Struggles Shmuggles

I am so frustrated right now and I just want to take evil and his lies and put him in the garbage and throw him away.

Yet....something stops me...

I am letting evil win and I hate that. I HATE it.

Since the conference it seems that satan has been on this mission to ruin everything I learned and make me feel miserable. And I am pretty sure that I am not the only one he's been doing this too. The healing and the strength I got from the conference have helped me to make changes, yet at every friggin' chance he get, satan is hell bent on ruining this healing and strength. And darn it if he isn't really holding me down right now. It's been just over a week since the conference and here I sit, allowing this pathetic little being get into my head with really rather stupid lies.

"She doesn't like you"
"Denise, you don't fit in - don't you see that?"
"Do you really think Parker is that ok, come one, he's tiny...he's never gonna be big, he's gonna get made fun of."
"Your parents don't love you, if they did they'd act like Marsha's parents." (I just made up a name - but I do have specific ones.)
"She is only pretending to be your friend because you have a preemie."
"You are fat, ugly, pathetic and worthless."
"He loves Apple more than you..."
"Winter is here forever...you can't ever go out again...haha...snow forever."

and it goes on and on and on.

I am doing my hardest to combat these lies with truth, but I won't even remotely lie - it's been HARD. Winter is a hard time for me in general. I mean, it's gloomy and cold and wet and snowy and bleck - and when you have depression and are trying so HARD to not give into the "oh, blankie, how I love thee and oh bed, you're my best friend" feeling it's hard. Then add in all the lies coming into play and I lay here and repeat them and hear them over and over and over. And it stinks!

I am reading my Bible more, I am doing my best to bathe in the Word and Truth. I know God won't let me down, I know He is the gold medal winner always (sorry, had to pull in an olympic pun!) I get that, but I also do a great job of building walls up and bad habits up and it irritates me.

I have been a Christian since I was 9 - that's when I accepted Christ and that's when I got baptized, but there are days I feel like a brand new Christian. In college I got really disciplined my freshman year with my bible study and faith and then it all feel apart. I am not sure why or when (though I think I could probably pinpoint was particular incident that just did me in if I tried hard enough) but I stopped. Sure I went to church and things got better and I got into reading my Bible again, but it became a habit of only doing it when I needed it most.

I do that now. On days like today when lies are just flooding my heart and head, I go to the Bible and read and bathe. I feel a bit better, I stop and satan still continues. It's a never ending cycle for me. It angers me that I can't get past this darn hurdle. How do I do that.

I have really in the past few years grown in my faith. Primarily when Parker was born. I mean how could my faith not grow? I am growing daily. I have surrounded myself with friends that build me up and encourage and keep me accountable and who I know genuinely love and care for me. Many I have met since Parker, but I seriously appreciate them and love and care for them. I have stepped out and into uncomfortable places after feeling Gods lead and I have grown immensely from those challenges. I am trying to allow myself to be more open and honest and allow you, my friends, and other friends, to help me and love me, even if I am embarrassed. I am doing the best I can, I REALLY REALLY am.

That's part of why I wrote this post, that's why I can say that God is bigger and HE BEATS EVIL - always. He's my daddy.

I have a long way to go, but I have high hopes that I will learn more and grow more and build stronger disciplines and some day even beable to tell satan to shove it.

Oh my gravy, did I just say that? Oh well, he can sit on a take for all I care!

I loved this therapy session, thanks for listening.

Dear Depression - YOU STINK

optional title: satan you are a stupid head

I feel so frustrated by how down I can get in just a matter of seconds. One dumb move, one wrong word, one misunderstanding and boom...I sit and stew and get all negative and then satan, being that crafty miserable stink head comes in and plays on my already down mood...making me hate myself, come up with scenarios like "you made such a bad mistake Deni, you should be fired..." ect. I mean, it's ridiculous.

I would venture to say that my depression is actually better, to be honest. I don't have a lot of down days anymore. But when I do have one, I mean it's TOUGH...I may have less, but I have them hard when I do have them. I got to my Dr. next week and I am at a point were I am just not sure it's the right time to wean off the meds. And I am ok with that. God has given me a peace about being on meds right now and I know when it's time, I will be ready.

But it doesn't make me like this depression any more. In fact, I hate depression, I hate my self loathing and negative thoughts.

I am glad though that I am learning to work through it, just wish it went easier!

Anyway...

Journal Journey Wednesday (pt.2 & 3)

***Just so everyone knows, this one will be a bit longer since last week I totally had a brain fart and didn't post! Enjoy - though if you don't read it all - I understand!***

June 14, 2008

"There are days I miss being pregnant. It kind of hurts to know that I'll never have that big belly, the inside out belly button, labor pains, or a vaginal birth experience. I think I really need to mourn this reality - so I can move on and focus primarily on Parker. I need to go home and pack up my maternity clothes - it's hard to walk in my closet and see them hanging there. I also am gonna get rid of my pregnancy books, just seeing them makes me sad."

June 15, 2008

"Happy Daddy's Day!!! Great news, Parker is off CPAP! His numbers are staying up great right now. He has had a couple of brady's but bounces back quickly"

June 16, 2008

"Went to church last night and boy am I glad! I really needed it. I didn't feel bombarded with people or questions, though I talked to so many! I enjoyed the message too! It was about outreach, which is weighing on my heart. Being here in the NICU I feel that I have a lot of opportunity to reach out to others, but I just don't know how to approach them."

June 17, 2008

"Today has been an incredibly hard day...I am so ticked right now - I am pretty sure that I have the worlds worst nurse. She is very unpersonable and has been short with us all morning. It doesn't help because today has started out totally cruddy. I got a call from Dr. W. at 7:30 this morning. Parker had had a rough night. They put him on oxygen and took an xray of his chest and belly. This showed something in his bowel, which could be a possible infection. They have suspended his feeds until they find out what's going on. They even drew blood and put him back on an IV...

(Later that day)
"At this point they don't think it's an infection, but they are waiting on cultures, which will take a couple of days. He will be staying on his nasal cannula. I was reading Marla's book just now and came across this quote:'Our little ones are resilient and forgiving. Our God is a God of grace. These experiences keep us humble and remind us of our need for a Savior. And those angels are always on duty.' Oh how I needed that today."

(Even later that day...)
"This whole thing is frustrating me. I mean besides my growing PPD; I am watching my child struggle. It feels like he takes 4 steps forward and 15 steps back. i feel like we are gonna be in this NICU FOREVER. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I feel my hope just slowly fading away. I see no light at the end of the tunnel. I am doing my best to fully rely on God and trust that He is handling this situation. I really just want to scream out to God. Or maybe even scream at Him. Is it even ok that I am angry? Because I am so angry. I truly do not understand why I am finding myself in this situation. I feel like I am being punished or something. But, yet, I know deep down I am not. The hardest thing is to meet other children and see them thriving when Parker is having all these issues. I keep playing the comparison game. I look over at L and think 'well he's been off Cpap for a couple weeks and is doing well. Parker not so much.' But Parker is not L, nor is he B or anyone else, he's Parker. This is how Parker is, this is his life and his set of challenges - this is what will make him stronger and make him who he is as Parker. It doesn't make it any easier to watch him struggle though..."



It kind almost cracks me up to read these now. Mostly because of my horrible grammar and punctuation. I can look back now at this set of entries and clearly see what God was doing. He grew my so much during that time. I have since learned to lean on Him and trust Him and His will. That hard day I was having on June 17th just shows this to me. At the time, I didn't think I could make it through. I was angry with the rude nurse, scared for Parker, depressed, angry with God, wanting to scream....and now I look at it and clearly see God's leading and His lessons. I won't lie, there are a lot of times now that I struggle to trust, but I have grown to know that that's all I can do at times. And I see what this trusting can do. I trusted God with Parker's allergy tests and they came back mostly great!

God is good and he has a plan for Parker...who knew? - Oh He did!

A Word From Our Sponsors...

Ok, so make it a word from the writer of this here blog. I will do my special post here in just a moment but first I need to pretty much let it out and beg you all for prayers.

If you follow my on facebook then most of you know the current state of my mind and the situation with Parker. If you don't then here is a basic run down.

Parker is ill - some tummy bug virus thing that has made him poo like there's no tomorrow and not eat a darn thing. He has thankfully been drinking like a champ so he is super hydrated. I took him to the doctor yesterday because I had been changing at least 10 diapers a day due to his body just simply cleaning out. The doctor was thrilled that he had not had a fever at all and that it's basically been diarrhea. We have to let it run its course and of course that is just hard in and of itself. Each day Parker is doing better - though he still isn't eating much at all and he's very worn out, which I would be too.

This on top of his therapy that he is currently going through, the new formula they have switched him to and the appointment next week for allergy testing is really overwhelming me. I am mentally burnt out, emotionally burnt out and my eyes hurt from crying. I can honestly say that my depressions is back and terrible and I am shutting myself down and off to others.

So if you could take the time to pray Parker heals better and that I can find peace and rest that would be awesome.

Because He Loves Me....

I am going to be honest for a moment - I am having a flare up of my PPD. This allergy stuff with Parker/just general lies of satan have really really been getting to me recently. Sunday, we finished up our sermon series on Psalm 23 and we ended with a discussion on God being enough. I am really really good at forgetting this. Our pastor shared a song with us that his wife put in the cd player in the car. What the pastor says just really gets me, it's not even the song - it's both really, but especially what the pastor says.



Right around the 1:25 minute mark is what I am talking about. It really hit home for me. I seem to think that God only loves me if I am perfect or only if I am good. I love when it says, "He won't love you any better if you become better..." I mean, I figured, God will only love me 100% when I am 100%. But it doesn't matter...HE LOVES ME BECAUSE HE LOVES ME BECAUSE HE LOVES ME.

I am trying to live that out and remember that daily, but I am not going to lie, it's so hard. satan lies to me, he plays on my negative frailty. He knows when I am at my lowest and makes me feel even lower. Why do I listen to his stupid, pathetic lies. Well because when I am down at my lowest, I believe anything.

See, I thought that my PPD had gone away. I can't even begin to tell you how happy I have been. I even attempted (in June) to wean off my meds. But when I got to my lowest dose, I could not function. I had no engery, no desire to do anything and I neglected poor Parker. I quickly called the dr. and decided that it would be best to stay on. It scares me, to know that I need this pills right now, ya know? But I know that I need it and I am working though it. I see now that my PPD is not gone! Yes, I am generally happier and much more normal, but there are things that trigger my intense feelings of sadness.

Recently, as I said above, it has been dealing with Parker's allergy stuff. I am so mad that he may have allergies, because I don't want to deal with having to work around them. How completely selfish is that? I feel like it's the worst thing ever, but I know it's not. It just allergies, he can be on meds, he could grow out of some of them. While at this point we still don't have his results, it doesn't matter, it can be worked around. Also recently, I have been really hard on myself. I hate how I look, I hate my body, I hate my hair...I just hate it all. And I know God loves me how I am - looks and all. I also know that He made me this way for a reason, but I am tired of it. I have desires to be able to shop at Target and fit into clothes that aren't followed by x's. I want to be able to go into the Gap and enjoy the outfits there. I want my hair to not be so thick and annoying.

And then Sunday comes around and pastor shares the cd of the above video. Wow, I mean talk about a reminder. Monday night I have a melt down about parker's allergies and such and my husband shows me this:



I mean really? It's like God is orchestrating something here. Two songs that really really hit home for me and help me. I get it...

- He loves me because he loves me because he loves me - no matter what.
- He is jealous for me...really, he is jealous for me, lil' ol me! Wow

Thank you God, for loving me - faults, sadness, and all!

Just Stuff

- First of all, I have to tell you all that Parker took his first step on Friday! I was sitting on the floor while he was playing and I picked him up and stood him up a few inches from me. (He can stand on his own without holding on to things) Next thing I know, he picks up his foot and takes a step forward and immediately falls into my arms. It was awesome! Yay bubba!

- I need prayer - I am praying about a few things - 1) Going to Cambodia: I am planning on doing it, I just need prayer to bring me to peace about being overseas, in a new country, several hours flying, being away from Drew and Parker. ANXIETY anyone? and 2) Prayer for getting in better shape. When I do go to Cambodia (thinking Feb?) I would like to be in better shape so that I am not killed by the heat and the activity. I already do mommies and munchkins 2 times a week, I want to start going out and walking on my own. Now that I have my iphone, I can use it as an ipod and I had Drew put a couple of playlists on it for me that will motivate me. 3) A Job - while this is no where near official - I know I should start praying now. There may possibly be an opportunity for me to get a part time job with my church - now I am not 100% sure on it...I don't know when it will happen...I don't know if I will be offered. I guess I just want prayer that God would open doors (either at church or other places) because the truth is, we could use an income from me...even if minimal. I am not ready to put Parker in a day care so I hope and pray I can find something that would allow me to bring him with me to work or work from home.

- My Zoo - do you use facebook? Do you know of this application? Oh my gosh, I am addicted to it. You basically build and manage your own zoo. I wish I earned more money faster...I'd like to know how my step sis has 8 million dollars to play with.

- Big Brother - any other fans out there? If there are I will rant later about it, if not, I won't make you read it!

- My week - it's looking like a busy week. I have mommies and munchkins tues, and then a leah sophia party I am hoping to go to. Wed Parker has an in home visit with his Help Me Grow case worker (She didn't lose her job in recent cuts PTL), Thursday we have a WIC appointment, then that night we are attending a dessert thing in which we will get to talk to Jen, our missionary in Cambodia that is currently home on furlough. Friday I am going to go to a local preschool concert thing with some friends!

- Apologies - I am sorry I have been lacking in updates - the truth is I feel like I am in a rut. But, I am hoping now that my moodiness and depression are under control I will be able to focus and write more frequently.

Where'd I put that manual?

I think I lost my Parker instructions - darn it.

I don't know what to do right now with him.

Yes, he is a year, but when telling him no and expecting him to listen and understand, is he thinking like a 1 year old or a 10 month old.

How the heck do I discipline him?

I am so frustrated, I don't know what to do, what I am doing and I just want to cry.

And on top of all of this, I am realizing I should probably not have asked my doctor to ween me off of my anti-depressant. My mood has totally stunk lately, I am losing patience and want to cry and scream. I am calling her back on Monday and seeing what she suggests.

I don't know, I just feel so frustrated, Parker is older and there for in the toddler, get into everything stage. I am feeling totally burdened and attacked by Satan. I so want to just cry!

I feel so stuck, confused, alone and on top of it all, I doubt myself, as a friend, wife and mother.

HELP ME!

To Be Honest...

I am having a hard night. My mind is a mess of thoughts and feelings and such and I need to let it out...so well, I am going to vent and be honest...

I feel like a failure - like Parker should not be proud of me. What, Why you ask? Well let me tell you why..

First - I haven't finished my college degree - I am a year away, just a mear 30ish credits away from my Bachelor degree. and to be honest, I don't want the degree anymore. It was a Children's Ministry degree. I don't want to be a children's minister anymore. I still want to work with kids, but I feel like I am most happy when I am writing the curriculum and teaching. Not doing all the other ministerial things that go with it. I am 26 and have yet to be a college graduate. But what kind of degree would I need to do the curriculum and teaching? Heck, I'd even love to work for Group Publishing or something writing Children's Ministry curriculum. I want Parker to be proud of his mama for getting a degree.

Second - My patience is wearing thin recently. Parker has been growing up - not that that is a bad thing, but he really likes to test me now and to be honest, it kills me. He just knows all the buttons to push - I feel like a terrible mom.

Third - I feel like a failure for getting sick the other day and Drew needing to come home. I feel bad he had to leave work. I feel worse that he doesn't have that many sick days and he takes one for me.

Fourth - Just escaped me - wait no, there it is. I am still (almost a year later) feeling guilty and like a failure for having a preemie. I know, I know, it's not my fault and I did the right thing. Sure, you say that, but do you understand how much it hurts me. I will always say that it was the hardest easy decision I have ever made. I mad that my body failed and that I was even forced to make a decision. Sure, I get it, I should be happy and thankful that Parker and I are both alive and well - and I am, but it hurts. I never got that moment where after you've pushed and screamed the baby comes out, goopy, gross and with a pointy head, and they place the baby on you for the first time. (even if they disgust you you love them.) Heck up to going into the operating room, I remember not much else of thursday. There are fuzzy memories of random people coming by and nurses and Drew telling me about Parker. Oh, and that's another thing, Drew didn't even get to be in the room with me because I has general anesthesia. Even he didn't get that daddy moment, where I break his hand but he doesn't care because the goopy baby is the most beautiful thing ever. I let him down, I let myself down, I let my family down and that kills. Even now as I sit here and type this, I believe it was a year ago today or tomorrow that I was in the ER for the first time. It hurts. I am so mad at myself. I feel like i should have done more...maybe I should have lost weight first and then had a baby. I know it doesn't seem like I should be hurting and sad but I am. It hurts me, so much. And I want Parker to know I did everything I could. I did what I felt was right. yet I feel like a failure.

I just want Parker to be proud of me. I want to know what I am supposed to do. I want to Parker to say, "That's my mom, she's smart and pretty and I love her."

Why do I allow myself to feel like this...

You're Guilty?!

I recently started reading a book called, "Motherhood: The Guilt that Keeps on Giving" by Julie Ann Barnhill. I have been wanting for a while now, to read some books about mommy guilt and motherhood and being a confident mom. When I came across this book at the library, I was pretty excited. Not only was a book on mommy guilt, but the writer is a Christian mother! Woohoo! All I know is I am the GUILT and WORRY queen! And if you are anything like me you probably understand the mommy guilt you go through daily. It's a never ending climb to get from what Ms. Barnhill calls "Mt. Guiltmore" to "Graceland." (no we aren't talking about Elvis' graceland.)

At the beginning of the book, the author asks the reader to write a list of things you are not guilty for. Which, honestly isn't easy...I sat in bed last night thinking of my list....It took me a while to come up with a list...and the list...is pretty miniscule compared to my guilt list. I want to share my non-guilt list with you....

Things I am not guilty for:
- Hugging and kissing Parker as much as I can each day.
- Telling Parker I love him all day, every day.
- Praying for Parker daily!
- Encouraging Parker in his development (on a side note - he rolled over from back to belly yesterday for the first time!)
- Not being scared to call the doctor when I am unsure of something
- Allowing Parker to listen/watch certain shows on tv (Noggin is my friend!)
- Snuggling him
- Being honest about my beliefs as a mom, woman, human
- Attempting to make dinner nightly while Parker plays.
- Giving Parker certain boundaries
- Taking my son to church and leaving him in the nursery
- Loving Drew and taking care of him.
- Letting Parker sleep with a blankie, his Mr. Bear - Webber, having toys in his crib, music playing, lights on if he needs it.
- Making Parker's baby food and making funny faces at him while he eats.

I am sure my list will get longer as I get through this book, but I think this is a pretty good list. Compared to the list of things I feel guilty for (I am going to only do a partial list as if I were to do more....you'd be here all day.)

My guilty list:
- Having him get his vaccines and shots (not because I don't think they are good for him, but because they hurt him and he cries.
- Having him early
- Going through depression
- Going on on dates with Drew
- Holding other babies
- having a drink here or there
- Not bathing him daily (we do it ever other day because of his super dry skin)
- Hiding in the walk in closet when i can't take his crying anymore.
- Not playing with him more
- Not being able to afford more things for him
- Not having his actual bedding set I wanted for him.
- Sometimes wishing he wasn't a preemie.
- Him having acid reflux
- The fact he had to sleep on wedge for the 4 months
- Biting his finger one day when I was pretending to eat his hand
- His eczema
- Wanting to go to Cambodia on a missions trip with my church and leaving him here
- Leaving him in the nursery for the very first time
- Going out with friends and leaving him here with daddy or with a sitter
- WAnting to go on a trip with just some girlfriends - no kids.
- letting him suck his thumb
- Not taking more videos of him
- Feeling guilty for being overweight, not healthy, and not getting off my lazy behind.

You get the point. I really think my guilt started when I first found out I was pregnant. I felt guilty for not knowing right away and continuing to drink Coke like it was going out of style. I felt guilty for all the family illnesses I had to explain to the doctor. I felt guilty that I wasn't prepared. Feeling guilty for working a lot, feeling guilty for wondering if I really could eat lunch meat (subway was my addiction during pregnancy).

Guilt tends to consume my days and a lot of times, that guilt takes over and becomes worry. One example, the first time we took him out...I felt really guilty for it, he got a cough because of it - hence worry took over and I was convinced that doctor was going to take him away for me for taking him out and him getting a cough.

Guilt stresses me out, it burdens me, it bothers me, it can make me sick. I really need to work through this guilt, though I don't plan that it will every really go away, but I would like to get to a full understanding of grace land and God's grace.

So what about you....do you go through guilt as a mom, what would your lists look like?

I plan to write more as I read the book and learn more.

Mirror Mirror...

I have something I need to admit to you all, I have a horrible self image. I really like nothing about myself and i can't stand to look at myself in the mirror.

For as long as I can remember, I have been "heavy". I am short, maybe 5'2 on a good day. So for me to be healthy and the right weight....I need to be somewhere around 120 - 130. I can assure you that I don't know when I was ever that little. It's really hard to wake up and know that I have to put on my double digit sized jeans and super sized shirts. It sucks...I would love to just be able to walk into say, Gap and actually FIT into their clothing.

To be honest, I feel fat and I hate that I am fat. Even my doctor wants me to lose weight, so I know the reality is I am overweight. Not to mention that I hate the chest size I have, so much so that I have considered a breast reduction for health purposes, but I always wanted to breast feed, that went out the window, so now I could do it, except that I would like to take a year off of being in a hospital or having surgery. I went through enough last summer, I don't want to deal with it.

The worst part is I feel like because of my size I am an outcast. I should note that none of my friends actually treat me that way, I just feel that way a lot. It's hard to go shopping with certain friends...because the truth is, I can't fit into a "normal" size, and what is a normal size anyway? It's just hard, I feel so alone and so fat and ugly.

I try hard not to let it get to me, but it does....and the truth is, part of it is my own fault.

I am an emotional eater. I love to eat and then be lazy. Another thing I dislike about myself. I realize that some of my weight gain is due not just to eating and such, but also to a lot of the trauma I went through and the meds I am on and such. And I think sometimes the depression just makes me want to curl up and cry and not deal with anything.

I want so badly to lose weight, get in shape and feel better about myself. I just struggle to stay with it and I don't know how to stay with it. I get all excited and start thinking about all the good food I can eat and such and then a week later, I am so OVER it. I don't know how to keep up with it. It's hard.

Gah, I am really down today...sorry! I will try to cheer up. Thanks for listening!

Quick Update

I don't really have much to share with you right now. It's not a bad thing, just not a lot to talk about. So this is going to be pretty random and not super long.

Let's see....what to share with you...?

- Parker continues to do well with solids. We have pears and green beans left to try and then he will have tried all Stage 1 foods. He's doing great. He really has only not like peas (I like them, but when they are mushed like that...I don't blame him!). Other than that, so far he's liked everything. And seriously, prunes look gross when turned into baby food. Are prunes dried plums? And along the food line, I continue to make baby food...my baby carrots didn't go over well, nor has my squash, but he loved my applesauce...and bananas. I enjoy making the baby food!

- Parker is also very very close to sitting up on his own. He can sit on his own for about 10-15 seconds...and then he falls over. Also, he is talking ALOT....he has a lot to say and he's very vocal. Also, he laughs a lot. He's hysterical!

- Yesterday we had a WIC appointment and he was weighed - 12 lbs 3ozs!!!! That is 4 x his birth weight! And he is 2 ft tall (24 inches). He's my big boy. Oh and he holds his own bottle some now too! He's just about into 3-6 month sized clothes.

- I am doing well for the most part. I have my good days and bad days, but the good days outnumber the bad! I have to admit though I am going through a "nobody likes me, I don't fit in" time currently. Like I said last night at life group, I certainly know deep down it's not true, but sometimes it takes awhile to really believe it. Parker gives me life and makes me really happy, so that's always good.

- On Saturday I was able to hang out with some girls from church. It was Miss America and my friend MK is close friends with Miss NY, they grew up together. So we got together for Miss Fabulous Vista Ridiculous Pageant. It was funny, I was Miss Not-So-Graceful! I didn't win, but it's ok, I had a blast. We enjoyed being judges and laughing and such.

- Drew is off this weekend so hopefully we can get some good time together.

- Oh and now for my thoughts on last nights Bachelor:
1. Lauren - I get that you were trying to be funny, but you really shouldn't demand a rose. Jason is an adult, he can make his own decisions and by telling him he had to give you a rose...you made yourself look bad not to mention, how rude. You don't demand those things!
2. Shannon - oh crazy ridiculous Shannon...you scare me. All I have to say to you is enjoy french kissing your dog and brushing your teeth.
3. Megan - your attitude was pretty sucky. I especially hated your personal interviews on the confession cam or whatever...the way in which you talked about others was very mean and I could not have been happier to see Jason send you home.
4. Nikki - self absorbed much? "I don't know how much smarter I can get....I don't know how much prettier I could get...." Yah and you wonder why you got sent home.

- I am pretty happy with the top 5. I really like Melissa - I will admit I didn't at first, but I do now. I hope he chooses her!!!

Ok well, off to watch Idol! Have a good one and for those in Ohio right now, stay warm! The snow is a falling!

OH and I have a prayer request, 4 people from my church are going to visit our orphanage in Cambodia, they fly out tomorrow. Pray for safe travels and safety while there.

Parker, Life group, other things

We took Parker in for his monthly synagis shot and weight check. Parker is now a chunky 11 lbs 12 ozs. Dr. D said he looked wonderful and is doing VERY well...that's my good boy. I can't believe that I also scheduled his 9 month check up for March...9 months...seriously, has it really been almost 9 months? That is crazy! But I have to say I am glad he is doing so well. He's getting so big, I swear he is longer everyday. I need to pull out the 3-6 months clothes for him because he's almost too long for the 0-3 that he's been in for just a month. WOW!!! So Parker learned something new yesterday, he learned he had lips and can do raspberries. He does it all the time, it's hilarious! Also, he is almost sitting up on his own. He can sit for about 10 seconds before flopping over, oh and he can also almost role from back to belly, just have to figure out the shoulder flipping part! He's a big big boy!

So last night we had our first life group of 09. It was fun and I just love the people in the group. One of or other attenders is now their own life group leader, and I miss them, but am thrilled for them! ;) We had good talks and I opened up about my PPD struggles and everyone seemed to appreciate your candidness and honesty. I can't believe that I was that honest. But i am glad I was. I am looking forward to life group this season...it's going to be fun.

I got a library card last night! I don't remember the last time I had one. I got two books, Mistaken Identity (although I already know the story) and Quiet Strength, but Tony Dungy (I can't believe he's retiring). I have a long list of books I want to read, but of course I forgot to bring it, so I picked two I could remember the names of. I really want to read Multiple Blessings by the Gosselins, but its got a waiting list of like 300 some people, so I shall wait. But I am glad to have a card....I can get dvds and cds and books and I can get stuff to do with Parker.

Well I think that's it for now. This is a pretty un-interesting post, I just wan't sure what else I wanted to write. Enjoy though :)

PPD, it beckons me

It's been a hard week for me this past week and I needed a break from blogging yesterday as I was simply losing it. And today, while better, has still not been back to normal for me. PPD is really hitting me right now and I am not really sure what exactly might be triggering it. My heart (not physically) hurts right now, I feel very alone and very lost even in my own home. Somedays I wake up thinking, is this it, is this what I am doing with the rest of my life. By "it" I mean, well I don't know what I mean. What I do know is this:

There are days I feel like to worst mother on the face of the earth and days I question why God would entrust my little critter* to me?

There are days when getting out of bed seems to take all day. To force myself to dress and shower and live....takes a lot.

There are days when I feel like I have no one out there to turn to, fully knowing that I do, in fact, have many many people to turn to and one that is more important above all the rest...GOD.

I don't know sometimes how to work through it other than to journal and pray, which of course I do, but I feel I don't do that great of a job at follow through.

I do a great job of pulling away and putting on a happy face and mask. I pull away and then I get mad because I feel like no one cares. I think I mostly pull away because I don't want to have to explain myself and the sadness that is deep inside me.

I really love my son, I don't want anyone to think that I don't. He means everything to me. And I have worked through at lot of the anger inside from his birth. I'm not mad about it anymore, I realize the blessing it has been, even if hard. However, recently I have been upset with myself and feeling let down by my body. I feel like I was robbed. I feel guilty because I feel like I really should have done more to make sure this didn't happen. But truthfully there really isn't anything more I could have done. We didn't know this would be the outcome, no one knew Rh factors wouldn't match and that I would get HELLP. My head knows this, my heart however, has yet to get a clue to this reality! I am good at listening to my heart....it's really really loud!

I am working through this, part of my working through it is this blog post. I need prayer and support. Today at church, Pastor Mike asked people who needed special prayer to come to him and he would pray for us. I got up and moved that way, I am thankful I did it. I cried, it was a good release!

There are days I HATE PPD, ok, I hate it all the time, every day.

*read Parker

2009 Goals

New year, new goals...goals I WANT AND INTEND to keep...

1) Lose Weight and Eat Better I allow myself to eat when I feel depressed. I am not going to lie, I am an emotional eater and I hate that about myself. I eat just to eat because it makes me happy. I want to break that habit. I want to work out, get off my tushy and eat a lot better. I would love to eat more organically, but as it is, we are pretty strapped for money for regular food, but if I do portion control and continue to do meal planning and not but snacky food, I should be ok.

2) Be Happier I want to just learn to allow the positive in and keep the negative out.

3) Help Parker Continue to Grow I am going to be more active in working with Parker and his fine motor skills, sitting, crawling, rolling, head control...ect.

4) Read the Bible and Pray More

5) Attempt to make this blog more interesting - because some days, it lacks!

6) Journal more I started a journal when Parker was in the hospital and intended to keep it a daily note so he could look back on his journey...yah, not happening. I haven't written in it in months. I need to change that.

7) Take Parker to the Zoo!!! and Throw Parker an awesome bday party...anyone want to help me start planning?

8) Get back into my scrapbooking My side of the bedroom looks like it exploded scrapbook supplies!

9) Cooking AdventuresI want to make things I would never dare to. I want to learn to cook better!

10) Meet New Friends and Strengthen Relationships with those I have enough said!

"Cancer of the Worry"

Thought I would share this with you! It's our christmas card!

**edit** Talked with Dr.'s assistant, he basically said that as long as Parker isn't running a fever, doesn't have bloody stool and is still eating, this should all run it's course. I really hate this, this is so hard, and I am in tears. I can't stop just staring at him and checking on him every few minutes. Please pray for me and him! **end edit**

Ask my husband and he will tell you, that I am the BIGGEST worry wart ever. He tells me all the time that I have "cancer of the worry" and that it is good at flaring up. I am great a conjuring up all sorts of silly things in my head and getting myself convinced of so much. I hate that I do it and I really truly do try not to do it, but boy is it hard to break a habit that just knows me so well.

Should I tell you? Well sure, I supposed I should...my cancer of the worry is flaring its terribly ugly pain in the booty head right now. Actually it has been all week. It all started Monday: Parker had diarrhea all day...it was full blown blow out kind. So many outfits got "stinky" all over them. Tuesday, things were turning around. His "stinky" wasn't runny, but it sure wasn't its normal consistency. Dr. said that there is a bug going around and as long as his "stinky" doesn't turn bloody and he doesn't have a fever, he should be ok. Also, to keep an eye on his eating habits. Well I have been. And he's been normal other than the diarrhea issue. Yesterday he was pretty normal in the "stinky" area, but today, it's back pretty bad. So of course I have myself convinced that he is going to die or something. I don't know, you just get all these "watch out for this" and if "this" happens make sure to call a doctor. (I should note that I am calling the doctor right now to ease my worry!) I mean what are they gonna do, yell at me for calling? See that's another thing, I convince myself that the doctor is going to think that I am a worry wart too and not want to talk to me ever again!

What is with my worry-wartness? (What a terrible word!) I am sick of being such a hypochondriac, ok so maybe I am not actually one, but would that explain my constant worry? I just want to do what's best for Parker and I want to be a good parent and keep up with him and his health. I don't want to worry, I don't like to worry, believe me, it's way too stressful! I just can't seem to shake it and it's been so much worse since Parker's birth. I don't know if it is because he is a preemie or if it's a normal mom reaction. But everything worries me when it comes to Parker. I really just want to be a great mom and be there for him. I don't want to let him down. I deal with feeling that when I think about his birth and being sick, I can't deal with more mommy guilt. It's just going to make me sick and frustrated and depressed.

Ok, so I think I am going to pray now...mind if I do it on here with all of you? No, well good, and if you said yes, then tough cookies!
God, I really need some peace right now. I am all worked up and worried about Parker and I just want to do what's best for him. Lord, help my conquer this crazy "cancer of the worry" that I have and help me trust you more. Lord, be with my little man, heal his body if he is sick and help him to not get even more sick. God, I just really love you and I love this baby you gave me and I want to do what is best for him. God, I love you, thank you so much for what you have given me! Amen!

There I am better now. Well, kind of anyways. Please continue to keep Kayleigh Freeman in your prayers. She is battling hard and doing her best.

Hello Strangers!

Well hello there friends! I feel like it has been forever since I have blogged! It's been an insanely busy time here in my life and I just have not had time to sit and write anything worthy of note out...until now of course!!!!!

- UNVEILED -
What an amazingly God filled weekend. I mean, seriously, I have never felt God so strongly in a place before. Satan was doing his best to make this weekend not happen (sick cast members, power outage, rain, horrible tech run through....) but he did not prevail! Unveiled was successful, each performance better than the next, each song more powerful the more we sang. I really hope that some of you made it and were able to experience this amazing time. If not, here is a quick run down of some of the key things! First of all, we were able to have live feeds from Cambodia where we have an orphanage. We have an amazing missionary there right now (jen) and the kids were able to sing a song in both their native language and english! It was AMAZING, I cried each time. I adore those kids! I hope to some day make it over. If you would like more info, go to Asian Vista! Our kids did an amazing job as well! We were also able to do cardboard testimonies (just like in this video) I even took a huge step of faith and did one myself! Mine was "Struggling with post partum depression" my flip side: "My strength is the joy of the Lord." It was amazing to see some of the testimonies out there, all these people I have known for some time, I didn't realize some of their struggles. Those were just two of the awesome parts, there was so so much more! It was so amazing!!!!

- LIFE -
We are doing pretty good over in our house. Parker is growing like a weed and goes in tomorrow for a monthly weight check and a couple of shots. He has had a rough day today...severe diarrhea today, I mean full out, up the back, out the sides, on the clothes. He has had no other issues, no fever, no cold actions, nothing...I am wondering if it isn't because of teething, but I will discuss that with DR. tomorrow. Drew and I are both down right exhausted. I am feeling icky and would love to sleep a week.

I have missed you all, I am going to go for now, I have a lot to catch up on!

Just Call me Frank Blunt

I am going to be frank and I am going to be blunt.

There are days, that I feel completely overwhelmed...I mean so stinking overwhelmed to where all I want to do is hide in the closet, snuggled in a blanket and cry. I just feel like, how on earth could God entrust this child to me? I am one of the most impatient, easily irrtible, hot tempered person (not all the time, I promise..and some of you are like, what not you?!) So then why must my child have acid reflux? I mean, oh man, some days I just want to put a cork in him. I just sometimes lose patience and get really nippy....at my 6 month old.

So I am overwhelmed...
But also I feel....
defeated
like the worse mom ever
frustrated
alone
sad

I feel like because I feel all these things I am being defeated. Satan is seriously attacking me. (He tends to do so...I think he should just go sit on a hot ember!) I mean, talk about negative attacks to my mind and heart. Talk about guilt trips galore and worry galore, doubt galore. I mean, this stupid dude knows every single stinking button to push and guess what....today, in fact, right now, he is pushing it. Oh man, there goes the, "if you keep being honest, then your friends will hate you" button. Guess what Satan....you just need to shut up! Oh but he is loud, no? I have guilt trips all the time, mommy guilt I call it. Oh man, I hate it, but I battle it DAILY! And I always worry about things...and that leads me to getting it into my head that something bad has happened or whatever. I doubt myself as a mother sometimes too...ok er, all the time.

Mother guilt, doubt and worry all lead to me feeling like the worst mom ever. I hate that feeling. I hate that there are days that Parker makes me want to go live under a rock. there are days when all this stuff is reeling in my head and I get short and I get upset and I can't enjoy my son and that is not right. Deep down, I know that I am a great mom, I have helped my son out so much and he counts on me and I do what I can, but I don't often look deep enough. There are times that I resent my dear boy. I feel terrible for that. I guess I think about last year, how I could go out whenever, hang out with people as long as I wanted, my house was clean and semi-(not at all) organized and things were just dandy. Now it's hard, I am constantly wandering through the maze in my living room, washing bottles, making formula, getting spit up on, cleaning up baby spit, picking up toys. I can't go out without him often, and going out with him is such a chore. I miss it just being me and Drew. I don't think I am really used to it being the 3 (er make that 4 - the cat) of us yet. Does this make me selfish?

Currently, I am beginning to mourn that my pregnancy ended the way it did. It just seems so unfair. I missed out on so much and for that, I am ticked. it's just not fair, ya know. I am really mad and hurt and upset about it, still...6 months later. I just seriously don't understand it. What did I do wrong and why do I feel like it was a punishment? I don't think most of you can understand these hard feelings. I mean, explain to me why I went in for a pain in my side and ended up with a preemie and in the hospital...it's not fair. I mean, I really don't want to be mad at God, but I can't help it too. I know he does things for a reason and yah, I know there are certain ones for me and yes I can point them out, BUT I am human and I have these feelings that I fight. I feel like my pregnancy just - well - died. One day I feel my son kicking inside me, the next, I was in some of the most terrible pain I have felt and my son was lying in an incubator growing outside me. For this reason, I am TERRIFIED of getting pregnant again. I am terrified of "marital relations" again. Because I REALLY do not want to go through this again and I may and I may not...and that's frustrating, to not know if it would happen again or not.

I need to regroup and pray and pray hard. I need to cry and I need to know that I am normal and not insane.