Journal Journey Wednesday (pt.2 & 3)

***Just so everyone knows, this one will be a bit longer since last week I totally had a brain fart and didn't post! Enjoy - though if you don't read it all - I understand!***

June 14, 2008

"There are days I miss being pregnant. It kind of hurts to know that I'll never have that big belly, the inside out belly button, labor pains, or a vaginal birth experience. I think I really need to mourn this reality - so I can move on and focus primarily on Parker. I need to go home and pack up my maternity clothes - it's hard to walk in my closet and see them hanging there. I also am gonna get rid of my pregnancy books, just seeing them makes me sad."

June 15, 2008

"Happy Daddy's Day!!! Great news, Parker is off CPAP! His numbers are staying up great right now. He has had a couple of brady's but bounces back quickly"

June 16, 2008

"Went to church last night and boy am I glad! I really needed it. I didn't feel bombarded with people or questions, though I talked to so many! I enjoyed the message too! It was about outreach, which is weighing on my heart. Being here in the NICU I feel that I have a lot of opportunity to reach out to others, but I just don't know how to approach them."

June 17, 2008

"Today has been an incredibly hard day...I am so ticked right now - I am pretty sure that I have the worlds worst nurse. She is very unpersonable and has been short with us all morning. It doesn't help because today has started out totally cruddy. I got a call from Dr. W. at 7:30 this morning. Parker had had a rough night. They put him on oxygen and took an xray of his chest and belly. This showed something in his bowel, which could be a possible infection. They have suspended his feeds until they find out what's going on. They even drew blood and put him back on an IV...

(Later that day)
"At this point they don't think it's an infection, but they are waiting on cultures, which will take a couple of days. He will be staying on his nasal cannula. I was reading Marla's book just now and came across this quote:'Our little ones are resilient and forgiving. Our God is a God of grace. These experiences keep us humble and remind us of our need for a Savior. And those angels are always on duty.' Oh how I needed that today."

(Even later that day...)
"This whole thing is frustrating me. I mean besides my growing PPD; I am watching my child struggle. It feels like he takes 4 steps forward and 15 steps back. i feel like we are gonna be in this NICU FOREVER. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I feel my hope just slowly fading away. I see no light at the end of the tunnel. I am doing my best to fully rely on God and trust that He is handling this situation. I really just want to scream out to God. Or maybe even scream at Him. Is it even ok that I am angry? Because I am so angry. I truly do not understand why I am finding myself in this situation. I feel like I am being punished or something. But, yet, I know deep down I am not. The hardest thing is to meet other children and see them thriving when Parker is having all these issues. I keep playing the comparison game. I look over at L and think 'well he's been off Cpap for a couple weeks and is doing well. Parker not so much.' But Parker is not L, nor is he B or anyone else, he's Parker. This is how Parker is, this is his life and his set of challenges - this is what will make him stronger and make him who he is as Parker. It doesn't make it any easier to watch him struggle though..."



It kind almost cracks me up to read these now. Mostly because of my horrible grammar and punctuation. I can look back now at this set of entries and clearly see what God was doing. He grew my so much during that time. I have since learned to lean on Him and trust Him and His will. That hard day I was having on June 17th just shows this to me. At the time, I didn't think I could make it through. I was angry with the rude nurse, scared for Parker, depressed, angry with God, wanting to scream....and now I look at it and clearly see God's leading and His lessons. I won't lie, there are a lot of times now that I struggle to trust, but I have grown to know that that's all I can do at times. And I see what this trusting can do. I trusted God with Parker's allergy tests and they came back mostly great!

God is good and he has a plan for Parker...who knew? - Oh He did!

Not What I Expected

As a women I cannot begin to tell you how thrilled I was when I found I was pregnant in Dec of 2007. Growing up, it was my dream to have children, to love a child, to be a mommy and there it was in front of me - my 2 tests telling me "Yup Deni, you are pregnant!" It was a surreal moment to know that in my belly was a little itty bitty bean that in a mere 10 months would be in my arms screaming - covered in ooky goo but more beautiful than anything.

But, that didn't happen. Nope...not in the least. I won't get into my story at this point, that's for the 17th of November, but I will say this...when I had Parker, it wasn't want I expected.

When you have a baby, you expect to be in labor for hours, screaming for epidurals, yelling at your husband, screaming, pushing, ect (or maybe that's what I expected!) You don't expect to have an emergency c-section and not get to see your baby for 3 days (other than in pictures).

You expect to have that crying child covered in goo weighing in the 5-8 pound mark put on your belly and you cry tears of joy...not this...


You don't expect to have to see tubes in your child, breathing apparatuses on his face, noises going off everywhere and you certainly don't expect for that child to weigh a mere 2lbs 3ozs...



You also don't expect to have to be wheeled to another place in the hospital to see that little bundle of joy lying in an incubator while there are other children just like that around.



And you don't expect your first time holding him will be the day you are discharged from the hospital. You also don't expect to not bring him home with you that day - it's not supposed to be like that.

However, that was my reality and that is the reality (though each person is different) of many today. More than 13 million babies are born too soon worldwide. In fact in an average week in the US 10,440 babies are born preterm of those 1,664 babies are born VERY early. Those numbers are just not what you want to see.

I never thought I would be one of those 10,440 and I certainly didn't expect to be one of the 1,664. I did everything right in my pregnancy, I expected to have Parker in august and go through labor and bring my baby home just a couple days after having him.

But God had a different plan and looking back now I am thankful for that. Having a preemie has made me more aware of what March of Dimes is doing for women and baby everywhere. I have gained more faith and have really been able to work with March of Dimes and other preemie parents to make aware the realities of preterm birth.

I certainly didn't plan to have a preemie, nor do I plan to have another. But I am glad that I can use what I have been through to reach out to others.


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This month I am hoping to blog regularly about prematurity and my journey within the community of preemie parents. This blog will give you statistics, information, and I will also share bits and pieces of our journey. I hope to have some guest posts (if you are interested, please let me know), Wednesdays I will share with you some excerpts from the journal I kept during Parker's 69 days in the hospital and much much more.

You don't have to be a preemie parent to blog about prematurity. On Nov. 17th, prematurity awareness day, BloggersUnite wants you to blog the story of a preemie you know or have to promote awareness. You can always add a badge to your blog as well. (See my post from Sat. Oct. 31 for links!)

Be Blessed!

Following the Leader

God's been up to something recently in the Northern household and it is great to see His direction coming to fruition. For a while now Drew and I have been praying, seeking God's wisdom and desiring to host our own life group (some call it small group) but didn't really know anything other than the desire. We've kind of just been waiting on the right time or a clear "Go" to do so. Well, God's been up to something.

See, our church has been multiplying - there are a lot more young families now and there are ones that are desiring more connections with others. It's great to see our church having such a positive affect in the community. Being the administrative assistant for the kids community, I see weekly how our kids community is impacted by the growth of our church and the new families coming in to visit or even join. I do attendance weekly and I add at least one new family a week as a visitor and I see a lot continue to come back - it's awesome. It's a positive thing for me to be able to pour into these families through the Kids Community and now, God is leading Drew and I in another way we can pour into these families.

Through Life Group!

I have been a part of a life group now for almost 2 years (maybe less - it's been at least a year) and I have loved every. single. moment. of the time I have spent with this group of young families. I am BLESSED to call them my friends and am thankful that we were able to be in a group together. Our leaders of our group - the S.1 family, have been amazing to us. They have poured into us and the rest of the families in this group. The entire group and many other people outside of it came along side us when Parker was born. It was then that I knew what it was like to have a family other than my parents. I have a church family who loves me and my family and I am thankful for that. Anyways, back to the group. Our kids our growing up together and will always (I hope anyway) remain close and remain friends.

It's great that young families are multiplying, sadly, though, we haven't had a lot of life groups that have met that age group. Until this time. Our group is happily multiplying (I refuse to say breaking apart - because it's good, not bad!) and we are going to be helping out our friends the S. 2 family (another family that starts with S) in another group! I guess you could say kind of like co-leaders, though are names aren't officially on the sign up sheet, we plan to be be a part of this group and invest very much in the new families that come into it. Some of the families I will know, others, are new at church and I am excited to be able to come along S 2 family and help lead and love on these other families.

God has really been preparing Drew and I for this moment - and while no, we aren't the actual leaders it's great practice and training for one day actually leading our own. Personally, I am not this big public speaker person - I get flustered and forget what I am going to say, use strange words, or forget what word I want to use. But I have been getting better. I feel like my role with the Kids Community has started setting me up for that, as well as other experiences. I want to be the blessing to someone that the S. 1 family and other families in our LG have been to us.

So for those of you reading this from our LG, consider this our official announcement that we are helping to start another LG and we are so excited! We will miss everyone and our weekly get together, but we still plan to be a part of your lives as often as we can! This doesn't mean we can't talk anymore, just means we will see a little less of each other.

I look forward to seeing what God has in store for the new LG and I can't wait to meet new people.

God is so good!

When Life Hands You Lemons...

...make lemonade.

Easier said then done if you ask me!

I have been thinking a lot recently. Thinking be a good thing for me or a bad thing. But recently, it's been a good thing - or at least I would like to believe it has been. I have been thinking a lot about things in my life that have shaped me into who I am today. My life has been far from easy and while I don't remember much from when I was young, I can remember the first moment I realized life is so not fair all the time.

Easter 1998 -
Oh man, I remember this like it was yesterday. i walked into to church that morning to a very somber and sad mood. I was met at the door by one of our elders, who went on to tell me that Pastor Danny has passed away suddenly that morning while preparing to get into costume for our sunrise service. I remember my heart sinking into my chest - Pastor Danny and his wife Marilyn were like another set of parents to me. I had promised Pastor Danny that I would be going to church camp that summer with him and others from church as a jr. counselor. I couldn't understand why this had happened - as far as I knew, he was perfectly healthy and was rather young - but God needed him. I can remember feeling so cheated when he passed away. But looking back I have learned a lot from that experience - I never once took another person for granted. I attempt to live my life to make Danny proud - I want him to be looking down on me saying, "Denise, I am so proud of you!" Of course I want to make family and friends proud too, but for some reason, his approval is so important to me. Also, I got a lot closer to Marilyn after his death. Because I really struggled with it and turned to her a lot to just talk...that closeness would be the reason why I got through so many other hard things in my life.

2000 -
My parents divorced in 2000. I won't go into all the messy details, but lets just say it was an incredibly hard time for my family. My mom made some lousy decisions - which lead to the separation - which lead to my dad becoming very depressed and making the decision to try suicide. When that happened - I went and stayed with Marilyn for a while. I was angry at my mom, scared for my dad and did not want to be at home at all. Marilyn really helped me through that time - she became like a mom to me. I felt like I could only talk to her - my anger towards my mom and the hurt over my dad just was too much to talk to them. Both my parents are remarried now and happy - and I have rebuilt my relationship with my mom - but I can definitely understand what I learned out of this - I will not get divorced. I will not repeat any poor decisions made by either of my parents, I will enjoy my marriage, be open, honest and communicate. I feel like my marriage is as strong as it is because of what I learned from my parents divorce. I also believe it is strong because God is the center of our marriage and church and following Him is a top priority.

Oct. 6 2001 -
Where do I even begin with this one? Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes and my heart just sank in my chest. This was the day that I lost my best friend and to this day, I still hurt about it. *Tay (name changed for certain reasons) did not have the easiest of lives. She moved to Warsaw to live with a family in my church - her foster parents. I don't remember us really hitting it off, though we may have, but I do remember that we did end up with an amazing friendship. This girl was seriously one of my best friends. I could tell her anything, we had so many inside jokes that even today I chuckle at times thinking about how she would respond. She really helped my though my parent's divorce too, she was there for me to talk to and enjoy time with. But then she started dating someone and I got mad, jealous and in my stupid high school mind decided it would be good to pick a fight - STUPID idea. We stopped talking, avoided each other - for well over 6 months. Some how - and I still don't remember how - we started talking again. The summer of 01 before I went to college, we served at church camp as counselors together for 4th grade week and we were mostly back to our old ways. We didn't talk much, college had me busy and her schedule at school was pretty busy as well. I went home on Oct. 5 for a quick overnight trip and has just gotten back to college when a call came from Marilyn (she worked at the college I attended) telling me to call her immediately. I called her and she came to my dorm and met me in the common room to give me the news. Tay had been in a car accident - and had went to be with our Lord. To say I was devastated would be a complete understatement. She was only 17, just started her senior year - it was SO UNFAIR. We had finally gotten our friendship back and she was gone. I miss her, so much, she'd love Parker. Through all of that though, I learned to enjoy my friendships even more. I have never picked a fight again - I'd like to think of Tay as a guardian angel. She is one of two pictures I have on my visor in my car - the other - my miracle boy.

May 29, 2008 -
Well, we all know what happened here.

I guess I share this with you to tell you that I have learned a lot. My faith in God has grown in the past 11 years - and while there are many things I have left out, I can honestly say that I have learned so much and I do my best to live life to the fullest and fully rely on God. Lessons I have learned through just these 4 incidents I shared and many more I haven't, I have done my best to grow out of them.

I feel strong and loved and like I have so much to offer.

So, when life hands you lemons (whatever they are) do your best to grow out of those lemons. Make lemonade - or lemon shake ups. God knows what he's doing, even if we don't get it. It's not really our place to get it, God asks us to trust and have faith and we should do that.

God's good, even in all the hard stuff.

Because He Loves Me....

I am going to be honest for a moment - I am having a flare up of my PPD. This allergy stuff with Parker/just general lies of satan have really really been getting to me recently. Sunday, we finished up our sermon series on Psalm 23 and we ended with a discussion on God being enough. I am really really good at forgetting this. Our pastor shared a song with us that his wife put in the cd player in the car. What the pastor says just really gets me, it's not even the song - it's both really, but especially what the pastor says.



Right around the 1:25 minute mark is what I am talking about. It really hit home for me. I seem to think that God only loves me if I am perfect or only if I am good. I love when it says, "He won't love you any better if you become better..." I mean, I figured, God will only love me 100% when I am 100%. But it doesn't matter...HE LOVES ME BECAUSE HE LOVES ME BECAUSE HE LOVES ME.

I am trying to live that out and remember that daily, but I am not going to lie, it's so hard. satan lies to me, he plays on my negative frailty. He knows when I am at my lowest and makes me feel even lower. Why do I listen to his stupid, pathetic lies. Well because when I am down at my lowest, I believe anything.

See, I thought that my PPD had gone away. I can't even begin to tell you how happy I have been. I even attempted (in June) to wean off my meds. But when I got to my lowest dose, I could not function. I had no engery, no desire to do anything and I neglected poor Parker. I quickly called the dr. and decided that it would be best to stay on. It scares me, to know that I need this pills right now, ya know? But I know that I need it and I am working though it. I see now that my PPD is not gone! Yes, I am generally happier and much more normal, but there are things that trigger my intense feelings of sadness.

Recently, as I said above, it has been dealing with Parker's allergy stuff. I am so mad that he may have allergies, because I don't want to deal with having to work around them. How completely selfish is that? I feel like it's the worst thing ever, but I know it's not. It just allergies, he can be on meds, he could grow out of some of them. While at this point we still don't have his results, it doesn't matter, it can be worked around. Also recently, I have been really hard on myself. I hate how I look, I hate my body, I hate my hair...I just hate it all. And I know God loves me how I am - looks and all. I also know that He made me this way for a reason, but I am tired of it. I have desires to be able to shop at Target and fit into clothes that aren't followed by x's. I want to be able to go into the Gap and enjoy the outfits there. I want my hair to not be so thick and annoying.

And then Sunday comes around and pastor shares the cd of the above video. Wow, I mean talk about a reminder. Monday night I have a melt down about parker's allergies and such and my husband shows me this:



I mean really? It's like God is orchestrating something here. Two songs that really really hit home for me and help me. I get it...

- He loves me because he loves me because he loves me - no matter what.
- He is jealous for me...really, he is jealous for me, lil' ol me! Wow

Thank you God, for loving me - faults, sadness, and all!

1 Parker + 1 Dog = Allergy Tests Galore!

Some of you follow me on facebook, others on twitter, some know me personally and already know this, but I want to share with you our current situation with Parker.

Saturday (Aug. 8) Parker and I went over to my friend Chrissy's new house. She has two precious dogs - Daisy and Darby. Parker was on the floor loving on Darby and she loving on him. They stopped for a brief moment and I noticed that poor Parker was red every spot where he'd been licked. I didn't think much of it, figured, hey, he's never been around dogs really (we have a cat) so it's probably just a small irritation. In fact, Chrissy and I giggled about it! Then, Parker started to itchy really bad - then puff up, and then hives started showing up. I took him to urgent care and it was confirmed that Parker had an allergic reaction to dog saliva.

Today, Parker woke up with a fever (totally unrelated to the allergy issue) and so knowing we needed to follow up anyways and being concerned by the highness of the fever I made a sick appointment. Parker has a virus, should be gone by the end of the week at the latest.

And here's where the fun comes in - Dr. D wants Parker to have allergy tests done. So tomorrow, we are going to a lab and he will get check for allergies to - dog dander and saliva, cat dander and saliva, wheat, soy and milk! We pretty much already know about the dog saliva - which means we can't even have a hypoallergenic dog - those are dander "proof" only). There is the possibility of cat allergies - which could explain his on going eczema. And the food, that's mainly precautionary, but again, it could also explain the eczema.

So I am a bit bummed. I love cats and dogs and now, we may need to get rid of our cat and we won't be able to get a dog. I realize down the road that Parker could very likely outgrow some intolerance to dogs, but still, its a huge bummer. Also, we will probably have to be prepared for asthma testing and such too. Woohoo!

I am taking this hard. Not sure why, just am.

So if you could be praying for Parker and the tests and for me as I come to terms with it, I'd appreciate it!

Thanks

I'm Back :)

Hello Friends,

Thank you so much for your understanding and patience with me as I took some time away from blogging to just be! To be quite honest with you, I took a break for many reasons - 1) I felt the need to focus on my family - 2) I felt completely uninspired and had zero desire to blog - 3) I needed the time to pray about some things...

But I am feeling refreshed, inspired, and ready to be back to blogging. Maybe not daily, but more often and about more things!

And now for some updates!

- Parker is doing so well! He is just a little ball of fun and fire. He is learning more and more and wanting to walk more, but still chickening out at times. He has really started eating more and more food. He will continue to get a bottle of formula until at least october. To be honest, his growth and size is still behind and small. Yes, he is growing, but he isn't really catching up with the curve of an actual 14 month old. He is still learning to walk - he does great when holding on to things...if he could hold on to stuff all the time, he would walk very very well. The problem is when he lets go - he realizes there's nothing there to grab to and automatically falls. It's cute! He loves cartoons and he is a little blabber boy. He says mama and some times dada and random other noises. He has learned to climb on the couch by himself and does it often (it's the getting down that we have problems with). This month, we are working on eating table food better and using a cup. He still thinks a cup is a toy - but I am hoping he will be able to use one by the time we go on vacation in september. Also, yesterday was Parker's first day in the crawlers - walkers class at church. It's weird that he isn't in the nursery anymore! But so exciting that he gets to be with kids his own age!

- I am still planning on going to Cambodia. In fact, that's a lot of what I prayed about. God is leading me there and I feel his hand on it. I know now it's not just my desire, but it is in fact God really doing this in my heart! I am nervous about raising the money to go though. I am working on a sponsor list currently to send out in the next couple of months to start working on raising the funds, even though I wouldn't go until 2010. If you are interested in sponsoring me, leave a comment and I will get back to you for your info.
I am really preparing myself to, I have borrowed a lot of books from the library and a couple of movies. I watched one recently - "The Killing Fields" - wow. I mean just wow! It really helped me to understand what this country has been through. I am sure once I am there and such, it will really hit me.

- Life in general is good. We just resigned our lease - which is exciting considering we've lived here 3 years and in 3 places! It's nice to be staying and not having to relocate again! I am going to be a working woman soon - which is such an answer to prayers. I can't really go into much detail quite yet, but it's a job that doesn't require many hours and it will help bring in a little extra cash. We are also planning on getting a new car. We've had it with our Bonneville and the constant issues. We are putting way to much money into considering how much it's worth (which is like nothing). So starting today, we are going to be looking at new cars - we have a small list of cars we want to look at and test drive. I'm pretty excited because this new car would be mine and I would like something a bit bigger than our PT Cruiser. So pray that we are able to find something that fits us well and our needs. We don't plan to purchase today, but we want to be looking and starting to really weigh our options.

- Some exciting things are coming up soon. This Wed. is the 1 year anniversary of bringing Parker home from the hospital. Thursday is our 4 year anniversary. Next wed is the 1 year "adjusted age" birthday of Parker. So much to celebrate in August! And in September - we go on vacation to Buffalo, NY to see Drew's parents and such. So excited!

Well, I hope you all are well! I am so glad to be back!

Holy Cow God!

I apologize for me lack of updates as of recent. Part of that stems from the lack of motivation and desire to blog right now, the other part stems from the amount of time I have been in prayer over some doors that have opened as well as just having a toddler and being sick and busy.

I am hoping - and I do really hope - to do better at updating more and blogging more. My mind has just been a jumbled mess of trying to figure some things out, accepting some things, working with Parker on things, ect.

I want to tell you how God is opening doors in my life and really pushing me past some serious boundaries. One of these things I just can't put out there yet until it goes through and such, but lets just say, God is providing in a way I never thought.

The other way, well, that's different, because I need you all to pray for me. I have told you all for a while now that I have been praying about going to Cambodia with my church on a missions trip at some point. I will say, I am still seeking his will 100%, but unless something changes, I feel with no doubt that he his will is that I go to Cambodia on a trip. I would be really surprised if this doesn't work out.

But the truth of the matter is - I. Am. Terrified. I have never been overseas, the only other countries I have been too are Mexico and Canada and I didn't fly to Canada. I mean, like, this is WAY out of my comfort zone, yet, I am at peace. I am terrified of planes, yet, at peace about that. I am terrified of not finding any food I want....yet, I am at peace about that. I mean, whoa! It's a total God thing!

If you could just pray that details work out, that would be great. I don't know when the next trip is, but it sounds like it may be Jan or Feb. But there is a lot to do between now and then, like, get a passport! Also, we will need to work out child care for Parker, as well, I don't think Drew can take that much time off. And there are many others, but until I know more about the trip itself, I don't know what all it is. I assume I will be getting shots - so if you can pray for my fear of needles that would be great - you'd think they wouldn't phase me anymore after all I went through with Parker - but ha, no such luck. I still hate them! I am excited, yet scared, but God is really just working in me and I love it.

Ok, so well, that's all I have for now....

Just Stuff

- First of all, I have to tell you all that Parker took his first step on Friday! I was sitting on the floor while he was playing and I picked him up and stood him up a few inches from me. (He can stand on his own without holding on to things) Next thing I know, he picks up his foot and takes a step forward and immediately falls into my arms. It was awesome! Yay bubba!

- I need prayer - I am praying about a few things - 1) Going to Cambodia: I am planning on doing it, I just need prayer to bring me to peace about being overseas, in a new country, several hours flying, being away from Drew and Parker. ANXIETY anyone? and 2) Prayer for getting in better shape. When I do go to Cambodia (thinking Feb?) I would like to be in better shape so that I am not killed by the heat and the activity. I already do mommies and munchkins 2 times a week, I want to start going out and walking on my own. Now that I have my iphone, I can use it as an ipod and I had Drew put a couple of playlists on it for me that will motivate me. 3) A Job - while this is no where near official - I know I should start praying now. There may possibly be an opportunity for me to get a part time job with my church - now I am not 100% sure on it...I don't know when it will happen...I don't know if I will be offered. I guess I just want prayer that God would open doors (either at church or other places) because the truth is, we could use an income from me...even if minimal. I am not ready to put Parker in a day care so I hope and pray I can find something that would allow me to bring him with me to work or work from home.

- My Zoo - do you use facebook? Do you know of this application? Oh my gosh, I am addicted to it. You basically build and manage your own zoo. I wish I earned more money faster...I'd like to know how my step sis has 8 million dollars to play with.

- Big Brother - any other fans out there? If there are I will rant later about it, if not, I won't make you read it!

- My week - it's looking like a busy week. I have mommies and munchkins tues, and then a leah sophia party I am hoping to go to. Wed Parker has an in home visit with his Help Me Grow case worker (She didn't lose her job in recent cuts PTL), Thursday we have a WIC appointment, then that night we are attending a dessert thing in which we will get to talk to Jen, our missionary in Cambodia that is currently home on furlough. Friday I am going to go to a local preschool concert thing with some friends!

- Apologies - I am sorry I have been lacking in updates - the truth is I feel like I am in a rut. But, I am hoping now that my moodiness and depression are under control I will be able to focus and write more frequently.

God is Nifty

***EDIT*** PLEASE BE PRAYINGParker's NICU buddy Logan is currently in the ER, he has a high temp and has been having breathing issues. It's a scary time for his momma Tabatha. Last I heard at about 4:15 pm EST he was getting an x-ray and was ordered 3 breathing treatments. Logan is a precious boy, who has been through a lot in the past year. (For those who don't know, Parker and Logan were born 12 hours apart (P was born 1st) they were they same gestation, same birthday, same reason (HELLP Syndrome) and Tabatha and I connected through the NICU. Oh and their beds were beside each other!)
***END EDIT***

Wow, I am on a role with these God filled posts all of a sudden! Oh well, I can't help it, my faith has grown a lot in the last year and each day I am truly reminded of just how stinking cool God and also - pretty darn creative too!

Today - at the zoo - I would look at the animals and it would just strike my how unbelievably cool they are. I've been to the Columbus Zoo several times, but I never get past the amazement as I watch the most precious baby elephant in the world play with his mommy, or watch a silly monkey laying in the share eating branches. I love to tell Parker about these cool animals, even if he is more interested in eating his hat. It just astounds me. Truly.

It makes me seriously wonder how people don't believe in God. But that's just me.

You know why else God is nifty - He provides. I swear there are days I wonder how we survive with little money and bills, but he provides - always. Last year, we weren't sure what would come of Parker's birth/hospital stay/shots/dr. visits ect - I won't go into how much it's been (we'll just say A LOT! - no not a million - but a lot) and we have only paid maybe .3% our of pocket! SERIOUSLY, how fortunate we have been and I truly do believe that is a God thing. Yes, we have insurance, which sure, isn't necessarily a God thing, but considering all that we've been through - I feel very fortunate.

God continues to provide - we've found an Occupational Therapist that we will be seeing - currently we are on a waiting list - apparently OT and PT are in high demand! We have also been able to pay off one of our cars and we haven't had any overdraft charges in months (yes, that's right folks, we have had that problem.)

I just think God is doing such amazing amazing things! In my life, in the world, in my church and I am thankfully to have hope in Him!

Ok, stepping back from this God talk for today!

Hope you are having a wonderful hump day! :)

Clearing out my head, talking to myself, things like that.

First of all, I am so so excited! Today we went to Babies R Us to find an umbrella stroller for Parker. We don't really need our bigger one anymore and for our vacation in a couple weeks, we want something more compact. So we went in praying we'd find something affordable, durable and decent. We had had one on our registry at one point that was 130 some dollars, but we really wanted to try to keep it under 100 if we could. Well, we did, the stroller we bought ended up being on sale, marked from 139 to 99 and we got 10% off because it was the last one they had! I love it, it's cute and nice and totally perfect for Parker!

I was just reading some of the reviews on it from the Babies R Us site and I am struck that there are some negative ones. One, I find more funny and complain-y then helpful, was a lady saying that she couldn't maneuver it, that the wheels got stuck and she couldn't push it with one hand while holding her child. Maybe hers has some problems, but I pushed Parker around the store in it and I didn't have any issues. Sometimes I wonder about the reviews, ya know? anyway, it's going to be awesome to have something smaller and more compact on our trip!

On to other things:

Speaking of our trip...if May 11 doesn't get here soon, I may go crazy. I just really need to get out of here. Out of this house, this city, this state; away from bills, and laundry, and my cat, and grocery lists and negativity. I need a break so bad. My patience is worn thin, I am about to fall in to a quick sand of anger and frustration and depression. I want to get away, go to Tennessee, meet relatives, take my son to Gatlinburg, hike, get a sun tan, no strike that, knowing me it will be a burn. I am so ready to go, well except that I have like no summer clothes that fit me. Need to find some shorts or something. I have my packing list all ready, I have Parker's stroller, just need to get his new car seat. If May 11 doesn't come soon....oh boy am I in trouble.

I am struggling right now in general. I struggle to enjoy Parker's new found crawling and standing up on things expertise. I thought it was going to be awesome, but I don't know. I think I worry too much. If I didn't worry about every little fall, every little bump or bruise or this stupid H1N1 (which seriously is a dumb name) flu. Why do I worry, I mean really, what's the point in it? I worry about everything, I worry people will judge me and hate me and make fun of me (for what, I don't know!). I worry Parker's little falls will result in a concussion or scrape - a Scrape, big deal right? I worry about Drew, the stress his job is currently causing because of changes that (if you ask me) seem kinda stupid, then again, I am not an Apple employee. I am a worry wart (or as Drew says, I have cancer of the worry!)

I am struggling with my family. I love my family, don't get me wrong, but I really am hurt at times by them. There are certain people in my family that hurt me more than others. Let's just say they are emotionally unavailable. I want to say that I believe they care about me and my family, but at times, I truly wonder. It hurts, to feel like I can't turn to them or that they don't want anything to do with me. In the back of my mind, I know they do care and want to have a relationship, but it's hard to put in the effort when you feel it's all for nothing. I don't know...I just have some deep scars, wounds, seeping boo-boos in this area.

I struggle with my faith and relationship with God. I believe in him 100% - its more about my daily, personal walk with him - or lack there of. I keep telling myself, I am going to start doing daily devotions, read my Bible more, pray, and then I just don't. I am sure if I did have that time, I would feel better. I did decide to get a book from the library, it's called "Ordinary Mom, Extraordinary God" - have any of you read it? It sounds good and maybe it will give me some hope and peace and get me on the write path.

I struggle with personal bubbles. I live in one, I won't lie. (This I think goes back to my fear of rejection and judgement.) I desire so much to put myself out there and get to know other's - especially neighbors. I don't have a play group anymore, which is sad, because it got me out of the house. I want to find something to do. I know one goal of mine is making baby lap time a priority and weekly event. I want to get to know my neighbors here, many have young children and I think it would be nice to be able to just walk over and play. But I am scared too. Most have already existing relationships and I don't want to come in and ruin them.

Sigh....

I just feel heavy and burdened and drained and tired and blah! Very blah! I should go now and work on finishing the lesson for Sunday, especially since Parker is asleep!

Thanks for listening. Sorry I don't have more happy things to post about right now!

Tidbits - What's on my mind!

Hi friends!

Today on Tidbits I am going to share a little bit of everything on my mind!

March of Dimes Walk
Yesterday was the walk! Because it was the first year that I did it I wasn't sure what to expect. I had these ideas in my head, but you can only be so prepared. Let me tell you, it was way more exciting and long than I expected. I certainly didn't expect 5 miles to be so long...it doesn't seem like it would be long, but holy cow! I am proud to say that we did finish the 5 miles with very few stops (towards the end I did start to get sick, thank goodness for Steak and Shake!) We finished strong and very proud to have been a part of such a great event. Yes, I even shed a tear or two or 70. There were a ton of other's there, though I have clue what the actual number was! My team consisted of Drew, Parker and me, as well as our friends Teresa, Kim and Kara and one of my blogger friends even walked with us (Thanks C.). We ran into one of Parker's nurses from the NICU! That was exciting and unexpected and so good! We didn't get to see anyone else, though she did say there were some others there! It was cool to see other family teams and their posters. Ours was out and I was so excited, I am also excited because we got to keep it if we wanted to! Parker did so so good! I was expecting a meltdown from being too hot or not getting a diaper change - but no, he sat in his stroller with his incredibly cute outfit and played with his toys and talked! I think we finished in an hour and 45 minutes. After the walk we spent the afternoon resting (while Parker spent it playing!). I am not too sore today, my blister on my foot hurts, and the random sunburn I got on only one arm and only on the back! Pictures to come - I haven't dumped the camera!

Saturday
Saturday was a good day too - just really busy. That morning, Parker and I got up early and went to a soccer game to cheer on M. He is the son of my good friend C and B and we promised him we'd come to a game. He adores Parker and visa versa. His team did well and won!!! We came home and our friend Teresa came over to help me make our team shirts! (We were the only team there with hand maid shirts!) After she left I headed to a coupon class hosted by Ellen of ThriftyChicMom. She is an insane (good insane) couponer and she shared her tips! I look forward to getting into it. I have clipped coupons, but I have never been so organized and thoughtful in my shopping. After that I went grocery shopping for a little bit of stuff and came home and relaxed.

Parker
This little man is giving mommy and daddy headaches! He gets into everything, pulls up on everything, bumps his head on everything (nothing serious) and is just running amuck! This weekend he has started crawling more and more and he pulls up on anything he can. It's crazy to think a week ago he barely did anything but roll and now...yah, not so much. He's such a big boy and he is doing so well!

Today I am going to do some spring cleaning! Our house is so cluttered and especially our walk in closet - A MESS! i am planning on getting some new clothes since I can't fit into most of my summer clothes from last year. We are going to tennessee in two weeks so I want to get some new things for that trip. Also, I need to get all the winter clothes put away too. Plus, with how sore I am it will be a good break before I am busy later this week!

I am done, thanks for reading my novel! I hope to get pictures up later today of the walk!

The Preemie Reality

Have you ever had one of those days where things are going great and then all of the sudden one thing changes your mood? Yah, well, me too, and that was my Friday.

Friday I got a call from P-town's* occupational therapist. She is a sweet lady and has been following Parker's development since day one! We went in a few weeks ago for his most recent follow up appointment and she was impressed with how well P-town was doing. He was in the average points value for his adjusted age! That's good! But she was concerned with his muscle tone and how he has a tendancy, ok, not a tendancy, but a almost consistent way of tensing his legs and body. Now, don't get me wrong, he can bend his legs, arms, ect, but more often then not, he will tense up while sitting, standing (he does this with support) and such. For example, most babies, when they sit, will sit with their legs bent in some way, Parker automatically puts his straight out and tenses them. Anyways, like I said I got a call from "K" friday, she was reviewing his file and writing his letter to Dr. D and to "S" our Help Me Grow case worker. She said that she wants him to be evaluated and start some physical therapy for a few months. It's really to help with his tone, but when I heard that, I became negative Nancy and worrisome Wanda and now I am in a mood.

For whatever reason, I can't seem to get out of the haze that is my Nancy-ness and my Wanda-ness. If I really think about it, this isn't that big of a deal, he's not getting speech therapy or physical therapy because he can't walk or something. It's just to help him loosen up and such. I should be happy and thankful that he has this opportunity, but the Nancy in me is thinking it's the end of the world and that my son has issues and the Wanda in me, well she's just a pain in the rear! She has me thinking that he will never be "normal". What a liar that wanda can be! And the Denise in me, the Denise and me knows that hey, this is the reality of a preemie, some have more challenges than others and I am thankful that his seem to be little in comparison to other preemies out there. The Denise in me know that this is my reality now, my focus, the focus of other's is helping Parker to be the best he can be and to catch up with his actual age.

The reality is this: preemies face challenges, big and small. Some preemies spend time on oxygen, some have heart problems, some need speech therapy, other's deeper physical therapy. It's the life of a preemie parent to focus on you child, head to appointments, remember you child is only "this" age developmentally, ect. The reality is, our children, our beautiful preemies are special and require more care than children born at full gestation. My hubby's brother was born with many physical disabilities and his mom and dad's reality was taking care of a son who was confined to a wheel chair, with few words, a little movement and had many many hospitalizations. Like them, I have a reality too, the reality that, my son is small for his actual age, is viewed as an (almost) 11 month old, but developmentally is 8.5 months old, he requires more "work", he has 1 tooth and he will be one next month, he takes meds daily...ect.

That's my reality - I am a preemie parent - A PROUD ONE! I love and adore my son. Of course I wish that he had been born in August and that I didn't have this reality, but can't change that. God blessed me with a son born 11 weeks early, a son that will require some more attention. Most days, I feel blessed and humbled by this reality, some days though, like friday, I feel cursed. I cry sometimes realizing that this is what I will be working with for a while, but the truth is, Parker WILL catch up and years down the road, I will be able to tell him his story and share all that I was able to learn. God knows what he is doing and why, I just need to trust that. God has taught me lesson thus far and I can only imagine what He has planned for me.

Parker - if you read this many years later, know that I am honored and blessed to be your mommy. I love you more and more each day. I am only human and I have unfortunately human emotions that can challenge me. I am proud of you an all you have overcome in these past almost 11 months and I can only imagine how much you will overcome and accomplish many years down the road. You teach me every day, you make me smile and you are worth it all!

I really hope this post has not come out insensitive or whiney or negative to any of you. I certainly didn't mean it that way. I think it may be a way for me to vent, to let my emotions work themselves out. I am thankful that Parker has not had some of the challenges he could have and I certainly do not want to make those who do think I have it worse, I know I don't!

Just a reminder, our March of Dimes walk is this Sunday, there is still time to donate! Click the purple box on the right side bar to donate!!!

*P-town is turning into Parker's newest nickname thanks to my friend Amber! I have been saying it more and more recently!

Well Hello There!!!

Parker's 1st Easter - and his special outfit!


Hello there friends,

It feels like I haven't written in a while. This weekend I was busy busy with Easter and choir and family and just never had a chance to sit down and share anything with you. And as far as yesterday - my excuse is I slept in till noon and then attempted to clean, relax and get some grocery shopping done. Plus my mind was in off mode so I am not sure I could have pulled together a comprehensive post.

So here is a much deserved update.

I will go back to Thursday - not such a great day for me because I hurt myself - bad. I was putting something in the oven and ended up having the oven door close on my arm. I burnt it bad...Friday it was blistered and icky! Before all this, I met up with some friends at the zoo and spent the afternoon there. It was a blast!

Friday - we took Parker to the doctor for a follow up on his skin irritation. Basically, we just have to continue with the special cortizone cream we have a prescription for. Do that for 3 weeks and it should be completely gone. I will say, his skin looks almost normal after just a weekend of the stuff - so that's positive. While I was there, I had Dr. D look at my burn and he told me how to care for it. I love that he is my son's ped. but will take the time to look at my arm so I don't have to go to a clinic. Friday evening Drew's parents got here and we attempted to go to the good friday service. Parker had a melt down so we ended up leaving early and coming home.

Sat. - I woke up too early for a Sat. and headed to church for a choir run-through. It was a long rehearsal! But it was so worth it. Drew and I worked hard all week to make a slide show to a song called "I Will Rise" and we got to show it for the first time at the rehearsal and everyone loved it. I loved it! I worked hard on it, I basically spent hours staring at pictures to pick out the perfect ones. Drew really just edited it! After rehearsal I came home (the grandparents had watched Mr. P.) and relaxed and then the four of us hopped in the car and headed to Easton to meet Drew for lunch. It was a good time!

Sun - again, woke up WAY to early for a Sunday and headed to church for our last run through before the actual services. It was awesome to see God work. One of our songs was so challenging and even in rehearsal before the service we were struggling with it. But during the service, it came out great and perfect. I was moved several times to tears during the service...mainly because of I Will Rise! The song gives my goosebumps. Pastor Mike delivered a fun and very insipiring sermon.
Both services were good and Parker was so cute in his little outfit (I will post a picture later once I dump the camera). We had Olive Garden for lunch and then came home for a 4 hour nap!

Speaking of Parker - this kid is getting so big! He can scoot backwards and almost crawl. He eats puffs, even though he doesn't have teeth (well just one) and he loves um. He sits in a high chair now, though he tiny compared to them.

I hope you all had a wonderful Easter!

I have a busy week ahead as I pull together the lesson for the Toddler Room on Sunday! I promise some more posts later too!

Mommy Guilt - Things I have Learned

Hello Friends,

I hope you all are well on this wonderful hump day wednesday! Things are ok here...I have a really sore knee (I've had knee problems for as long as I can remember) and have been busy, but things are good! I met to type this out yesterday, but got sidetracked with a 9 month old who's learned that rolling is fun! I apologize for making you wait!

Ok, on to mommy guilt - some final thoughts from the book I was reading: "Motherhood, The Guilt That Keeps on Giving." What a great book and I have really enjoyed sharing thoughts with you from this book. I know we all struggle from mommy guilt and I know we can all use some insight as to how to deal with it. Remember, there is true guilt and false guilt and one of the key ways to work through guilt is to identify true vs. fake. I would say most of the time what we feel as mom's is fake guilt. For example, my son has really dry skin and I feel terrible and guilty that I don't rub lotion on him all the time...I feel guilty that he got hurt today when he was napping, he had rolled down to the bottom of his crib and had his arm stuck and twisted in the slats. He was fine, no broken bones, just a scary boy, but I felt bad that I hadn't heard him crying sooner. FALSE GUILT. I have this daily, several times a day and I think through trough the guilt I do have, very rarely is it actual true guilt. True guilt is obvious and false guilt is very vague.

If there is true guilt in the midst of the false guilt, there are ways to work through it. First, you must acknowledge it, then confess it, then ask forgiveness and accept that forgiveness and then finally make amends and work through restoration. Praying is a good place to start, pray for forgiveness and accept that God has forgiven you! One quote I liked in the book states: "Purposely choose to say no to the guilt forgiven when it beckons." I really liked it because I know I tend to dwell and churn and allow this to fester inside (not just with mommy guilt, but with all guilt). I really want to learn and practice this concept more. I think if I allowed myself to truly feel forgiven and accept God's grace, I would be much happier and less worried. Sure, there will be on going consequences of true guilt, but by accepting my forgiveness and the grace extended to me, I think the consequences will be easier to deal with. Truth is, as Ms. Barnhill said, "It's hard to feel forgiven." I will be the first to admit that.

At the end of the book, Ms. Barnhill talks about some heart connectors, 6 things that will help you and your family to grow closer together and live in "Graceland" (and no, I am not talking about Elvis here!) Ways for you especially to heal a heart that may feel burdened with guilt, positive things, things that will help you learn that God extends his grace to you and loves you. Here are the 6 connectors the author mentions!
1) Give a compliment - they go a long way and will not only make those you compliment feel great, but help you feel great too.
2) Reach out and touch - not necessarily go around hugging everyone, mainly, being there for others, loving them, being the shoulder to cry on, the listening ear, the venting bag!
3) Surprise your family with random acts of extravagant love.
4) Don't neglect your network - this is my struggle, I get too worried about bugging people and I don't allow my network of friends to be there. When I am down and out, rather than calling someone to talk to them or ask them to hang out, I sit here and allow myself to be sad and lonely. WRONG...we need to not do that. I shouldn't be afraid to say, "Hey, I am bored today, if you aren't busy, want to go to a park?" I get so afraid of rejection or putting a burden on my network of friends, I don't allow them to love me when I need it.
5) Involve your family in loving outreach.
6) Keep your mind and heart open for gifts of Grace.


So what have I taken from this book? Well, I have learned that I am not guilty for everything....like I would tend to believe. I have learned that we all go through it and we all deal with the shoulda, woulda, coulda's. I have learned that God's forgiveness is for everyone and that he loves us no matter what. I have learned that I need to accept the forgiveness, not dwell on past guilt, move and allow grace to work in my life. I have learned that I am a good mom, I may not always get it right, but I certainly do not do a lot wrong. I have learned that I will feel guilty, but I have learned ways to work through that guilt. I have learned that God is a god of Love, consistence, patience, fairness, mercy, and truth! He wouldn't have entrusted my baby too me if he didn't think I could do it. He knows better!

Does this mean I won't feel guilt, nope - I will continue to feel guilt and probably let it eat bother me, but at least I know ways to move through it. I won't be perfect that moving through it, it will take a while, but I will get there. I will allow God to lead and forgive and extend Grace when needed. I will make mistakes, its inevitable, I am human - I am not perfect!

But, I can do it...and I hope you can too. I plan to purchase this book and have it around when I need a pick me up! I am thinking of attempting to do a giveaway of this book in the future...not 100% sure about it, but I would like to.

I hope that you have learned some stuff too. I have other books I will share wisdom from as I read them! And I am sure mommy guilt will still be a topic on my blog! :)

Ok, the critter is crying, must be lunch time! Have a good one friends!

Would the Real Perfect Person Please Stand Up???

By a show of hands, who here is perfect???

Wait, doth my eyes deceive me? No one raised their hand, not one of you? Oh well good, glad I am not the only person who is not perfect, it really makes me better. *contented sigh of relief*

Does anyone else feel the pressure to be perfect? You too? Oh well good, again, so glad I am not the only one!

Does anyone else sin and make mistakes and deserve forgiveness too? Oh, you do? Well good, does anyone see a trend here?

I ain't Jesus, I never claimed to be, I know I will never be perfect like Him. (Ain't is such a terrible terrible word - my grammar/english stinks sometimes.)

I make a lot of mistakes, I do stupid things, say stupid things...you know, it would be truly helpful if I could just hear what I want to say before I say to make sure it isn't stupid or hurtful. ugh, I hate that about myself, its one of the things I have struggled with my entire life. Seriously, my mouth got me in trouble in high school...stupid mouth. Sometimes I get a little too fired up and opinionated, I know that. I know that my words are hurtful sometimes...and the thing is, when I realize they are, I feel terrible. I do my best to watch what I say, especially now that I have a child. It's important that I am a good example, but sometimes my "evil" "stupid" "no-good" side comes out, especially when I am in a bad mood. I hate that about myself. I have worked so hard to not let that be a part of my life, but like any habit, it's hard to break.

I truly feel terrible about things I have said to anyone or about anyone. My heart breaks to know that I could be so stupid. I look back to high school...and I wish I could go to those I might have hurt with my words or actions and apologize to them...I can't necessarily find everyone. I do know that I am deep down 100% sorry for the stupid things I did in high school. Same with thing I did in college and last week and any other time. I don't know every time, but I know that I am in need of serious forgiveness.

God, please forgive me for my hurtful words and actions I have committed recently and in my life. I know that I was wrong and I know that I will never be able to change anything that may have hurt someone. God, I am not perfect and that is why I so desperately need your grace and forgiveness in my life. I pray that I continue to grow in you and be a great example of your and your love not only for my son, but for those out there that read my blog, know me in real life, ect. God, give me a clean heart, give me a pure heart, help my words reflect your goodness and grace. I know what I have done in my life is wrong...and I want to work on those sins and work on repairing things that I have broken. God I love you, you are so good! Amen!

so here is the truth about me...take it or leave it...

Hi, my name is Denise (or Deni) and I am not perfect, i am a sinner and I am Christian. I have made mistakes, done stupid things, said hurtful things, thought bad thoughts, made poor choices. If you thought you were getting someone perfect and sinless...YOU THOUGHT WRONG. I am doing my best to be a good example and a good Christian, but like anyone else, I sin I have flaws and I will NEVER be perfect. I can only be who I am and be the best me I can be.

Now that I have that out of my system...I am getting my hair chopped off in the morning (Friday morning)....curious to see...well, you'll have to wait! :) I think you may be slightly stunned...it's kind of a drastic change!

Fear, Faith and Prayer

I have always been a fear dwelling beast, in some ways, I think I have always felt at home in Fear-o-topia, but these past couple of days as I have followed the story of Heather Pick , a local news anchor who passed away Friday after lengthly with breast cancer. As I read the story, the interviewees always said that rather than playing the poor sick me card when it resurfaced in 2004, she began really living life and became an advocate for Breast Cancer Awareness. She didn't live in fear, but rather, relished in each new day.

So WHY ON EARTH DON'T I DO THAT.

I mean, it's not like I don't have a huge awesome loving faithful God on my side, right?

And I have been a believer my entire life, so why do I live in fear, fear of heights, death, pain, speaking in public, the list could go on. Fear has seriously crippled me from trying things and enjoying life to it's fullest. I think that this year speaks to how much I have over come personally!

This year has been a true test for me. It began so perfect, the beginning of my first pregnancy, so much to enjoy and look forward too all having my first little one and so much else. May turned everything around, suddenly I was thrust into a world I never knew, a fear I have always had...who knew one pain in my side could turn into the sudden delivery of my baby boy, 11 weeks early. All these fears swept into my head, would he be ok, would I be ok, was this my fault, this is my fault, was a disappointing everyone. i was scared for Parker for those 69 long days in the NICU, every day fostered a new fear, but every day fostered an even bigger hope and stronger faith in God, and I truly learned to let go and let God.

God healed my boy and allowed me to bring him home perfectly healthy. God continues to heal and hold Parker in his hands...

...why then, Oh silly silly Denise, do you fear even as you sit here typing?

I don't know. God has protected Parker and me and Drew, so why am I scared?

I really don't know, but today at church, Pastor Mike was walking about prayer and it hit me, I really need to pray more....I really need to pray even when it seems silly. If nothing else, when I am especially scared, prayer should really help.

I just keep realizing more and more the Power of God, he is bigger than any fear, any mountain, any hurdle, any pain, any suffering, and (president elect) leaders, any thing. God is in control, he loves us and does not delight in our pains and sufferings and struggles, he hurts too! How cool is that?

My God Is Awesome!

A Leap of Faith

I hope you are sitting down for this because I have something very important that I must reveal to you right now....My name is Denise and unfortunately I am human and have fears! On of my biggest fears/struggles is being a leader. Talk about being WAY out of my comfort-zone. But recently God has really been pushing me to step out of the zone and has been renewing within me an amazing spirit. 

This is the convo that started it all...or well, kind of the conversation I had with God: 

G: "Hey Denise, guess what, it's time you cross that line and jump on in to this new venture."

M: " Um, God, really? I mean, this is a huge fear and I am not into conquering a fear right now."

G: "I understand, but you say you trust me and you have put your hope in me, don't you trust me enough to lead you and guide you in this?"

M: " Of course I trust you God, but this is a huge fear and I am not ready and I just am not sure I will be ok, I am just not re-a-d-..."

G: "Denise, you can't half trust me, do you FULLY trust me? Will you put your life in my hands? Think about it, did I let you down with Parker. You trusted me then, why not with this?"

M: "Yes, and I appreciate how well you have taken care of my precious boy, but I am scared."

G: "Will you trust me and let me lead you?"

M: "You know what God, Yes, I will....you haven't let me down thus far....here I go..."

I jumped in and am now stepping out of my comfort zone. I have taken on a leadership roll in my mommy meet up group as an assistant organizer and I am loving every minute of it. I am in charge of charity events for my group and working on how to appropriately discuss things with the charities (I am bad at phone talking!) I am planning on stepping into a role at church again, working in the toddler room and planning structure for that room (can I tell you how THRILLED I AM?) God is really pushing me in all of these and I am taking the plunge with an open heart and while I am scared and timid...I am ready for this. I am looking forward to working with a charity in my life group and now with my mommy group. 

It's so funny how God works. I mean really...He is so cool like that. And I am thrilled to be "growing up." One of the charities near and dear to my heart is March of Dimes and I want to show Parker a spirit of giving, which isn't to say I am not a giving person, but I am always so scared and timid, but now, I feel like I can truly show Parker how special you can fill when giving to others and being willing to stand up for what you believe in (and at this point the Veggie Tales song "Stand Up" runs through me head....) 

I can't wait to see what God has planned. Pray for me on my journey! Tuesday's Tips tomorrow...stay tuned, you will love it!