....Thy Name Is....

Failure thy name is Denise...

OK before you start going off on me and telling me how wonderful of a mom and wife and friend and yadda yadda I am, hear me out on this one... ok. I promise it starts off rough, but gets SO much better.

For several weeks (ok so maybe my whole life) I have been feeling like a failure. A failure as a mom, family member, wife, woman, Christian...I could list more. I could make a list of all the things I am convinced I have failed at, HOWEVER, I won't. Mostly because you don't have the time to read them all and also because, they aren't important, especially past things. Most recently though there have been 3 areas and which I have felt like a colossal failure.

1) Parker - I can see you sitting there now about ready to beat your head (or perhaps past that point) on the desk. Bare (bear?) with me. Where he is concerned, because I care THAT deeply, I feel like I fail on a daily basis. This past weekend was one of those areas. My sweet little man had, yet again, another wheezing episode. On Thursday last week, he became congested. Paying close enough attention I noticed that he was coughing - ding ding ding - a light went off - I remembered that this is actually a first sign of potential wheezing....I albuteroled the heck out of him Thursday. Friday he sounded great, no real cough, so I didn't worry - until the evening. That's when the big coughs came - again...friend thy name is albuterol. Saturday morning the poor boy woke up a hot wheezy mess. I called his pediatricians office knowing full well that it was a Sat and I probably would get a co-worker of his normal dr. We went in, sure enough....my ears did not deceive me. *Feeling of failure comes in here* The Dr. whom I thought was REALLY awesome talked to me about how I did the right thing, and how we would start Parker on FloVent (a preventative breathable inhaler) and OraPred (oral steroid - know as to me - Parker's hyper happiness) and that we wouldn't need to go to the ER. (Side note: all the way to the dr. I was convinced I'd have to take him to the ER). I asked her about 4 times if she was SURE I wouldn't need to take him to the er. Nope she said. Ok sure. I told her that I felt so happy that I had gotten ahead of if for the first time and that I really though there would be no wheezing this time around and she said that I had. (Ok then why the wheezing huh?) With his lungs being as premature as they were it's not surprising that even though I was really vigilant he still wheezed. It's the nature of the beast.

I left feeling both relieved and worried. We got home and Parker's wheezing got worse. I call the Dr. back (feeling of failure #2) and asked what to do (I actually called my friend Crissy first...thanks for listening to me that day - Love you!) She said that again, I had done the right thing, calling her (she seems to know I need reassurance) and that we would put him on albuterol every two hours for 6 hours (that would be three doses before bedtime) to give both the Flovent and the orapred the ability to really get in his system. It worked! I was thrilled and those failure feelings left.

So that's the most recent "issue" with Parker and failure coming into play. Today's feeling of failure - my son too much TV (P.S. he's currently napping - I don't have him watching the Boob Tube). He actually doesn't get that much. He gets an hour of Sesame street after nap. And maybe 1-1.5 hours the rest of the day spread out. (The kid must watch Yo Gabba Gabba before bed....and I am ok with that, because by the time it's over, he's read to sleep.)

2) Keeping house
I am not gonna lie, I hate housework. I hate everything about it, but I hate my house being messy - imagine that. I think sometimes it feels pointless to clean. Like yesterday, I worked REALLY hard on cleaning the kitchen. It looked pretty (needed to sweep and mop but with my head cold, I just couldn't continue past what I had done.) and nice. I made dinner - and now, it's destroyed. Again. Ugh. Oh and the living room. Toys toys everywhere. Ugh. I feel like a failure in the house cleaning area. Maybe if I wasn't sick it would better. Oh who are we kidding, it wouldn't make a difference, I just have zero cleaning motivation.

3) My weight.
I am overweight. There - I said it. I know I am, I know I have been and I have a REAL TRUE desire to lose weight. If I can lose weight I should be able to have a healthy pregnancy again (when we are ready...and want to try again - READ I AM NOT PREGNANT) and I think I would like myself better. I want so bad to go on Weight Watchers or something, but I stress about the money and the doing it and the keeping the motivation part. Ugh. I hate it. I feel like such a failure in the weight loss area.

satan they name is snot

I mean really! I have had a head cold/sinus infection for a week now and I don't really feel too much better. I am still blowing my nose every 3.5 seconds (ok I exaggerate). I have used mucinex, sudafed, tylenol head and cold and I swear I am still so friggin clogged. I hate this and am convinced satan lives in my sinus' and is named snot.

Speaking of the red dude. I know that he is why I feel like a failure. He plays on my insecurities, my fears, my doubts. If he didn't know me so dang well and left me alone, I know that I would feel better. It gets frustrating, because I do try to not listen, but it's hard ya know? I am thankful that I have grown so much since P's birth because I truly believe that time and the growth afterwards has helped me to learn how to overcome satan's lies. Now, don't get me wrong, I am not perfect and there are times I listen to them, but a majority of the time, I am fine or I can notice them easier and get myself into a much better frame of mind.

So yah.

I think I will let you go....

Post thy name is long.....

(P.S. sorry for my obsession with the phrase "thy name is."





****Please note that I say "I Feel Like" not "I Am A" Failure! I am learning to not allow what I feel to constantly rule my life and me!****

A Glimpse

There is no way that I could ever completely share with you how it felt to have Parker at 29 weeks. I can sit here and say the words, scary, sad, worried, guilt, anger, terrified....but unless you actually experience for yourself what I and many others have been through, you can't know. I can tell you the story over and over again....with all the dramatic affects and pauses, but again, unless you experience it yourself...you just can't completely get it.

I am sure most, if not all, of you know who the Duggar's are. If not, then go here: Duggar Family. Their most recent addition is little Josie, born at 27 weeks, due to severe preeclampsia, by emergency c-section. (Pretty much my circumstances, except I also had HELLP SYNDROME.) Well, on Sunday, Jan. 31st TLC will be airing a special about the birth of little Josie. Now, obviously I haven't seen it, so I am not 100% sure how they will portray the situation, how they will handle it, what they will show...but even in the previews you can see the complete fear and sadness on Jim Bob's face, so I am sure they won't hide the seriousness of it and the complete fear and sadness one must feel during these situations.

I encourage you to watch it. One reason why is, because while things were different between what I went through and what the Duggar's went through, the basic raw emotions were the same. Also, I want you to understand that this is something that happens daily. Premature births are on the rise and I want you to be aware of this.

Please consider watching it....I am working up the strength to watch as even the preview makes me cry and want to just turn the TV off.

It is on TLC and will be Sunday at 8pm. For more info go here: Special Duggar Delivery

Journal Journey Wednesday (pt.2 & 3)

***Just so everyone knows, this one will be a bit longer since last week I totally had a brain fart and didn't post! Enjoy - though if you don't read it all - I understand!***

June 14, 2008

"There are days I miss being pregnant. It kind of hurts to know that I'll never have that big belly, the inside out belly button, labor pains, or a vaginal birth experience. I think I really need to mourn this reality - so I can move on and focus primarily on Parker. I need to go home and pack up my maternity clothes - it's hard to walk in my closet and see them hanging there. I also am gonna get rid of my pregnancy books, just seeing them makes me sad."

June 15, 2008

"Happy Daddy's Day!!! Great news, Parker is off CPAP! His numbers are staying up great right now. He has had a couple of brady's but bounces back quickly"

June 16, 2008

"Went to church last night and boy am I glad! I really needed it. I didn't feel bombarded with people or questions, though I talked to so many! I enjoyed the message too! It was about outreach, which is weighing on my heart. Being here in the NICU I feel that I have a lot of opportunity to reach out to others, but I just don't know how to approach them."

June 17, 2008

"Today has been an incredibly hard day...I am so ticked right now - I am pretty sure that I have the worlds worst nurse. She is very unpersonable and has been short with us all morning. It doesn't help because today has started out totally cruddy. I got a call from Dr. W. at 7:30 this morning. Parker had had a rough night. They put him on oxygen and took an xray of his chest and belly. This showed something in his bowel, which could be a possible infection. They have suspended his feeds until they find out what's going on. They even drew blood and put him back on an IV...

(Later that day)
"At this point they don't think it's an infection, but they are waiting on cultures, which will take a couple of days. He will be staying on his nasal cannula. I was reading Marla's book just now and came across this quote:'Our little ones are resilient and forgiving. Our God is a God of grace. These experiences keep us humble and remind us of our need for a Savior. And those angels are always on duty.' Oh how I needed that today."

(Even later that day...)
"This whole thing is frustrating me. I mean besides my growing PPD; I am watching my child struggle. It feels like he takes 4 steps forward and 15 steps back. i feel like we are gonna be in this NICU FOREVER. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I feel my hope just slowly fading away. I see no light at the end of the tunnel. I am doing my best to fully rely on God and trust that He is handling this situation. I really just want to scream out to God. Or maybe even scream at Him. Is it even ok that I am angry? Because I am so angry. I truly do not understand why I am finding myself in this situation. I feel like I am being punished or something. But, yet, I know deep down I am not. The hardest thing is to meet other children and see them thriving when Parker is having all these issues. I keep playing the comparison game. I look over at L and think 'well he's been off Cpap for a couple weeks and is doing well. Parker not so much.' But Parker is not L, nor is he B or anyone else, he's Parker. This is how Parker is, this is his life and his set of challenges - this is what will make him stronger and make him who he is as Parker. It doesn't make it any easier to watch him struggle though..."



It kind almost cracks me up to read these now. Mostly because of my horrible grammar and punctuation. I can look back now at this set of entries and clearly see what God was doing. He grew my so much during that time. I have since learned to lean on Him and trust Him and His will. That hard day I was having on June 17th just shows this to me. At the time, I didn't think I could make it through. I was angry with the rude nurse, scared for Parker, depressed, angry with God, wanting to scream....and now I look at it and clearly see God's leading and His lessons. I won't lie, there are a lot of times now that I struggle to trust, but I have grown to know that that's all I can do at times. And I see what this trusting can do. I trusted God with Parker's allergy tests and they came back mostly great!

God is good and he has a plan for Parker...who knew? - Oh He did!

Guest Post - Cheryl from Lips Unzipped

I asked a new friend a couple weeks ago to share her preemie story. Unfortunately, last week I wasn't able to post her story because of a trip to Indiana and no internet, but this week, I am thrilled to introduce you to Cheryl from Lips Unzipped!

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Hi everyone!!! Denise recently asked if anyone would be willing to write a guest post on preemies, since it is prematurity awareness month! I’ll introduce myself a little bit and then get into the nitty gritty details! I’m Cheryl, a 28 year old mom to 2 beautiful little girls. Lauren who is almost 3 and Jillian who turned 1 in September. Married to my “soul mate” (sound sickening?? Well, I didn’t believe in soul mates either until I met Adam) we’ve been together for almost 10 years, married for almost 5.

My first daughter, Lauren was born at 38 weeks, 1 day. Via c-section. I had been having pretty regular contractions and she was sitting VERY low in my pelvis. I actually started with preterm labour on Christmas Eve of 2006. Lauren is my “atypically” developing child. No serious complications after birth, nothing that would ever clue me into problems we might have with subsequent children. My wish was always to have a large family, since I’m an only child. However, it didn’t work out that way!

Jillian is the icing to our cake, I guess. My worrying about her started at 12 weeks gestation. When I had the triple screen done to check for chromosomal defects. I went to the doctor and he told me that my levels for Downs Syndrome and Spina Bifida were raised. Adam and I opted to have an amnio, not that we would have done anything with the results, we just needed to know. Come to find out, Jillian’s chromosomes were all there, happy, healthy and accounted for. My doctor warned that it might be a placental problem, so, we’d have to keep an eye on it.

Now while I was pregnant, I met a wonderful friend Anna. Who actually had a 26 weeker. I visited them on a regular basis and hoped that I would be BEGGING Jillian to vacate my body. Almost a month after Noel was born, I was walking back from visiting him and noticed that my pants and underwear were wet. It was summer. I started making excuses about why it might be happening. “Maybe I peed myself?” (Jillian was also a frank breech presentation) “Maybe Jillian kicked something?” Lauren needed a nap, so, I laid down to get some rest when she fell asleep. When I stood up, I felt a small gush. I panicked. I was 29 weeks, 3 days. I immediately called Adam and asked him to come home.

Fast forward 4 days. My doctor and I had already discussed that I was going to have a repeat c-section. I REALLY wanted a VBAC, but, my uterine scar was thinning. I was put on complete hospital bedrest for 4 days. I was only allowed up to use the bathroom, oh and a 5 minute shower every 2 days, where a nurse would stand outside and knock when my time was up. I felt like a prisoner, but I was willing to do anything to keep Jillian inside! Luckily, Adam was able to stay home with Lauren and they made twice daily treks to the hospital.

September 8th, 2008 marked the day that Jillian entered our family. She was born at 30 weeks gestation. Jillian gave us a scare the night before she was born when her heart rate was up to 190 bpm. She settled down and I attempted to sleep. My doctor arrived in the morning (after being on call all night) and did an ultrasound. I was contracting every 10 minutes, but it wasn’t painful at all. I thought it was Braxton hicks and that it would go away. He checked my cervical length and dilation through the ultrasound since my water had broken, they didn’t want to introduce any bacteria. At 8am, I was completely closed, not effaced, feeling I had nothing to worry about.

By 10 o’clock, I was having to breathe through contractions and concentrate. I paged my nurse (who immediately came running because she knew I didn’t page them unless absolutely necessary) my nurse paged the resident on call. They were all trying to decide if they should take me to labour and delivery to monitor my contractions, or just take Jillian out. The resident decided to check to see if I were dilating. I had made it to 3 cms (in less than 2 hours). Since my blood pressure was so low, they couldn’t put me on ANY drugs to stop the contractions. So, it was go time. I asked them how long I had before we went to the OR. I was told 10 minutes, TOPS. I IMMEDIATELY called Adam and told him to get to the hospital. Thankfully a nurse and a social worker were able to watch Lauren. By the time my spinal was placed they checked me again and I was 6 cms dilated, guess it is true that you go faster with your second baby!

Since Jillian was breech, when the doctors lifted her out, they flashed me her bum before heading to the NICU. I was so upset to be separated from her, but, I knew she was in VERY competent hands. Considering her gestational age, it really surprised EVERYONE that she cried when she was born.
After spending 5 weeks in the NICU, Jillian FINALLY got to come home on Thanksgiving Monday (October 13, 2008- we’re Canadian, eh?!) I thought that our battle with prematurity was over . Sure, we had TONS of doctors visits and other things to keep her healthy, but I didn’t think we’d see any long term effects.

In November of 2008, Jillian was hospitalized briefly for a blue spell. She stopped breathing for 5 seconds, twice. HOW SCARY! They decided to do a head ultrasound while we were there (VERY common in preemies) they did see that she had a PVL and told me it could lead to Cerebral Palsy. Obviously devastated, I wanted to be able to fight for Jillian. We ended up having another head ultrasound in February of 2009. Fortunately, they saw that her PVL was gone. Adam and I were ecstatic. Unfortunately, her soft spot was fusing, so they didn’t get an accurate picture.

Jillian is developmentally delayed, with VERY high muscle tone in her legs and trunk. Depending on early intervention, we started therapies. In September of 2009, Jillian’s fabulous doctor decided that she needed a sedated MRI to see if there were any underlying causes of her delays and muscle tone. It was then we learned that the PVL wasn’t gone, in fact, it had gotten bigger. Obviously upset again, I decided we needed to fight harder for Jillian.

As of October 22nd, 2009, Jillian has been diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy. We don’t know the type or severity yet as we have to see what Jillian will do on her own. Our hopes are high that Jillian will over come this, but we also have to be realistic about the whole thing. Jillian’s CP is a result of her early birth. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I would have a “special needs” baby. Not that I’m close minded or anything like that. But, I think we as parents NEVER want to hear that there is something wrong with your child.

We are now awaiting so many specialists I don’t know when I’ll ever be able to sleep. Jillian is our icing on the cake, and we wouldn’t have it any other way.

A Word From Our Sponsors...

Ok, so make it a word from the writer of this here blog. I will do my special post here in just a moment but first I need to pretty much let it out and beg you all for prayers.

If you follow my on facebook then most of you know the current state of my mind and the situation with Parker. If you don't then here is a basic run down.

Parker is ill - some tummy bug virus thing that has made him poo like there's no tomorrow and not eat a darn thing. He has thankfully been drinking like a champ so he is super hydrated. I took him to the doctor yesterday because I had been changing at least 10 diapers a day due to his body just simply cleaning out. The doctor was thrilled that he had not had a fever at all and that it's basically been diarrhea. We have to let it run its course and of course that is just hard in and of itself. Each day Parker is doing better - though he still isn't eating much at all and he's very worn out, which I would be too.

This on top of his therapy that he is currently going through, the new formula they have switched him to and the appointment next week for allergy testing is really overwhelming me. I am mentally burnt out, emotionally burnt out and my eyes hurt from crying. I can honestly say that my depressions is back and terrible and I am shutting myself down and off to others.

So if you could take the time to pray Parker heals better and that I can find peace and rest that would be awesome.

1 Parker + 1 Dog = Allergy Tests Galore!

Some of you follow me on facebook, others on twitter, some know me personally and already know this, but I want to share with you our current situation with Parker.

Saturday (Aug. 8) Parker and I went over to my friend Chrissy's new house. She has two precious dogs - Daisy and Darby. Parker was on the floor loving on Darby and she loving on him. They stopped for a brief moment and I noticed that poor Parker was red every spot where he'd been licked. I didn't think much of it, figured, hey, he's never been around dogs really (we have a cat) so it's probably just a small irritation. In fact, Chrissy and I giggled about it! Then, Parker started to itchy really bad - then puff up, and then hives started showing up. I took him to urgent care and it was confirmed that Parker had an allergic reaction to dog saliva.

Today, Parker woke up with a fever (totally unrelated to the allergy issue) and so knowing we needed to follow up anyways and being concerned by the highness of the fever I made a sick appointment. Parker has a virus, should be gone by the end of the week at the latest.

And here's where the fun comes in - Dr. D wants Parker to have allergy tests done. So tomorrow, we are going to a lab and he will get check for allergies to - dog dander and saliva, cat dander and saliva, wheat, soy and milk! We pretty much already know about the dog saliva - which means we can't even have a hypoallergenic dog - those are dander "proof" only). There is the possibility of cat allergies - which could explain his on going eczema. And the food, that's mainly precautionary, but again, it could also explain the eczema.

So I am a bit bummed. I love cats and dogs and now, we may need to get rid of our cat and we won't be able to get a dog. I realize down the road that Parker could very likely outgrow some intolerance to dogs, but still, its a huge bummer. Also, we will probably have to be prepared for asthma testing and such too. Woohoo!

I am taking this hard. Not sure why, just am.

So if you could be praying for Parker and the tests and for me as I come to terms with it, I'd appreciate it!

Thanks

Just Stuff

- First of all, I have to tell you all that Parker took his first step on Friday! I was sitting on the floor while he was playing and I picked him up and stood him up a few inches from me. (He can stand on his own without holding on to things) Next thing I know, he picks up his foot and takes a step forward and immediately falls into my arms. It was awesome! Yay bubba!

- I need prayer - I am praying about a few things - 1) Going to Cambodia: I am planning on doing it, I just need prayer to bring me to peace about being overseas, in a new country, several hours flying, being away from Drew and Parker. ANXIETY anyone? and 2) Prayer for getting in better shape. When I do go to Cambodia (thinking Feb?) I would like to be in better shape so that I am not killed by the heat and the activity. I already do mommies and munchkins 2 times a week, I want to start going out and walking on my own. Now that I have my iphone, I can use it as an ipod and I had Drew put a couple of playlists on it for me that will motivate me. 3) A Job - while this is no where near official - I know I should start praying now. There may possibly be an opportunity for me to get a part time job with my church - now I am not 100% sure on it...I don't know when it will happen...I don't know if I will be offered. I guess I just want prayer that God would open doors (either at church or other places) because the truth is, we could use an income from me...even if minimal. I am not ready to put Parker in a day care so I hope and pray I can find something that would allow me to bring him with me to work or work from home.

- My Zoo - do you use facebook? Do you know of this application? Oh my gosh, I am addicted to it. You basically build and manage your own zoo. I wish I earned more money faster...I'd like to know how my step sis has 8 million dollars to play with.

- Big Brother - any other fans out there? If there are I will rant later about it, if not, I won't make you read it!

- My week - it's looking like a busy week. I have mommies and munchkins tues, and then a leah sophia party I am hoping to go to. Wed Parker has an in home visit with his Help Me Grow case worker (She didn't lose her job in recent cuts PTL), Thursday we have a WIC appointment, then that night we are attending a dessert thing in which we will get to talk to Jen, our missionary in Cambodia that is currently home on furlough. Friday I am going to go to a local preschool concert thing with some friends!

- Apologies - I am sorry I have been lacking in updates - the truth is I feel like I am in a rut. But, I am hoping now that my moodiness and depression are under control I will be able to focus and write more frequently.

Tidbits: Hopes and Dreams, Revisiting Kids Bop, This week

Another Tidbit Post:

1) Hopes and Dreams

"You can say I'm a dreamer, but I am not the only one..." I have a lot on my heart recently, Good stuff, but a lot. My hopes and dreams grow daily. And one hope and dream and I am praying about working out is going to Cambodia next year to visit the orphanage that Vista sponsors. Our church is very connected to Asia's Hope, a wonderful ministry that offers hope to orphans! Our church has helped to build an orphanage home in Cambodia. We have a missionary over there currently, a lovely lady from our church that has been there for 10+ months and who will be home for a little bit at the end of this week and then returning back! We have sent many over to visit the orphanage and our children. Jen updates about them here: Asian Vista. Last Christmas, I completely fell in love with the kids when during our Christmas program we were able to do online talk through Skype during the program. Those kids are lovely and precious and I so want to go hug each one. Recently, my heart is being tugged on and I am praying about going on a trip to Cambodia the next time we as a church send some another Vista group. To be honest, this SCARES ME TO DEATH! 1) I mean, it's Cambodia - a completely different world than here. 2) Loooong flight, the furthest I've flown was to Cancun (and I cried a lot because I hate planes!) 3) I am worried about pretty much everything - health, food, will I do ok, blah blah blah. 4) I don't have a passport! I am sure if it is meant to be it will all come together, but to be honest. it all just makes me nervous.

2) Revisiting Kidz Bop

Once again, I have a bone to pick with whoever created this silly CD. Do you really think putting today's pop/rock hits to kids music makes it all better? I mean, have you HEARD the songs in real life? Just because you put them to some cotton candy music and maybe change one or two words, doesn't make it any more appropriate! I can tell you right now, Parker will never own one of those CD's, or Heely's for that matter, but that's a whole other post!

3) This Week

So this week is looking like a fun week. I think later after Parker is awake, he and I are going to meet Tabatha and Logan at the park and hang out for the afternoon! I am so excited! I need to get out of this house. Tomorrow, I have Mommies and Munchkins and thankfully it won't be as hot as the other day when I almost passed out. I am looking forward to it. Wed, we have to run up to the Vista office so that I can make copies. As well as we are going to go over to Crissy's so mommy gets some girl time and I am going to bring Parker's little pool and I'm gonna let him "swim." Thursday is going to be nuts, mommies and munchkins in the morning, then Drew and I are going to go to Easton to do some thinking through stuff. That evening my in laws will be here. Friday, is my mom in law's birthday, we are going to go to the zoo, hang out, play games and then take her to dinner and then Saturday is the 4th - we are going to a parade, and the fireworks later in the day. Sunday, church!

Oh yah, busy busy, so please understand if my posts aren't that thrilling this week!

Oh can you say a prayer for me, I am going to be calling my Dr. today about my anti-depressant and also, calling for a counselor. I'm a little nervous about that!

Clearing out my head, talking to myself, things like that.

First of all, I am so so excited! Today we went to Babies R Us to find an umbrella stroller for Parker. We don't really need our bigger one anymore and for our vacation in a couple weeks, we want something more compact. So we went in praying we'd find something affordable, durable and decent. We had had one on our registry at one point that was 130 some dollars, but we really wanted to try to keep it under 100 if we could. Well, we did, the stroller we bought ended up being on sale, marked from 139 to 99 and we got 10% off because it was the last one they had! I love it, it's cute and nice and totally perfect for Parker!

I was just reading some of the reviews on it from the Babies R Us site and I am struck that there are some negative ones. One, I find more funny and complain-y then helpful, was a lady saying that she couldn't maneuver it, that the wheels got stuck and she couldn't push it with one hand while holding her child. Maybe hers has some problems, but I pushed Parker around the store in it and I didn't have any issues. Sometimes I wonder about the reviews, ya know? anyway, it's going to be awesome to have something smaller and more compact on our trip!

On to other things:

Speaking of our trip...if May 11 doesn't get here soon, I may go crazy. I just really need to get out of here. Out of this house, this city, this state; away from bills, and laundry, and my cat, and grocery lists and negativity. I need a break so bad. My patience is worn thin, I am about to fall in to a quick sand of anger and frustration and depression. I want to get away, go to Tennessee, meet relatives, take my son to Gatlinburg, hike, get a sun tan, no strike that, knowing me it will be a burn. I am so ready to go, well except that I have like no summer clothes that fit me. Need to find some shorts or something. I have my packing list all ready, I have Parker's stroller, just need to get his new car seat. If May 11 doesn't come soon....oh boy am I in trouble.

I am struggling right now in general. I struggle to enjoy Parker's new found crawling and standing up on things expertise. I thought it was going to be awesome, but I don't know. I think I worry too much. If I didn't worry about every little fall, every little bump or bruise or this stupid H1N1 (which seriously is a dumb name) flu. Why do I worry, I mean really, what's the point in it? I worry about everything, I worry people will judge me and hate me and make fun of me (for what, I don't know!). I worry Parker's little falls will result in a concussion or scrape - a Scrape, big deal right? I worry about Drew, the stress his job is currently causing because of changes that (if you ask me) seem kinda stupid, then again, I am not an Apple employee. I am a worry wart (or as Drew says, I have cancer of the worry!)

I am struggling with my family. I love my family, don't get me wrong, but I really am hurt at times by them. There are certain people in my family that hurt me more than others. Let's just say they are emotionally unavailable. I want to say that I believe they care about me and my family, but at times, I truly wonder. It hurts, to feel like I can't turn to them or that they don't want anything to do with me. In the back of my mind, I know they do care and want to have a relationship, but it's hard to put in the effort when you feel it's all for nothing. I don't know...I just have some deep scars, wounds, seeping boo-boos in this area.

I struggle with my faith and relationship with God. I believe in him 100% - its more about my daily, personal walk with him - or lack there of. I keep telling myself, I am going to start doing daily devotions, read my Bible more, pray, and then I just don't. I am sure if I did have that time, I would feel better. I did decide to get a book from the library, it's called "Ordinary Mom, Extraordinary God" - have any of you read it? It sounds good and maybe it will give me some hope and peace and get me on the write path.

I struggle with personal bubbles. I live in one, I won't lie. (This I think goes back to my fear of rejection and judgement.) I desire so much to put myself out there and get to know other's - especially neighbors. I don't have a play group anymore, which is sad, because it got me out of the house. I want to find something to do. I know one goal of mine is making baby lap time a priority and weekly event. I want to get to know my neighbors here, many have young children and I think it would be nice to be able to just walk over and play. But I am scared too. Most have already existing relationships and I don't want to come in and ruin them.

Sigh....

I just feel heavy and burdened and drained and tired and blah! Very blah! I should go now and work on finishing the lesson for Sunday, especially since Parker is asleep!

Thanks for listening. Sorry I don't have more happy things to post about right now!

The Preemie Reality

Have you ever had one of those days where things are going great and then all of the sudden one thing changes your mood? Yah, well, me too, and that was my Friday.

Friday I got a call from P-town's* occupational therapist. She is a sweet lady and has been following Parker's development since day one! We went in a few weeks ago for his most recent follow up appointment and she was impressed with how well P-town was doing. He was in the average points value for his adjusted age! That's good! But she was concerned with his muscle tone and how he has a tendancy, ok, not a tendancy, but a almost consistent way of tensing his legs and body. Now, don't get me wrong, he can bend his legs, arms, ect, but more often then not, he will tense up while sitting, standing (he does this with support) and such. For example, most babies, when they sit, will sit with their legs bent in some way, Parker automatically puts his straight out and tenses them. Anyways, like I said I got a call from "K" friday, she was reviewing his file and writing his letter to Dr. D and to "S" our Help Me Grow case worker. She said that she wants him to be evaluated and start some physical therapy for a few months. It's really to help with his tone, but when I heard that, I became negative Nancy and worrisome Wanda and now I am in a mood.

For whatever reason, I can't seem to get out of the haze that is my Nancy-ness and my Wanda-ness. If I really think about it, this isn't that big of a deal, he's not getting speech therapy or physical therapy because he can't walk or something. It's just to help him loosen up and such. I should be happy and thankful that he has this opportunity, but the Nancy in me is thinking it's the end of the world and that my son has issues and the Wanda in me, well she's just a pain in the rear! She has me thinking that he will never be "normal". What a liar that wanda can be! And the Denise in me, the Denise and me knows that hey, this is the reality of a preemie, some have more challenges than others and I am thankful that his seem to be little in comparison to other preemies out there. The Denise in me know that this is my reality now, my focus, the focus of other's is helping Parker to be the best he can be and to catch up with his actual age.

The reality is this: preemies face challenges, big and small. Some preemies spend time on oxygen, some have heart problems, some need speech therapy, other's deeper physical therapy. It's the life of a preemie parent to focus on you child, head to appointments, remember you child is only "this" age developmentally, ect. The reality is, our children, our beautiful preemies are special and require more care than children born at full gestation. My hubby's brother was born with many physical disabilities and his mom and dad's reality was taking care of a son who was confined to a wheel chair, with few words, a little movement and had many many hospitalizations. Like them, I have a reality too, the reality that, my son is small for his actual age, is viewed as an (almost) 11 month old, but developmentally is 8.5 months old, he requires more "work", he has 1 tooth and he will be one next month, he takes meds daily...ect.

That's my reality - I am a preemie parent - A PROUD ONE! I love and adore my son. Of course I wish that he had been born in August and that I didn't have this reality, but can't change that. God blessed me with a son born 11 weeks early, a son that will require some more attention. Most days, I feel blessed and humbled by this reality, some days though, like friday, I feel cursed. I cry sometimes realizing that this is what I will be working with for a while, but the truth is, Parker WILL catch up and years down the road, I will be able to tell him his story and share all that I was able to learn. God knows what he is doing and why, I just need to trust that. God has taught me lesson thus far and I can only imagine what He has planned for me.

Parker - if you read this many years later, know that I am honored and blessed to be your mommy. I love you more and more each day. I am only human and I have unfortunately human emotions that can challenge me. I am proud of you an all you have overcome in these past almost 11 months and I can only imagine how much you will overcome and accomplish many years down the road. You teach me every day, you make me smile and you are worth it all!

I really hope this post has not come out insensitive or whiney or negative to any of you. I certainly didn't mean it that way. I think it may be a way for me to vent, to let my emotions work themselves out. I am thankful that Parker has not had some of the challenges he could have and I certainly do not want to make those who do think I have it worse, I know I don't!

Just a reminder, our March of Dimes walk is this Sunday, there is still time to donate! Click the purple box on the right side bar to donate!!!

*P-town is turning into Parker's newest nickname thanks to my friend Amber! I have been saying it more and more recently!

Now What...???

Normally I wouldn't post anything on a Sunday - maybe I would do a Sunday Sabbath post with pictures, but today I am posting something. I just need to "let it out" as one would say.

We survived our first night home since our scary ordeal with the ER Saturday night. To say the first night home was hard is a complete understatement. I was scared over every little thing Parker did that wasn't normal. Drew had to explain to me on several occasions that the albuterol will make him breath faster because of it being a steroid. That would explain a lot. Thankfully, Parker is doing so well that he has only needed his puffs every 6 hours - which is much better than the once an hour that was basically happening at the hospital. PRAISE GOD!!!! I am learning the difference between wheezing and Parker excitement breathing (they are almost the same!) Which is very helpful as well.

Right now, we are keeping him confined to his bedroom. When we got home last night, the cat was automatically put in our bedroom and has been there since. She doesn't understand why, but I kept telling her, she did nothing wrong, but we have to protect her baby brother until we can find her a new place to stay or until May when her grandparents can take her back to New York! Anyways, Parker's room is the cleanest in the house and the room with the least amount of cat hair. We got home and did as best of a deep clean as we could - we did a lengthly vacuum and dusted like mad men! We plan to get a nice air purifier for his room (well for most of the house!) and do our best to keep his room the least allergen filled.

Once we get our state tax return - we are getting a Dyson!!!! We also plan to, like I said, get air purifiers, some good cleaning solutions, lots of hand sanitizer and really step up in our effort to be more cleanly. Now, we are by no means dirty people, but our house isn't immaculate either!

I know it sounds like we are going crazy - but if these actions can help make things less hard on his little body, I am all for them! I don't want a repeat of what happened Saturday night...It was super scary and emotionally and physically draining! I don't wish it on anyone. I am thankful we got him to the ER when we did...it could have been much worse, but I also don't want to put him at risk for anything getting more severe.

Emotionally....I am so drained. I haven't cried so much in a long time. Every breathing treatment pretty much inspired streams of tears, especially the first few at the hospital when he would scream and look into your eyes as if to say, why are you doing this. I barely slept at all while there. I was too into helping Parker. and when I did sleep, it was either in a recliner, a hard chair or the floor. To go from one day everything being ok and now, having to be careful with allergens and hand washing and cleaning things is so hard. I don't know that I right now can even completely comprehend what happened. I know I repeated my questions alot to the nurses - who, by the way, wanted to steal Parker (he's a charmer even when sick). The nurses we had in the observation unit were so nice and understanding. Praise God for them.

I have to say though...I realize just how much I love my baby boy. I mean, I knew I loved him deeply and unlimitedly, but with everything he went through in the hospital...my love is just gonna burst. I would do anything to help him, make him comfortable and make him not struggle like he was.

**I should note that he also had a virus, which made this all the much worse!**

Anyways, so now I have to learn a new normal. I feel like I did back in August when I first brought Parker home - like I have to learn how to be normal again. I am scared I will miss him needing his treatment. I am scared of a lot, I am scared I can't trust my own instincts...SCARED SCARED SCARED! Somehow though, I know we will be ok. Things will become normal and everyday again. God will protect him. I will learn and life will return to a better place.

Please keep us in your prayers - we have a rather long-ish road ahead of learning how to live and take care of an asthmatic child.

Ok, off to try to rest - I skipped church because 1) I am not ready to have parker out and about quite yet and 2) I am so dang tired!

Bummer

Can you all take the time to pray for us? Today my hubby's car broke down (for the umpteenth million time in 2.5 months) and I was driving it. I was attempting to merge from a entrance ramp that merges into the middle lane of an interstate...I got as far over as I could, but I wasn't quite past the cement block thingy so it basically got really bad. I had a panic attack and called 911 for a cop to come because I don't know the police number and was too messed up to try to find it. The guy on the other side of the call was great. He stayed on the phone with me some to help me calm down and said someone would be there soon. Drew quickly showed up and I ran to where he was (up the interstate some - talk about fun!) He ran back to his car and stayed until the cop and AAA came. The cop helped him get completely over onto the shoulder all the way. I think my panic attack came from the fact that people were honking and flipping me off. Like I could do something more. I did the best I freaking could.

Anyways - so we don't know if we can afford to fix it, if it can be fixed. Chances are it may just be better to get a new one...we don't know. But regardless, we don't have the money to fix it or the money to get a new one and the one I drive isn't exactly the greatest car and keeps over heating. I don't mind sharing a car, but if we do and I need it, it will make like difficult since Drew works clear across town. We are up the creek with a very limpy paddle.

Basically we are in a very sucky situation...and aren't sure what to do. Please please pray for us.

Thanks...

Writer's Workshop: Losing my mind!

Top Ten Things Swirling in my Head:

1) Where is my W2? I called my former boss in January to make sure she had my new addressed. She faxed payroll and yet no W2...now I get to wait for payroll to call...this stinks.

2) Why are people so mean? I am the follower of an amazing blog that for whatever reason is coming under scrutiny by people. Questioning this family's motives and being REALLY rude in the process.

3) When is this dang cold, snow and ice going to go away? I am SICK of it.

4) When will Parker finally sit up on his own, without some support? He does well for 10 seconds and then falls.

5) When can I get more money to go out and buy a couple of things at the flower factory? I want to get a new thing to hang on our front door...a welcome sign, but I need money first.

6) Weird dreams - I keep having very weird dreams. Tuesday night I had one where I was dating Michael Phelps and attempting to help him break his pot habit...he went psycho and tried to kidnap me while my friends (the seeds) took Parker. And then last night, I had one where I was in cambodia and wanted to go see the orphanage, but I was there for a safari and then some army guy tried to shoot me, but shot himself. It was really weird. I think I need some mental help or something.

7) Mommy Guilt - I am enjoying my book (not the side of my blog!) and I am learning a lot as I do read this book. Yet, I still feel guilty!

8) Toddler Room Stuff - I am developing structure and curriculum for the toddler room at church (and LOVING it) but am struggling with the lesson telling. I was planning to just do it the way I had seen at a Ministry conference workshop, but the more I think about it, the less I like that idea and want to do a puppet. Like a bear - Bobby Bear from the Vista Mountains. Have him help tell each weeks lesson, I think the kids would get a kick out of it and want to listen more. I just have to figure it out and see what my hire-ups think ( ore or less, do they think it would work!) I really like the idea!

9) Pregnancy - I want more kids, I do, but I am terrified of having the same issues I did the last time. At this point, I have zero desire to be pregnant again, but I keep thinking what if I get pregnant even though I am doing everything not to get pregnant. How would I handle that. I seriously don't think I would be happy about it at first. But then again, I shouldn't worry about it at all. Me and my worrying.

10) Valentines Day - Where should Drew and I eat? What should I get him? Why do we celebrate this holiday anyway? And for that matter, why do we celebrate Groundhog's Day? It's not like they have super powers or anything. And when is it Christmas again?

Your Turn, below are the prompts, choose one, or two, or all, writer up your post and head over to Mama Kat's Blog and leave your name under Mr. Linky!

The Prompts:

1.) Tell us about a lie you told that you later regretted.

2.) Choose a task you'd like someone to complete and write a poem asking them to do it.
3.) Describe a talent you have.

4.) Write a list of ten things on your mind this week.


:)

Writer's Workshop

It is time, once again for MamaKat's writer's workshop! Today's prompts are:
The Prompts:

1.) Describe a New Year's where you would have been better off just staying home.
2.) What do you do that drives your mother crazy?

3.) Share your favorite gluten free recipe (hey, so what if I rig the topics to suit my life...)

4.) Close out 2008 with your own TOP 10 list!

Stop by her site for all the rules!!!

Top 10 Things I Learned in 08
(these do not relate to Parker/birth/pregnancy)

10. I make one heck of a turkey!
9. I learned that I should not attempt to open a bottle of wine! (Then again, maybe it was because it was the first time I had!)
8. I am stronger than I give myself credit for.
7. I can shop on a budget!
6. Aldi's was made for me!
5. I am addicted to made for tv movies (Hallmark and Lifetime anyone!?)
4. I am in love with blogger! I should have started a blog like this forever ago. Blogger rocks...no more xanga for me (well except to read those who still have it!)
3. I am addicted to blogging, reading other blogs, and doing things like writer workshop
2. Never put your milk in the back of the fridge (it freezes - or at least it did for me!)

And the number 1 thing I learned in 08, not related to Parker is.........
God is and will always be good!

Top 10 Things I Learned in 08
(these ARE related to Parker/birth/pregnancy)

10. I still hate hospitals!
9. Even if you have needles stuck in you every three to four hours for 5 days....NEEDLES STILL SUCK and hurt and I still want to gag when I see them.
8. Sure, that porcelain throne in the restroom looks all shiny and fun, but it is, in fact, not fun to have to stare into the bowl of it over and over and over!
7. God gave us doctors for a reason...and they care about me and my son...that's cool.
6. I am not alone in having a preemie and I am so fortunate to have made many friends who understand this battle!
5. More comes out then what goes in...seriously....how does one kid eat SO much and still have 4 times that amount come out. Of course, that could also be related to his reflux...well no, cuz it doesn't come out the bottom end like that :/
4. I love pregnancy clothes, seriously, they are stinking comfy!
3. Babies should REALLY come with manuals. (especially when you start solids...)
2. Parker has the best daddy in the world.

And the number 1 thing I learned in 08 related to Parker

I am SO blessed. I have an amazing son who means everything to me and I can't believe the amount and kind of love I feel for him.

Now it's your turn, go on over to MamaKat's site and get started. You can pick all or one of the prompts! Enjoy!

Oh and HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! 09 is looking fine!

Quick Parker Update

Well, I ended up having to take Parker in to Dr. D tonight. He decided to projectile vomit all over me and our carpet so I called the Dr back and he wanted to see him right away. We got there, got back and Dr. got to see him. He definitely has a virus of some sort. I guess there is one going around right now, but the Dr. said that really, Parker is doing well considering! He isn't dehydrated and is actually showing good signs of hydration (could of fooled me). Basically we can't really give him anything for this, it just has to run it's course. Of course we still need to watch out for a fever or blood in the stool or vomit, but from what the Dr. can tell, Parker will likely have a couple of hard days and then be ok. He has to be on pedialyte right now since he can't keep formula down, and honestly, he can't keep anything down. But the pedialyte is doing to do a better job of keeping him hydrated.

So just pray for us, especially Parker, that he can get rest and he can beat this icky thing. Oh and it looks like Drew is sick too with same type of issues, just more adult-y. So I have two sick boys and I am sick from worry...like seriously my stomach is in knots.

Thanks, I will keep you all updated!

"Cancer of the Worry"

Thought I would share this with you! It's our christmas card!

**edit** Talked with Dr.'s assistant, he basically said that as long as Parker isn't running a fever, doesn't have bloody stool and is still eating, this should all run it's course. I really hate this, this is so hard, and I am in tears. I can't stop just staring at him and checking on him every few minutes. Please pray for me and him! **end edit**

Ask my husband and he will tell you, that I am the BIGGEST worry wart ever. He tells me all the time that I have "cancer of the worry" and that it is good at flaring up. I am great a conjuring up all sorts of silly things in my head and getting myself convinced of so much. I hate that I do it and I really truly do try not to do it, but boy is it hard to break a habit that just knows me so well.

Should I tell you? Well sure, I supposed I should...my cancer of the worry is flaring its terribly ugly pain in the booty head right now. Actually it has been all week. It all started Monday: Parker had diarrhea all day...it was full blown blow out kind. So many outfits got "stinky" all over them. Tuesday, things were turning around. His "stinky" wasn't runny, but it sure wasn't its normal consistency. Dr. said that there is a bug going around and as long as his "stinky" doesn't turn bloody and he doesn't have a fever, he should be ok. Also, to keep an eye on his eating habits. Well I have been. And he's been normal other than the diarrhea issue. Yesterday he was pretty normal in the "stinky" area, but today, it's back pretty bad. So of course I have myself convinced that he is going to die or something. I don't know, you just get all these "watch out for this" and if "this" happens make sure to call a doctor. (I should note that I am calling the doctor right now to ease my worry!) I mean what are they gonna do, yell at me for calling? See that's another thing, I convince myself that the doctor is going to think that I am a worry wart too and not want to talk to me ever again!

What is with my worry-wartness? (What a terrible word!) I am sick of being such a hypochondriac, ok so maybe I am not actually one, but would that explain my constant worry? I just want to do what's best for Parker and I want to be a good parent and keep up with him and his health. I don't want to worry, I don't like to worry, believe me, it's way too stressful! I just can't seem to shake it and it's been so much worse since Parker's birth. I don't know if it is because he is a preemie or if it's a normal mom reaction. But everything worries me when it comes to Parker. I really just want to be a great mom and be there for him. I don't want to let him down. I deal with feeling that when I think about his birth and being sick, I can't deal with more mommy guilt. It's just going to make me sick and frustrated and depressed.

Ok, so I think I am going to pray now...mind if I do it on here with all of you? No, well good, and if you said yes, then tough cookies!
God, I really need some peace right now. I am all worked up and worried about Parker and I just want to do what's best for him. Lord, help my conquer this crazy "cancer of the worry" that I have and help me trust you more. Lord, be with my little man, heal his body if he is sick and help him to not get even more sick. God, I just really love you and I love this baby you gave me and I want to do what is best for him. God, I love you, thank you so much for what you have given me! Amen!

There I am better now. Well, kind of anyways. Please continue to keep Kayleigh Freeman in your prayers. She is battling hard and doing her best.

Happy Thanksgiving, I am so Thankful!

I got this at LolCats!

(I apologize ahead of time for my horrible grammer and punctuation...I was writing this through tears of joy and a very messy mind of clutter!)

Well friends, first of all, I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving and that you have a ton to be thankful for!

As for me, I am so thankful for so many things this year.

1) First, that my son, while born early, is healthy and happy and home and handsome and perfect and mine, all mine! I will never fully understand (and I may never fully accept!) why my pregnancy ended so suddenly and why my son was born 11 weeks early. But when I hold him and he smiles at me, it doesn't matter. He is the most amazing thing ever, he has seriously changed my life, for the best. Through out the 69 days in the hospital, I don't know how many times I lost it, but looking at that amazing face, those beautiful blue eyes and eyelashes that go on for a million miles, it didn't matter. To think that God created that little man, inside me and gives me the daily strength to love him and be the best mommy I can be. Even if I am down, or upset or frustrated or just need an hour away. Parker is my light, my life, my love and I can't wait to see what this next year has in store!
2) For my husband, who was there for me in May, spent every night in my room, spent countless hours loving on Parker when I couldn't, held my hand when I would cry, loved me unconditionally and reminds me everyday I am worth it and beautiful. Sure we may fight, or get frustrated, but at the end of the day, I always know I can count on him. He never lets me down (well not on purpose) and he just makes me so happy. Thank you baby for loving me!
3) For having a Savior and heavenly Father who are always there for me and even when I may be upset and get mad, I know they love me, no strings attached. My faith has grown a ton this year and I have learned to rely on him. I am learning that he will take care of me and honestly, I am so sad that it took me 25 years to get to this point! But I am thankful that God never gives up on me.
4) For a church family who means the world to me. Those in my life group who have helped me and encouraged me. For those who provided me with food during the recoop. time after my c-section, rides to and from the hospital. To the food provided during the first two weeks Parker was home and I was losing my mind. For those who love me, no strings attached and who make me feel special. I can't even begin to express how fortunate I am to be in a church that makes me so happy. I can wake up in the worst mood, not even want to go to church, and by the time I am half way to the nursery, I am so happy. I just love my church, my church family and how much I feel loved and cared for.
5) I am thankful for my family, even if we don't always get along. I am loved tremendously and that is more important. I am thankful for my parents, grandparents and my siblings.
6) I am thankful for all my friends....every one of them. Each one holds a special place in my heart, and I love all of our inside jokes. I am thankful for my friend Jennielle who is hosting Thanksgiving tomorrow!
7) I am thankful that I have a roof over my head, food in the fridge (ok, well, what little is in there that is!), clothes to wear, warmth!
8) I am thankful for the connections I have made through the blogging world. I have some friends that I am glad I met. I am glad and thankful that I can be a testimony in many preemie parent lives.
9) I am BEYOND thankful and grateful for the doctors, nurses, and staff that have helped me with my pregnancy, birth and after that. My OBGYN, is amazing and I am glad that I found Dr. M, she is awesome. I am so thankful for the NICU staff that loved on my baby and helped him out those 69 days. There are many nurses there that I will always have a life long connection with and that I will love dearly. To our primary nurse, Angela, you may not read this, but thank you, For the countless hours you listened to me, hugged me and let me cry and for loving Parker as your own. To other nurses, M, D, K, C, P - thank you. Thank you for those of you who were there when I made the VERY tough decision to not pump anymore and to being there when I was scared! To the doctors who helped parker in the nicu, thank you! To Dr. D our ped. THANK YOU for understanding that I am a nervous mommy and never making me feel stupid! You all have seriously touched our lives and I look forward to PArker getting to know you all! To Nurse Mary, who held my hand as I lay on the operating table and who said the words I will never forget before my c-section, thank you! You're words comforted me!
10) I am just so thankful.

Would you believe that I am currently bawling? You know, I never wish on anyone the scary experience Parker's birth was, but I am thankful for it (as I said above.) I am so scared it will happen again, but thankfully, right now, i don't need to worry about it! It's so funny how God teaches you, ya know? I am deeply thankful this year for so many things and while it took something as scary as Parker's birth, I will never allow myself to not appreciate it.

God, thank you for all you have taught me this year! You amaze me! - Amen -

A Parker Manuel

Here's my theory, anytime a baby comes out of the belly, it should have a little manuel attached to it, like, instead of them coming out all gunky and gewy and ewwwy and icky, they should come out clean, with a big bow around them (blue for boy and pink for girl, of course!) and in that bow, should be the baby's manuel. Mine of course would be called that "Parker Manuel". And it would give me all the answers I need so I don't lose what little brain I have left.

" Congratulations, you have had your very own Parker! This manuel is designed specifically for him and his needs and all the answers for him! Do not share as your Parker is completely different from any other Parker and will not have the same issues as any other baby! You did great carrying him for "insert amount of time here" and I entrust this child to you for the next "insert amount here"! Again Congratulations! "

Oh how I wish I had one because I am so confused sometimes by this child. Or just things related to him, like for example, at this age (almost 6 months) how often should he be sleeping? What if he is over sleeping or under sleeping? And what about his dry skin, is that ok (actually the doctor and I talked about that on Tuesday). Oh and what about teething, is he or isn't he? Is his poopy allowed to be hard or should it still be soft? If it is hard and he is only on cereal, is that a bad thing? Am I over stimulating him but having Dora on in the background? Boy, I just have so many questions. which sometimes (ok MOST OF THE TIME) leads to me stressing and conjuring up terrible things and this of course leads me to my mommy guilt issues. I can see it now, "Oh no, hard poop....he's really sick!"

Then of course in the manuel would be all the answers I need to solid foods. Mainly, the answers to making my own. I want to do that because I know WIC does not provide baby food, just cereal (anyone else find this silly?) and plus I have always wanted to. (I know of a good book though!) and of course there would be a coupon for free diapers for Parker until he doesn't need them anymore. And there would be a part about how to potty train.

Oh wouldn't it be nice?

Fear, Faith and Prayer

I have always been a fear dwelling beast, in some ways, I think I have always felt at home in Fear-o-topia, but these past couple of days as I have followed the story of Heather Pick , a local news anchor who passed away Friday after lengthly with breast cancer. As I read the story, the interviewees always said that rather than playing the poor sick me card when it resurfaced in 2004, she began really living life and became an advocate for Breast Cancer Awareness. She didn't live in fear, but rather, relished in each new day.

So WHY ON EARTH DON'T I DO THAT.

I mean, it's not like I don't have a huge awesome loving faithful God on my side, right?

And I have been a believer my entire life, so why do I live in fear, fear of heights, death, pain, speaking in public, the list could go on. Fear has seriously crippled me from trying things and enjoying life to it's fullest. I think that this year speaks to how much I have over come personally!

This year has been a true test for me. It began so perfect, the beginning of my first pregnancy, so much to enjoy and look forward too all having my first little one and so much else. May turned everything around, suddenly I was thrust into a world I never knew, a fear I have always had...who knew one pain in my side could turn into the sudden delivery of my baby boy, 11 weeks early. All these fears swept into my head, would he be ok, would I be ok, was this my fault, this is my fault, was a disappointing everyone. i was scared for Parker for those 69 long days in the NICU, every day fostered a new fear, but every day fostered an even bigger hope and stronger faith in God, and I truly learned to let go and let God.

God healed my boy and allowed me to bring him home perfectly healthy. God continues to heal and hold Parker in his hands...

...why then, Oh silly silly Denise, do you fear even as you sit here typing?

I don't know. God has protected Parker and me and Drew, so why am I scared?

I really don't know, but today at church, Pastor Mike was walking about prayer and it hit me, I really need to pray more....I really need to pray even when it seems silly. If nothing else, when I am especially scared, prayer should really help.

I just keep realizing more and more the Power of God, he is bigger than any fear, any mountain, any hurdle, any pain, any suffering, and (president elect) leaders, any thing. God is in control, he loves us and does not delight in our pains and sufferings and struggles, he hurts too! How cool is that?

My God Is Awesome!