Mother's Day Recap

Mommies out there - I hope you all had a wonderful Mother's Day! I know mine was super special and I had a great day. Here is a recap of the day.

Mother's day started out like a normal Sunday. Got up, got dressed, usual routine with Parker, ate, headed to church. Church was good. We had baby dedications and the sermon was good as well. Drew had left for church earlier than me to help with set up and such, so when I got there, i was surprised by this:



It a reusable cup from Starbucks, I LOVE IT! He had it filled with my favorite drink - Green Tea Lemonade Sweetened. MMMM. He also presented me with a $15 itunes card. Probably to get me off his back for wanting some new songs on my iphone. (Kidding!) However, it was hard to pick just 15 songs...I had a long list. But I narrowed it down. Can't wait to have those on my phone tonight!

After church we had cake and punch for the families who had their child dedicated. I then came home and was surprised - Again. Mandi was here, she has a spare key from way back when she took care of our cat for us. She came over while we were at church and cleaned the apartment some. She also set up my Mother's Day surprise. It was honestly very nice to come home and have a clean living room that had been swept. On my dining room table were a balloon bouquet, some flowers and a few gift boxes. In the smallest box was a beautiful necklace from Mandi. It was blue, my favorite color! I unfortunately don't have a picture of it right now, but I will take one soon. In the big box was my gift from Parker. It was by far the best gift I think I have ever received. (Next to him ;) of course!) It was this beautiful hand made plate with his hand print on it....see



I think it might be the best personalized gift I have received. Well, not sure though, because I also adore my personalized necklace with PArker's name on it I got last year. Anyways. I love it. His hands are special to me - when he was in the NICU, I help his hands a LOT, when we would kangaroo he would always massage my chest with his hands, one time he laid on his hand it made a red imprint on my skin over my heart! Anytime I need a hug, he always reaches out to me with his hands. So for me to receive this gift with his hand print on it, well, it met the world to me. It's a very special gift and a huge surprise because I didn't see it coming. I cried a bit. But that's ok, because it met I was happy!

After opening the gifts Drew took a nap since he had been sick the past few days, Parker took a nap and Mandi and I well, we talked and watched Mythbusters. We spent the afternoon resting and relaxing and playing with Parker. At dinner time we headed to:


It was fun, though the waiting was kind of long (then again it was Mother's Day!) Oh and while we were waiting to be seated Parker had his first kiss. There was a little girl walking around with her mom - she was a beginner walker, because she had to hold both her mom's hands and she kinda tiptoed. Anyway, they came up near us and Parker was trying to talk to her. She walked right up to him and bam, laid one on him. Parker looked up at me and back at her and she did it again. Everyone around us did what anyone should do - a unison "Awwwww" and then the mom apologized. I told her it was totally fine, no big deal. I mean, it's not like she punched him or something...ya know? It was a little kid being a little kid. I had no issues. I was more concerned she had gotten some of Parker's snot on her since his nose was runny. It was super cute though. And made it an unforgettable day for sure.

The rest of the evening was spent editing wedding photos from the wedding Mandi and I shot. I will share a few tomorrow.

So to say yesterday was awesome - that would be an understatement. Parker, Drew and Mandi made it an incredibly special day for me. I have never felt more special then I did yesterday. It was definitely a mother's day I will never ever forget. Plus, now I have it all in writing...teehee.

I hope yours was a good one too!

Forever Changed

"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever!' Eph. 3:20-21

I am a masterpiece - God's masterpiece.

This weekend my church sponsored a conference at a local hotel. The main speaker - my darling and super awesome pastor's wife Tammy Smith. She is just the best. I mean, besides that fact that she's quite the inspirational and honest speaker, she is so funny and lively and just someone you must be around. She infects you - in a good way. She's written 3 books. I am currently reading Soul Healing...because well I need it. She is also a counselor and she happens to sing really well too!

The conference was called Forever Changed. And boy did I walk away feeling that way. It's funny how you can get so much from a conference that really is only a day (fri, night and sat through the afternoon.) It was a ton of info and all super important and I am still attempting to process through it all. I truly don't know if I could adequately explain everything that Tammy and others talked about, but I can tell you this...I now see so many things differently.

I came home Saturday night and had realized these things (among many):
1) God Loves me so much, so so much and it is a never ending love.
2) I. Am. Forgiven...for my past, present and FUTURE sins...all of them...
3) God wants to Bless me - but I have to lean in and say yes.
4) satan seeks to destroy me and lie to me EVERY SINGLE DAY....
5) satan is a pathetic little man behind a curtain when you really thing about it...and in the end, HE LOSES.
6) I need to saturate myself in the Word...

There are about 20 other things I learned but these are really the top six that I struggle with daily and that actually shape my life.

I have a lot to heal from in my past...some stuff that actually makes me live the way I do today and I have this huge desire to do that and change the way I live. And the great thing is that I was actually given "tools" to use to go and do that during this conference.

I have a long way to go...but boy do I feel different and ready.

I am so glad I was forever changed! Truly!

A New Outlook

To say that I have a lot of bitterness built up inside about Parker's birth would be an understatement. For as much as I consider myself "over it" and moved past it, I still harbor a lot of anger that his birth happened the way it did. I know, to you, it seems kind of pathetic that I would harbor these feelings, but I think there may always be a part of me that is a little upset with God "allowing" this. I am human after all and I do hurt and I am not perfect.

However - I am starting to get a whole new outlook about it. Was it easy? Um NO! Was it fun? Ha - right. Would I want it to happen again? Nope But the reality is it could. I am at risk, but a maybe slightly lower risk. But I do have a new outlook - it was a lesson in putting full trust in God that I will never forget. I had to let go and let God control the situation. There was simply nothing more that I could do. I had to let go and trust that God would be with those doctors as they took my son out of me and whisked him to the NICU. I had to let go and trust God to give the appropriate knowledge to the Neonatologist, doctors and nurses that worked on Parker and took care of him in the NICU. It wasn't easy. Especially once I was able to see him. I wanted to wrap him up in my arms and hold him forever...be his protector, his doctor, his nurse, his everything, but I couldn't. Besides the fact that I don't have the degree or the knowledge needed, I had to heal myself.

There's been this empty time in my head since Parker's birth. I can remember VERY clearly up to when they gave me the anesthesia. I remember very clearly that last things I heard before I feel into a deep sleep - "I will be here with you the whole time." A nurse named Mary said as she held my hand and I drifted to sleep. I remember hearing voices while in the ICU, but I don't really remember seeing people until my in-laws go there later Thursday evening. There's a few hours that I will probably never know about. The one thing I always wanted to know was what happened during my c-section. Did Parker come out crying, limp, ect? What would it have been like had I not been under general anesthesia? I do know Parker came out crying and kicking - a ton. My OB/GYN has answered that one. He was a little fighter from the get-go. But what about the rest of those unanswered questions? I don't think I will ever know 100% what it was like in the operating room. Drew wasn't in there so he can't answer that for me...but I did have a small glimpse.

On Jan 31, there was a special on TLC. It was called "Special Duggar Delivery" and it was about the birth of their 19th child, miss Josie Brooklyn. She came at 26 weeks and was a 1lb 6oz miracle. You may not like them or agree with their lifestyle, I don't always agree with their views, but for me, to start a total healing process I had to watch this episode. I DVRd it and waited until I had the time to watch it, no interruptions, me allowing myself to feel and watch. I ended up not sleeping well that night and woke up at 2am. I decided to watch it...mostly because I couldn't sleep because I wanted to watch it so bad. I sat and watched it. And let me tell you, it wasn't easy. They showed Michelle's C-section and you know what...it really helped me. I put myself on that operating table and it helped me see kind of what happened during Parker's birth. To see how fast it went, how quickly they got Josie out, how fast they got her to the NICU - I knew in my heart, that's what they did with Parker. And I am thankful for that.

My outlook is changing about this. I will never be thrilled that it happened - who would? But I can learn to look at it now in a positive frame of mind. It strengthened my walk with God, it gave me the most beautiful miracle child, it brought people into my life that I may not have known otherwise, it showed me how a church can love it's members, it showed me that I am way stronger than I give myself credit for. I have been blessed with being able to get to know other preemie parents and helping in their journey. I have learned to really cry out to God. Sure, there are still some negative feelings towards it and to be honest, for as much as I want another child, I am TERRIFIED of this repeating itself. But I know, that God is always here, He will get me through another hard pregnancy if that's what it would be, He knows what's gonna happen in the future, I don't.

I can honestly say, I am thankful that my son was born 11 weeks early. I wouldn't be where I am today if he hadn't been. To look at him now, sitting on the floor, talking to the TV, smiling at me and laughing loudly - it was all worth it. Every single part of this journey has been worth it.

Thank you God for a new outlook!

Deep Breaths & Deep Snow

First of all, I want to thank those of you who left such encouragement on my last post. I don't like to be Deni-Downer, but I also want to make sure that I am raw and honest with those who still read this blog. I don't want to lie and sit here and tell you, "I am just fine, peachy keen jelly bean" when deep inside i am torn and hurt and broken. I have done that too many times in my life and I need to not do it.

Parker is doing GREAT! He's been stuffy and a little cough-y but other than that, his breathing is beautiful. I've had to do two alubterol treatments since Monday, at night, which honestly isn't surprising. I mean, if you think about how stuff settles and you heard how snotty he was, you'd do it too. It was completely precautionary. He wasn't wheezy, but his cough concerned me enough to go ahead and do it. And he's had no wheezing and is pretty much back to normal. FloVent will be on his daily regimen, but no biggie...anything to keep his lungs open and give him the ability to breath. It's good to hear him breath deep and not here him struggle. It was a long week.

I myself am doing better. I think I mentioned I was sick too. Sinus infection and congestion. Today is the first day really that I finally can breathe through my nose again. Still got a little junk in my throat, but I am doing well. It was a long week for me. Oh and I got blood tests back (I had them done Mon.) and everything looks great. I need to probably lost about 40-50 lbs to be mostly healthy, which I want to and intend to do, but my cholesterol is doing great (though I am on meds for that).

Parker and I are hunkered down inside for the next couple of days. Snowmaggedon is on in full force here in central ohio and I do not have any desire to be out in it. We could get up to 10 inches of snow and in some areas a foot. Which means I have every intention of hanging out in my home till Sunday. Mostly because of Parker and the fact that cold weather does trigger his issues and also because I HATE snow, I hate being out in it, I hate driving it, I hate cleaning it off my car and away from my front door.

Sunday is the BIG GAME! Colts vs. Saints in the Super Bowl. Our life group is having a party and I am pretty pumped. Can't wait to wear my jersey to church and show off my Colts pride. Have a good one and if you are in central OH - stay warm and don't get lost in the snow :)

GO COLTS!!!!!

Living La Vida Loca

I feel like I haven't had anything exciting to say recently. I feel like my blog is repetitive and boring. But I have some things to talk about...so I figured, what the hey, I will just update.

1) Haiti
My heart breaks for those affected by the earthquake down there. It seems like tragedies like this really make me check myself. I've been complaining a lot about not having a house...I hate living in an apartment. Then I see what those people were living in prior to this devastation and I feel completely lousy. How can I complain about a nice apt. and needs being met...when others are living in such horrible conditions. I won't lie, I've been glued to the TV at night. I keep watching Anderson Cooper 360 because I love his perspective on it. But it makes me sad. So so sad. I wish there was more I could do...but there's not.

2) Parker Boy
What a character he is now. I mean, this kid is just a nut! His favorite word is No...and it's not that he's defiant...in fact, he just walks around..."no, no no no no no no..." Parker do you love mommy" "NO!", Parker is your diaper stinky? "No." Parker is that your foot? "No" It's super funny when he nods his head and then says no...he also likes to come up to me when I am eating something he looks at me with the sweetest face and says "biiiite." And because I am the loving mommy I am - I give him one! Oh and every time he's pushing something on the floor it's "vooooooooommmmm." He likes to dance some and he loves Sesame Street. He loves books...he makes me read every one he owns.

3) Me
Well, I am doing well. I got to talk to my OB/GYN today about what I face if I get pregnant again ********WE ARE NOT PREGNANT AND WE ARE NOT CURRENTLY TRYING********** As it turns out I will have to see a High Risk Doc. if/when I do get pregnant again. But she would like me to lose several lbs. and get off my anti-depressant. My goal is to kick myself into gear and start exercising and doing portion control..ect. I am considering joining spark people. Please pray for me as I work on this. I want to be healthy if/when I get pregnant again...and even if not. I am overweight.

I got my hair done today. It's so nice to have such lovely hair again. It's colored and cut and smells so good and is so soft. It's been a while since I have had it colored so I treated myself. I went to a beauty college so it was cheap-arific. Took a while because they have to take their time and then an instruct has to ok it...but it was so worth it.

I am obsessed with the Duggar's. Not that I want 19 kids (I don't - I want 2) but I just appreciate their program more, since I have started watching it more. I am reading their book, I made their tater tot casserole (yum) and then I am planning to watch their special about their newest little one. (Their 19th was a preemie). Emotionally, I feel like it will be hard, but good for me to watch. I wish I had a calm soul like Michelle...I mean the woman never yells...me I do everyday - at Parker...ok not yell but talk with a stern voice.

4) Other things
Our church is turning 3 years old this week. Can you believe it. We just started 3 years ago and we already have an average attendance of 100 kids a week and 500 adults. God is so good.

I think that's all I have friends...until the next time I have something interesting to say...

In Awe

Church today was Ah-mazing. We discussed worship - more specific, transformative worship. Making God your top priority and worshiping in Awe of God. The cool thing about awe is - its not something that is self generated. We talked alot about being in awe - in awe of buildings, stunts, ect. Pastor Mike had a video he wanted to show us, unfortunately, it disappeared, but I did find it on you tube. I watch it just not and it was just one of those things. I didn't have to fake my Awe, it was there...and how could it not be? Once you see this video you understand...it makes me wonder how anyone can not believe in God.



Enjoy.

The other point Pastor Mike made was how in today's society we dumb God down, we put limits on Him and therefore put limits on our worship to him. If our worship is misdirected, it hurts us. It's quite sad actually.

I want to seek God and worship Him without limits. I want to allow worshipping Him to change me...I am a sinner, I am not perfect, but with God, I have hope. And that hope has gotten me through so much.

"This is what the LORD Almighty says: 'Administer true justice; show mercy and compassion to one another. Do not oppress the widow or the fatherless, the alien or the poor. In your hearts do not think evil of each other.' Zechariah 7:9-10

Just Breathe

Well, as promised I am back after the craziness of Christmas to update you on how things are. I decided to entitle this, "Just Breathe" for several reasons, but mostly because I need to be and just breathe. It's been a VERY busy month and it was topped off with an amazing program at Vista where we saw over 2,000 people come over three performances to hear the story of Hope! It was truly amazing. I cried some because of just how powerful it felt just being in the choir on stage. There was a very special testimony that I would love for you to watch. It's from Billy and Amy and it's just moving! It's the story of Hope. And it's beautiful.

We had several friend and family come into town to see the program and enjoyed spending time with all of them!

The Monday before Christmas I had to take Parker to the ER. He was having breathing issues and his albuterol was not at all helping. It was scary, but he's ok now. He does have asthma and so we will be learning more about how to deal with that. I won't lie, I am not happy about it, but I am thankful that it is nothing more serious.

Drew's parents came out for Christmas and we enjoyed having them around. I enjoyed them taking care of Parker for me. Christmas was great, we all got some wonderful presents. Some of my favs include: my Colts Snuggie! (Go Blue!), a hand made scarf, a scarf Drew got me at Forever 21 (it's so pretty), and a picture frame that says meow and has a picture of my kitty. I miss her :(

Parker got some great gifts...and enjoys all of them! Also, please be praying for Tabatha and Logan, he's been super sick and they are currently at the ER. I wish I knew how to help her.

So I think I am going to go and just breathe and be. If I don't say it before Friday - Happy New Year. I hope you have a blessed 2010

In which a title doesn't explain it...

God is really working in my life right now and while it took me FOREVER to see it, I am so glad I finally open up my eyes to all the good things he is doing. A couple weeks ago I wrote about issues I was going through and made you all sit here and wonder, what the HECK is up with her, and if you didn't...oh well! Well, little did I know God was doing something - he's always doing something - and I tend to be completely blind at first. Who isn't?

First of all, lets say those issues - GONE! Even better than that - it was all in my head! YES! I knew I was going crazy! :) It's so funny to me now, looking back, a lot of the issues with the issues were created by me - not stepping up and listening when I should have been. Yah, I like to think I am in charge - but God has other plans.

I have realized a lot over the past 2 days that God has really blessed me! I mean I knew it but now, now I KNOW it...and all it took was a sermon, 2 bonfires and an email! :) (and a partridge in a pear tree).

Pastor Mike's sermon this sunday was about God rocking our world. He discussed Act 16 - in which Paul and Silas were in jail. It really hit me as Pastor Mike talked about how they waited. Waiting for me - well lets say I am not a waiter...I am impatient...yet here this innocent men are, in jail, and rather than giving in and giving up and walking away, they waited. I mean...they could have just been like, "ok God, seriously, we are SO over this.." but they didn't. They waited until God has accomplished what he wanted and then they left. Pastor Mike brought up the thought, ya know, after the earthquake the doors were open....P and S could have just left while the guard slept - but nooooo, they stayed, they waited. WHAT? I mean, awesome. I have to admit, God has really rocked my world in my life...and I will also admit that there have been some incidents in which I did not wait...and I regret that. But the times I stayed and waited and saw what God had in store - man, they did rock my world. This sermon seriously just hit me...in a good way.

Sunday evening was the Vista staff bonfire at our friend's the Webbs. God opened up my eyes during the bonfire. See, these are people that most of the time I only spend time with at church or church functions. For example Pastor Mike's awesome wife - see I have only ever seen her at something church related - rather a actual sunday service, choir practice or program. It was cool for me to see her in a new way - like any other women...I am so used to her being the illusive Tammy Smith, wife of the pastor...but I tend to forget she's just like me. It was good for me to see her and others in the relaxed environment. As I sat with these amazing people...it hit me, God has placed some amazing people in my life...I am VERY fortunate. I left that evening very content and thrilled to call these people my friends.

Then last night...bonfire #2. This was with my old life group. And once again I realized - I have been blessed with amazing friends. It was great to see Parker playing with the other kids and friends. My son has some very special friends in that group. I am so glad he is going to grow up knowing them. The bonfire last night made me miss that life group...i mean, it seems like this group has been through a lot together and these are friends that I will have for a long time. We have invested in each other a lot and it's good to know that we all connect well. Once again - God showed me what I hadn't been seeing.

Then this morning - I received an email. I am not sure if I have posted it on here, but I have been praying for a while to make friends in my apartment complex. See, this complex is full of young families and we have lived here a year now and I knew no one really. I got to know the couple below us a bit, but they moved out in June and I ended up feeling very lonely. I didn't know anyone, I was too shy to put myself out there, even though it wouldn't have been that hard. Well about a month ago, maybe a little longer a new couple moved in below us. They have a little boy and I decided to take them some cookies when they were moving in. We talked a bit and introduced ourselves to each other. Then nothing - we didn't really see each other much and when we did, it was more of a hi - bye deal. After we got back from vacation in Sept. they brought us some cookies and thanked us for welcoming them. Then again - nothing...hi-byes. Until last week. I was sitting here watching some Tv and Parker was napping - there was a knock on my door. It was S, the mom, asking me if I would like to go on a walk with her and her son. Parker was napping, but I told her that once he woke up, we'd join her. We went on a walk around the complex and got to know each other. We discussed maybe hosting play groups with some others in complex and evening getting together to have dinner. I emailed her to thank her for the walk and invite her to my Mommies and Munchkins group and didn't hear back from her. I tried not to let it bother me, but it did and I felt like maybe I had made a bad impression or something. Well this morning I got an email from her. She was genuinely happy to meet me and wanted to try to get together weekly to talk and what not.

I don't know why I sit here blind to God's provisions and blessings and direction, but I am going to start watching and looking for those opportunities more.

God is like cool and stuff!

Following the Leader

God's been up to something recently in the Northern household and it is great to see His direction coming to fruition. For a while now Drew and I have been praying, seeking God's wisdom and desiring to host our own life group (some call it small group) but didn't really know anything other than the desire. We've kind of just been waiting on the right time or a clear "Go" to do so. Well, God's been up to something.

See, our church has been multiplying - there are a lot more young families now and there are ones that are desiring more connections with others. It's great to see our church having such a positive affect in the community. Being the administrative assistant for the kids community, I see weekly how our kids community is impacted by the growth of our church and the new families coming in to visit or even join. I do attendance weekly and I add at least one new family a week as a visitor and I see a lot continue to come back - it's awesome. It's a positive thing for me to be able to pour into these families through the Kids Community and now, God is leading Drew and I in another way we can pour into these families.

Through Life Group!

I have been a part of a life group now for almost 2 years (maybe less - it's been at least a year) and I have loved every. single. moment. of the time I have spent with this group of young families. I am BLESSED to call them my friends and am thankful that we were able to be in a group together. Our leaders of our group - the S.1 family, have been amazing to us. They have poured into us and the rest of the families in this group. The entire group and many other people outside of it came along side us when Parker was born. It was then that I knew what it was like to have a family other than my parents. I have a church family who loves me and my family and I am thankful for that. Anyways, back to the group. Our kids our growing up together and will always (I hope anyway) remain close and remain friends.

It's great that young families are multiplying, sadly, though, we haven't had a lot of life groups that have met that age group. Until this time. Our group is happily multiplying (I refuse to say breaking apart - because it's good, not bad!) and we are going to be helping out our friends the S. 2 family (another family that starts with S) in another group! I guess you could say kind of like co-leaders, though are names aren't officially on the sign up sheet, we plan to be be a part of this group and invest very much in the new families that come into it. Some of the families I will know, others, are new at church and I am excited to be able to come along S 2 family and help lead and love on these other families.

God has really been preparing Drew and I for this moment - and while no, we aren't the actual leaders it's great practice and training for one day actually leading our own. Personally, I am not this big public speaker person - I get flustered and forget what I am going to say, use strange words, or forget what word I want to use. But I have been getting better. I feel like my role with the Kids Community has started setting me up for that, as well as other experiences. I want to be the blessing to someone that the S. 1 family and other families in our LG have been to us.

So for those of you reading this from our LG, consider this our official announcement that we are helping to start another LG and we are so excited! We will miss everyone and our weekly get together, but we still plan to be a part of your lives as often as we can! This doesn't mean we can't talk anymore, just means we will see a little less of each other.

I look forward to seeing what God has in store for the new LG and I can't wait to meet new people.

God is so good!

Prayer Requests

Hi Friends,

Don't have a lot to say really. it's been a long few days - and I have a couple of prayer requests to share with you.

First, please pray for our family as we mourn the death of Drew's aunt Sharon. She's been ill for quite some time and passed away yesterday afternoon. Please pray for Gary, her husband and children Mindy and Tommy as well as the rest of the family and friends.

Also, please be in pray for a family in my church. The 16 year old boy was hit by a car on Friday evening and is in serious, but stable condition. He has a head injury and some broken bones. He has a long road to recovery and is obviously in a lot of pain.

Thanks guys! I don't expect that I will post again for awhile as we are heading to Indiana for Sharon's services.

Because He Loves Me....

I am going to be honest for a moment - I am having a flare up of my PPD. This allergy stuff with Parker/just general lies of satan have really really been getting to me recently. Sunday, we finished up our sermon series on Psalm 23 and we ended with a discussion on God being enough. I am really really good at forgetting this. Our pastor shared a song with us that his wife put in the cd player in the car. What the pastor says just really gets me, it's not even the song - it's both really, but especially what the pastor says.



Right around the 1:25 minute mark is what I am talking about. It really hit home for me. I seem to think that God only loves me if I am perfect or only if I am good. I love when it says, "He won't love you any better if you become better..." I mean, I figured, God will only love me 100% when I am 100%. But it doesn't matter...HE LOVES ME BECAUSE HE LOVES ME BECAUSE HE LOVES ME.

I am trying to live that out and remember that daily, but I am not going to lie, it's so hard. satan lies to me, he plays on my negative frailty. He knows when I am at my lowest and makes me feel even lower. Why do I listen to his stupid, pathetic lies. Well because when I am down at my lowest, I believe anything.

See, I thought that my PPD had gone away. I can't even begin to tell you how happy I have been. I even attempted (in June) to wean off my meds. But when I got to my lowest dose, I could not function. I had no engery, no desire to do anything and I neglected poor Parker. I quickly called the dr. and decided that it would be best to stay on. It scares me, to know that I need this pills right now, ya know? But I know that I need it and I am working though it. I see now that my PPD is not gone! Yes, I am generally happier and much more normal, but there are things that trigger my intense feelings of sadness.

Recently, as I said above, it has been dealing with Parker's allergy stuff. I am so mad that he may have allergies, because I don't want to deal with having to work around them. How completely selfish is that? I feel like it's the worst thing ever, but I know it's not. It just allergies, he can be on meds, he could grow out of some of them. While at this point we still don't have his results, it doesn't matter, it can be worked around. Also recently, I have been really hard on myself. I hate how I look, I hate my body, I hate my hair...I just hate it all. And I know God loves me how I am - looks and all. I also know that He made me this way for a reason, but I am tired of it. I have desires to be able to shop at Target and fit into clothes that aren't followed by x's. I want to be able to go into the Gap and enjoy the outfits there. I want my hair to not be so thick and annoying.

And then Sunday comes around and pastor shares the cd of the above video. Wow, I mean talk about a reminder. Monday night I have a melt down about parker's allergies and such and my husband shows me this:



I mean really? It's like God is orchestrating something here. Two songs that really really hit home for me and help me. I get it...

- He loves me because he loves me because he loves me - no matter what.
- He is jealous for me...really, he is jealous for me, lil' ol me! Wow

Thank you God, for loving me - faults, sadness, and all!

My Famous Friends...

Please meet the Tavinao family!


I have had the privilege of knowing this beautiful family for 3 years now and I adore each of them. Gabe and Marla and their 3 daughters, Livi, Ava and Nina just make my heart so happy. Gabe is an amazing website designer. He has designed not only both his and Marla's personal blogs, but also our church's as well as many many others. And Marla, oh man, where do I start when it comes to this woman. Her heart is so big and she is lovely. She is a writer that has written From Blushing Bride to Wedded Wife, Is That All He Thinks About, Changing your World, One Diaper at a Time, and her most recent Expecting. She is one of the sweetest and caring people I know. She has cheered me up and offered advice to me many a time. Their girls, the cutest stinking girls ever! (though they don't stink).

Just a normal american family, living in a normal american town, trusting God always and loving Him even more. A family who also loves to take pictures (I borrowed the one above) and who love animals. So when they decided to do 52 Zoos in 52 Weeks and Marla wanted to right a book about it, I wasn't too surprised. And they did it too, last Saturday was the big zoo 52 and we had a party at our home zoo here in Columbus.

Now all of a sudden, this family is being thrown into the spotlight. 10tv, one of our local stations started this and boy has it become a big thing. Being featured on the internet and this Saturday being able to share their story LIVE on the early show. I mean really?

I am so proud of them. Marla keeps posting tweets and what not about trusting God and this being bigger than what they had expected and that's true! God is certainly up to something and I am so glad to know this family and watch them share the Lord even if they aren't able to come right out and say it (though they normally do!)

And hey, now I can say I have famous friends, right? I am so thankful to know them and so thankful to see them representing God like they are and I pray that this publicity will be for God's glory!

I love you guys and I am rooting for you!

Here is the 52 Zoos info!

And enjoy getting to know my friends! They are like awesome and stuff!

Holy Cow God!

I apologize for me lack of updates as of recent. Part of that stems from the lack of motivation and desire to blog right now, the other part stems from the amount of time I have been in prayer over some doors that have opened as well as just having a toddler and being sick and busy.

I am hoping - and I do really hope - to do better at updating more and blogging more. My mind has just been a jumbled mess of trying to figure some things out, accepting some things, working with Parker on things, ect.

I want to tell you how God is opening doors in my life and really pushing me past some serious boundaries. One of these things I just can't put out there yet until it goes through and such, but lets just say, God is providing in a way I never thought.

The other way, well, that's different, because I need you all to pray for me. I have told you all for a while now that I have been praying about going to Cambodia with my church on a missions trip at some point. I will say, I am still seeking his will 100%, but unless something changes, I feel with no doubt that he his will is that I go to Cambodia on a trip. I would be really surprised if this doesn't work out.

But the truth of the matter is - I. Am. Terrified. I have never been overseas, the only other countries I have been too are Mexico and Canada and I didn't fly to Canada. I mean, like, this is WAY out of my comfort zone, yet, I am at peace. I am terrified of planes, yet, at peace about that. I am terrified of not finding any food I want....yet, I am at peace about that. I mean, whoa! It's a total God thing!

If you could just pray that details work out, that would be great. I don't know when the next trip is, but it sounds like it may be Jan or Feb. But there is a lot to do between now and then, like, get a passport! Also, we will need to work out child care for Parker, as well, I don't think Drew can take that much time off. And there are many others, but until I know more about the trip itself, I don't know what all it is. I assume I will be getting shots - so if you can pray for my fear of needles that would be great - you'd think they wouldn't phase me anymore after all I went through with Parker - but ha, no such luck. I still hate them! I am excited, yet scared, but God is really just working in me and I love it.

Ok, so well, that's all I have for now....

My Weekend Review!

Well hello there. First of all, to all who left me encouragement yesterday, THANK YOU! Stupid satan is like a virus and he made me sick yesterday - but today, I am better. I think I need a little more meds to knock the satan virus, but I feel a ton better. I want to say that I know my friends love me for me and are not my friends out of obligation - and I love them too, so very much! :)

Moving on...

This past weekend was BUSY! Thursday, my in laws got in town and we were able to relax and eat some KFC and just chill!

Friday was busy - we got up and headed to the zoo. It was so fun and cool, which was nice! We took a lot of pictures (all are still on the camera - as I am bad a dumping it!) I even got some fun pictures of the tigers. If you know anything about the Columbus Zoo, you know that the tiger exhibit has a big glass wall so when the tigers walk by, it's like you can touch them. Tigers are so beautiful! Parker liked watching them and touching the goats and watching the geese! We packed a lunch and enjoyed that. I yelled at two kids throwing rocks at a goose - no parents in site, so I said something! I can't stand when parents don't control their kids. Ugh - Parker helped me feed the lorikeets - he loved it!

After the zoo we came home and slept. We were all very very tired! After the nap we headed out to Marcella's up near Polaris. Friday was my mother in laws birthday, so we took her there. I got my gnocchi Bolognese (gnocchi with lamb basically!). After we got some cheesecake at the cheesecake factory, came home and played games. I kicked everyone's booty in Life - oh yah, I started as an artist with 10,000 to my name and 60,000 in loans. I ended with 1.5 million as a doctor. Too bad it's not real life! :) I think my favorite thing was my father in law - he didn't go to college, became an athlete, was beating us all in money, had a mobile home and then had a midlife crisis and lost most his money! Oh Pete, you make me smile :) We watched Red, White and Boom on TV.

Saturday was so much fun. We met Tabatha and Logan down in Hilliard for the Hilliard 4th of July Parade. it was a fun parade. The boys seemed to like it a lot and it was fun to feel like a big family with Tabatha and Logan, because honestly, they may as well be our family! The parade was long and fun and I got to pet a beautiful dog! By the end though, Parker and Logan were tuckered out, so we headed home and rested, Drew and his dad went and saw transformers and mom and I stayed home. I made a flag cake and watched Clean House (I am not addicted to the show!) I made Ham and Cheese Veggie Lasagna and we had fun just staying in that night.

Sunday - oh sunday. I was in charge of Kids Ministry. I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off. Church was good, the whole 20 minutes I was actually in service that is, and I think for the most part, Kid's stuff went well. Both Amber and Cindy (the director and sunday manager) were gone. Being that I used to be heavily involved, I stepped in. It was hard because our normal classrooms were blocked off because of resurfacing, so we ended up scattered around. I had to make some executive decisions and make sure it was all going ok. I certainly am glad I don't do it all the time, but I did my best!

After church, we went out to eat with Mom and Dad and they headed back to Buffalo, we came home and did nothing all day!

Tomorrow - some pictures!

Tidbits: Hopes and Dreams, Revisiting Kids Bop, This week

Another Tidbit Post:

1) Hopes and Dreams

"You can say I'm a dreamer, but I am not the only one..." I have a lot on my heart recently, Good stuff, but a lot. My hopes and dreams grow daily. And one hope and dream and I am praying about working out is going to Cambodia next year to visit the orphanage that Vista sponsors. Our church is very connected to Asia's Hope, a wonderful ministry that offers hope to orphans! Our church has helped to build an orphanage home in Cambodia. We have a missionary over there currently, a lovely lady from our church that has been there for 10+ months and who will be home for a little bit at the end of this week and then returning back! We have sent many over to visit the orphanage and our children. Jen updates about them here: Asian Vista. Last Christmas, I completely fell in love with the kids when during our Christmas program we were able to do online talk through Skype during the program. Those kids are lovely and precious and I so want to go hug each one. Recently, my heart is being tugged on and I am praying about going on a trip to Cambodia the next time we as a church send some another Vista group. To be honest, this SCARES ME TO DEATH! 1) I mean, it's Cambodia - a completely different world than here. 2) Loooong flight, the furthest I've flown was to Cancun (and I cried a lot because I hate planes!) 3) I am worried about pretty much everything - health, food, will I do ok, blah blah blah. 4) I don't have a passport! I am sure if it is meant to be it will all come together, but to be honest. it all just makes me nervous.

2) Revisiting Kidz Bop

Once again, I have a bone to pick with whoever created this silly CD. Do you really think putting today's pop/rock hits to kids music makes it all better? I mean, have you HEARD the songs in real life? Just because you put them to some cotton candy music and maybe change one or two words, doesn't make it any more appropriate! I can tell you right now, Parker will never own one of those CD's, or Heely's for that matter, but that's a whole other post!

3) This Week

So this week is looking like a fun week. I think later after Parker is awake, he and I are going to meet Tabatha and Logan at the park and hang out for the afternoon! I am so excited! I need to get out of this house. Tomorrow, I have Mommies and Munchkins and thankfully it won't be as hot as the other day when I almost passed out. I am looking forward to it. Wed, we have to run up to the Vista office so that I can make copies. As well as we are going to go over to Crissy's so mommy gets some girl time and I am going to bring Parker's little pool and I'm gonna let him "swim." Thursday is going to be nuts, mommies and munchkins in the morning, then Drew and I are going to go to Easton to do some thinking through stuff. That evening my in laws will be here. Friday, is my mom in law's birthday, we are going to go to the zoo, hang out, play games and then take her to dinner and then Saturday is the 4th - we are going to a parade, and the fireworks later in the day. Sunday, church!

Oh yah, busy busy, so please understand if my posts aren't that thrilling this week!

Oh can you say a prayer for me, I am going to be calling my Dr. today about my anti-depressant and also, calling for a counselor. I'm a little nervous about that!

Thank You!

God is so good!

First of all, to anyone who read this and prayed (you know who you are) - THANK YOU!

I know it seems silly, but sometimes I simply need the reminder that I am Parker's mommy for a reason!

God has worked out some of the knots in my soul that were there last night, granted - I still feel pretty lousy, but I know I am not alone, I know I am a good mom (even if Parker just totally cut his arm on the side of our bookcase - builds character right?) I can't protect him 100% of the time. I know that. I also know that I do what he needs me too - even if I doubt myself. It's lies! Satan knows how to get in and just spread icky seeds everywhere.

I realized something today. I have family here in Columbus (and spread out everywhere). No, we aren't blood related, but I do have family here. i love them all! Each one brings something extra to the table and each one holds a special place in my heart. I am so fortunate to have a HUGE extended Christian family. They are amazing, gifted and totally awesome! One of my family members - Crissy, she's like the big sister who's older and wiser than I, she was awesome today. Parker had a meltdown today, very unusual for him, and ended up being in the service with me. I sat with Crissy and her family and when he started acting up, she let me stay in service while she took him in the hallway! it was great to not have to do it myself and get a break for once. Another friend Marla, wrote me the sweetest note, I read it when I got home, tears streaming down my face (even if it was few words!) I just REALLY needed it.

I have to admit, I am very much a word of affirmation person. I don't know if I didn't get enough support and praise growing up, but something that REALLY feeds my soul is getting those words of affirmation/encouragement. Sometimes, all I need is words - it is I think my top Love Language!

I am better today! Much better. My soul is hurting and I am running low on happy, but I am getting there. God is giving me outlets, friends, songs, just really speaking to me right now.

Tomorrow, I am calling my Dr. back about my anti-depressant, as I know I need it right now. I need to seek some counseling too.

Things are looking up -

Moving on to a couple random things.
- I get my iphone tonight! Drew upgraded his, so I get his old one! Oh yah, I am excited.
- Billy Mays died - seriously, is there something in the hollywood water or something?
- Busy week ahead - my in laws will be here Thurs - Sunday. Super fun though.

ok, that's it! Enjoy the rest of your "Rest" day - Sunday!

God is Nifty

***EDIT*** PLEASE BE PRAYINGParker's NICU buddy Logan is currently in the ER, he has a high temp and has been having breathing issues. It's a scary time for his momma Tabatha. Last I heard at about 4:15 pm EST he was getting an x-ray and was ordered 3 breathing treatments. Logan is a precious boy, who has been through a lot in the past year. (For those who don't know, Parker and Logan were born 12 hours apart (P was born 1st) they were they same gestation, same birthday, same reason (HELLP Syndrome) and Tabatha and I connected through the NICU. Oh and their beds were beside each other!)
***END EDIT***

Wow, I am on a role with these God filled posts all of a sudden! Oh well, I can't help it, my faith has grown a lot in the last year and each day I am truly reminded of just how stinking cool God and also - pretty darn creative too!

Today - at the zoo - I would look at the animals and it would just strike my how unbelievably cool they are. I've been to the Columbus Zoo several times, but I never get past the amazement as I watch the most precious baby elephant in the world play with his mommy, or watch a silly monkey laying in the share eating branches. I love to tell Parker about these cool animals, even if he is more interested in eating his hat. It just astounds me. Truly.

It makes me seriously wonder how people don't believe in God. But that's just me.

You know why else God is nifty - He provides. I swear there are days I wonder how we survive with little money and bills, but he provides - always. Last year, we weren't sure what would come of Parker's birth/hospital stay/shots/dr. visits ect - I won't go into how much it's been (we'll just say A LOT! - no not a million - but a lot) and we have only paid maybe .3% our of pocket! SERIOUSLY, how fortunate we have been and I truly do believe that is a God thing. Yes, we have insurance, which sure, isn't necessarily a God thing, but considering all that we've been through - I feel very fortunate.

God continues to provide - we've found an Occupational Therapist that we will be seeing - currently we are on a waiting list - apparently OT and PT are in high demand! We have also been able to pay off one of our cars and we haven't had any overdraft charges in months (yes, that's right folks, we have had that problem.)

I just think God is doing such amazing amazing things! In my life, in the world, in my church and I am thankfully to have hope in Him!

Ok, stepping back from this God talk for today!

Hope you are having a wonderful hump day! :)

A Little Tangent

I have a little tangent I would like to discuss. Why, well because I want to gloat about my church. Well not so much gloat as just share with you while I am proud to call myself a member of Vista Community Church.

1) Our Minister: Mike Smith is hysterical. Great guy and really just something else. He will rightfully admit that he had no intentions of being the preacher of this church, but boy has God blessed him. In the two and a half years I've known him, I have seen him grow in his speaking capabilities. He does such a great job delivering the message each week and he almost always adds in a little humor. That's just him though!

2) Our Staff: Seriously, they don't get any better, from the quirky adorable Mary Kate to the awesomely talented Justin, to the practical fun loving Brain, to my personal fav. Amber (ok so maybe she is because I work with her a lot!) the precious! I love our staff! And believe, me there are more - Cindy, our Kids Community director (whom I worked with from day 1 to help get this kids stuff off the groung) she is a beautiful human being. I adore her.

3) Worship: I pretty much leave church EVERY week pumped. I could sing and worship for hours at that place. We have an incredible amount of talented musicians, drummers, guitar rocking individuals in our church. And worship each week is just awesome. I am never bored and I love the types of songs we sing! Oh man, seriously a lot of times I almost break out in dance each week. I tend to twitch to the music alot because they rock it. Seriously - oh man... INCREDIBLE! I wish you could all hear it. I really really do!

4) Kids Community: So I may be tooting my own horn here a bit since I've been pretty involved with this area since the beginning, but I can't help it. We have a wonderful paid staff that works with our kids every week. We also have wonderful volunteers that help out each week. I love being a part of this kids community, putting my 2 cents in here and there and developing the curriculum for the toddlers. I ADORE MY TODDLERS! It's really a happy place for me! And i am pretty sure the kids love it.

5) My friends: I have an amazing group of friends at church. I have a life group I can't get enough of. I love that everyone is nice and even people I may not know well invest in me and my family. I never feel hated or unloved, in fact, I feel way over loved at times. It truly is a church of very loving people.

I just can't get enough of my church. I don't know why I am feeling led to write this tonight. I just really love it. We just recently launched a new website, that is a lot more user friendly than our old one and we are really growing as a church. We have grown a lot for a church of our size. I love that our church cares about the community and wants to get involved. Just these past two weeks we've been talking about Social Justice and Multi-Cultural Churches. It's fascinating really.

i am really blessed to call Vista my church home. I am really blessed to be a part of the kids community and blessed to have been allowed to develop a curriculum for the toddler room. I love it!

God is so good. And I am thankful for that!

Mother's Day Memories

For a first mother's day, today turned out great and I will have such wonderful memories of today's events.

Today, I got to dedicate my son and his raising to the Lord. I want to raise my son in a Godly home and show him Christ. Today I got to go that with my life group friends (all dedicating a child) and my family visiting.

Today, I got to hold my precious toddler as he slept in my arms! Last time he did that was when he was in the hospital for his "asthma" issues. That was the best mother's day gift ever.

Today, I got to spend Mother's day with not only Drew and Parker, but also my mom and her husband, my in-laws, my grandma, my sister and my brother. (And the best part they all got along.

Today, our friends, Crissy and Brian prayed over us and committed to helping us with Parker and being great friends and helping us with our walk with the Lord.

Today, I got chocolate and flower pots and cards and hugs!

Today, I got a life group picture with all of us (loved it!)

Today, has been one of the best days of my life. I am so thankful that I am a mom and that Parker is my son and that he is special and a miracle and perfect!

Today - Is mother's day!

A Big 'Ol Update

Hello Friends,

I feel like I have not been around much to update this blog. I apologize, things have been a little crazy in my life recently! But I am happy to report that today, I have an update for all of you - and a good one at that!

PARKER

The Critter is doing awesome! He is a little ball of energy that keeps us very busy now-a-days. He is 9 months old now. Just typing that is strange. I can not believe he is just 3 months away from being a year old. It was just about this time last year that I felt my first flutter and now, that little flutter is a beautiful baby boy. He is almost able to sit up on his own now. He does do it, but not for long - maybe a minute or two. He is rolling all over the place, scooting on the floor a little too. He is doing so well! He is such a good boy.

THIS PAST WEEKEND!

This past weekend was a great one - although it has left my insanely tired. My hubby had a 5 day weekend and so we got to enjoy lot of time together. Friday, as you all know, I got my hair chopped off and I do still love it. Yesterday, though I was ready to shave my head, the stupid wind made my hair be more poofy than normal, but I think, even with this hair cut, it looked fine! I did also burn my neck on the curling iron! Ow!

Saturday was a long day. It started with choir practice at 9 am. We are going to be singing some AWESOME songs this Easter! I love them! They are fun and so worthy of goosebumps. I had a hard time making it through practice, just because I was tired and I don't do so well being up early in the morning - and add in having to sing...yah, not a pretty picture!

After practice I headed over to Panera and got myself prepared for a meet up with some fellow bloggers from the area. I tell you what, these ladies where lovely and gave me some amazing insight into blogging and taking it to another level. I was able to meet 5 other blogging moms.
- Ali from Blessed Treehouse was one of them, I know her in real life though, we go to church together, were in a small group together and are good friends. But of course, I have to include her...because well, like the other women, she is incredible!
- Sandy from Organize with Sandy. She can come organize my horribly unorganized home anytime :)
- Lacie from Peanut Butter and Pickle Reviews. She as well as the others helped me learn a lot about making blogging more than just updates.
- Ellen from Thrifty and Chic Mom. She introduced me to the world of couponing - which I intend to start. She also gave me great insight into other things related to blogging as well.
- And finally Christina from A Mommy Story. Another lovely women, who sadly I didn't get a lot of time to know, but the talking we did do, was fun!
It was great to connect with other women who have been doing this longer or have made it a bigger part of their life. I want to learn more and not only have this blog, but another one.

Saturday evening, Drew and I were able to go over to our friend's the B's house and have a fun night of games with them and their kiddos. We were introduced to the world of Sorry Sliders and Uno Flash! Talk about fun! We love this family and are so thankful for their friendship. They are even going to be praying over us when we dedicate Parker at church (May 10, 10:30am if you want to come!)

Sunday, yesterday, was another long day! We went to church, I didn't get to be in the actual service, I was in the nursery, but we started the 40 days before Easter stuff. I heard the sermon was great - I do know the set up was awesome...I will have to post a picture of our stage, but to give you an idea...a cross, a HUGE chain link fence in front of it and "stuff" blocking the way. It looked great! And my stroller, blanket and christmas tree were used. The creative team at our church is AWESOME! After church was a membership meeting which we went to. I think we were techinally already members (we've been with VIsta since day 1) but they were basically putting it in writing now, because have grown so much in two years! It was a good meeting.

After church we dropped Parker off at Mandi's and she watched him while Drew and I went to a movie - "He's just not that into you." Really good movie, really really good!

THE OTHER BLOG

I mentioned this some on Sat. But I am hoping, planning, thinking of, making another blog. I will keep this one of course and it will be my personal one, but I really want to do one where I can reach more people, where I can do giveaways, reviews, ect. Make it more of a specific blog (much like Ellen, which is mostly about saving money...or Lacie's which is all about reviewing). I am hoping to do one that reaches out to others who have a preemie, are going through the NICU experience, are going to go through it, went through it, brought home a preemie, ect. It's on my heart to reach out to parents who went through or who are going through what I went through. There are a lot of us out there and I want to make a place for them to come and feel like they aren't the only ones. That's really all I know. I don't want to be a huge giveaway or review site, though I certainly plan to do a little bit here and there. I just feel so stuck...I don't know how to bring it into fruition. So pray that I can really start to hunker down and figure it out. Also, if you have an idea of a name, let me know, because I am not sure what to name it either. I'd like it to be welcoming to all parents if possible, giving tips that we all can use (much like my recent discussions on mommy guilt!). I had the though of a name like "Small Miracles" but I am not at all set on it and I want the name to reflect that is more than that...I just feel stuck.

Along with this, I am planning to learn more about hosting ad's, affiliate programs, ect. My mind is a hot mess.

MOMMY GUILT ROUND UP!

I finished the book I was reading - "Motherhood, the Guilt that keeps on giving." I learned a lot and am thinking of (eventually) doing a giveaway of the book. Tomorrow, I plan to post on the things I learned and share some insight from the final chapters of the book. I tell you what, I have really learned what real vs. fake guilt looks like (although it can still be hard sometimes to not give into the fake guilt).

Check out the new book I am reading!

IN CLOSING

I want to say that I am so thankful for this blog, a place where I can share and learn and meet new people. It's great to have a community like this. You all are such a blessing to me, seriously! I am thankful for you! VERY VERY thankful! :)

Have a great day!