Because He Loves Me....

I am going to be honest for a moment - I am having a flare up of my PPD. This allergy stuff with Parker/just general lies of satan have really really been getting to me recently. Sunday, we finished up our sermon series on Psalm 23 and we ended with a discussion on God being enough. I am really really good at forgetting this. Our pastor shared a song with us that his wife put in the cd player in the car. What the pastor says just really gets me, it's not even the song - it's both really, but especially what the pastor says.



Right around the 1:25 minute mark is what I am talking about. It really hit home for me. I seem to think that God only loves me if I am perfect or only if I am good. I love when it says, "He won't love you any better if you become better..." I mean, I figured, God will only love me 100% when I am 100%. But it doesn't matter...HE LOVES ME BECAUSE HE LOVES ME BECAUSE HE LOVES ME.

I am trying to live that out and remember that daily, but I am not going to lie, it's so hard. satan lies to me, he plays on my negative frailty. He knows when I am at my lowest and makes me feel even lower. Why do I listen to his stupid, pathetic lies. Well because when I am down at my lowest, I believe anything.

See, I thought that my PPD had gone away. I can't even begin to tell you how happy I have been. I even attempted (in June) to wean off my meds. But when I got to my lowest dose, I could not function. I had no engery, no desire to do anything and I neglected poor Parker. I quickly called the dr. and decided that it would be best to stay on. It scares me, to know that I need this pills right now, ya know? But I know that I need it and I am working though it. I see now that my PPD is not gone! Yes, I am generally happier and much more normal, but there are things that trigger my intense feelings of sadness.

Recently, as I said above, it has been dealing with Parker's allergy stuff. I am so mad that he may have allergies, because I don't want to deal with having to work around them. How completely selfish is that? I feel like it's the worst thing ever, but I know it's not. It just allergies, he can be on meds, he could grow out of some of them. While at this point we still don't have his results, it doesn't matter, it can be worked around. Also recently, I have been really hard on myself. I hate how I look, I hate my body, I hate my hair...I just hate it all. And I know God loves me how I am - looks and all. I also know that He made me this way for a reason, but I am tired of it. I have desires to be able to shop at Target and fit into clothes that aren't followed by x's. I want to be able to go into the Gap and enjoy the outfits there. I want my hair to not be so thick and annoying.

And then Sunday comes around and pastor shares the cd of the above video. Wow, I mean talk about a reminder. Monday night I have a melt down about parker's allergies and such and my husband shows me this:



I mean really? It's like God is orchestrating something here. Two songs that really really hit home for me and help me. I get it...

- He loves me because he loves me because he loves me - no matter what.
- He is jealous for me...really, he is jealous for me, lil' ol me! Wow

Thank you God, for loving me - faults, sadness, and all!

The Motions - Matthew West

My FAVORITE song right now...it sums up everything inside of me.

Worshipful Wednesday

The Stand - Hillsong United

You stood before creation
Eternity within Your hand
You spoke the earth into motion
My soul now to stand

You stood before my failure
Carried the Cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon Your shoulders
My soul now to stand

So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

So I'll walk upon salvation
Your Spirit alive in me
This life to declare Your promise
My soul now to stand

So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

So I’ll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all

So I’ll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours

I worship God today because he continually protects Parker and gives me strong faith that everything will be ok!

I worship God today because I am feeling normal again and life is getting better and better.

I worship God today because he has blessed me with so many wonderful friends to turn to and lean on!

I worship God for the beauty of fall!

Tuesday of Randomness

***edit*** finally figured out the song - Melissa Greene - Wonder

No tips for today other than VOTE VOTE VOTE! I really don't care who you vote for, but please do so, this is such an important part of life and it is such an important opportunity and either way, God is in control! 

I voted this morning - Parker came with me and told me who to choose and I think I am going to get 100% on the test...hehe. Kidding, I voted and it was fun! I love the touch screen set up. I also loved the little lady who was pushing paper ballots...which I refused to do because I did that last time and this time I wanted to enjoy an actual machine. I also enjoyed my free Krispy Kreme donut for voting. Parker is wearing his I voted sticker! I don't like that I got up at 7am to do it, but oh well! 

Please continue to pray for Parker. He's just super fussy a lot of the time and acts hungry but won't eat. If this continues, I will probably call the doctor and talk to him and get some ideas. I don't think Parker is super sick or anything, because he hasn't had a fever or acted abnormally otherwise. I think this weekend threw him and he is attempting to recover (as am I, I am exhausted!) We got his Synagis medicine today...he will get that shot at his 6 month check up on the 18th...this is the medicine for RSV. We could administer it ourselves, but, I don't trust myself and honestly, when I saw the needle in the bag, I wanted to throw up! I am realizing that babies go through stages and am not horribly worried, just frustrated more or less!

So, there is this song I keep hearing on "The River" our local christian station. Every time I hear it, it's always at the end and the never say who sings it or what it is called. I don't know all the lyrics, but the ones I do know go something like this:

"God of faithfulness, be my righteousness have your way in my heart. God of righteousness.....(don't know these ones, but it ends) what a wonder you are."

Anyone got a clue what I am talking about and know what it is called or who sings it. I know that a woman sings it... but that's all I have!

Please join me and praying for Kayleigh Freeman today. She is a little miracle preemie who is having open heart surgery today. It began at 7:30 this morning and is supposed to take 6 hours. Pray that God is with not only her parents, but also with the doctors, nurses and even Kayleigh as she goes through such a scary scary surgery for such a little girl!

Enjoy your day!