Deni's Buffet 'O Thoughts

Hello Peoples!

So so sorry I haven't updated in a few days. Our laptop has enter through the gates of glory into laptop heaven and while yes, we have a desk top, I've been BUSY and can't really use it when Parker's up because it's in our bedroom and he liked to pull out my undies! (Just sayin!) So hence, no updates to el blog for a while...

But if you like buffets and all it has to offer than you will LOVE this blog today. It's about as random as random gets...actually maybe not. But it offers a little bit of everything, happy news, sad news, a recipe, Parker news, prayer requests, me being all mature and stuff. So sit back, relax and take a load off while we dive in.

1) Parker News

I think we will start off with this, after all, he's the whole reason you come to this thing isn't he? (I don't blame you!) He's doing Ah-maz-ing. Seriously, except for the whole whiney toddler thing this boy is just getting so stinking big! See, here's a couple pictures as proof...





sorry about the quality, our digital is MIA and so I've been using my iphone! P.S. in the bottom one he found an m&m. Anyways, like I said, he's doing great. He got a second hair cut this week, horribly unemotional compared to his first, but boy was it fun. He sat in the chair like a big boy, flirted and did great! He looks so good now and no more rat tail. He also got kicked out of PT this week. Actually they dismissed him, he's just dandy in the physical department. Right on track. Still has 2 months of ST, but we know he could use a little more time there. He's pushing my buttons EVERY chance he gets and I am working on making days more structured. I am terrible at that! He had his first cold since going on his flovent a month ago and never had any breathing issues. I am so excited that I finally understand his asthma enough now! Praise Jesus!

2) Me Stuff

And now on to the boring things...me. Let's see, I am kinda on a diet, I was gun hoe (is that how you say it?) about it and am struggling. I have successfully switched to diet soda and have limited my intake, so that's good. I am trying to eat smaller portions and healthy, but that can be a challenge. Especially right now (mmmmmm girl scout cookies!) Let's see, Oh I went to a seminar yesterday called Joni & Friends - Raise the Roof. If you don't know the story of Joni Ereckson Tata, at the age of 16 she went swimming, dived intp shallow water and broke her neck. She is quadriplegic. She has her organization that works with disabled children in churches as well as the churches so that they can have disability ministry. Our church is growing and we realize that we need to start looking ahead and getting knowledge on disability ministry so that we can help future visitors feel completely comfortable at our church. And so I was asked to go and I gained some AMAZING knowledge on it. I look forward to helping our church grow.

3) Other Stuff

Faith, the little girl I told you about who was just diagnosed with a brain tumor is holding steady. She and her family certainly need prayers as it's super hard to watch your child suffer, but they are doing their best to enjoy her. She now not only has her caring bridge site, but also her own site here: Help Faith. It's still brand new so there isn't much to it yet, but it's a way to stay connected and donate. PLEASE PRAY FOR THEM!

I came across another family a while ago whose 2 year old is suffering from neuroblastoma and really could meet her father in heaven very soon! My heart breaks for this family, but as I read their updates on both their blog and twitter I am amazed at the faith they have and the strength this little 2 year old is showing. PLEASE PRAY FOR THEM!

One more person I'd like to share with you is Dave Plaster. He is a minister here in Columbus at a local church. He just recently fell very ill and has not been able to be diagnosed. He's currently up at a hospital here in Cleveland, but his prognosis looks very grim. Please pray for him and his family. He's quite a loved pastor, though I don't know him, I've heard great things. You can check updates on here at his site here. PLEASE PRAY FOR HIM.

My goal is to share prayer requests outside of my family as much as possible now. While I certainly love that you pray for us and I am sure you will, there are just so many heart wrenching stories out there and if I can shine a light on a few here or there. I want to. I want this blog to not only be about me, but to share my faith and to show you other's you can be loving towards.

4) Num, Num, Num - A Recipe

Finally for you today I have a recipe of something I made this week that's simple and healthy and will yummy.

Penne with Asparagus & Parmesan

1/2 pound penne
1 tbsp Olive Oil
1 garlic clove - thinly sliced
1 (14.5oz) can of diced tomatoes, with their juice
1/2 cup reduced fat chicken broth
1 lb. asparagus, cut on the diagonal in 1 in. peices
1/2 cup coarsely chopped fresh basil
1/4 cup grated parmesan cheese

1) Bring a large pot of water to boil. Cook the penne according to package directions, drain and keep warm in pot.
2) Meanwhile, heat the oil in a large skillet over medium-low heat. Add the garlic, cook just until it begins to turn golden. Add the tomatoes and broth and bring to boil. Reduce the heat and simmer, uncovered, 5 minutes. Add the asparagus, cover and simmer until tender about 5 minutes longer; pour over the penne. Add the basil and Parmesan cheese, to to coat.

Super simple and if you are on weight watchers it's from one of their books and is 6 points. This make 4 servings btw!

I'm done with my buffet, have a great day!

Struggles Shmuggles

I am so frustrated right now and I just want to take evil and his lies and put him in the garbage and throw him away.

Yet....something stops me...

I am letting evil win and I hate that. I HATE it.

Since the conference it seems that satan has been on this mission to ruin everything I learned and make me feel miserable. And I am pretty sure that I am not the only one he's been doing this too. The healing and the strength I got from the conference have helped me to make changes, yet at every friggin' chance he get, satan is hell bent on ruining this healing and strength. And darn it if he isn't really holding me down right now. It's been just over a week since the conference and here I sit, allowing this pathetic little being get into my head with really rather stupid lies.

"She doesn't like you"
"Denise, you don't fit in - don't you see that?"
"Do you really think Parker is that ok, come one, he's tiny...he's never gonna be big, he's gonna get made fun of."
"Your parents don't love you, if they did they'd act like Marsha's parents." (I just made up a name - but I do have specific ones.)
"She is only pretending to be your friend because you have a preemie."
"You are fat, ugly, pathetic and worthless."
"He loves Apple more than you..."
"Winter is here forever...you can't ever go out again...haha...snow forever."

and it goes on and on and on.

I am doing my hardest to combat these lies with truth, but I won't even remotely lie - it's been HARD. Winter is a hard time for me in general. I mean, it's gloomy and cold and wet and snowy and bleck - and when you have depression and are trying so HARD to not give into the "oh, blankie, how I love thee and oh bed, you're my best friend" feeling it's hard. Then add in all the lies coming into play and I lay here and repeat them and hear them over and over and over. And it stinks!

I am reading my Bible more, I am doing my best to bathe in the Word and Truth. I know God won't let me down, I know He is the gold medal winner always (sorry, had to pull in an olympic pun!) I get that, but I also do a great job of building walls up and bad habits up and it irritates me.

I have been a Christian since I was 9 - that's when I accepted Christ and that's when I got baptized, but there are days I feel like a brand new Christian. In college I got really disciplined my freshman year with my bible study and faith and then it all feel apart. I am not sure why or when (though I think I could probably pinpoint was particular incident that just did me in if I tried hard enough) but I stopped. Sure I went to church and things got better and I got into reading my Bible again, but it became a habit of only doing it when I needed it most.

I do that now. On days like today when lies are just flooding my heart and head, I go to the Bible and read and bathe. I feel a bit better, I stop and satan still continues. It's a never ending cycle for me. It angers me that I can't get past this darn hurdle. How do I do that.

I have really in the past few years grown in my faith. Primarily when Parker was born. I mean how could my faith not grow? I am growing daily. I have surrounded myself with friends that build me up and encourage and keep me accountable and who I know genuinely love and care for me. Many I have met since Parker, but I seriously appreciate them and love and care for them. I have stepped out and into uncomfortable places after feeling Gods lead and I have grown immensely from those challenges. I am trying to allow myself to be more open and honest and allow you, my friends, and other friends, to help me and love me, even if I am embarrassed. I am doing the best I can, I REALLY REALLY am.

That's part of why I wrote this post, that's why I can say that God is bigger and HE BEATS EVIL - always. He's my daddy.

I have a long way to go, but I have high hopes that I will learn more and grow more and build stronger disciplines and some day even beable to tell satan to shove it.

Oh my gravy, did I just say that? Oh well, he can sit on a take for all I care!

I loved this therapy session, thanks for listening.

Forever Changed

"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever!' Eph. 3:20-21

I am a masterpiece - God's masterpiece.

This weekend my church sponsored a conference at a local hotel. The main speaker - my darling and super awesome pastor's wife Tammy Smith. She is just the best. I mean, besides that fact that she's quite the inspirational and honest speaker, she is so funny and lively and just someone you must be around. She infects you - in a good way. She's written 3 books. I am currently reading Soul Healing...because well I need it. She is also a counselor and she happens to sing really well too!

The conference was called Forever Changed. And boy did I walk away feeling that way. It's funny how you can get so much from a conference that really is only a day (fri, night and sat through the afternoon.) It was a ton of info and all super important and I am still attempting to process through it all. I truly don't know if I could adequately explain everything that Tammy and others talked about, but I can tell you this...I now see so many things differently.

I came home Saturday night and had realized these things (among many):
1) God Loves me so much, so so much and it is a never ending love.
2) I. Am. Forgiven...for my past, present and FUTURE sins...all of them...
3) God wants to Bless me - but I have to lean in and say yes.
4) satan seeks to destroy me and lie to me EVERY SINGLE DAY....
5) satan is a pathetic little man behind a curtain when you really thing about it...and in the end, HE LOSES.
6) I need to saturate myself in the Word...

There are about 20 other things I learned but these are really the top six that I struggle with daily and that actually shape my life.

I have a lot to heal from in my past...some stuff that actually makes me live the way I do today and I have this huge desire to do that and change the way I live. And the great thing is that I was actually given "tools" to use to go and do that during this conference.

I have a long way to go...but boy do I feel different and ready.

I am so glad I was forever changed! Truly!

A New Outlook

To say that I have a lot of bitterness built up inside about Parker's birth would be an understatement. For as much as I consider myself "over it" and moved past it, I still harbor a lot of anger that his birth happened the way it did. I know, to you, it seems kind of pathetic that I would harbor these feelings, but I think there may always be a part of me that is a little upset with God "allowing" this. I am human after all and I do hurt and I am not perfect.

However - I am starting to get a whole new outlook about it. Was it easy? Um NO! Was it fun? Ha - right. Would I want it to happen again? Nope But the reality is it could. I am at risk, but a maybe slightly lower risk. But I do have a new outlook - it was a lesson in putting full trust in God that I will never forget. I had to let go and let God control the situation. There was simply nothing more that I could do. I had to let go and trust that God would be with those doctors as they took my son out of me and whisked him to the NICU. I had to let go and trust God to give the appropriate knowledge to the Neonatologist, doctors and nurses that worked on Parker and took care of him in the NICU. It wasn't easy. Especially once I was able to see him. I wanted to wrap him up in my arms and hold him forever...be his protector, his doctor, his nurse, his everything, but I couldn't. Besides the fact that I don't have the degree or the knowledge needed, I had to heal myself.

There's been this empty time in my head since Parker's birth. I can remember VERY clearly up to when they gave me the anesthesia. I remember very clearly that last things I heard before I feel into a deep sleep - "I will be here with you the whole time." A nurse named Mary said as she held my hand and I drifted to sleep. I remember hearing voices while in the ICU, but I don't really remember seeing people until my in-laws go there later Thursday evening. There's a few hours that I will probably never know about. The one thing I always wanted to know was what happened during my c-section. Did Parker come out crying, limp, ect? What would it have been like had I not been under general anesthesia? I do know Parker came out crying and kicking - a ton. My OB/GYN has answered that one. He was a little fighter from the get-go. But what about the rest of those unanswered questions? I don't think I will ever know 100% what it was like in the operating room. Drew wasn't in there so he can't answer that for me...but I did have a small glimpse.

On Jan 31, there was a special on TLC. It was called "Special Duggar Delivery" and it was about the birth of their 19th child, miss Josie Brooklyn. She came at 26 weeks and was a 1lb 6oz miracle. You may not like them or agree with their lifestyle, I don't always agree with their views, but for me, to start a total healing process I had to watch this episode. I DVRd it and waited until I had the time to watch it, no interruptions, me allowing myself to feel and watch. I ended up not sleeping well that night and woke up at 2am. I decided to watch it...mostly because I couldn't sleep because I wanted to watch it so bad. I sat and watched it. And let me tell you, it wasn't easy. They showed Michelle's C-section and you know what...it really helped me. I put myself on that operating table and it helped me see kind of what happened during Parker's birth. To see how fast it went, how quickly they got Josie out, how fast they got her to the NICU - I knew in my heart, that's what they did with Parker. And I am thankful for that.

My outlook is changing about this. I will never be thrilled that it happened - who would? But I can learn to look at it now in a positive frame of mind. It strengthened my walk with God, it gave me the most beautiful miracle child, it brought people into my life that I may not have known otherwise, it showed me how a church can love it's members, it showed me that I am way stronger than I give myself credit for. I have been blessed with being able to get to know other preemie parents and helping in their journey. I have learned to really cry out to God. Sure, there are still some negative feelings towards it and to be honest, for as much as I want another child, I am TERRIFIED of this repeating itself. But I know, that God is always here, He will get me through another hard pregnancy if that's what it would be, He knows what's gonna happen in the future, I don't.

I can honestly say, I am thankful that my son was born 11 weeks early. I wouldn't be where I am today if he hadn't been. To look at him now, sitting on the floor, talking to the TV, smiling at me and laughing loudly - it was all worth it. Every single part of this journey has been worth it.

Thank you God for a new outlook!

Asthma and Sitters

Dear Asthma - YOU VACUUM (get it vacuum's suck?) and I STRONGLY DISLIKE YOU! YOU MAKE MY LIFE DIFFICULT and STRESS ME OUT. And I don't even have you!

Since Parker's ER visit on Dec. 21st I am finally starting to see his triggers, namely, this cold weather. He'd been fine, hadn't need any treatments and had been breathing fine since we saw his doctor on Christmas Eve. Then Sunday, boom, it hit. Don't think I didn't try to stop it...I mean, I bundled him up a lot: huge puffy coat (that might weigh more than him), gloves, hat, layers...but no, by the time he woke up from his nap at 4 that afternoon...he needed a treatment. Then he needed another before bed. And I went to bed super frustrated and bitter about the whole thing.

I am trying to learn Park's triggers...and it seems that the cold air outside is one. Which makes sense if you consider he started out with lung issues and the cold air can cause his lungs to be agitated and tighten. So thanks to this realization, I probably won't take him out much at all. At least not until the weather is warmer. He's always been fine when it's in the high 30's and higher, so until we see those days with little wind, we will stay in as much as possible. Don't get me wrong, obviously I will have to take him out at least on Sunday, but I am going to try to do my best to keep the cold air away from him...blanket anyone?

Which leads me to my next predicament. A sitter. I am not going to trust just anyone with my Park, sorry, I can't afford too. Which is making finding a sitter hard. I have plenty of friends who could watch him every now and then, but I would have to take him to them and I'd like to avoid that. I really would need someone that I could call up on a moments notice and be like, "Hey, need to do some grocery shopping, can you come play with Parker?" i don't know whether it would be good to post a craigslist ad for one or not. I feel like an employer, I want references and I want them to be CPR and First Aid certified. I want them to have experience and feel comfortable with a child who likely has asthma and who is my everything. Is this too much to ask? I don't want to sound harsh though... or no one will be interested. So what do you think, should I put up an ad and make sure that those interested know that I am going to be a bit picky in whom I choose.

Also, what's a good rate for a sitter? I haven't a clue on how much I should pay them. It's only going to be a few days a month and 2-3 hours those days. I hate this. I wish it were easier.

Advice would be appreciated on this...I have no clue how to handle finding a sitter and figuring pay and knowing what to ask those who are interested....

Journal Journey Wednesday (pt.2 & 3)

***Just so everyone knows, this one will be a bit longer since last week I totally had a brain fart and didn't post! Enjoy - though if you don't read it all - I understand!***

June 14, 2008

"There are days I miss being pregnant. It kind of hurts to know that I'll never have that big belly, the inside out belly button, labor pains, or a vaginal birth experience. I think I really need to mourn this reality - so I can move on and focus primarily on Parker. I need to go home and pack up my maternity clothes - it's hard to walk in my closet and see them hanging there. I also am gonna get rid of my pregnancy books, just seeing them makes me sad."

June 15, 2008

"Happy Daddy's Day!!! Great news, Parker is off CPAP! His numbers are staying up great right now. He has had a couple of brady's but bounces back quickly"

June 16, 2008

"Went to church last night and boy am I glad! I really needed it. I didn't feel bombarded with people or questions, though I talked to so many! I enjoyed the message too! It was about outreach, which is weighing on my heart. Being here in the NICU I feel that I have a lot of opportunity to reach out to others, but I just don't know how to approach them."

June 17, 2008

"Today has been an incredibly hard day...I am so ticked right now - I am pretty sure that I have the worlds worst nurse. She is very unpersonable and has been short with us all morning. It doesn't help because today has started out totally cruddy. I got a call from Dr. W. at 7:30 this morning. Parker had had a rough night. They put him on oxygen and took an xray of his chest and belly. This showed something in his bowel, which could be a possible infection. They have suspended his feeds until they find out what's going on. They even drew blood and put him back on an IV...

(Later that day)
"At this point they don't think it's an infection, but they are waiting on cultures, which will take a couple of days. He will be staying on his nasal cannula. I was reading Marla's book just now and came across this quote:'Our little ones are resilient and forgiving. Our God is a God of grace. These experiences keep us humble and remind us of our need for a Savior. And those angels are always on duty.' Oh how I needed that today."

(Even later that day...)
"This whole thing is frustrating me. I mean besides my growing PPD; I am watching my child struggle. It feels like he takes 4 steps forward and 15 steps back. i feel like we are gonna be in this NICU FOREVER. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I feel my hope just slowly fading away. I see no light at the end of the tunnel. I am doing my best to fully rely on God and trust that He is handling this situation. I really just want to scream out to God. Or maybe even scream at Him. Is it even ok that I am angry? Because I am so angry. I truly do not understand why I am finding myself in this situation. I feel like I am being punished or something. But, yet, I know deep down I am not. The hardest thing is to meet other children and see them thriving when Parker is having all these issues. I keep playing the comparison game. I look over at L and think 'well he's been off Cpap for a couple weeks and is doing well. Parker not so much.' But Parker is not L, nor is he B or anyone else, he's Parker. This is how Parker is, this is his life and his set of challenges - this is what will make him stronger and make him who he is as Parker. It doesn't make it any easier to watch him struggle though..."



It kind almost cracks me up to read these now. Mostly because of my horrible grammar and punctuation. I can look back now at this set of entries and clearly see what God was doing. He grew my so much during that time. I have since learned to lean on Him and trust Him and His will. That hard day I was having on June 17th just shows this to me. At the time, I didn't think I could make it through. I was angry with the rude nurse, scared for Parker, depressed, angry with God, wanting to scream....and now I look at it and clearly see God's leading and His lessons. I won't lie, there are a lot of times now that I struggle to trust, but I have grown to know that that's all I can do at times. And I see what this trusting can do. I trusted God with Parker's allergy tests and they came back mostly great!

God is good and he has a plan for Parker...who knew? - Oh He did!

When Life Hands You Lemons...

...make lemonade.

Easier said then done if you ask me!

I have been thinking a lot recently. Thinking be a good thing for me or a bad thing. But recently, it's been a good thing - or at least I would like to believe it has been. I have been thinking a lot about things in my life that have shaped me into who I am today. My life has been far from easy and while I don't remember much from when I was young, I can remember the first moment I realized life is so not fair all the time.

Easter 1998 -
Oh man, I remember this like it was yesterday. i walked into to church that morning to a very somber and sad mood. I was met at the door by one of our elders, who went on to tell me that Pastor Danny has passed away suddenly that morning while preparing to get into costume for our sunrise service. I remember my heart sinking into my chest - Pastor Danny and his wife Marilyn were like another set of parents to me. I had promised Pastor Danny that I would be going to church camp that summer with him and others from church as a jr. counselor. I couldn't understand why this had happened - as far as I knew, he was perfectly healthy and was rather young - but God needed him. I can remember feeling so cheated when he passed away. But looking back I have learned a lot from that experience - I never once took another person for granted. I attempt to live my life to make Danny proud - I want him to be looking down on me saying, "Denise, I am so proud of you!" Of course I want to make family and friends proud too, but for some reason, his approval is so important to me. Also, I got a lot closer to Marilyn after his death. Because I really struggled with it and turned to her a lot to just talk...that closeness would be the reason why I got through so many other hard things in my life.

2000 -
My parents divorced in 2000. I won't go into all the messy details, but lets just say it was an incredibly hard time for my family. My mom made some lousy decisions - which lead to the separation - which lead to my dad becoming very depressed and making the decision to try suicide. When that happened - I went and stayed with Marilyn for a while. I was angry at my mom, scared for my dad and did not want to be at home at all. Marilyn really helped me through that time - she became like a mom to me. I felt like I could only talk to her - my anger towards my mom and the hurt over my dad just was too much to talk to them. Both my parents are remarried now and happy - and I have rebuilt my relationship with my mom - but I can definitely understand what I learned out of this - I will not get divorced. I will not repeat any poor decisions made by either of my parents, I will enjoy my marriage, be open, honest and communicate. I feel like my marriage is as strong as it is because of what I learned from my parents divorce. I also believe it is strong because God is the center of our marriage and church and following Him is a top priority.

Oct. 6 2001 -
Where do I even begin with this one? Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes and my heart just sank in my chest. This was the day that I lost my best friend and to this day, I still hurt about it. *Tay (name changed for certain reasons) did not have the easiest of lives. She moved to Warsaw to live with a family in my church - her foster parents. I don't remember us really hitting it off, though we may have, but I do remember that we did end up with an amazing friendship. This girl was seriously one of my best friends. I could tell her anything, we had so many inside jokes that even today I chuckle at times thinking about how she would respond. She really helped my though my parent's divorce too, she was there for me to talk to and enjoy time with. But then she started dating someone and I got mad, jealous and in my stupid high school mind decided it would be good to pick a fight - STUPID idea. We stopped talking, avoided each other - for well over 6 months. Some how - and I still don't remember how - we started talking again. The summer of 01 before I went to college, we served at church camp as counselors together for 4th grade week and we were mostly back to our old ways. We didn't talk much, college had me busy and her schedule at school was pretty busy as well. I went home on Oct. 5 for a quick overnight trip and has just gotten back to college when a call came from Marilyn (she worked at the college I attended) telling me to call her immediately. I called her and she came to my dorm and met me in the common room to give me the news. Tay had been in a car accident - and had went to be with our Lord. To say I was devastated would be a complete understatement. She was only 17, just started her senior year - it was SO UNFAIR. We had finally gotten our friendship back and she was gone. I miss her, so much, she'd love Parker. Through all of that though, I learned to enjoy my friendships even more. I have never picked a fight again - I'd like to think of Tay as a guardian angel. She is one of two pictures I have on my visor in my car - the other - my miracle boy.

May 29, 2008 -
Well, we all know what happened here.

I guess I share this with you to tell you that I have learned a lot. My faith in God has grown in the past 11 years - and while there are many things I have left out, I can honestly say that I have learned so much and I do my best to live life to the fullest and fully rely on God. Lessons I have learned through just these 4 incidents I shared and many more I haven't, I have done my best to grow out of them.

I feel strong and loved and like I have so much to offer.

So, when life hands you lemons (whatever they are) do your best to grow out of those lemons. Make lemonade - or lemon shake ups. God knows what he's doing, even if we don't get it. It's not really our place to get it, God asks us to trust and have faith and we should do that.

God's good, even in all the hard stuff.

I'm Back :)

Hello Friends,

Thank you so much for your understanding and patience with me as I took some time away from blogging to just be! To be quite honest with you, I took a break for many reasons - 1) I felt the need to focus on my family - 2) I felt completely uninspired and had zero desire to blog - 3) I needed the time to pray about some things...

But I am feeling refreshed, inspired, and ready to be back to blogging. Maybe not daily, but more often and about more things!

And now for some updates!

- Parker is doing so well! He is just a little ball of fun and fire. He is learning more and more and wanting to walk more, but still chickening out at times. He has really started eating more and more food. He will continue to get a bottle of formula until at least october. To be honest, his growth and size is still behind and small. Yes, he is growing, but he isn't really catching up with the curve of an actual 14 month old. He is still learning to walk - he does great when holding on to things...if he could hold on to stuff all the time, he would walk very very well. The problem is when he lets go - he realizes there's nothing there to grab to and automatically falls. It's cute! He loves cartoons and he is a little blabber boy. He says mama and some times dada and random other noises. He has learned to climb on the couch by himself and does it often (it's the getting down that we have problems with). This month, we are working on eating table food better and using a cup. He still thinks a cup is a toy - but I am hoping he will be able to use one by the time we go on vacation in september. Also, yesterday was Parker's first day in the crawlers - walkers class at church. It's weird that he isn't in the nursery anymore! But so exciting that he gets to be with kids his own age!

- I am still planning on going to Cambodia. In fact, that's a lot of what I prayed about. God is leading me there and I feel his hand on it. I know now it's not just my desire, but it is in fact God really doing this in my heart! I am nervous about raising the money to go though. I am working on a sponsor list currently to send out in the next couple of months to start working on raising the funds, even though I wouldn't go until 2010. If you are interested in sponsoring me, leave a comment and I will get back to you for your info.
I am really preparing myself to, I have borrowed a lot of books from the library and a couple of movies. I watched one recently - "The Killing Fields" - wow. I mean just wow! It really helped me to understand what this country has been through. I am sure once I am there and such, it will really hit me.

- Life in general is good. We just resigned our lease - which is exciting considering we've lived here 3 years and in 3 places! It's nice to be staying and not having to relocate again! I am going to be a working woman soon - which is such an answer to prayers. I can't really go into much detail quite yet, but it's a job that doesn't require many hours and it will help bring in a little extra cash. We are also planning on getting a new car. We've had it with our Bonneville and the constant issues. We are putting way to much money into considering how much it's worth (which is like nothing). So starting today, we are going to be looking at new cars - we have a small list of cars we want to look at and test drive. I'm pretty excited because this new car would be mine and I would like something a bit bigger than our PT Cruiser. So pray that we are able to find something that fits us well and our needs. We don't plan to purchase today, but we want to be looking and starting to really weigh our options.

- Some exciting things are coming up soon. This Wed. is the 1 year anniversary of bringing Parker home from the hospital. Thursday is our 4 year anniversary. Next wed is the 1 year "adjusted age" birthday of Parker. So much to celebrate in August! And in September - we go on vacation to Buffalo, NY to see Drew's parents and such. So excited!

Well, I hope you all are well! I am so glad to be back!

Just Stuff

- First of all, I have to tell you all that Parker took his first step on Friday! I was sitting on the floor while he was playing and I picked him up and stood him up a few inches from me. (He can stand on his own without holding on to things) Next thing I know, he picks up his foot and takes a step forward and immediately falls into my arms. It was awesome! Yay bubba!

- I need prayer - I am praying about a few things - 1) Going to Cambodia: I am planning on doing it, I just need prayer to bring me to peace about being overseas, in a new country, several hours flying, being away from Drew and Parker. ANXIETY anyone? and 2) Prayer for getting in better shape. When I do go to Cambodia (thinking Feb?) I would like to be in better shape so that I am not killed by the heat and the activity. I already do mommies and munchkins 2 times a week, I want to start going out and walking on my own. Now that I have my iphone, I can use it as an ipod and I had Drew put a couple of playlists on it for me that will motivate me. 3) A Job - while this is no where near official - I know I should start praying now. There may possibly be an opportunity for me to get a part time job with my church - now I am not 100% sure on it...I don't know when it will happen...I don't know if I will be offered. I guess I just want prayer that God would open doors (either at church or other places) because the truth is, we could use an income from me...even if minimal. I am not ready to put Parker in a day care so I hope and pray I can find something that would allow me to bring him with me to work or work from home.

- My Zoo - do you use facebook? Do you know of this application? Oh my gosh, I am addicted to it. You basically build and manage your own zoo. I wish I earned more money faster...I'd like to know how my step sis has 8 million dollars to play with.

- Big Brother - any other fans out there? If there are I will rant later about it, if not, I won't make you read it!

- My week - it's looking like a busy week. I have mommies and munchkins tues, and then a leah sophia party I am hoping to go to. Wed Parker has an in home visit with his Help Me Grow case worker (She didn't lose her job in recent cuts PTL), Thursday we have a WIC appointment, then that night we are attending a dessert thing in which we will get to talk to Jen, our missionary in Cambodia that is currently home on furlough. Friday I am going to go to a local preschool concert thing with some friends!

- Apologies - I am sorry I have been lacking in updates - the truth is I feel like I am in a rut. But, I am hoping now that my moodiness and depression are under control I will be able to focus and write more frequently.

Thank You!

God is so good!

First of all, to anyone who read this and prayed (you know who you are) - THANK YOU!

I know it seems silly, but sometimes I simply need the reminder that I am Parker's mommy for a reason!

God has worked out some of the knots in my soul that were there last night, granted - I still feel pretty lousy, but I know I am not alone, I know I am a good mom (even if Parker just totally cut his arm on the side of our bookcase - builds character right?) I can't protect him 100% of the time. I know that. I also know that I do what he needs me too - even if I doubt myself. It's lies! Satan knows how to get in and just spread icky seeds everywhere.

I realized something today. I have family here in Columbus (and spread out everywhere). No, we aren't blood related, but I do have family here. i love them all! Each one brings something extra to the table and each one holds a special place in my heart. I am so fortunate to have a HUGE extended Christian family. They are amazing, gifted and totally awesome! One of my family members - Crissy, she's like the big sister who's older and wiser than I, she was awesome today. Parker had a meltdown today, very unusual for him, and ended up being in the service with me. I sat with Crissy and her family and when he started acting up, she let me stay in service while she took him in the hallway! it was great to not have to do it myself and get a break for once. Another friend Marla, wrote me the sweetest note, I read it when I got home, tears streaming down my face (even if it was few words!) I just REALLY needed it.

I have to admit, I am very much a word of affirmation person. I don't know if I didn't get enough support and praise growing up, but something that REALLY feeds my soul is getting those words of affirmation/encouragement. Sometimes, all I need is words - it is I think my top Love Language!

I am better today! Much better. My soul is hurting and I am running low on happy, but I am getting there. God is giving me outlets, friends, songs, just really speaking to me right now.

Tomorrow, I am calling my Dr. back about my anti-depressant, as I know I need it right now. I need to seek some counseling too.

Things are looking up -

Moving on to a couple random things.
- I get my iphone tonight! Drew upgraded his, so I get his old one! Oh yah, I am excited.
- Billy Mays died - seriously, is there something in the hollywood water or something?
- Busy week ahead - my in laws will be here Thurs - Sunday. Super fun though.

ok, that's it! Enjoy the rest of your "Rest" day - Sunday!

Please don't go...

As most of you know, or maybe not, we live in an apartment. Our hope is that by doing this we will save money and be able to get a house and not stress over the money part. Anyways, I love our apartment - it has a lot of young families in it, unlike our last one we are not the minority. It's in a great part of town, very quiet - our back yard is a wetlands, our neighbors are a golf course and a church. There are nice condo's and a neighborhood across the street...it's an ideal local. So what is the problem you ask?

The problem is that a lot of neighbors with young kids are leaving and moving out. There isn't anything wrong with that persay - the problem is, annoying people keep moving in. Our once quiet area is becoming a little louder. Again - not that that's a huge problem, but when you already have neighbors that share your wall and they scream, yell and slam doors at all hours, yah not fun.

It's sad to me that now that it's summer and Parker can actually be out, all those neighbors that had kids his age are leaving and being replaced by people who seem to not understand they are living at an apartment and some level of respect for others should be made.

I am really praying right now that God brings some more newer younger families in to these empty apartments so that we can connect with them. It's hard to connect with someone and then a few months later, they are gone. Makes me sad.

Maybe I am over reacting or over stressing, but I want Parker to have friends that he can (eventually) just go out and play with.

I will say that most of our neighbors, even though they may not have kids, are great. Though we don't know them all, we enjoy saying hi to them on occasion and being able to just walk around our complex. It's the few that seem to think this is a place to be as loud as you want bother me. There are just some people who really shouldn't live in apartments.

It just bums me out. Oh well, I know God is good and will give us friends here that we can get to know. It's just a matter of when!

Clearing out my head, talking to myself, things like that.

First of all, I am so so excited! Today we went to Babies R Us to find an umbrella stroller for Parker. We don't really need our bigger one anymore and for our vacation in a couple weeks, we want something more compact. So we went in praying we'd find something affordable, durable and decent. We had had one on our registry at one point that was 130 some dollars, but we really wanted to try to keep it under 100 if we could. Well, we did, the stroller we bought ended up being on sale, marked from 139 to 99 and we got 10% off because it was the last one they had! I love it, it's cute and nice and totally perfect for Parker!

I was just reading some of the reviews on it from the Babies R Us site and I am struck that there are some negative ones. One, I find more funny and complain-y then helpful, was a lady saying that she couldn't maneuver it, that the wheels got stuck and she couldn't push it with one hand while holding her child. Maybe hers has some problems, but I pushed Parker around the store in it and I didn't have any issues. Sometimes I wonder about the reviews, ya know? anyway, it's going to be awesome to have something smaller and more compact on our trip!

On to other things:

Speaking of our trip...if May 11 doesn't get here soon, I may go crazy. I just really need to get out of here. Out of this house, this city, this state; away from bills, and laundry, and my cat, and grocery lists and negativity. I need a break so bad. My patience is worn thin, I am about to fall in to a quick sand of anger and frustration and depression. I want to get away, go to Tennessee, meet relatives, take my son to Gatlinburg, hike, get a sun tan, no strike that, knowing me it will be a burn. I am so ready to go, well except that I have like no summer clothes that fit me. Need to find some shorts or something. I have my packing list all ready, I have Parker's stroller, just need to get his new car seat. If May 11 doesn't come soon....oh boy am I in trouble.

I am struggling right now in general. I struggle to enjoy Parker's new found crawling and standing up on things expertise. I thought it was going to be awesome, but I don't know. I think I worry too much. If I didn't worry about every little fall, every little bump or bruise or this stupid H1N1 (which seriously is a dumb name) flu. Why do I worry, I mean really, what's the point in it? I worry about everything, I worry people will judge me and hate me and make fun of me (for what, I don't know!). I worry Parker's little falls will result in a concussion or scrape - a Scrape, big deal right? I worry about Drew, the stress his job is currently causing because of changes that (if you ask me) seem kinda stupid, then again, I am not an Apple employee. I am a worry wart (or as Drew says, I have cancer of the worry!)

I am struggling with my family. I love my family, don't get me wrong, but I really am hurt at times by them. There are certain people in my family that hurt me more than others. Let's just say they are emotionally unavailable. I want to say that I believe they care about me and my family, but at times, I truly wonder. It hurts, to feel like I can't turn to them or that they don't want anything to do with me. In the back of my mind, I know they do care and want to have a relationship, but it's hard to put in the effort when you feel it's all for nothing. I don't know...I just have some deep scars, wounds, seeping boo-boos in this area.

I struggle with my faith and relationship with God. I believe in him 100% - its more about my daily, personal walk with him - or lack there of. I keep telling myself, I am going to start doing daily devotions, read my Bible more, pray, and then I just don't. I am sure if I did have that time, I would feel better. I did decide to get a book from the library, it's called "Ordinary Mom, Extraordinary God" - have any of you read it? It sounds good and maybe it will give me some hope and peace and get me on the write path.

I struggle with personal bubbles. I live in one, I won't lie. (This I think goes back to my fear of rejection and judgement.) I desire so much to put myself out there and get to know other's - especially neighbors. I don't have a play group anymore, which is sad, because it got me out of the house. I want to find something to do. I know one goal of mine is making baby lap time a priority and weekly event. I want to get to know my neighbors here, many have young children and I think it would be nice to be able to just walk over and play. But I am scared too. Most have already existing relationships and I don't want to come in and ruin them.

Sigh....

I just feel heavy and burdened and drained and tired and blah! Very blah! I should go now and work on finishing the lesson for Sunday, especially since Parker is asleep!

Thanks for listening. Sorry I don't have more happy things to post about right now!

Plastic Surgery For Me?!

Before I go any further, I would like to note that this entry is about plastic surgery thoughts and female stuff. So if you are of the male persuasion, I suggest that you stop reading here....lest you be red in the face. Also, another friendly warning, this is a hard subject for me to share, but I am doing it for support and prayers.
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2.) Is plastic surgery an option? Without being vulgar, write about the body part still attached to you that you would most like to dis-attach and replace with a better one.
(writingfix.com)



Ok, are all the men gone? Good! I want to share my thoughts on plastic surgery with all of you. alrighty, here goes:

I am going to be flat out honest here - I HATE MY CHEST. HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT. I do my best to enjoy what God has felt the need to endow me with, but quite honestly, the enjoyment almost always is non-existent. It's really hard to describe to you the pain I feel due to the largeness of my chest. I am not the skinniest person, I have a little extra weight on my body, but by no means do my "girls" match the size of my body. They are much larger than someone my age, height, and weight should be carrying around. They have always been larger than I feel they should be and I am horribly embarrassed by them a lot of the times. I really struggle with self image anyways and then add in there the large chest, it makes it hard for me to enjoy things completely.

When it comes to plastic surgery, I really don't like it when one does it to just do it. I will never understand why people go in to get a larger chest (maybe that's because of the size of mine) or a facelift or other types of implants. I think for medical purposes (i.e. breast reduction, help after an accident, ect.) it is ok. I myself have always considered breast reduction. My back is in constant pain and my chest just makes it hurt. I wanted to wait, though, until I had children because I had planned on breast feeding. Now though, with the struggle I had with even producing milk and not knowing if I want any more biological children, I am seriously considering having a reduction done. I really feel that if I did, I would be able to enjoy Parker more, life more, myself more.

I am prayerfully considering pursuing this within the next 6 - 12 months. I want to make sure that if I do decide to pursue a reduction, I am doing it for the right reasons. I want to be at total peace about it and as it stands, right now, I am not, I think mainly because I don't have all the details about it and I am scared of having surgery. I keep thinking about what happened with Parker and having to be on a vent and the pain and such and I think those thoughts and fears are really putting a damper on my desire to have a surgery that I believe would help with my quality of life. I also want to make sure that insurance would cover it, that I research this desire enough that I don't get into any trouble.

This would be a huge step for me if I was able to follow through with it, but I don't want to rush into anything. As far as I am concerned, plastic surgery for medical purposes is an option for me, but for recreation purposes, not so much. I have no issues with my face, or the rest of my body (though I would love to lose weight.)


Your turn! Head over to MamaKat's site for all the prompts for her writer's workshop this week. Pick your poison, write up a blog entry and then go back to her site and leave your name and that post under Mr. Linky!

10 Things I Wonder...

Today, I have alot on my mind - mostly things I wonder!

1. How did my baby go from this:


To this:


My baby is 11 months old today, I cannot believe it!

2. How do I not lose my mind now that my little man is crawling everywhere and pulling up on everything?

3. Why does Parker always seem to find the hardest surface to pull up on? And how many times can he fall and bump his head before the kid gets a concussion or something?

4. How afraid should I be of the swine flu?

5. Does Jack Hanna live in Columbus since he is our zoo director?

6. Should I go to the library today?

7. Is my son going to say "kitty" before he says "mama"?

8. How do I not over pack for our Tennessee Trip? I don't want to go overboard, but I also don't want to forget anything since we will be gone for a week.

9. Why did I just call my cat Parker?

10. Why do I love blogging so much?

The Preemie Reality

Have you ever had one of those days where things are going great and then all of the sudden one thing changes your mood? Yah, well, me too, and that was my Friday.

Friday I got a call from P-town's* occupational therapist. She is a sweet lady and has been following Parker's development since day one! We went in a few weeks ago for his most recent follow up appointment and she was impressed with how well P-town was doing. He was in the average points value for his adjusted age! That's good! But she was concerned with his muscle tone and how he has a tendancy, ok, not a tendancy, but a almost consistent way of tensing his legs and body. Now, don't get me wrong, he can bend his legs, arms, ect, but more often then not, he will tense up while sitting, standing (he does this with support) and such. For example, most babies, when they sit, will sit with their legs bent in some way, Parker automatically puts his straight out and tenses them. Anyways, like I said I got a call from "K" friday, she was reviewing his file and writing his letter to Dr. D and to "S" our Help Me Grow case worker. She said that she wants him to be evaluated and start some physical therapy for a few months. It's really to help with his tone, but when I heard that, I became negative Nancy and worrisome Wanda and now I am in a mood.

For whatever reason, I can't seem to get out of the haze that is my Nancy-ness and my Wanda-ness. If I really think about it, this isn't that big of a deal, he's not getting speech therapy or physical therapy because he can't walk or something. It's just to help him loosen up and such. I should be happy and thankful that he has this opportunity, but the Nancy in me is thinking it's the end of the world and that my son has issues and the Wanda in me, well she's just a pain in the rear! She has me thinking that he will never be "normal". What a liar that wanda can be! And the Denise in me, the Denise and me knows that hey, this is the reality of a preemie, some have more challenges than others and I am thankful that his seem to be little in comparison to other preemies out there. The Denise in me know that this is my reality now, my focus, the focus of other's is helping Parker to be the best he can be and to catch up with his actual age.

The reality is this: preemies face challenges, big and small. Some preemies spend time on oxygen, some have heart problems, some need speech therapy, other's deeper physical therapy. It's the life of a preemie parent to focus on you child, head to appointments, remember you child is only "this" age developmentally, ect. The reality is, our children, our beautiful preemies are special and require more care than children born at full gestation. My hubby's brother was born with many physical disabilities and his mom and dad's reality was taking care of a son who was confined to a wheel chair, with few words, a little movement and had many many hospitalizations. Like them, I have a reality too, the reality that, my son is small for his actual age, is viewed as an (almost) 11 month old, but developmentally is 8.5 months old, he requires more "work", he has 1 tooth and he will be one next month, he takes meds daily...ect.

That's my reality - I am a preemie parent - A PROUD ONE! I love and adore my son. Of course I wish that he had been born in August and that I didn't have this reality, but can't change that. God blessed me with a son born 11 weeks early, a son that will require some more attention. Most days, I feel blessed and humbled by this reality, some days though, like friday, I feel cursed. I cry sometimes realizing that this is what I will be working with for a while, but the truth is, Parker WILL catch up and years down the road, I will be able to tell him his story and share all that I was able to learn. God knows what he is doing and why, I just need to trust that. God has taught me lesson thus far and I can only imagine what He has planned for me.

Parker - if you read this many years later, know that I am honored and blessed to be your mommy. I love you more and more each day. I am only human and I have unfortunately human emotions that can challenge me. I am proud of you an all you have overcome in these past almost 11 months and I can only imagine how much you will overcome and accomplish many years down the road. You teach me every day, you make me smile and you are worth it all!

I really hope this post has not come out insensitive or whiney or negative to any of you. I certainly didn't mean it that way. I think it may be a way for me to vent, to let my emotions work themselves out. I am thankful that Parker has not had some of the challenges he could have and I certainly do not want to make those who do think I have it worse, I know I don't!

Just a reminder, our March of Dimes walk is this Sunday, there is still time to donate! Click the purple box on the right side bar to donate!!!

*P-town is turning into Parker's newest nickname thanks to my friend Amber! I have been saying it more and more recently!

Would the Real Perfect Person Please Stand Up???

By a show of hands, who here is perfect???

Wait, doth my eyes deceive me? No one raised their hand, not one of you? Oh well good, glad I am not the only person who is not perfect, it really makes me better. *contented sigh of relief*

Does anyone else feel the pressure to be perfect? You too? Oh well good, again, so glad I am not the only one!

Does anyone else sin and make mistakes and deserve forgiveness too? Oh, you do? Well good, does anyone see a trend here?

I ain't Jesus, I never claimed to be, I know I will never be perfect like Him. (Ain't is such a terrible terrible word - my grammar/english stinks sometimes.)

I make a lot of mistakes, I do stupid things, say stupid things...you know, it would be truly helpful if I could just hear what I want to say before I say to make sure it isn't stupid or hurtful. ugh, I hate that about myself, its one of the things I have struggled with my entire life. Seriously, my mouth got me in trouble in high school...stupid mouth. Sometimes I get a little too fired up and opinionated, I know that. I know that my words are hurtful sometimes...and the thing is, when I realize they are, I feel terrible. I do my best to watch what I say, especially now that I have a child. It's important that I am a good example, but sometimes my "evil" "stupid" "no-good" side comes out, especially when I am in a bad mood. I hate that about myself. I have worked so hard to not let that be a part of my life, but like any habit, it's hard to break.

I truly feel terrible about things I have said to anyone or about anyone. My heart breaks to know that I could be so stupid. I look back to high school...and I wish I could go to those I might have hurt with my words or actions and apologize to them...I can't necessarily find everyone. I do know that I am deep down 100% sorry for the stupid things I did in high school. Same with thing I did in college and last week and any other time. I don't know every time, but I know that I am in need of serious forgiveness.

God, please forgive me for my hurtful words and actions I have committed recently and in my life. I know that I was wrong and I know that I will never be able to change anything that may have hurt someone. God, I am not perfect and that is why I so desperately need your grace and forgiveness in my life. I pray that I continue to grow in you and be a great example of your and your love not only for my son, but for those out there that read my blog, know me in real life, ect. God, give me a clean heart, give me a pure heart, help my words reflect your goodness and grace. I know what I have done in my life is wrong...and I want to work on those sins and work on repairing things that I have broken. God I love you, you are so good! Amen!

so here is the truth about me...take it or leave it...

Hi, my name is Denise (or Deni) and I am not perfect, i am a sinner and I am Christian. I have made mistakes, done stupid things, said hurtful things, thought bad thoughts, made poor choices. If you thought you were getting someone perfect and sinless...YOU THOUGHT WRONG. I am doing my best to be a good example and a good Christian, but like anyone else, I sin I have flaws and I will NEVER be perfect. I can only be who I am and be the best me I can be.

Now that I have that out of my system...I am getting my hair chopped off in the morning (Friday morning)....curious to see...well, you'll have to wait! :) I think you may be slightly stunned...it's kind of a drastic change!

Tidbits: Lousy Weekend, Parker, Baby Food Advice

Hello Friends,

- I am not entirely sure how to start this post today. It's been a hard weekend and I want you to know that I appreciate your praying for me, Drew and Parker. I also would like to ask that you keep doing so, as this is a long process we are going through. I wish I could share with you the details of what is happening and honestly I could, but I am not comfortable sharing them with you all. It's not at all that I don't trust you guys, I do, I write things on my blog that I might not tell even my family (well that's not true because I know some read this!) but still. I just feel in order for Drew and I to strengthen our marriage and work through this hard time, it's best that we keep this between us for the most part. I hope that you all can understand. I guess the broad specifics of what to pray for would be, healing from hurt, healing in both mine and Drew's hearts, that God would help us rebuild some things in out life and that our marriage would come out stronger on the end of this season. One of the worst parts of this is the timing of it all....lets just say Valentine's Day was HORRIBLE. So thankfully tonight our friend Mandi is coming to watch Parker and we are going out to dinner at a nice restaurant. I am excited! *Oh and in regards to my previous post about accusations and the ending of a friendship - this is sorta related but mostly not!* I will do my best to keep prayer requests up (I will make a special thing on the side of my blog so you can always find what to specifically pray for!

- Parker is amazing. I thought I would let you know that. The kid has learned he can shreek - oh yah, fun times in our house. Mommy normally has a small headache by the end of the day thanks to Mr. Parker's screeching fits.

- Ok, question time. I make my own baby food, but here's my problem - peaches, pears and banana's keep growing brown quickly...any thoughts on how to make that not happen? I know lemon juice...but I don't think I want to put that in for parker right now. If I cook them, will that help them keep their color better? I am so annoyed by this!

I should probably go and start getting around for our date for tonight! Thank you all for loving us!

You're Guilty?!

I recently started reading a book called, "Motherhood: The Guilt that Keeps on Giving" by Julie Ann Barnhill. I have been wanting for a while now, to read some books about mommy guilt and motherhood and being a confident mom. When I came across this book at the library, I was pretty excited. Not only was a book on mommy guilt, but the writer is a Christian mother! Woohoo! All I know is I am the GUILT and WORRY queen! And if you are anything like me you probably understand the mommy guilt you go through daily. It's a never ending climb to get from what Ms. Barnhill calls "Mt. Guiltmore" to "Graceland." (no we aren't talking about Elvis' graceland.)

At the beginning of the book, the author asks the reader to write a list of things you are not guilty for. Which, honestly isn't easy...I sat in bed last night thinking of my list....It took me a while to come up with a list...and the list...is pretty miniscule compared to my guilt list. I want to share my non-guilt list with you....

Things I am not guilty for:
- Hugging and kissing Parker as much as I can each day.
- Telling Parker I love him all day, every day.
- Praying for Parker daily!
- Encouraging Parker in his development (on a side note - he rolled over from back to belly yesterday for the first time!)
- Not being scared to call the doctor when I am unsure of something
- Allowing Parker to listen/watch certain shows on tv (Noggin is my friend!)
- Snuggling him
- Being honest about my beliefs as a mom, woman, human
- Attempting to make dinner nightly while Parker plays.
- Giving Parker certain boundaries
- Taking my son to church and leaving him in the nursery
- Loving Drew and taking care of him.
- Letting Parker sleep with a blankie, his Mr. Bear - Webber, having toys in his crib, music playing, lights on if he needs it.
- Making Parker's baby food and making funny faces at him while he eats.

I am sure my list will get longer as I get through this book, but I think this is a pretty good list. Compared to the list of things I feel guilty for (I am going to only do a partial list as if I were to do more....you'd be here all day.)

My guilty list:
- Having him get his vaccines and shots (not because I don't think they are good for him, but because they hurt him and he cries.
- Having him early
- Going through depression
- Going on on dates with Drew
- Holding other babies
- having a drink here or there
- Not bathing him daily (we do it ever other day because of his super dry skin)
- Hiding in the walk in closet when i can't take his crying anymore.
- Not playing with him more
- Not being able to afford more things for him
- Not having his actual bedding set I wanted for him.
- Sometimes wishing he wasn't a preemie.
- Him having acid reflux
- The fact he had to sleep on wedge for the 4 months
- Biting his finger one day when I was pretending to eat his hand
- His eczema
- Wanting to go to Cambodia on a missions trip with my church and leaving him here
- Leaving him in the nursery for the very first time
- Going out with friends and leaving him here with daddy or with a sitter
- WAnting to go on a trip with just some girlfriends - no kids.
- letting him suck his thumb
- Not taking more videos of him
- Feeling guilty for being overweight, not healthy, and not getting off my lazy behind.

You get the point. I really think my guilt started when I first found out I was pregnant. I felt guilty for not knowing right away and continuing to drink Coke like it was going out of style. I felt guilty for all the family illnesses I had to explain to the doctor. I felt guilty that I wasn't prepared. Feeling guilty for working a lot, feeling guilty for wondering if I really could eat lunch meat (subway was my addiction during pregnancy).

Guilt tends to consume my days and a lot of times, that guilt takes over and becomes worry. One example, the first time we took him out...I felt really guilty for it, he got a cough because of it - hence worry took over and I was convinced that doctor was going to take him away for me for taking him out and him getting a cough.

Guilt stresses me out, it burdens me, it bothers me, it can make me sick. I really need to work through this guilt, though I don't plan that it will every really go away, but I would like to get to a full understanding of grace land and God's grace.

So what about you....do you go through guilt as a mom, what would your lists look like?

I plan to write more as I read the book and learn more.

PPD, it beckons me

It's been a hard week for me this past week and I needed a break from blogging yesterday as I was simply losing it. And today, while better, has still not been back to normal for me. PPD is really hitting me right now and I am not really sure what exactly might be triggering it. My heart (not physically) hurts right now, I feel very alone and very lost even in my own home. Somedays I wake up thinking, is this it, is this what I am doing with the rest of my life. By "it" I mean, well I don't know what I mean. What I do know is this:

There are days I feel like to worst mother on the face of the earth and days I question why God would entrust my little critter* to me?

There are days when getting out of bed seems to take all day. To force myself to dress and shower and live....takes a lot.

There are days when I feel like I have no one out there to turn to, fully knowing that I do, in fact, have many many people to turn to and one that is more important above all the rest...GOD.

I don't know sometimes how to work through it other than to journal and pray, which of course I do, but I feel I don't do that great of a job at follow through.

I do a great job of pulling away and putting on a happy face and mask. I pull away and then I get mad because I feel like no one cares. I think I mostly pull away because I don't want to have to explain myself and the sadness that is deep inside me.

I really love my son, I don't want anyone to think that I don't. He means everything to me. And I have worked through at lot of the anger inside from his birth. I'm not mad about it anymore, I realize the blessing it has been, even if hard. However, recently I have been upset with myself and feeling let down by my body. I feel like I was robbed. I feel guilty because I feel like I really should have done more to make sure this didn't happen. But truthfully there really isn't anything more I could have done. We didn't know this would be the outcome, no one knew Rh factors wouldn't match and that I would get HELLP. My head knows this, my heart however, has yet to get a clue to this reality! I am good at listening to my heart....it's really really loud!

I am working through this, part of my working through it is this blog post. I need prayer and support. Today at church, Pastor Mike asked people who needed special prayer to come to him and he would pray for us. I got up and moved that way, I am thankful I did it. I cried, it was a good release!

There are days I HATE PPD, ok, I hate it all the time, every day.

*read Parker

Writer's Workshop

It is time, once again for MamaKat's writer's workshop! Today's prompts are:
The Prompts:

1.) Describe a New Year's where you would have been better off just staying home.
2.) What do you do that drives your mother crazy?

3.) Share your favorite gluten free recipe (hey, so what if I rig the topics to suit my life...)

4.) Close out 2008 with your own TOP 10 list!

Stop by her site for all the rules!!!

Top 10 Things I Learned in 08
(these do not relate to Parker/birth/pregnancy)

10. I make one heck of a turkey!
9. I learned that I should not attempt to open a bottle of wine! (Then again, maybe it was because it was the first time I had!)
8. I am stronger than I give myself credit for.
7. I can shop on a budget!
6. Aldi's was made for me!
5. I am addicted to made for tv movies (Hallmark and Lifetime anyone!?)
4. I am in love with blogger! I should have started a blog like this forever ago. Blogger rocks...no more xanga for me (well except to read those who still have it!)
3. I am addicted to blogging, reading other blogs, and doing things like writer workshop
2. Never put your milk in the back of the fridge (it freezes - or at least it did for me!)

And the number 1 thing I learned in 08, not related to Parker is.........
God is and will always be good!

Top 10 Things I Learned in 08
(these ARE related to Parker/birth/pregnancy)

10. I still hate hospitals!
9. Even if you have needles stuck in you every three to four hours for 5 days....NEEDLES STILL SUCK and hurt and I still want to gag when I see them.
8. Sure, that porcelain throne in the restroom looks all shiny and fun, but it is, in fact, not fun to have to stare into the bowl of it over and over and over!
7. God gave us doctors for a reason...and they care about me and my son...that's cool.
6. I am not alone in having a preemie and I am so fortunate to have made many friends who understand this battle!
5. More comes out then what goes in...seriously....how does one kid eat SO much and still have 4 times that amount come out. Of course, that could also be related to his reflux...well no, cuz it doesn't come out the bottom end like that :/
4. I love pregnancy clothes, seriously, they are stinking comfy!
3. Babies should REALLY come with manuals. (especially when you start solids...)
2. Parker has the best daddy in the world.

And the number 1 thing I learned in 08 related to Parker

I am SO blessed. I have an amazing son who means everything to me and I can't believe the amount and kind of love I feel for him.

Now it's your turn, go on over to MamaKat's site and get started. You can pick all or one of the prompts! Enjoy!

Oh and HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! 09 is looking fine!