Mother's Day Recap

Mommies out there - I hope you all had a wonderful Mother's Day! I know mine was super special and I had a great day. Here is a recap of the day.

Mother's day started out like a normal Sunday. Got up, got dressed, usual routine with Parker, ate, headed to church. Church was good. We had baby dedications and the sermon was good as well. Drew had left for church earlier than me to help with set up and such, so when I got there, i was surprised by this:



It a reusable cup from Starbucks, I LOVE IT! He had it filled with my favorite drink - Green Tea Lemonade Sweetened. MMMM. He also presented me with a $15 itunes card. Probably to get me off his back for wanting some new songs on my iphone. (Kidding!) However, it was hard to pick just 15 songs...I had a long list. But I narrowed it down. Can't wait to have those on my phone tonight!

After church we had cake and punch for the families who had their child dedicated. I then came home and was surprised - Again. Mandi was here, she has a spare key from way back when she took care of our cat for us. She came over while we were at church and cleaned the apartment some. She also set up my Mother's Day surprise. It was honestly very nice to come home and have a clean living room that had been swept. On my dining room table were a balloon bouquet, some flowers and a few gift boxes. In the smallest box was a beautiful necklace from Mandi. It was blue, my favorite color! I unfortunately don't have a picture of it right now, but I will take one soon. In the big box was my gift from Parker. It was by far the best gift I think I have ever received. (Next to him ;) of course!) It was this beautiful hand made plate with his hand print on it....see



I think it might be the best personalized gift I have received. Well, not sure though, because I also adore my personalized necklace with PArker's name on it I got last year. Anyways. I love it. His hands are special to me - when he was in the NICU, I help his hands a LOT, when we would kangaroo he would always massage my chest with his hands, one time he laid on his hand it made a red imprint on my skin over my heart! Anytime I need a hug, he always reaches out to me with his hands. So for me to receive this gift with his hand print on it, well, it met the world to me. It's a very special gift and a huge surprise because I didn't see it coming. I cried a bit. But that's ok, because it met I was happy!

After opening the gifts Drew took a nap since he had been sick the past few days, Parker took a nap and Mandi and I well, we talked and watched Mythbusters. We spent the afternoon resting and relaxing and playing with Parker. At dinner time we headed to:


It was fun, though the waiting was kind of long (then again it was Mother's Day!) Oh and while we were waiting to be seated Parker had his first kiss. There was a little girl walking around with her mom - she was a beginner walker, because she had to hold both her mom's hands and she kinda tiptoed. Anyway, they came up near us and Parker was trying to talk to her. She walked right up to him and bam, laid one on him. Parker looked up at me and back at her and she did it again. Everyone around us did what anyone should do - a unison "Awwwww" and then the mom apologized. I told her it was totally fine, no big deal. I mean, it's not like she punched him or something...ya know? It was a little kid being a little kid. I had no issues. I was more concerned she had gotten some of Parker's snot on her since his nose was runny. It was super cute though. And made it an unforgettable day for sure.

The rest of the evening was spent editing wedding photos from the wedding Mandi and I shot. I will share a few tomorrow.

So to say yesterday was awesome - that would be an understatement. Parker, Drew and Mandi made it an incredibly special day for me. I have never felt more special then I did yesterday. It was definitely a mother's day I will never ever forget. Plus, now I have it all in writing...teehee.

I hope yours was a good one too!

The Baby # 2 Issue

I need prayer because I am just going batty right now. I am feeling this overwhelming pressure to have another child and I am going to tell you this - as much as I want one, the thought of being pregnant again makes when want to throw up and I start to kind of hyperventilate.

Can you blame me? Considering how my last pregnancy went?

No one is putting this pressure on me except for "myself." And even then, I am pretty sure it's satan's way of getting me where it hurts. I love my friends, all of them, and most have 2 or more kids (or are on their way to that, or have just had a brand new one) and so I supposed you could say society is also putting this pressure on me. None of my friends do it, they know better and they know that it's a touchy subject. I adore them and one of my closest friends even knows the name I would want if I had another one...but I just don't know.

If I could go into a pregnancy knowing 100% that everything would be A-ok and I'd have a "normal" one, I'd jump on that bandwagon, but the truth is, I haven't a CLUE what to expect. I could have a perfect pregnancy or I could have one like Parker's - I just don't know right now. I talked to my OB/GYN when I was there in Jan. and she and I both agreed that I would need to see a high risk doctor first and go from there. Ideally, we'd MAYBE start trying again later this year. However, there are so many things holding me back.

Even now as I type this I am crying...because the overwhelming reality of what I have been through is hitting me, yet again. I can say that God has changed me through all of this, but it doesn't mean I am not scare, worried, terrified, "damaged" by it all. I don't know if other people in my situation ever feel this way - I would assume so. I just still have a lot more healing emotionally to do from his birth.

Not to mention, I'd really like to lose more weight and get healthier before I go getting pregnant again. It would lower my risks of some of the issues I did have - and I am trying to do that. Believe me I am.

Then there's Parker - I want to focus on him and his development. I can't imagine having another preemie, Parker still needing therapy and having to balance all of that.

Besides, right now, I am enjoying being a mom to 1. He's so worth it and I love spending our one on one time...I am not sure I would want that to just go away.

Don't get me wrong, I do want another child. I have always wanted two - a boy and a girl. And to be honest I never wanted them close together anyway. I am the oldest in my family, my brother Phil (next oldest) and I are 3 yrs apart and he and Steph are 4 years apart and she and Brandon are 3 years apart and I like that. I think that's what I want with my kids. I am just in no rush. I also want to adopt, maybe Drew and I will end up pursuing that rather than having one of our own - I don't know.

All I know is that when I feel like I do right now, I turn to blogging and getting it out and more than that - I turn to God, I pray that He give me a peace and just let his will be done. I don't know what his plans are and I know that at anytime he could strike my uterus and boom - baby 2 could be concieved...but that's his decision. He knows what my life looks like, I don't. But I trust him.

And for now, I think I will just enjoy this adorable little 22 month old:



And really, how could I not?

According to Who?

I don't normally draw parallels from pop music, but today on the way home while listening to a non-christian radio station (I know, I'm a heathen - so sue me) a song came on. Now, I've heard it before, i especially LOVE the guitar part, so that's normally why I listen to it, but today I actually listened to the words. Now, in the song, I am sure the girl who sings it is talking about boy a and boy b and love and yadda yadda, but as I listened to the words, it hit me, this kinda describes my relationship with the world (santan) vs. God. The world views me one way and that way leads to me believing HORRIBLE lies, but God, God doesn't see that, nope, the way he sees me is completely different. So here are some of the lyrics...

The song: "According to You" by Orianthi (what a name huh?)

According to you
Im stupid
Im useless
I cant do anything right
According to you
Im difficult
hard to please
forever changing my mind
Im a mess in a dress
cant show up on time
even if it would save my life
According to you, according to you

Now seriously, how many of us don't think the world looks us at this way? And of course satan is great I using these words as lies....I know I often feel stupid, useless....difficult...ect.

Oh, but there's more:

But according to him
Im beautiful
incredible
he cant get me out of his head
According to him
Im funny
irresistable
everything he ever wanted
Everything is opposite ...

Um Hello, God see's us like this. He thinks we are beautiful, stretch marks, beer bellies, pimples and all. God's love is unconditional. And I am quite sure He finds us incredible, irresistable...ect.

And I think my favorite part:

I need to feel appreciated
like Im not hated. oh no
Why cant you see me through his eyes?

Oh yah, take that SATAN! The last line though (to me) should read...Why can't Isee me through His eyes?

Why when I look in the mirror do I not see myself through God's eyes. To Him, I am everything and more, beautiful and special, perfect in every way. But when I look in the mirror, I see fat, ugly, insecure, stupid, useless (not all the time..).

If only we could see ourselves through His eyes and know that according to HIM we are beautiful, incredible, irresistible, ect. Oh the difference it would make to all of us!

Wow, I don't think I will listen to that song the same way now. Maybe I am making this up, but I think the words can be seen in the way I just stated.

So let me ask you: According to who? Who do you see yourself though, Him or the world???

Struggles Shmuggles

I am so frustrated right now and I just want to take evil and his lies and put him in the garbage and throw him away.

Yet....something stops me...

I am letting evil win and I hate that. I HATE it.

Since the conference it seems that satan has been on this mission to ruin everything I learned and make me feel miserable. And I am pretty sure that I am not the only one he's been doing this too. The healing and the strength I got from the conference have helped me to make changes, yet at every friggin' chance he get, satan is hell bent on ruining this healing and strength. And darn it if he isn't really holding me down right now. It's been just over a week since the conference and here I sit, allowing this pathetic little being get into my head with really rather stupid lies.

"She doesn't like you"
"Denise, you don't fit in - don't you see that?"
"Do you really think Parker is that ok, come one, he's tiny...he's never gonna be big, he's gonna get made fun of."
"Your parents don't love you, if they did they'd act like Marsha's parents." (I just made up a name - but I do have specific ones.)
"She is only pretending to be your friend because you have a preemie."
"You are fat, ugly, pathetic and worthless."
"He loves Apple more than you..."
"Winter is here forever...you can't ever go out again...haha...snow forever."

and it goes on and on and on.

I am doing my hardest to combat these lies with truth, but I won't even remotely lie - it's been HARD. Winter is a hard time for me in general. I mean, it's gloomy and cold and wet and snowy and bleck - and when you have depression and are trying so HARD to not give into the "oh, blankie, how I love thee and oh bed, you're my best friend" feeling it's hard. Then add in all the lies coming into play and I lay here and repeat them and hear them over and over and over. And it stinks!

I am reading my Bible more, I am doing my best to bathe in the Word and Truth. I know God won't let me down, I know He is the gold medal winner always (sorry, had to pull in an olympic pun!) I get that, but I also do a great job of building walls up and bad habits up and it irritates me.

I have been a Christian since I was 9 - that's when I accepted Christ and that's when I got baptized, but there are days I feel like a brand new Christian. In college I got really disciplined my freshman year with my bible study and faith and then it all feel apart. I am not sure why or when (though I think I could probably pinpoint was particular incident that just did me in if I tried hard enough) but I stopped. Sure I went to church and things got better and I got into reading my Bible again, but it became a habit of only doing it when I needed it most.

I do that now. On days like today when lies are just flooding my heart and head, I go to the Bible and read and bathe. I feel a bit better, I stop and satan still continues. It's a never ending cycle for me. It angers me that I can't get past this darn hurdle. How do I do that.

I have really in the past few years grown in my faith. Primarily when Parker was born. I mean how could my faith not grow? I am growing daily. I have surrounded myself with friends that build me up and encourage and keep me accountable and who I know genuinely love and care for me. Many I have met since Parker, but I seriously appreciate them and love and care for them. I have stepped out and into uncomfortable places after feeling Gods lead and I have grown immensely from those challenges. I am trying to allow myself to be more open and honest and allow you, my friends, and other friends, to help me and love me, even if I am embarrassed. I am doing the best I can, I REALLY REALLY am.

That's part of why I wrote this post, that's why I can say that God is bigger and HE BEATS EVIL - always. He's my daddy.

I have a long way to go, but I have high hopes that I will learn more and grow more and build stronger disciplines and some day even beable to tell satan to shove it.

Oh my gravy, did I just say that? Oh well, he can sit on a take for all I care!

I loved this therapy session, thanks for listening.

Forever Changed

"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever!' Eph. 3:20-21

I am a masterpiece - God's masterpiece.

This weekend my church sponsored a conference at a local hotel. The main speaker - my darling and super awesome pastor's wife Tammy Smith. She is just the best. I mean, besides that fact that she's quite the inspirational and honest speaker, she is so funny and lively and just someone you must be around. She infects you - in a good way. She's written 3 books. I am currently reading Soul Healing...because well I need it. She is also a counselor and she happens to sing really well too!

The conference was called Forever Changed. And boy did I walk away feeling that way. It's funny how you can get so much from a conference that really is only a day (fri, night and sat through the afternoon.) It was a ton of info and all super important and I am still attempting to process through it all. I truly don't know if I could adequately explain everything that Tammy and others talked about, but I can tell you this...I now see so many things differently.

I came home Saturday night and had realized these things (among many):
1) God Loves me so much, so so much and it is a never ending love.
2) I. Am. Forgiven...for my past, present and FUTURE sins...all of them...
3) God wants to Bless me - but I have to lean in and say yes.
4) satan seeks to destroy me and lie to me EVERY SINGLE DAY....
5) satan is a pathetic little man behind a curtain when you really thing about it...and in the end, HE LOSES.
6) I need to saturate myself in the Word...

There are about 20 other things I learned but these are really the top six that I struggle with daily and that actually shape my life.

I have a lot to heal from in my past...some stuff that actually makes me live the way I do today and I have this huge desire to do that and change the way I live. And the great thing is that I was actually given "tools" to use to go and do that during this conference.

I have a long way to go...but boy do I feel different and ready.

I am so glad I was forever changed! Truly!

A New Outlook

To say that I have a lot of bitterness built up inside about Parker's birth would be an understatement. For as much as I consider myself "over it" and moved past it, I still harbor a lot of anger that his birth happened the way it did. I know, to you, it seems kind of pathetic that I would harbor these feelings, but I think there may always be a part of me that is a little upset with God "allowing" this. I am human after all and I do hurt and I am not perfect.

However - I am starting to get a whole new outlook about it. Was it easy? Um NO! Was it fun? Ha - right. Would I want it to happen again? Nope But the reality is it could. I am at risk, but a maybe slightly lower risk. But I do have a new outlook - it was a lesson in putting full trust in God that I will never forget. I had to let go and let God control the situation. There was simply nothing more that I could do. I had to let go and trust that God would be with those doctors as they took my son out of me and whisked him to the NICU. I had to let go and trust God to give the appropriate knowledge to the Neonatologist, doctors and nurses that worked on Parker and took care of him in the NICU. It wasn't easy. Especially once I was able to see him. I wanted to wrap him up in my arms and hold him forever...be his protector, his doctor, his nurse, his everything, but I couldn't. Besides the fact that I don't have the degree or the knowledge needed, I had to heal myself.

There's been this empty time in my head since Parker's birth. I can remember VERY clearly up to when they gave me the anesthesia. I remember very clearly that last things I heard before I feel into a deep sleep - "I will be here with you the whole time." A nurse named Mary said as she held my hand and I drifted to sleep. I remember hearing voices while in the ICU, but I don't really remember seeing people until my in-laws go there later Thursday evening. There's a few hours that I will probably never know about. The one thing I always wanted to know was what happened during my c-section. Did Parker come out crying, limp, ect? What would it have been like had I not been under general anesthesia? I do know Parker came out crying and kicking - a ton. My OB/GYN has answered that one. He was a little fighter from the get-go. But what about the rest of those unanswered questions? I don't think I will ever know 100% what it was like in the operating room. Drew wasn't in there so he can't answer that for me...but I did have a small glimpse.

On Jan 31, there was a special on TLC. It was called "Special Duggar Delivery" and it was about the birth of their 19th child, miss Josie Brooklyn. She came at 26 weeks and was a 1lb 6oz miracle. You may not like them or agree with their lifestyle, I don't always agree with their views, but for me, to start a total healing process I had to watch this episode. I DVRd it and waited until I had the time to watch it, no interruptions, me allowing myself to feel and watch. I ended up not sleeping well that night and woke up at 2am. I decided to watch it...mostly because I couldn't sleep because I wanted to watch it so bad. I sat and watched it. And let me tell you, it wasn't easy. They showed Michelle's C-section and you know what...it really helped me. I put myself on that operating table and it helped me see kind of what happened during Parker's birth. To see how fast it went, how quickly they got Josie out, how fast they got her to the NICU - I knew in my heart, that's what they did with Parker. And I am thankful for that.

My outlook is changing about this. I will never be thrilled that it happened - who would? But I can learn to look at it now in a positive frame of mind. It strengthened my walk with God, it gave me the most beautiful miracle child, it brought people into my life that I may not have known otherwise, it showed me how a church can love it's members, it showed me that I am way stronger than I give myself credit for. I have been blessed with being able to get to know other preemie parents and helping in their journey. I have learned to really cry out to God. Sure, there are still some negative feelings towards it and to be honest, for as much as I want another child, I am TERRIFIED of this repeating itself. But I know, that God is always here, He will get me through another hard pregnancy if that's what it would be, He knows what's gonna happen in the future, I don't.

I can honestly say, I am thankful that my son was born 11 weeks early. I wouldn't be where I am today if he hadn't been. To look at him now, sitting on the floor, talking to the TV, smiling at me and laughing loudly - it was all worth it. Every single part of this journey has been worth it.

Thank you God for a new outlook!

....Thy Name Is....

Failure thy name is Denise...

OK before you start going off on me and telling me how wonderful of a mom and wife and friend and yadda yadda I am, hear me out on this one... ok. I promise it starts off rough, but gets SO much better.

For several weeks (ok so maybe my whole life) I have been feeling like a failure. A failure as a mom, family member, wife, woman, Christian...I could list more. I could make a list of all the things I am convinced I have failed at, HOWEVER, I won't. Mostly because you don't have the time to read them all and also because, they aren't important, especially past things. Most recently though there have been 3 areas and which I have felt like a colossal failure.

1) Parker - I can see you sitting there now about ready to beat your head (or perhaps past that point) on the desk. Bare (bear?) with me. Where he is concerned, because I care THAT deeply, I feel like I fail on a daily basis. This past weekend was one of those areas. My sweet little man had, yet again, another wheezing episode. On Thursday last week, he became congested. Paying close enough attention I noticed that he was coughing - ding ding ding - a light went off - I remembered that this is actually a first sign of potential wheezing....I albuteroled the heck out of him Thursday. Friday he sounded great, no real cough, so I didn't worry - until the evening. That's when the big coughs came - again...friend thy name is albuterol. Saturday morning the poor boy woke up a hot wheezy mess. I called his pediatricians office knowing full well that it was a Sat and I probably would get a co-worker of his normal dr. We went in, sure enough....my ears did not deceive me. *Feeling of failure comes in here* The Dr. whom I thought was REALLY awesome talked to me about how I did the right thing, and how we would start Parker on FloVent (a preventative breathable inhaler) and OraPred (oral steroid - know as to me - Parker's hyper happiness) and that we wouldn't need to go to the ER. (Side note: all the way to the dr. I was convinced I'd have to take him to the ER). I asked her about 4 times if she was SURE I wouldn't need to take him to the er. Nope she said. Ok sure. I told her that I felt so happy that I had gotten ahead of if for the first time and that I really though there would be no wheezing this time around and she said that I had. (Ok then why the wheezing huh?) With his lungs being as premature as they were it's not surprising that even though I was really vigilant he still wheezed. It's the nature of the beast.

I left feeling both relieved and worried. We got home and Parker's wheezing got worse. I call the Dr. back (feeling of failure #2) and asked what to do (I actually called my friend Crissy first...thanks for listening to me that day - Love you!) She said that again, I had done the right thing, calling her (she seems to know I need reassurance) and that we would put him on albuterol every two hours for 6 hours (that would be three doses before bedtime) to give both the Flovent and the orapred the ability to really get in his system. It worked! I was thrilled and those failure feelings left.

So that's the most recent "issue" with Parker and failure coming into play. Today's feeling of failure - my son too much TV (P.S. he's currently napping - I don't have him watching the Boob Tube). He actually doesn't get that much. He gets an hour of Sesame street after nap. And maybe 1-1.5 hours the rest of the day spread out. (The kid must watch Yo Gabba Gabba before bed....and I am ok with that, because by the time it's over, he's read to sleep.)

2) Keeping house
I am not gonna lie, I hate housework. I hate everything about it, but I hate my house being messy - imagine that. I think sometimes it feels pointless to clean. Like yesterday, I worked REALLY hard on cleaning the kitchen. It looked pretty (needed to sweep and mop but with my head cold, I just couldn't continue past what I had done.) and nice. I made dinner - and now, it's destroyed. Again. Ugh. Oh and the living room. Toys toys everywhere. Ugh. I feel like a failure in the house cleaning area. Maybe if I wasn't sick it would better. Oh who are we kidding, it wouldn't make a difference, I just have zero cleaning motivation.

3) My weight.
I am overweight. There - I said it. I know I am, I know I have been and I have a REAL TRUE desire to lose weight. If I can lose weight I should be able to have a healthy pregnancy again (when we are ready...and want to try again - READ I AM NOT PREGNANT) and I think I would like myself better. I want so bad to go on Weight Watchers or something, but I stress about the money and the doing it and the keeping the motivation part. Ugh. I hate it. I feel like such a failure in the weight loss area.

satan they name is snot

I mean really! I have had a head cold/sinus infection for a week now and I don't really feel too much better. I am still blowing my nose every 3.5 seconds (ok I exaggerate). I have used mucinex, sudafed, tylenol head and cold and I swear I am still so friggin clogged. I hate this and am convinced satan lives in my sinus' and is named snot.

Speaking of the red dude. I know that he is why I feel like a failure. He plays on my insecurities, my fears, my doubts. If he didn't know me so dang well and left me alone, I know that I would feel better. It gets frustrating, because I do try to not listen, but it's hard ya know? I am thankful that I have grown so much since P's birth because I truly believe that time and the growth afterwards has helped me to learn how to overcome satan's lies. Now, don't get me wrong, I am not perfect and there are times I listen to them, but a majority of the time, I am fine or I can notice them easier and get myself into a much better frame of mind.

So yah.

I think I will let you go....

Post thy name is long.....

(P.S. sorry for my obsession with the phrase "thy name is."





****Please note that I say "I Feel Like" not "I Am A" Failure! I am learning to not allow what I feel to constantly rule my life and me!****

Living La Vida Loca

I feel like I haven't had anything exciting to say recently. I feel like my blog is repetitive and boring. But I have some things to talk about...so I figured, what the hey, I will just update.

1) Haiti
My heart breaks for those affected by the earthquake down there. It seems like tragedies like this really make me check myself. I've been complaining a lot about not having a house...I hate living in an apartment. Then I see what those people were living in prior to this devastation and I feel completely lousy. How can I complain about a nice apt. and needs being met...when others are living in such horrible conditions. I won't lie, I've been glued to the TV at night. I keep watching Anderson Cooper 360 because I love his perspective on it. But it makes me sad. So so sad. I wish there was more I could do...but there's not.

2) Parker Boy
What a character he is now. I mean, this kid is just a nut! His favorite word is No...and it's not that he's defiant...in fact, he just walks around..."no, no no no no no no..." Parker do you love mommy" "NO!", Parker is your diaper stinky? "No." Parker is that your foot? "No" It's super funny when he nods his head and then says no...he also likes to come up to me when I am eating something he looks at me with the sweetest face and says "biiiite." And because I am the loving mommy I am - I give him one! Oh and every time he's pushing something on the floor it's "vooooooooommmmm." He likes to dance some and he loves Sesame Street. He loves books...he makes me read every one he owns.

3) Me
Well, I am doing well. I got to talk to my OB/GYN today about what I face if I get pregnant again ********WE ARE NOT PREGNANT AND WE ARE NOT CURRENTLY TRYING********** As it turns out I will have to see a High Risk Doc. if/when I do get pregnant again. But she would like me to lose several lbs. and get off my anti-depressant. My goal is to kick myself into gear and start exercising and doing portion control..ect. I am considering joining spark people. Please pray for me as I work on this. I want to be healthy if/when I get pregnant again...and even if not. I am overweight.

I got my hair done today. It's so nice to have such lovely hair again. It's colored and cut and smells so good and is so soft. It's been a while since I have had it colored so I treated myself. I went to a beauty college so it was cheap-arific. Took a while because they have to take their time and then an instruct has to ok it...but it was so worth it.

I am obsessed with the Duggar's. Not that I want 19 kids (I don't - I want 2) but I just appreciate their program more, since I have started watching it more. I am reading their book, I made their tater tot casserole (yum) and then I am planning to watch their special about their newest little one. (Their 19th was a preemie). Emotionally, I feel like it will be hard, but good for me to watch. I wish I had a calm soul like Michelle...I mean the woman never yells...me I do everyday - at Parker...ok not yell but talk with a stern voice.

4) Other things
Our church is turning 3 years old this week. Can you believe it. We just started 3 years ago and we already have an average attendance of 100 kids a week and 500 adults. God is so good.

I think that's all I have friends...until the next time I have something interesting to say...

In Awe

Church today was Ah-mazing. We discussed worship - more specific, transformative worship. Making God your top priority and worshiping in Awe of God. The cool thing about awe is - its not something that is self generated. We talked alot about being in awe - in awe of buildings, stunts, ect. Pastor Mike had a video he wanted to show us, unfortunately, it disappeared, but I did find it on you tube. I watch it just not and it was just one of those things. I didn't have to fake my Awe, it was there...and how could it not be? Once you see this video you understand...it makes me wonder how anyone can not believe in God.



Enjoy.

The other point Pastor Mike made was how in today's society we dumb God down, we put limits on Him and therefore put limits on our worship to him. If our worship is misdirected, it hurts us. It's quite sad actually.

I want to seek God and worship Him without limits. I want to allow worshipping Him to change me...I am a sinner, I am not perfect, but with God, I have hope. And that hope has gotten me through so much.

"This is what the LORD Almighty says: 'Administer true justice; show mercy and compassion to one another. Do not oppress the widow or the fatherless, the alien or the poor. In your hearts do not think evil of each other.' Zechariah 7:9-10

Dear Depression - YOU STINK

optional title: satan you are a stupid head

I feel so frustrated by how down I can get in just a matter of seconds. One dumb move, one wrong word, one misunderstanding and boom...I sit and stew and get all negative and then satan, being that crafty miserable stink head comes in and plays on my already down mood...making me hate myself, come up with scenarios like "you made such a bad mistake Deni, you should be fired..." ect. I mean, it's ridiculous.

I would venture to say that my depression is actually better, to be honest. I don't have a lot of down days anymore. But when I do have one, I mean it's TOUGH...I may have less, but I have them hard when I do have them. I got to my Dr. next week and I am at a point were I am just not sure it's the right time to wean off the meds. And I am ok with that. God has given me a peace about being on meds right now and I know when it's time, I will be ready.

But it doesn't make me like this depression any more. In fact, I hate depression, I hate my self loathing and negative thoughts.

I am glad though that I am learning to work through it, just wish it went easier!

Anyway...

Out with the Old, In with the New

First of all, HAPPY 2010* everyone. I hope that your Christmas and New Years were good ones. Ours was fantastic! Lots of family, fun, food and rest.

*(That's twenty ten, none of this two thousand ten junk!)

2009 wasn't a half bad year for us. Sure we had our share of ups and downs, but considering we started the new year with a tiny little man and now we have a precious little toddler and we are happy, that's all that matters. I saw my son turn 1, have two seperate ER visits, be (mostly) diagnosed with asthma, be diagnosed with allergies, start walking, and now he's a jabbering fool who can actually use a fork and likes to throw his plate on the floor. Not too shabby. Parker's a true toddler now and growing physically and mentally each day. Our saw my marriage have a bit of a bump, but now it's stronger than ever. I saw my husband get another raise and watched him grow. And I saw myself grow tremendously, get a job I adore, a car I love and new friends to last a lifetime. All in all, 2009 wasn't too bad.

BUT OUT WITH THE OLD....

AND IN WITH THE NEW....

2010....day 2 of this year and already it's been pretty darn good. My step - sister had my nephew Dalton yesterday (1-1-10) at 9:13 am (he was the first baby born in that hospital in the new year. He's currently in the NICU for some lung issues, but is doing well. He was 7lbs, 6ozs and 19 inches long. He's a cute little man! I got to see many of my friends happy when the Bucks made dinner out of the Ducks in the Rose Bowl! And today, I got to enjoy a quiet afternoon with my two men and I get to go on a date tonight to see Avatar in 3D - so that should be fun. Oh and I get Chipotle for dinner. Some of you may not be thrilled, but I am!

I am looking forward to 20-10. I am not sure what all is in store and I am sure God has some plans that I may not enjoy, but nevertheless, I am excited. My baby boy, born at only 29 weeks, will turn two in May. He's car seat will FINALLY be flipped probably in the next few days. I will celebrate my 5 year wedding anniversary on Aug. 6 with a trip to either Chi-town or NYC. I will get to see my youngest brother, Brandon graduate from high school in June. And who knows what else really. I do look forward to it.

Oh did I also mention that the first meal I made in 20-10 was a delicious slow cooker full of ham and bean soup? Without a recipe? Yah, I am that good! We had a ton of left over ham from Christmas and I wanted to use it up and do something different. I happened to have some dry navy beans so I thought...hmmmm....let's try. It was easy peasy lemon squeezy! Want me to share what I did? Well fine, you twisted my arm...yeesh.

Ham N Bean Soup A'la Deni:

1.5 cups dry Navy Beans
Ham (I would say I had probably about 1.5 - 2 cups once I chopped it up)
1/2 an onion, sliced,
1 piece of celery chopped
6 cups of water
1.5 bullion cube (beef)

****The Dry beans need prepped first. I just did mine by soaking over night in a big bowl with 5 cups of water. I leave it on the counter and vent the lid a bit.****

I mixed all the ingredients in the slow cooker, added some spices, rosemary and thyme and pepper and cooked on low for 6 hours.

That's it folks. I mean, obviously their is the prep and all, but that's it. The beans cook great in the sc** and it ends up being yummy. I started out with 4 cups of water, but once the beans expanded I added two more. It made the soup not to thin and not too thick.

**slow cooker

Well that's my first recipe of 20-10. Let's write that one down in the record books! :)

I'll update again soon!

Just Breathe

Well, as promised I am back after the craziness of Christmas to update you on how things are. I decided to entitle this, "Just Breathe" for several reasons, but mostly because I need to be and just breathe. It's been a VERY busy month and it was topped off with an amazing program at Vista where we saw over 2,000 people come over three performances to hear the story of Hope! It was truly amazing. I cried some because of just how powerful it felt just being in the choir on stage. There was a very special testimony that I would love for you to watch. It's from Billy and Amy and it's just moving! It's the story of Hope. And it's beautiful.

We had several friend and family come into town to see the program and enjoyed spending time with all of them!

The Monday before Christmas I had to take Parker to the ER. He was having breathing issues and his albuterol was not at all helping. It was scary, but he's ok now. He does have asthma and so we will be learning more about how to deal with that. I won't lie, I am not happy about it, but I am thankful that it is nothing more serious.

Drew's parents came out for Christmas and we enjoyed having them around. I enjoyed them taking care of Parker for me. Christmas was great, we all got some wonderful presents. Some of my favs include: my Colts Snuggie! (Go Blue!), a hand made scarf, a scarf Drew got me at Forever 21 (it's so pretty), and a picture frame that says meow and has a picture of my kitty. I miss her :(

Parker got some great gifts...and enjoys all of them! Also, please be praying for Tabatha and Logan, he's been super sick and they are currently at the ER. I wish I knew how to help her.

So I think I am going to go and just breathe and be. If I don't say it before Friday - Happy New Year. I hope you have a blessed 2010

Hello Strangers...

Well, I have totally stunk at updating this thing recently and I greatly apologize. I can honestly say things have been super busy and this took a back seat for a while. However, I need this blog and I am planning to REALLY try to update it better. How many times recently have I said that? I am serious though. I also know that some of you may be reading this because my wonderful in-laws added in our blog address for Parker updates. And I would hate for you to not get any!

Speaking of which - Parker is doing wonderful. His vocabulary has grown a lot recently. We are currently seeing him use these words frequently:
- Mama (or meme)
- Dada
- Uh-oh (comes out more like ohhhhh)
- Yah
- Oh yah
- No (thankfully, he doesn't say this often, he does nod his head)
- Cookie (more like ook) (like hook without the h)
- Hot Dog (haha, this is his newest - gog - like dog with a g)
- Elmo (ok so this one is more like ehmo)
- Hoo, Hoo

Not to shabby! I am sure this ST* will be impressed considering last time she was here we didn't even get half of that! He walks and climbs on everything. He's hysterical really...and a pain at times. He's been in this mood of testing recently. Like for example, let's see what mommy does when I try to eat my night light. (Not the best night and no worries he didn't hurt himself and it's now where he cant reach it). Parker can successfully go up and down stairs, though we keep the stairway closed off to him unless we are actually going down them to get out of our apartment. He is quite the eater and we are working on using sippys. He uses the kind with straws, but the therapist would prefer we use the other kind.

In general, we are all ok. Very very busy this month (hence the lack of updates). The first week of dec. was crazy, we had something going on every day. Last week, not too bad, this week - two christmas parties, and then our Christmas church concert Fri - Sun. And we have guests Friday, Sat. and sunday! Oh yah, fun times! And then next week the in-laws get here for Christmas. I am so excited. I love spending time with them.

I may not update the rest of the week, hopefully you can understand that it's just that time of year. Please be praying for me, I am so burnt out. I am drained emotionally, physically, spiritually and really need next week. Pray for Hope:The Invitation my church christmas program! I can't wait and I want it to touch people! Pray for safe travels for my dad and stepmom (they are coming sat), for our friend Dave (coming Friday) and for Brandee and Rick (coming sat) and for safe travels for my in-laws.

I hope you all enjoy your Christmas! Sorry I won't be around much! I will try maybe one more update between now and next wed.

Hugs

Journal Journey Wednesday (pt.2 & 3)

***Just so everyone knows, this one will be a bit longer since last week I totally had a brain fart and didn't post! Enjoy - though if you don't read it all - I understand!***

June 14, 2008

"There are days I miss being pregnant. It kind of hurts to know that I'll never have that big belly, the inside out belly button, labor pains, or a vaginal birth experience. I think I really need to mourn this reality - so I can move on and focus primarily on Parker. I need to go home and pack up my maternity clothes - it's hard to walk in my closet and see them hanging there. I also am gonna get rid of my pregnancy books, just seeing them makes me sad."

June 15, 2008

"Happy Daddy's Day!!! Great news, Parker is off CPAP! His numbers are staying up great right now. He has had a couple of brady's but bounces back quickly"

June 16, 2008

"Went to church last night and boy am I glad! I really needed it. I didn't feel bombarded with people or questions, though I talked to so many! I enjoyed the message too! It was about outreach, which is weighing on my heart. Being here in the NICU I feel that I have a lot of opportunity to reach out to others, but I just don't know how to approach them."

June 17, 2008

"Today has been an incredibly hard day...I am so ticked right now - I am pretty sure that I have the worlds worst nurse. She is very unpersonable and has been short with us all morning. It doesn't help because today has started out totally cruddy. I got a call from Dr. W. at 7:30 this morning. Parker had had a rough night. They put him on oxygen and took an xray of his chest and belly. This showed something in his bowel, which could be a possible infection. They have suspended his feeds until they find out what's going on. They even drew blood and put him back on an IV...

(Later that day)
"At this point they don't think it's an infection, but they are waiting on cultures, which will take a couple of days. He will be staying on his nasal cannula. I was reading Marla's book just now and came across this quote:'Our little ones are resilient and forgiving. Our God is a God of grace. These experiences keep us humble and remind us of our need for a Savior. And those angels are always on duty.' Oh how I needed that today."

(Even later that day...)
"This whole thing is frustrating me. I mean besides my growing PPD; I am watching my child struggle. It feels like he takes 4 steps forward and 15 steps back. i feel like we are gonna be in this NICU FOREVER. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I feel my hope just slowly fading away. I see no light at the end of the tunnel. I am doing my best to fully rely on God and trust that He is handling this situation. I really just want to scream out to God. Or maybe even scream at Him. Is it even ok that I am angry? Because I am so angry. I truly do not understand why I am finding myself in this situation. I feel like I am being punished or something. But, yet, I know deep down I am not. The hardest thing is to meet other children and see them thriving when Parker is having all these issues. I keep playing the comparison game. I look over at L and think 'well he's been off Cpap for a couple weeks and is doing well. Parker not so much.' But Parker is not L, nor is he B or anyone else, he's Parker. This is how Parker is, this is his life and his set of challenges - this is what will make him stronger and make him who he is as Parker. It doesn't make it any easier to watch him struggle though..."



It kind almost cracks me up to read these now. Mostly because of my horrible grammar and punctuation. I can look back now at this set of entries and clearly see what God was doing. He grew my so much during that time. I have since learned to lean on Him and trust Him and His will. That hard day I was having on June 17th just shows this to me. At the time, I didn't think I could make it through. I was angry with the rude nurse, scared for Parker, depressed, angry with God, wanting to scream....and now I look at it and clearly see God's leading and His lessons. I won't lie, there are a lot of times now that I struggle to trust, but I have grown to know that that's all I can do at times. And I see what this trusting can do. I trusted God with Parker's allergy tests and they came back mostly great!

God is good and he has a plan for Parker...who knew? - Oh He did!

Guest Post - Cheryl from Lips Unzipped

I asked a new friend a couple weeks ago to share her preemie story. Unfortunately, last week I wasn't able to post her story because of a trip to Indiana and no internet, but this week, I am thrilled to introduce you to Cheryl from Lips Unzipped!

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Hi everyone!!! Denise recently asked if anyone would be willing to write a guest post on preemies, since it is prematurity awareness month! I’ll introduce myself a little bit and then get into the nitty gritty details! I’m Cheryl, a 28 year old mom to 2 beautiful little girls. Lauren who is almost 3 and Jillian who turned 1 in September. Married to my “soul mate” (sound sickening?? Well, I didn’t believe in soul mates either until I met Adam) we’ve been together for almost 10 years, married for almost 5.

My first daughter, Lauren was born at 38 weeks, 1 day. Via c-section. I had been having pretty regular contractions and she was sitting VERY low in my pelvis. I actually started with preterm labour on Christmas Eve of 2006. Lauren is my “atypically” developing child. No serious complications after birth, nothing that would ever clue me into problems we might have with subsequent children. My wish was always to have a large family, since I’m an only child. However, it didn’t work out that way!

Jillian is the icing to our cake, I guess. My worrying about her started at 12 weeks gestation. When I had the triple screen done to check for chromosomal defects. I went to the doctor and he told me that my levels for Downs Syndrome and Spina Bifida were raised. Adam and I opted to have an amnio, not that we would have done anything with the results, we just needed to know. Come to find out, Jillian’s chromosomes were all there, happy, healthy and accounted for. My doctor warned that it might be a placental problem, so, we’d have to keep an eye on it.

Now while I was pregnant, I met a wonderful friend Anna. Who actually had a 26 weeker. I visited them on a regular basis and hoped that I would be BEGGING Jillian to vacate my body. Almost a month after Noel was born, I was walking back from visiting him and noticed that my pants and underwear were wet. It was summer. I started making excuses about why it might be happening. “Maybe I peed myself?” (Jillian was also a frank breech presentation) “Maybe Jillian kicked something?” Lauren needed a nap, so, I laid down to get some rest when she fell asleep. When I stood up, I felt a small gush. I panicked. I was 29 weeks, 3 days. I immediately called Adam and asked him to come home.

Fast forward 4 days. My doctor and I had already discussed that I was going to have a repeat c-section. I REALLY wanted a VBAC, but, my uterine scar was thinning. I was put on complete hospital bedrest for 4 days. I was only allowed up to use the bathroom, oh and a 5 minute shower every 2 days, where a nurse would stand outside and knock when my time was up. I felt like a prisoner, but I was willing to do anything to keep Jillian inside! Luckily, Adam was able to stay home with Lauren and they made twice daily treks to the hospital.

September 8th, 2008 marked the day that Jillian entered our family. She was born at 30 weeks gestation. Jillian gave us a scare the night before she was born when her heart rate was up to 190 bpm. She settled down and I attempted to sleep. My doctor arrived in the morning (after being on call all night) and did an ultrasound. I was contracting every 10 minutes, but it wasn’t painful at all. I thought it was Braxton hicks and that it would go away. He checked my cervical length and dilation through the ultrasound since my water had broken, they didn’t want to introduce any bacteria. At 8am, I was completely closed, not effaced, feeling I had nothing to worry about.

By 10 o’clock, I was having to breathe through contractions and concentrate. I paged my nurse (who immediately came running because she knew I didn’t page them unless absolutely necessary) my nurse paged the resident on call. They were all trying to decide if they should take me to labour and delivery to monitor my contractions, or just take Jillian out. The resident decided to check to see if I were dilating. I had made it to 3 cms (in less than 2 hours). Since my blood pressure was so low, they couldn’t put me on ANY drugs to stop the contractions. So, it was go time. I asked them how long I had before we went to the OR. I was told 10 minutes, TOPS. I IMMEDIATELY called Adam and told him to get to the hospital. Thankfully a nurse and a social worker were able to watch Lauren. By the time my spinal was placed they checked me again and I was 6 cms dilated, guess it is true that you go faster with your second baby!

Since Jillian was breech, when the doctors lifted her out, they flashed me her bum before heading to the NICU. I was so upset to be separated from her, but, I knew she was in VERY competent hands. Considering her gestational age, it really surprised EVERYONE that she cried when she was born.
After spending 5 weeks in the NICU, Jillian FINALLY got to come home on Thanksgiving Monday (October 13, 2008- we’re Canadian, eh?!) I thought that our battle with prematurity was over . Sure, we had TONS of doctors visits and other things to keep her healthy, but I didn’t think we’d see any long term effects.

In November of 2008, Jillian was hospitalized briefly for a blue spell. She stopped breathing for 5 seconds, twice. HOW SCARY! They decided to do a head ultrasound while we were there (VERY common in preemies) they did see that she had a PVL and told me it could lead to Cerebral Palsy. Obviously devastated, I wanted to be able to fight for Jillian. We ended up having another head ultrasound in February of 2009. Fortunately, they saw that her PVL was gone. Adam and I were ecstatic. Unfortunately, her soft spot was fusing, so they didn’t get an accurate picture.

Jillian is developmentally delayed, with VERY high muscle tone in her legs and trunk. Depending on early intervention, we started therapies. In September of 2009, Jillian’s fabulous doctor decided that she needed a sedated MRI to see if there were any underlying causes of her delays and muscle tone. It was then we learned that the PVL wasn’t gone, in fact, it had gotten bigger. Obviously upset again, I decided we needed to fight harder for Jillian.

As of October 22nd, 2009, Jillian has been diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy. We don’t know the type or severity yet as we have to see what Jillian will do on her own. Our hopes are high that Jillian will over come this, but we also have to be realistic about the whole thing. Jillian’s CP is a result of her early birth. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I would have a “special needs” baby. Not that I’m close minded or anything like that. But, I think we as parents NEVER want to hear that there is something wrong with your child.

We are now awaiting so many specialists I don’t know when I’ll ever be able to sleep. Jillian is our icing on the cake, and we wouldn’t have it any other way.

65 Minutes in the Hallway

Today is the first of my guest posts and I have asked my husband to share his side of the preemie experience. I hope that you enjoy his part of the story...

When Denise asked me to write about my experience as a NICU dad and father of a preemie, I knew I needed to accept the offer. Parker is probably the single greatest accomplishment in my life so far. For years I have realized that being a dad is among the greatest honors that I can imagine. His birth, though, was one of the most disorienting experiences possible.

9 days prior to Parker's birth, Denise & I had been to the hospital in the middle of the night because she was experiencing difficulty breathing. During that long ordeal, the diagnosis was the severe heartburn that plagues many women during pregnancy. Her OB, though, did follow up and was paying attention to all of the right things in those 9 days until Parker's birth.

Having set that context, when Denise wasn't able to sleep comfortably on May 28, neither of us suspected what was going to be happening in the next few hours. At 3am, having exhausted all of our ideas for making her comfortable, we called the doctor who referred us back to the hospital. When we arrived at 4am, both of us assumed it would be another short stay in the triage section of labor & delivery for a similar ailment.

As things progressed and we learned the seriousness of Denise's condition, that's when I went into "hospital mode". When I was growing up, my brother, Steve have multiple medical complications that led to routine hospitalizations. Being 4 years older than me, I never knew life that wasn't in and out of the hospital. Personally, I've never been admitted to a hospital, but I've spent significant time around them and doctors' offices. That's led to me having pretty strong coping mechanisms and such for that environment that I collectively call "hospital mode".

On the morning of May 29, 2008, all I knew was that I had to go into "hospital mode" in order to be strong and be there for my wife and soon-to-be-born child. I disconnected myself emotionally from what was happening and was simply "there" for Denise. During the hour or so we had between the decision for the emergency c-section and her being wheeled back into the surgical suite, I simply stood by her bed and sought to comfort her.

When they took her back to surgery, I was unable to go with her. The process of getting me prepped to be in the operating room was going to take too long, particularly in light of the fact that she would be under general anesthesia and that this was an emergency procedure. I was able to walk alongside as they wheeled her back to the operating suite, but had to stop at the big red line on the floor that divides the sterile from open environments. At the big red line, I was introduced to my companion for the next 65 minutes, the bench.

Just outside the recovery section of the labor & delivery surgical suite, there is a bench in the hallway. That was where I spent the approximately 65 minutes between when Denise was wheeled into surgery and when she was taken to the ICU. In those 65 minutes, I sat numbly texting furiously to keep myself occupied. The staff at the hospital was so gracious to me. They checked on me, they offered me snacks, and they updated me on my family. I cannot thank them enough.

Those 65 minutes are the longest of my life. When it comes to my family, I am a doer. I do things. I don't sit by. I have this compulsion to fix things and to be active. For those 65 minutes, sitting alone in the hallway on a bench, I could do nothing.

Finding out that I had a son, meeting him as he was transported to the NICU, walking with Denise as she was transported to the ICU - these are all memories that I take with me from that hallway.

After those 65 minutes in the hallway, I wasn't just a husband, I was a dad too. In the 525 days since then, I have grown, I have spent 69 days watching my son fight and grow in the NICU. I have seen him become a toddler. I have walked in the March for Babies. I have done many things since that time, but it to me is the center of my experience as the dad of a preemie.

Writing about this has been a good step for me. Honestly, I am still working through the emotional side of things from those 65 minutes in the hallway. Much of me is still in "hospital mode" when it comes to that experience. Being the parent of a preemie doesn't stop at a given time, it is an experience that shapes the rest of your life.

If my story has helped you understand prematurity a bit more or even piqued your interest in the topic, please visit www.marchofdimes.com to learn about the reality and see how you can become involved in the work surrounding prematurity.

Not What I Expected

As a women I cannot begin to tell you how thrilled I was when I found I was pregnant in Dec of 2007. Growing up, it was my dream to have children, to love a child, to be a mommy and there it was in front of me - my 2 tests telling me "Yup Deni, you are pregnant!" It was a surreal moment to know that in my belly was a little itty bitty bean that in a mere 10 months would be in my arms screaming - covered in ooky goo but more beautiful than anything.

But, that didn't happen. Nope...not in the least. I won't get into my story at this point, that's for the 17th of November, but I will say this...when I had Parker, it wasn't want I expected.

When you have a baby, you expect to be in labor for hours, screaming for epidurals, yelling at your husband, screaming, pushing, ect (or maybe that's what I expected!) You don't expect to have an emergency c-section and not get to see your baby for 3 days (other than in pictures).

You expect to have that crying child covered in goo weighing in the 5-8 pound mark put on your belly and you cry tears of joy...not this...


You don't expect to have to see tubes in your child, breathing apparatuses on his face, noises going off everywhere and you certainly don't expect for that child to weigh a mere 2lbs 3ozs...



You also don't expect to have to be wheeled to another place in the hospital to see that little bundle of joy lying in an incubator while there are other children just like that around.



And you don't expect your first time holding him will be the day you are discharged from the hospital. You also don't expect to not bring him home with you that day - it's not supposed to be like that.

However, that was my reality and that is the reality (though each person is different) of many today. More than 13 million babies are born too soon worldwide. In fact in an average week in the US 10,440 babies are born preterm of those 1,664 babies are born VERY early. Those numbers are just not what you want to see.

I never thought I would be one of those 10,440 and I certainly didn't expect to be one of the 1,664. I did everything right in my pregnancy, I expected to have Parker in august and go through labor and bring my baby home just a couple days after having him.

But God had a different plan and looking back now I am thankful for that. Having a preemie has made me more aware of what March of Dimes is doing for women and baby everywhere. I have gained more faith and have really been able to work with March of Dimes and other preemie parents to make aware the realities of preterm birth.

I certainly didn't plan to have a preemie, nor do I plan to have another. But I am glad that I can use what I have been through to reach out to others.


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This month I am hoping to blog regularly about prematurity and my journey within the community of preemie parents. This blog will give you statistics, information, and I will also share bits and pieces of our journey. I hope to have some guest posts (if you are interested, please let me know), Wednesdays I will share with you some excerpts from the journal I kept during Parker's 69 days in the hospital and much much more.

You don't have to be a preemie parent to blog about prematurity. On Nov. 17th, prematurity awareness day, BloggersUnite wants you to blog the story of a preemie you know or have to promote awareness. You can always add a badge to your blog as well. (See my post from Sat. Oct. 31 for links!)

Be Blessed!

In which a title doesn't explain it...

God is really working in my life right now and while it took me FOREVER to see it, I am so glad I finally open up my eyes to all the good things he is doing. A couple weeks ago I wrote about issues I was going through and made you all sit here and wonder, what the HECK is up with her, and if you didn't...oh well! Well, little did I know God was doing something - he's always doing something - and I tend to be completely blind at first. Who isn't?

First of all, lets say those issues - GONE! Even better than that - it was all in my head! YES! I knew I was going crazy! :) It's so funny to me now, looking back, a lot of the issues with the issues were created by me - not stepping up and listening when I should have been. Yah, I like to think I am in charge - but God has other plans.

I have realized a lot over the past 2 days that God has really blessed me! I mean I knew it but now, now I KNOW it...and all it took was a sermon, 2 bonfires and an email! :) (and a partridge in a pear tree).

Pastor Mike's sermon this sunday was about God rocking our world. He discussed Act 16 - in which Paul and Silas were in jail. It really hit me as Pastor Mike talked about how they waited. Waiting for me - well lets say I am not a waiter...I am impatient...yet here this innocent men are, in jail, and rather than giving in and giving up and walking away, they waited. I mean...they could have just been like, "ok God, seriously, we are SO over this.." but they didn't. They waited until God has accomplished what he wanted and then they left. Pastor Mike brought up the thought, ya know, after the earthquake the doors were open....P and S could have just left while the guard slept - but nooooo, they stayed, they waited. WHAT? I mean, awesome. I have to admit, God has really rocked my world in my life...and I will also admit that there have been some incidents in which I did not wait...and I regret that. But the times I stayed and waited and saw what God had in store - man, they did rock my world. This sermon seriously just hit me...in a good way.

Sunday evening was the Vista staff bonfire at our friend's the Webbs. God opened up my eyes during the bonfire. See, these are people that most of the time I only spend time with at church or church functions. For example Pastor Mike's awesome wife - see I have only ever seen her at something church related - rather a actual sunday service, choir practice or program. It was cool for me to see her in a new way - like any other women...I am so used to her being the illusive Tammy Smith, wife of the pastor...but I tend to forget she's just like me. It was good for me to see her and others in the relaxed environment. As I sat with these amazing people...it hit me, God has placed some amazing people in my life...I am VERY fortunate. I left that evening very content and thrilled to call these people my friends.

Then last night...bonfire #2. This was with my old life group. And once again I realized - I have been blessed with amazing friends. It was great to see Parker playing with the other kids and friends. My son has some very special friends in that group. I am so glad he is going to grow up knowing them. The bonfire last night made me miss that life group...i mean, it seems like this group has been through a lot together and these are friends that I will have for a long time. We have invested in each other a lot and it's good to know that we all connect well. Once again - God showed me what I hadn't been seeing.

Then this morning - I received an email. I am not sure if I have posted it on here, but I have been praying for a while to make friends in my apartment complex. See, this complex is full of young families and we have lived here a year now and I knew no one really. I got to know the couple below us a bit, but they moved out in June and I ended up feeling very lonely. I didn't know anyone, I was too shy to put myself out there, even though it wouldn't have been that hard. Well about a month ago, maybe a little longer a new couple moved in below us. They have a little boy and I decided to take them some cookies when they were moving in. We talked a bit and introduced ourselves to each other. Then nothing - we didn't really see each other much and when we did, it was more of a hi - bye deal. After we got back from vacation in Sept. they brought us some cookies and thanked us for welcoming them. Then again - nothing...hi-byes. Until last week. I was sitting here watching some Tv and Parker was napping - there was a knock on my door. It was S, the mom, asking me if I would like to go on a walk with her and her son. Parker was napping, but I told her that once he woke up, we'd join her. We went on a walk around the complex and got to know each other. We discussed maybe hosting play groups with some others in complex and evening getting together to have dinner. I emailed her to thank her for the walk and invite her to my Mommies and Munchkins group and didn't hear back from her. I tried not to let it bother me, but it did and I felt like maybe I had made a bad impression or something. Well this morning I got an email from her. She was genuinely happy to meet me and wanted to try to get together weekly to talk and what not.

I don't know why I sit here blind to God's provisions and blessings and direction, but I am going to start watching and looking for those opportunities more.

God is like cool and stuff!

I'm NOT a bad mom, and Parker is NOT stupid...so deal!

Ha, I love my title. Sure, it's a bit long, but some days I just want to scream that to the world...so here I am screaming:

I AM NOT A BAD MOM!!!!!

PARKER IS NOT STUPID OR SLOW!!!!!

SO DEAL WITH IT DUDE!


Ok, so no one called me a bad mom and no one called Parker stupid (at least not that I am aware of) but satan seems to like to drill this into my head on a bad day.

Well you know what satan - go sit on a tack you annoying little twerp...I am SO OVER YOU!

Not that I have yelled at twerpazoid I am happy to announce that for once in my measly motherhood I feel like a good mom! Ok, maybe not for once - but it has been a while to be honest.

Parker had a meeting with his Help Me Grow case worker today. Parker is doing great over all, his scores are really good...except for two:
- Communication: we are so close to not being in the delayed part
- Social - Emotional: we are close to being in the delayed part.
I am actually really happy about that...I know that Parker is a lousy communicator (must get that from me!) and I know that there are some things he is just behind on...but that does not make him stupid or slow.

Give the kid a break, he was after all born a whole 11 weeks early...and considering where he is right now, he's doing GREAT! Our case worker said she has worked with other 29 weekers and that Parker is doing VERY well considering. He is - surprisingly enough an early walker!

I am thrilled by this. Here I am thinking my child is on his way to delayedville USA, but nope, he's doing great.

He starts therapy this Friday! I really look forward to it because I am at a point where I feel burnt out working with him all the time. It will be nice to have someone who went to school for this stuff here to help him. And I look forward to learning how to help him with his mildly delayed areas. I love spending time with him.

I think I am realizing that I am too hard on myself when it comes to being a mom. I also know that I worry too much - WAY too much. But I am sorta starting to let go and really trust God for Parker's growth and development.

That's a good thing if you ask me.

(did this blog seem random?)

Following the Leader

God's been up to something recently in the Northern household and it is great to see His direction coming to fruition. For a while now Drew and I have been praying, seeking God's wisdom and desiring to host our own life group (some call it small group) but didn't really know anything other than the desire. We've kind of just been waiting on the right time or a clear "Go" to do so. Well, God's been up to something.

See, our church has been multiplying - there are a lot more young families now and there are ones that are desiring more connections with others. It's great to see our church having such a positive affect in the community. Being the administrative assistant for the kids community, I see weekly how our kids community is impacted by the growth of our church and the new families coming in to visit or even join. I do attendance weekly and I add at least one new family a week as a visitor and I see a lot continue to come back - it's awesome. It's a positive thing for me to be able to pour into these families through the Kids Community and now, God is leading Drew and I in another way we can pour into these families.

Through Life Group!

I have been a part of a life group now for almost 2 years (maybe less - it's been at least a year) and I have loved every. single. moment. of the time I have spent with this group of young families. I am BLESSED to call them my friends and am thankful that we were able to be in a group together. Our leaders of our group - the S.1 family, have been amazing to us. They have poured into us and the rest of the families in this group. The entire group and many other people outside of it came along side us when Parker was born. It was then that I knew what it was like to have a family other than my parents. I have a church family who loves me and my family and I am thankful for that. Anyways, back to the group. Our kids our growing up together and will always (I hope anyway) remain close and remain friends.

It's great that young families are multiplying, sadly, though, we haven't had a lot of life groups that have met that age group. Until this time. Our group is happily multiplying (I refuse to say breaking apart - because it's good, not bad!) and we are going to be helping out our friends the S. 2 family (another family that starts with S) in another group! I guess you could say kind of like co-leaders, though are names aren't officially on the sign up sheet, we plan to be be a part of this group and invest very much in the new families that come into it. Some of the families I will know, others, are new at church and I am excited to be able to come along S 2 family and help lead and love on these other families.

God has really been preparing Drew and I for this moment - and while no, we aren't the actual leaders it's great practice and training for one day actually leading our own. Personally, I am not this big public speaker person - I get flustered and forget what I am going to say, use strange words, or forget what word I want to use. But I have been getting better. I feel like my role with the Kids Community has started setting me up for that, as well as other experiences. I want to be the blessing to someone that the S. 1 family and other families in our LG have been to us.

So for those of you reading this from our LG, consider this our official announcement that we are helping to start another LG and we are so excited! We will miss everyone and our weekly get together, but we still plan to be a part of your lives as often as we can! This doesn't mean we can't talk anymore, just means we will see a little less of each other.

I look forward to seeing what God has in store for the new LG and I can't wait to meet new people.

God is so good!