Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Journal Journey Wednesday (pt.1)

Well it's Wednesday which means - time for my first installment of JJW! While in the NICU I kept a journal with me. It was something that was positive for me because I was constantly flooded with emotions and I was able to work through a lot of the ups and downs that I had with Parker while in the NICU. I wish I could accurately describe what its like to "live" in the hospital with your son. It was my full time job in the summer of 2008. It's hard, not being able to bring your baby home, to have to trust doctors and nurses to watch after your little one, to watch your child suffer at times - I cried a lot. I am thankful that my little man was not one of the sicker babies, yet, my heart was always going out too and overwhelmed for other families I saw in the room with Parker. I hope that you enjoy these posts and that it helps you to understand what went through my mind and may go through the mind of other parents...

Thursday June 12, 2008

I am officially starting my journal. I should have done this a while ago, but with all the changes in the past two weeks, I haven't. It's been quite the roller coaster for me and I am doing my best to deal with the up and downs.

**Parker Update** 2lbs 10ozs - 1 hr. feeds to help with tolerance - his blood count is better - he had a bath today and they changed his isolette. Happy 2 wk. birthday**

I want my freedom back - I want to drive my car, I miss driving. While I love the rides, it's hard to depend on others and to not have the freedom to go and come as I please.

I have to say though, that seeing my little critter makes up for that. He's looking a bit fuller than before and I think he's taking a good turn for the better. He isn't as fussy as he has been and his numbers are up today - PTL! He has a full head of hair and he is growing some too...I feel like he looks bigger. I am lucky and so blessed that he is mine. I love to watch him sleep and move. Speaking of love - I can't believe how much I love him...

Joel and Sam (**names changed to preserve identity) got to go home just now. It was great to see them leave, but at the same time sad. It made me cry because I realized that Parker has such a long road before he gets to come home. I feel like we will never get home and that breaks my heart.

June 13, 2008

.....I am not really sure where I am emotionally. I think things are hitting me more and more each day. I can see the road ahead of us and it is scattered with challenges that make me scared. I am feeling like a mom finally. I hadn't really felt like it until these past few days when Parker would stop crying when I touched him. He knows me, he knows who I am and that is amazing!

It's funny now to look back at these and see what I was thinking at the time. I cut out a lot, most of it the whole "I can't believe he's mine" or "he's the most beautiful thing I have ever seen" - I seemed to write that a lot! Can you blame me though? I remember when J & S went home and I remember having to go back to the nursing/pumping room and cry. I was so frustrated wishing that Parker was the one going home. (keep in mind at that time he is 2 weeks old...) It seemed so unfair at the time. But now, though, I realize he was right where he needed to be. I will say though that each time a neighbor of ours went home, I would cry, feeling like Parker would never be the one to come home.

These are just my POVs but I am sure there are other moms out there that had a lot of emotions as well. I don't mind sharing some of my entries if it helps someone else know they aren't alone.


Carrie said...

Thank you for sharing your thoughts - I can't imagine what I would feel in that situation, but I imagine I would be quite the same way.

Renee said...

I think that what you're doing with sharing so much surrounding Parker's birth is extremely courageous and cool. With being in nursing school, I read quite a bit about things like prematurity, but reading about them from your real life perspective really helps me to understand better what having a premature child means. I've never been in your situation, so I know I can't fully understand how it would feel. At the same time, I'll be doing clinical rotations in a NICU in a few months, and reading this will help me to better relate and care for these patients and their families. So thank you for sharing your experience. This is such an important topic!