Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Struggles Shmuggles

I am so frustrated right now and I just want to take evil and his lies and put him in the garbage and throw him away.

Yet....something stops me...

I am letting evil win and I hate that. I HATE it.

Since the conference it seems that satan has been on this mission to ruin everything I learned and make me feel miserable. And I am pretty sure that I am not the only one he's been doing this too. The healing and the strength I got from the conference have helped me to make changes, yet at every friggin' chance he get, satan is hell bent on ruining this healing and strength. And darn it if he isn't really holding me down right now. It's been just over a week since the conference and here I sit, allowing this pathetic little being get into my head with really rather stupid lies.

"She doesn't like you"
"Denise, you don't fit in - don't you see that?"
"Do you really think Parker is that ok, come one, he's tiny...he's never gonna be big, he's gonna get made fun of."
"Your parents don't love you, if they did they'd act like Marsha's parents." (I just made up a name - but I do have specific ones.)
"She is only pretending to be your friend because you have a preemie."
"You are fat, ugly, pathetic and worthless."
"He loves Apple more than you..."
"Winter is here forever...you can't ever go out again...haha...snow forever."

and it goes on and on and on.

I am doing my hardest to combat these lies with truth, but I won't even remotely lie - it's been HARD. Winter is a hard time for me in general. I mean, it's gloomy and cold and wet and snowy and bleck - and when you have depression and are trying so HARD to not give into the "oh, blankie, how I love thee and oh bed, you're my best friend" feeling it's hard. Then add in all the lies coming into play and I lay here and repeat them and hear them over and over and over. And it stinks!

I am reading my Bible more, I am doing my best to bathe in the Word and Truth. I know God won't let me down, I know He is the gold medal winner always (sorry, had to pull in an olympic pun!) I get that, but I also do a great job of building walls up and bad habits up and it irritates me.

I have been a Christian since I was 9 - that's when I accepted Christ and that's when I got baptized, but there are days I feel like a brand new Christian. In college I got really disciplined my freshman year with my bible study and faith and then it all feel apart. I am not sure why or when (though I think I could probably pinpoint was particular incident that just did me in if I tried hard enough) but I stopped. Sure I went to church and things got better and I got into reading my Bible again, but it became a habit of only doing it when I needed it most.

I do that now. On days like today when lies are just flooding my heart and head, I go to the Bible and read and bathe. I feel a bit better, I stop and satan still continues. It's a never ending cycle for me. It angers me that I can't get past this darn hurdle. How do I do that.

I have really in the past few years grown in my faith. Primarily when Parker was born. I mean how could my faith not grow? I am growing daily. I have surrounded myself with friends that build me up and encourage and keep me accountable and who I know genuinely love and care for me. Many I have met since Parker, but I seriously appreciate them and love and care for them. I have stepped out and into uncomfortable places after feeling Gods lead and I have grown immensely from those challenges. I am trying to allow myself to be more open and honest and allow you, my friends, and other friends, to help me and love me, even if I am embarrassed. I am doing the best I can, I REALLY REALLY am.

That's part of why I wrote this post, that's why I can say that God is bigger and HE BEATS EVIL - always. He's my daddy.

I have a long way to go, but I have high hopes that I will learn more and grow more and build stronger disciplines and some day even beable to tell satan to shove it.

Oh my gravy, did I just say that? Oh well, he can sit on a take for all I care!

I loved this therapy session, thanks for listening.


Carrie said...

Aw, Denise, I'm sorry you're struggling, but at least you're recognizing it for what it is! I am struggling right now, too, so I will pray for you! I completely understand - the hard thing about life is that it's just SO daily - I had a great prayer time while washing dishes earlier today & then my son got up SUPER early from his nap & I was struggling again, like, five minutes after I felt refreshed & ready to take on the afternoon - it's so frustrating. :( So, I hear you, and I will pray for you!!

Marla Taviano said...

He doesn't love Apple more than you. ;)

Love you, friend!

Ali said...

As you know, Satan has been tackling me full force since the conference. Funny how he sweeps in when we are drawing closer to God. Damn you, satan.

I'm so thankful to know that you realize those are ALL lies. All of them. And they are lies built on other lies that satan has been feeding you for years. That's the hardest part, the lies have been eating away at us for so long that we don't even know what's a lie anymore.

Keep going through your conference notebook. That's helped me a lot. It helps me to get back to the place that I was when I was at the conference. I was on a high and have since come down. But flipping back through the notebook helps remind me of why I was on a high in the first place. The Holy Spirit is so powerful, and God never fails.

Love you.