The Baby # 2 Issue

I need prayer because I am just going batty right now. I am feeling this overwhelming pressure to have another child and I am going to tell you this - as much as I want one, the thought of being pregnant again makes when want to throw up and I start to kind of hyperventilate.

Can you blame me? Considering how my last pregnancy went?

No one is putting this pressure on me except for "myself." And even then, I am pretty sure it's satan's way of getting me where it hurts. I love my friends, all of them, and most have 2 or more kids (or are on their way to that, or have just had a brand new one) and so I supposed you could say society is also putting this pressure on me. None of my friends do it, they know better and they know that it's a touchy subject. I adore them and one of my closest friends even knows the name I would want if I had another one...but I just don't know.

If I could go into a pregnancy knowing 100% that everything would be A-ok and I'd have a "normal" one, I'd jump on that bandwagon, but the truth is, I haven't a CLUE what to expect. I could have a perfect pregnancy or I could have one like Parker's - I just don't know right now. I talked to my OB/GYN when I was there in Jan. and she and I both agreed that I would need to see a high risk doctor first and go from there. Ideally, we'd MAYBE start trying again later this year. However, there are so many things holding me back.

Even now as I type this I am crying...because the overwhelming reality of what I have been through is hitting me, yet again. I can say that God has changed me through all of this, but it doesn't mean I am not scare, worried, terrified, "damaged" by it all. I don't know if other people in my situation ever feel this way - I would assume so. I just still have a lot more healing emotionally to do from his birth.

Not to mention, I'd really like to lose more weight and get healthier before I go getting pregnant again. It would lower my risks of some of the issues I did have - and I am trying to do that. Believe me I am.

Then there's Parker - I want to focus on him and his development. I can't imagine having another preemie, Parker still needing therapy and having to balance all of that.

Besides, right now, I am enjoying being a mom to 1. He's so worth it and I love spending our one on one time...I am not sure I would want that to just go away.

Don't get me wrong, I do want another child. I have always wanted two - a boy and a girl. And to be honest I never wanted them close together anyway. I am the oldest in my family, my brother Phil (next oldest) and I are 3 yrs apart and he and Steph are 4 years apart and she and Brandon are 3 years apart and I like that. I think that's what I want with my kids. I am just in no rush. I also want to adopt, maybe Drew and I will end up pursuing that rather than having one of our own - I don't know.

All I know is that when I feel like I do right now, I turn to blogging and getting it out and more than that - I turn to God, I pray that He give me a peace and just let his will be done. I don't know what his plans are and I know that at anytime he could strike my uterus and boom - baby 2 could be concieved...but that's his decision. He knows what my life looks like, I don't. But I trust him.

And for now, I think I will just enjoy this adorable little 22 month old:



And really, how could I not?

....Thy Name Is....

Failure thy name is Denise...

OK before you start going off on me and telling me how wonderful of a mom and wife and friend and yadda yadda I am, hear me out on this one... ok. I promise it starts off rough, but gets SO much better.

For several weeks (ok so maybe my whole life) I have been feeling like a failure. A failure as a mom, family member, wife, woman, Christian...I could list more. I could make a list of all the things I am convinced I have failed at, HOWEVER, I won't. Mostly because you don't have the time to read them all and also because, they aren't important, especially past things. Most recently though there have been 3 areas and which I have felt like a colossal failure.

1) Parker - I can see you sitting there now about ready to beat your head (or perhaps past that point) on the desk. Bare (bear?) with me. Where he is concerned, because I care THAT deeply, I feel like I fail on a daily basis. This past weekend was one of those areas. My sweet little man had, yet again, another wheezing episode. On Thursday last week, he became congested. Paying close enough attention I noticed that he was coughing - ding ding ding - a light went off - I remembered that this is actually a first sign of potential wheezing....I albuteroled the heck out of him Thursday. Friday he sounded great, no real cough, so I didn't worry - until the evening. That's when the big coughs came - again...friend thy name is albuterol. Saturday morning the poor boy woke up a hot wheezy mess. I called his pediatricians office knowing full well that it was a Sat and I probably would get a co-worker of his normal dr. We went in, sure enough....my ears did not deceive me. *Feeling of failure comes in here* The Dr. whom I thought was REALLY awesome talked to me about how I did the right thing, and how we would start Parker on FloVent (a preventative breathable inhaler) and OraPred (oral steroid - know as to me - Parker's hyper happiness) and that we wouldn't need to go to the ER. (Side note: all the way to the dr. I was convinced I'd have to take him to the ER). I asked her about 4 times if she was SURE I wouldn't need to take him to the er. Nope she said. Ok sure. I told her that I felt so happy that I had gotten ahead of if for the first time and that I really though there would be no wheezing this time around and she said that I had. (Ok then why the wheezing huh?) With his lungs being as premature as they were it's not surprising that even though I was really vigilant he still wheezed. It's the nature of the beast.

I left feeling both relieved and worried. We got home and Parker's wheezing got worse. I call the Dr. back (feeling of failure #2) and asked what to do (I actually called my friend Crissy first...thanks for listening to me that day - Love you!) She said that again, I had done the right thing, calling her (she seems to know I need reassurance) and that we would put him on albuterol every two hours for 6 hours (that would be three doses before bedtime) to give both the Flovent and the orapred the ability to really get in his system. It worked! I was thrilled and those failure feelings left.

So that's the most recent "issue" with Parker and failure coming into play. Today's feeling of failure - my son too much TV (P.S. he's currently napping - I don't have him watching the Boob Tube). He actually doesn't get that much. He gets an hour of Sesame street after nap. And maybe 1-1.5 hours the rest of the day spread out. (The kid must watch Yo Gabba Gabba before bed....and I am ok with that, because by the time it's over, he's read to sleep.)

2) Keeping house
I am not gonna lie, I hate housework. I hate everything about it, but I hate my house being messy - imagine that. I think sometimes it feels pointless to clean. Like yesterday, I worked REALLY hard on cleaning the kitchen. It looked pretty (needed to sweep and mop but with my head cold, I just couldn't continue past what I had done.) and nice. I made dinner - and now, it's destroyed. Again. Ugh. Oh and the living room. Toys toys everywhere. Ugh. I feel like a failure in the house cleaning area. Maybe if I wasn't sick it would better. Oh who are we kidding, it wouldn't make a difference, I just have zero cleaning motivation.

3) My weight.
I am overweight. There - I said it. I know I am, I know I have been and I have a REAL TRUE desire to lose weight. If I can lose weight I should be able to have a healthy pregnancy again (when we are ready...and want to try again - READ I AM NOT PREGNANT) and I think I would like myself better. I want so bad to go on Weight Watchers or something, but I stress about the money and the doing it and the keeping the motivation part. Ugh. I hate it. I feel like such a failure in the weight loss area.

satan they name is snot

I mean really! I have had a head cold/sinus infection for a week now and I don't really feel too much better. I am still blowing my nose every 3.5 seconds (ok I exaggerate). I have used mucinex, sudafed, tylenol head and cold and I swear I am still so friggin clogged. I hate this and am convinced satan lives in my sinus' and is named snot.

Speaking of the red dude. I know that he is why I feel like a failure. He plays on my insecurities, my fears, my doubts. If he didn't know me so dang well and left me alone, I know that I would feel better. It gets frustrating, because I do try to not listen, but it's hard ya know? I am thankful that I have grown so much since P's birth because I truly believe that time and the growth afterwards has helped me to learn how to overcome satan's lies. Now, don't get me wrong, I am not perfect and there are times I listen to them, but a majority of the time, I am fine or I can notice them easier and get myself into a much better frame of mind.

So yah.

I think I will let you go....

Post thy name is long.....

(P.S. sorry for my obsession with the phrase "thy name is."





****Please note that I say "I Feel Like" not "I Am A" Failure! I am learning to not allow what I feel to constantly rule my life and me!****

Hello Strangers...

Well, I have totally stunk at updating this thing recently and I greatly apologize. I can honestly say things have been super busy and this took a back seat for a while. However, I need this blog and I am planning to REALLY try to update it better. How many times recently have I said that? I am serious though. I also know that some of you may be reading this because my wonderful in-laws added in our blog address for Parker updates. And I would hate for you to not get any!

Speaking of which - Parker is doing wonderful. His vocabulary has grown a lot recently. We are currently seeing him use these words frequently:
- Mama (or meme)
- Dada
- Uh-oh (comes out more like ohhhhh)
- Yah
- Oh yah
- No (thankfully, he doesn't say this often, he does nod his head)
- Cookie (more like ook) (like hook without the h)
- Hot Dog (haha, this is his newest - gog - like dog with a g)
- Elmo (ok so this one is more like ehmo)
- Hoo, Hoo

Not to shabby! I am sure this ST* will be impressed considering last time she was here we didn't even get half of that! He walks and climbs on everything. He's hysterical really...and a pain at times. He's been in this mood of testing recently. Like for example, let's see what mommy does when I try to eat my night light. (Not the best night and no worries he didn't hurt himself and it's now where he cant reach it). Parker can successfully go up and down stairs, though we keep the stairway closed off to him unless we are actually going down them to get out of our apartment. He is quite the eater and we are working on using sippys. He uses the kind with straws, but the therapist would prefer we use the other kind.

In general, we are all ok. Very very busy this month (hence the lack of updates). The first week of dec. was crazy, we had something going on every day. Last week, not too bad, this week - two christmas parties, and then our Christmas church concert Fri - Sun. And we have guests Friday, Sat. and sunday! Oh yah, fun times! And then next week the in-laws get here for Christmas. I am so excited. I love spending time with them.

I may not update the rest of the week, hopefully you can understand that it's just that time of year. Please be praying for me, I am so burnt out. I am drained emotionally, physically, spiritually and really need next week. Pray for Hope:The Invitation my church christmas program! I can't wait and I want it to touch people! Pray for safe travels for my dad and stepmom (they are coming sat), for our friend Dave (coming Friday) and for Brandee and Rick (coming sat) and for safe travels for my in-laws.

I hope you all enjoy your Christmas! Sorry I won't be around much! I will try maybe one more update between now and next wed.

Hugs

In which a title doesn't explain it...

God is really working in my life right now and while it took me FOREVER to see it, I am so glad I finally open up my eyes to all the good things he is doing. A couple weeks ago I wrote about issues I was going through and made you all sit here and wonder, what the HECK is up with her, and if you didn't...oh well! Well, little did I know God was doing something - he's always doing something - and I tend to be completely blind at first. Who isn't?

First of all, lets say those issues - GONE! Even better than that - it was all in my head! YES! I knew I was going crazy! :) It's so funny to me now, looking back, a lot of the issues with the issues were created by me - not stepping up and listening when I should have been. Yah, I like to think I am in charge - but God has other plans.

I have realized a lot over the past 2 days that God has really blessed me! I mean I knew it but now, now I KNOW it...and all it took was a sermon, 2 bonfires and an email! :) (and a partridge in a pear tree).

Pastor Mike's sermon this sunday was about God rocking our world. He discussed Act 16 - in which Paul and Silas were in jail. It really hit me as Pastor Mike talked about how they waited. Waiting for me - well lets say I am not a waiter...I am impatient...yet here this innocent men are, in jail, and rather than giving in and giving up and walking away, they waited. I mean...they could have just been like, "ok God, seriously, we are SO over this.." but they didn't. They waited until God has accomplished what he wanted and then they left. Pastor Mike brought up the thought, ya know, after the earthquake the doors were open....P and S could have just left while the guard slept - but nooooo, they stayed, they waited. WHAT? I mean, awesome. I have to admit, God has really rocked my world in my life...and I will also admit that there have been some incidents in which I did not wait...and I regret that. But the times I stayed and waited and saw what God had in store - man, they did rock my world. This sermon seriously just hit me...in a good way.

Sunday evening was the Vista staff bonfire at our friend's the Webbs. God opened up my eyes during the bonfire. See, these are people that most of the time I only spend time with at church or church functions. For example Pastor Mike's awesome wife - see I have only ever seen her at something church related - rather a actual sunday service, choir practice or program. It was cool for me to see her in a new way - like any other women...I am so used to her being the illusive Tammy Smith, wife of the pastor...but I tend to forget she's just like me. It was good for me to see her and others in the relaxed environment. As I sat with these amazing people...it hit me, God has placed some amazing people in my life...I am VERY fortunate. I left that evening very content and thrilled to call these people my friends.

Then last night...bonfire #2. This was with my old life group. And once again I realized - I have been blessed with amazing friends. It was great to see Parker playing with the other kids and friends. My son has some very special friends in that group. I am so glad he is going to grow up knowing them. The bonfire last night made me miss that life group...i mean, it seems like this group has been through a lot together and these are friends that I will have for a long time. We have invested in each other a lot and it's good to know that we all connect well. Once again - God showed me what I hadn't been seeing.

Then this morning - I received an email. I am not sure if I have posted it on here, but I have been praying for a while to make friends in my apartment complex. See, this complex is full of young families and we have lived here a year now and I knew no one really. I got to know the couple below us a bit, but they moved out in June and I ended up feeling very lonely. I didn't know anyone, I was too shy to put myself out there, even though it wouldn't have been that hard. Well about a month ago, maybe a little longer a new couple moved in below us. They have a little boy and I decided to take them some cookies when they were moving in. We talked a bit and introduced ourselves to each other. Then nothing - we didn't really see each other much and when we did, it was more of a hi - bye deal. After we got back from vacation in Sept. they brought us some cookies and thanked us for welcoming them. Then again - nothing...hi-byes. Until last week. I was sitting here watching some Tv and Parker was napping - there was a knock on my door. It was S, the mom, asking me if I would like to go on a walk with her and her son. Parker was napping, but I told her that once he woke up, we'd join her. We went on a walk around the complex and got to know each other. We discussed maybe hosting play groups with some others in complex and evening getting together to have dinner. I emailed her to thank her for the walk and invite her to my Mommies and Munchkins group and didn't hear back from her. I tried not to let it bother me, but it did and I felt like maybe I had made a bad impression or something. Well this morning I got an email from her. She was genuinely happy to meet me and wanted to try to get together weekly to talk and what not.

I don't know why I sit here blind to God's provisions and blessings and direction, but I am going to start watching and looking for those opportunities more.

God is like cool and stuff!

Just Call me Frank Blunt

I am going to be frank and I am going to be blunt.

There are days, that I feel completely overwhelmed...I mean so stinking overwhelmed to where all I want to do is hide in the closet, snuggled in a blanket and cry. I just feel like, how on earth could God entrust this child to me? I am one of the most impatient, easily irrtible, hot tempered person (not all the time, I promise..and some of you are like, what not you?!) So then why must my child have acid reflux? I mean, oh man, some days I just want to put a cork in him. I just sometimes lose patience and get really nippy....at my 6 month old.

So I am overwhelmed...
But also I feel....
defeated
like the worse mom ever
frustrated
alone
sad

I feel like because I feel all these things I am being defeated. Satan is seriously attacking me. (He tends to do so...I think he should just go sit on a hot ember!) I mean, talk about negative attacks to my mind and heart. Talk about guilt trips galore and worry galore, doubt galore. I mean, this stupid dude knows every single stinking button to push and guess what....today, in fact, right now, he is pushing it. Oh man, there goes the, "if you keep being honest, then your friends will hate you" button. Guess what Satan....you just need to shut up! Oh but he is loud, no? I have guilt trips all the time, mommy guilt I call it. Oh man, I hate it, but I battle it DAILY! And I always worry about things...and that leads me to getting it into my head that something bad has happened or whatever. I doubt myself as a mother sometimes too...ok er, all the time.

Mother guilt, doubt and worry all lead to me feeling like the worst mom ever. I hate that feeling. I hate that there are days that Parker makes me want to go live under a rock. there are days when all this stuff is reeling in my head and I get short and I get upset and I can't enjoy my son and that is not right. Deep down, I know that I am a great mom, I have helped my son out so much and he counts on me and I do what I can, but I don't often look deep enough. There are times that I resent my dear boy. I feel terrible for that. I guess I think about last year, how I could go out whenever, hang out with people as long as I wanted, my house was clean and semi-(not at all) organized and things were just dandy. Now it's hard, I am constantly wandering through the maze in my living room, washing bottles, making formula, getting spit up on, cleaning up baby spit, picking up toys. I can't go out without him often, and going out with him is such a chore. I miss it just being me and Drew. I don't think I am really used to it being the 3 (er make that 4 - the cat) of us yet. Does this make me selfish?

Currently, I am beginning to mourn that my pregnancy ended the way it did. It just seems so unfair. I missed out on so much and for that, I am ticked. it's just not fair, ya know. I am really mad and hurt and upset about it, still...6 months later. I just seriously don't understand it. What did I do wrong and why do I feel like it was a punishment? I don't think most of you can understand these hard feelings. I mean, explain to me why I went in for a pain in my side and ended up with a preemie and in the hospital...it's not fair. I mean, I really don't want to be mad at God, but I can't help it too. I know he does things for a reason and yah, I know there are certain ones for me and yes I can point them out, BUT I am human and I have these feelings that I fight. I feel like my pregnancy just - well - died. One day I feel my son kicking inside me, the next, I was in some of the most terrible pain I have felt and my son was lying in an incubator growing outside me. For this reason, I am TERRIFIED of getting pregnant again. I am terrified of "marital relations" again. Because I REALLY do not want to go through this again and I may and I may not...and that's frustrating, to not know if it would happen again or not.

I need to regroup and pray and pray hard. I need to cry and I need to know that I am normal and not insane.

Fear, Faith and Prayer

I have always been a fear dwelling beast, in some ways, I think I have always felt at home in Fear-o-topia, but these past couple of days as I have followed the story of Heather Pick , a local news anchor who passed away Friday after lengthly with breast cancer. As I read the story, the interviewees always said that rather than playing the poor sick me card when it resurfaced in 2004, she began really living life and became an advocate for Breast Cancer Awareness. She didn't live in fear, but rather, relished in each new day.

So WHY ON EARTH DON'T I DO THAT.

I mean, it's not like I don't have a huge awesome loving faithful God on my side, right?

And I have been a believer my entire life, so why do I live in fear, fear of heights, death, pain, speaking in public, the list could go on. Fear has seriously crippled me from trying things and enjoying life to it's fullest. I think that this year speaks to how much I have over come personally!

This year has been a true test for me. It began so perfect, the beginning of my first pregnancy, so much to enjoy and look forward too all having my first little one and so much else. May turned everything around, suddenly I was thrust into a world I never knew, a fear I have always had...who knew one pain in my side could turn into the sudden delivery of my baby boy, 11 weeks early. All these fears swept into my head, would he be ok, would I be ok, was this my fault, this is my fault, was a disappointing everyone. i was scared for Parker for those 69 long days in the NICU, every day fostered a new fear, but every day fostered an even bigger hope and stronger faith in God, and I truly learned to let go and let God.

God healed my boy and allowed me to bring him home perfectly healthy. God continues to heal and hold Parker in his hands...

...why then, Oh silly silly Denise, do you fear even as you sit here typing?

I don't know. God has protected Parker and me and Drew, so why am I scared?

I really don't know, but today at church, Pastor Mike was walking about prayer and it hit me, I really need to pray more....I really need to pray even when it seems silly. If nothing else, when I am especially scared, prayer should really help.

I just keep realizing more and more the Power of God, he is bigger than any fear, any mountain, any hurdle, any pain, any suffering, and (president elect) leaders, any thing. God is in control, he loves us and does not delight in our pains and sufferings and struggles, he hurts too! How cool is that?

My God Is Awesome!