Monday, May 17, 2010

A Transparent Post

I am going to be transparent in this post....well as much as I can be on the internet. I don't think anyone out there needs the nitty gritty details, but I do want to share with you some things that We are and I am going through.

Drew and I had a "come to Jesus" talk on Friday night. It was a hard discussion, a scary discussion, but a wake up call. To say our marriage is perfect would be an complete and utter lie - it's not. We love each other and are very dedicated to working through the challenges being thrusted upon us, but things are just rough right now.

On top of that, through the conversation I realized that I need to seek counseling. I keep thinking I am ok and happy, but a lot of where we are has to do with me. Like I told Drew, I am very unhealthy right now (both physically and mentally). How I am living, the type of wife I am becoming and mother I am becoming is not good for my boys. I have allowed depression, anxiety, fear and past wounds to control me and I, simply put, cannot do this anymore more. I don't want to see my son and husband have to live with a very hurt unhealthy individual.

So I am taking this opportunity to say, we need prayer. Lots of it. Not just for our marriage, but for us three as individuals. Pray that God will lead me to the right counselor for me. I have a few options, but I am worried about money (yes we have insurance, but it's not the best and doesn't have a lot of providers) I am worried about finding the right person to spill my guts to. I am also planning to start weight watchers - I hate living with this body of icky and I am gonna get it healthy. Pray for Drew, he himself is having some internal struggles and needs some counsel as well. Pray that we can turn to the friends God has given us to heal through all of this. And lastly, pray for Parker - he is young enough that he doesn't necessarily get all thats going on. Pray that we can continue to be the best parents to him and that this 2 yr old phase he is in won't be as overwhelming as it is feeling.

Having said of this. Know that satan is currently attacking me. He's so darn good at using these moments of transparency to come in and kill my soul. I am doing my best not to believe his lies, but it's hard.

And as my friend, don't give up on me or us. I still need love and support!

Please understand if I take some time to work through things and not blog. Part of me wants to blog through this to give myself an outlet, but I don't want to become absorbed in the internet, blogging world. I need to focus.

Love you guys!


Marla Taviano said...

I'm praying for you guys, Denise. And I'm so proud of both of you for being committed to your marriage even when things are so hard. God will reward this. Keep fighting!!

Ali said...

Praying for protection over you, your marriage, your family, and your home.

LOVE you.

Heather and Travis said...

Thinking about and praying for all of you!

Renee said...

Will be praying for all of you.

Ethan, Zach, and Emma's Mom said...

You're in my prayers. Take care of yourself, because if you don't take care of yourself, you can't be the best mom you can be.

Carrie said...

I'm praying for you, Denise - thanks for being so transparent - that is such an encouragement to me. And yes, fight for your marriage - it is hard sometimes, but God wants to heal each of you and He wants your marriage to succeed and be blessed by Him.