Why Did I Do This?

She was my best friend, we knew each other well and had many inside secrets and I hurt her and while she may have forgiven me, I have yet to forgive myself.

To protect the identity of my friend and people in this story...all names have been changed!

Shelly came into my life in middle school. She was new to the area, having been fostered by a family at church, trying to help her because her life back at home with her real family was just terrible. We hit it off right away, she may have been a year younger than me, but I knew I could trust her. We always seemed to get in to trouble at youth group events. We always had to be in the same room. I trusted her with my life...

...but I hurt her. Towards the end of my jr. year of high school, her sophomore year she started dating Pete. With Pete came the realization that I was no longer as important or at least I felt that way. She spent most of her time with him, did everything with him, I felt completely pushed away, like she didn't need me anymore. I don't remember what I said or did exactly, but I know that I got angry enough to say something that I would later regret. Maybe it wasn't anger so much as it was jealousy, I wanted my friend back, the one that did everything with me, but she was too busy with Pete. Whatever the exact words, they hurt her, and thus ended this friendship.

The last bit of my jr. year was a very awkward time. We didn't talk, we didn't wouldn't look at each other at church or school. I had hurt her and had attempted to apologize, but she was hurt too badly. The summer between my jr. and sr. year we ended up both going with out church to church camp as counselors. We were pretty much forced to talk, but it was only about camp, we never hung out otherwise, we got along to get along and that was it. I was sad because I couldn't enjoy camp with my best friend and felt awkward. But this time sparked something in both of us.

Senior year and I was getting excited to graduate. Shelly and I still didn't talk much, but we at least acknowledged each other. We shared some of the same friends so we had to. We could talk, some, but it was never like it had been...it was never us being bff's, sharing our inside jokes, laughing hysterically. We did out best to talk some, we would talk at church some too, she even attempted to encourage me when my parents got divorced that year. Somewhere inside both of us I believe that forgiveness had happened...or sparked at least. I got busy with applying to college and working so we rarely saw each other, but when we did, we talked, some. I graduated and on a whim invited her to my party, she came, with a gift and card (that today is in a picture frame). On that card she wrote, "love you." Those words mean everything to me, especially today. That summer once again, we were at church camp together. That is when things changed, we were able to joke again and laugh again and be close again, it was the best summer ever.

I went off to college but tried my best to keep contact with her. I did the best I could, but knew it would be hard. I went home for Labor Day and got to see her again. It was great, almost like old times. We were both busy, but got to hang out at church. I hugged her and headed back to school. She contacted me on my birthday, a few days later, it was a great surprise. School got busy and I didn't get the chance to reply back to her...Oct. 5 I went home for homecoming, tried to see Shelly, but didn't have the time. I got back to school on Oct. 6 2001. I had been back maybe an hour, when my "mama" figure Nancy called my room. She has been my children minister at church, I lived with her when my parents first split, and she had been working at the college I ended up going to for a couple of years. Anyway, she called my room telling me that we needed to talk. I said ok and that I would meet her in the lobby. I headed downstairs, somewhere inside me, I knew something was terribly wrong, terribly wrong. She sat me down and well, I think I died a little that day...

Shelly had been in a car accident, she died instantly, never felt any pain, she was in the arms of our Father. To say I was devastated was an understatement. I felt like something inside my died...I was sick to my stomach (even now as I type this, I feel sick). My best friend was gone and I never got the chance to tell her how much she meant to me and I had to live with what I had done to her that hurt her. I went home for the funeral and was able to get to her viewing early and got some along time with her. I walked in holding her foster sister's and foster mom's hands. There she lay, so beautiful, so perfect, so peaceful...I lost it. Her foster mom took me aside and told me that Shelly had forgiven me and that I needed to forgive myself. She told me, that we all make mistakes, say things we wish we hadn't and that Shelly knew that I had been hurt by her relationship with Pete and that she had forgiven me and talked about me often and missed me.

I am going to tell you right now - I don't know how to forgive myself. I want to, I do and I know Shelly would want me too, but I just can't. I feel like I let her down, I feel like I never got to tell her how much I loved her and felt terrible for what I did. I hurt so bad; so bad. I have her picture by my bed, I was even able to go over to her house a few days after her funeral and help her parents clean out her room. I kept a few things, they told me to take what I wanted, I kept her sweatshirt that she always wore - it smelled like her (still does). I also kept a couple of pictures.

If ever I miss her, I grab her sweatshirt and put it on. It's a little small on me, but I don't care. She feels close that way. I wrote her a letter and left it at her grave about a year later. In it was everything I had wanted to say, but never got the chance too. I am sad that Shelly wasn't there for my marriage and to meet Parker, but I know that she is in my heart. I am would like to one day forgive myself, but I know there is a long road a head. I love Shelly, I miss her and I hope that as she looks down on me, she knows and can feel that I miss her.

I love you "Shelly", so very much!



Now it's your turn, head over to Mama Kat's site and check out the prompts, then write your entry and leave a link on Mr. Linky!

The Prompts:

1.) Discuss an intense game of Pictionary that you spent most of Saturday night arguing with your family about, only to log in to your email account two days later to find 35 emails between said family regarding aformentioned game and rules.

2.) Tell about a time you hurt somebody that still bothers you to this day.

3.) The one that got away....spill it.

4.) What inspired you? Write about a time when you were impassioned to write.

5.) What happened in the last year? Write about something you can do now that you couldn't do a year ago.

6.) Write about the event that was the end of your childhood

Mommy Guilt - Things I have Learned

Hello Friends,

I hope you all are well on this wonderful hump day wednesday! Things are ok here...I have a really sore knee (I've had knee problems for as long as I can remember) and have been busy, but things are good! I met to type this out yesterday, but got sidetracked with a 9 month old who's learned that rolling is fun! I apologize for making you wait!

Ok, on to mommy guilt - some final thoughts from the book I was reading: "Motherhood, The Guilt That Keeps on Giving." What a great book and I have really enjoyed sharing thoughts with you from this book. I know we all struggle from mommy guilt and I know we can all use some insight as to how to deal with it. Remember, there is true guilt and false guilt and one of the key ways to work through guilt is to identify true vs. fake. I would say most of the time what we feel as mom's is fake guilt. For example, my son has really dry skin and I feel terrible and guilty that I don't rub lotion on him all the time...I feel guilty that he got hurt today when he was napping, he had rolled down to the bottom of his crib and had his arm stuck and twisted in the slats. He was fine, no broken bones, just a scary boy, but I felt bad that I hadn't heard him crying sooner. FALSE GUILT. I have this daily, several times a day and I think through trough the guilt I do have, very rarely is it actual true guilt. True guilt is obvious and false guilt is very vague.

If there is true guilt in the midst of the false guilt, there are ways to work through it. First, you must acknowledge it, then confess it, then ask forgiveness and accept that forgiveness and then finally make amends and work through restoration. Praying is a good place to start, pray for forgiveness and accept that God has forgiven you! One quote I liked in the book states: "Purposely choose to say no to the guilt forgiven when it beckons." I really liked it because I know I tend to dwell and churn and allow this to fester inside (not just with mommy guilt, but with all guilt). I really want to learn and practice this concept more. I think if I allowed myself to truly feel forgiven and accept God's grace, I would be much happier and less worried. Sure, there will be on going consequences of true guilt, but by accepting my forgiveness and the grace extended to me, I think the consequences will be easier to deal with. Truth is, as Ms. Barnhill said, "It's hard to feel forgiven." I will be the first to admit that.

At the end of the book, Ms. Barnhill talks about some heart connectors, 6 things that will help you and your family to grow closer together and live in "Graceland" (and no, I am not talking about Elvis here!) Ways for you especially to heal a heart that may feel burdened with guilt, positive things, things that will help you learn that God extends his grace to you and loves you. Here are the 6 connectors the author mentions!
1) Give a compliment - they go a long way and will not only make those you compliment feel great, but help you feel great too.
2) Reach out and touch - not necessarily go around hugging everyone, mainly, being there for others, loving them, being the shoulder to cry on, the listening ear, the venting bag!
3) Surprise your family with random acts of extravagant love.
4) Don't neglect your network - this is my struggle, I get too worried about bugging people and I don't allow my network of friends to be there. When I am down and out, rather than calling someone to talk to them or ask them to hang out, I sit here and allow myself to be sad and lonely. WRONG...we need to not do that. I shouldn't be afraid to say, "Hey, I am bored today, if you aren't busy, want to go to a park?" I get so afraid of rejection or putting a burden on my network of friends, I don't allow them to love me when I need it.
5) Involve your family in loving outreach.
6) Keep your mind and heart open for gifts of Grace.


So what have I taken from this book? Well, I have learned that I am not guilty for everything....like I would tend to believe. I have learned that we all go through it and we all deal with the shoulda, woulda, coulda's. I have learned that God's forgiveness is for everyone and that he loves us no matter what. I have learned that I need to accept the forgiveness, not dwell on past guilt, move and allow grace to work in my life. I have learned that I am a good mom, I may not always get it right, but I certainly do not do a lot wrong. I have learned that I will feel guilty, but I have learned ways to work through that guilt. I have learned that God is a god of Love, consistence, patience, fairness, mercy, and truth! He wouldn't have entrusted my baby too me if he didn't think I could do it. He knows better!

Does this mean I won't feel guilt, nope - I will continue to feel guilt and probably let it eat bother me, but at least I know ways to move through it. I won't be perfect that moving through it, it will take a while, but I will get there. I will allow God to lead and forgive and extend Grace when needed. I will make mistakes, its inevitable, I am human - I am not perfect!

But, I can do it...and I hope you can too. I plan to purchase this book and have it around when I need a pick me up! I am thinking of attempting to do a giveaway of this book in the future...not 100% sure about it, but I would like to.

I hope that you have learned some stuff too. I have other books I will share wisdom from as I read them! And I am sure mommy guilt will still be a topic on my blog! :)

Ok, the critter is crying, must be lunch time! Have a good one friends!

Would the Real Perfect Person Please Stand Up???

By a show of hands, who here is perfect???

Wait, doth my eyes deceive me? No one raised their hand, not one of you? Oh well good, glad I am not the only person who is not perfect, it really makes me better. *contented sigh of relief*

Does anyone else feel the pressure to be perfect? You too? Oh well good, again, so glad I am not the only one!

Does anyone else sin and make mistakes and deserve forgiveness too? Oh, you do? Well good, does anyone see a trend here?

I ain't Jesus, I never claimed to be, I know I will never be perfect like Him. (Ain't is such a terrible terrible word - my grammar/english stinks sometimes.)

I make a lot of mistakes, I do stupid things, say stupid things...you know, it would be truly helpful if I could just hear what I want to say before I say to make sure it isn't stupid or hurtful. ugh, I hate that about myself, its one of the things I have struggled with my entire life. Seriously, my mouth got me in trouble in high school...stupid mouth. Sometimes I get a little too fired up and opinionated, I know that. I know that my words are hurtful sometimes...and the thing is, when I realize they are, I feel terrible. I do my best to watch what I say, especially now that I have a child. It's important that I am a good example, but sometimes my "evil" "stupid" "no-good" side comes out, especially when I am in a bad mood. I hate that about myself. I have worked so hard to not let that be a part of my life, but like any habit, it's hard to break.

I truly feel terrible about things I have said to anyone or about anyone. My heart breaks to know that I could be so stupid. I look back to high school...and I wish I could go to those I might have hurt with my words or actions and apologize to them...I can't necessarily find everyone. I do know that I am deep down 100% sorry for the stupid things I did in high school. Same with thing I did in college and last week and any other time. I don't know every time, but I know that I am in need of serious forgiveness.

God, please forgive me for my hurtful words and actions I have committed recently and in my life. I know that I was wrong and I know that I will never be able to change anything that may have hurt someone. God, I am not perfect and that is why I so desperately need your grace and forgiveness in my life. I pray that I continue to grow in you and be a great example of your and your love not only for my son, but for those out there that read my blog, know me in real life, ect. God, give me a clean heart, give me a pure heart, help my words reflect your goodness and grace. I know what I have done in my life is wrong...and I want to work on those sins and work on repairing things that I have broken. God I love you, you are so good! Amen!

so here is the truth about me...take it or leave it...

Hi, my name is Denise (or Deni) and I am not perfect, i am a sinner and I am Christian. I have made mistakes, done stupid things, said hurtful things, thought bad thoughts, made poor choices. If you thought you were getting someone perfect and sinless...YOU THOUGHT WRONG. I am doing my best to be a good example and a good Christian, but like anyone else, I sin I have flaws and I will NEVER be perfect. I can only be who I am and be the best me I can be.

Now that I have that out of my system...I am getting my hair chopped off in the morning (Friday morning)....curious to see...well, you'll have to wait! :) I think you may be slightly stunned...it's kind of a drastic change!