Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Mirror Mirror...

I have something I need to admit to you all, I have a horrible self image. I really like nothing about myself and i can't stand to look at myself in the mirror.

For as long as I can remember, I have been "heavy". I am short, maybe 5'2 on a good day. So for me to be healthy and the right weight....I need to be somewhere around 120 - 130. I can assure you that I don't know when I was ever that little. It's really hard to wake up and know that I have to put on my double digit sized jeans and super sized shirts. It sucks...I would love to just be able to walk into say, Gap and actually FIT into their clothing.

To be honest, I feel fat and I hate that I am fat. Even my doctor wants me to lose weight, so I know the reality is I am overweight. Not to mention that I hate the chest size I have, so much so that I have considered a breast reduction for health purposes, but I always wanted to breast feed, that went out the window, so now I could do it, except that I would like to take a year off of being in a hospital or having surgery. I went through enough last summer, I don't want to deal with it.

The worst part is I feel like because of my size I am an outcast. I should note that none of my friends actually treat me that way, I just feel that way a lot. It's hard to go shopping with certain friends...because the truth is, I can't fit into a "normal" size, and what is a normal size anyway? It's just hard, I feel so alone and so fat and ugly.

I try hard not to let it get to me, but it does....and the truth is, part of it is my own fault.

I am an emotional eater. I love to eat and then be lazy. Another thing I dislike about myself. I realize that some of my weight gain is due not just to eating and such, but also to a lot of the trauma I went through and the meds I am on and such. And I think sometimes the depression just makes me want to curl up and cry and not deal with anything.

I want so badly to lose weight, get in shape and feel better about myself. I just struggle to stay with it and I don't know how to stay with it. I get all excited and start thinking about all the good food I can eat and such and then a week later, I am so OVER it. I don't know how to keep up with it. It's hard.

Gah, I am really down today...sorry! I will try to cheer up. Thanks for listening!


Carrie said...

Right there with you, sister. After I finish having/nursing my babies, I'm begging for that reduction. :) I'm 5'0", so I totally understand. I was just telling my hubby today that I weigh twice as much as I'm 'supposed' to for my height. *sigh* and I'm an emotional eater, and lazy, too. and of course I'm hungry right now... :)

Katrina said...

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