Mother's Day Recap

Mommies out there - I hope you all had a wonderful Mother's Day! I know mine was super special and I had a great day. Here is a recap of the day.

Mother's day started out like a normal Sunday. Got up, got dressed, usual routine with Parker, ate, headed to church. Church was good. We had baby dedications and the sermon was good as well. Drew had left for church earlier than me to help with set up and such, so when I got there, i was surprised by this:



It a reusable cup from Starbucks, I LOVE IT! He had it filled with my favorite drink - Green Tea Lemonade Sweetened. MMMM. He also presented me with a $15 itunes card. Probably to get me off his back for wanting some new songs on my iphone. (Kidding!) However, it was hard to pick just 15 songs...I had a long list. But I narrowed it down. Can't wait to have those on my phone tonight!

After church we had cake and punch for the families who had their child dedicated. I then came home and was surprised - Again. Mandi was here, she has a spare key from way back when she took care of our cat for us. She came over while we were at church and cleaned the apartment some. She also set up my Mother's Day surprise. It was honestly very nice to come home and have a clean living room that had been swept. On my dining room table were a balloon bouquet, some flowers and a few gift boxes. In the smallest box was a beautiful necklace from Mandi. It was blue, my favorite color! I unfortunately don't have a picture of it right now, but I will take one soon. In the big box was my gift from Parker. It was by far the best gift I think I have ever received. (Next to him ;) of course!) It was this beautiful hand made plate with his hand print on it....see



I think it might be the best personalized gift I have received. Well, not sure though, because I also adore my personalized necklace with PArker's name on it I got last year. Anyways. I love it. His hands are special to me - when he was in the NICU, I help his hands a LOT, when we would kangaroo he would always massage my chest with his hands, one time he laid on his hand it made a red imprint on my skin over my heart! Anytime I need a hug, he always reaches out to me with his hands. So for me to receive this gift with his hand print on it, well, it met the world to me. It's a very special gift and a huge surprise because I didn't see it coming. I cried a bit. But that's ok, because it met I was happy!

After opening the gifts Drew took a nap since he had been sick the past few days, Parker took a nap and Mandi and I well, we talked and watched Mythbusters. We spent the afternoon resting and relaxing and playing with Parker. At dinner time we headed to:


It was fun, though the waiting was kind of long (then again it was Mother's Day!) Oh and while we were waiting to be seated Parker had his first kiss. There was a little girl walking around with her mom - she was a beginner walker, because she had to hold both her mom's hands and she kinda tiptoed. Anyway, they came up near us and Parker was trying to talk to her. She walked right up to him and bam, laid one on him. Parker looked up at me and back at her and she did it again. Everyone around us did what anyone should do - a unison "Awwwww" and then the mom apologized. I told her it was totally fine, no big deal. I mean, it's not like she punched him or something...ya know? It was a little kid being a little kid. I had no issues. I was more concerned she had gotten some of Parker's snot on her since his nose was runny. It was super cute though. And made it an unforgettable day for sure.

The rest of the evening was spent editing wedding photos from the wedding Mandi and I shot. I will share a few tomorrow.

So to say yesterday was awesome - that would be an understatement. Parker, Drew and Mandi made it an incredibly special day for me. I have never felt more special then I did yesterday. It was definitely a mother's day I will never ever forget. Plus, now I have it all in writing...teehee.

I hope yours was a good one too!

Struggles Shmuggles

I am so frustrated right now and I just want to take evil and his lies and put him in the garbage and throw him away.

Yet....something stops me...

I am letting evil win and I hate that. I HATE it.

Since the conference it seems that satan has been on this mission to ruin everything I learned and make me feel miserable. And I am pretty sure that I am not the only one he's been doing this too. The healing and the strength I got from the conference have helped me to make changes, yet at every friggin' chance he get, satan is hell bent on ruining this healing and strength. And darn it if he isn't really holding me down right now. It's been just over a week since the conference and here I sit, allowing this pathetic little being get into my head with really rather stupid lies.

"She doesn't like you"
"Denise, you don't fit in - don't you see that?"
"Do you really think Parker is that ok, come one, he's tiny...he's never gonna be big, he's gonna get made fun of."
"Your parents don't love you, if they did they'd act like Marsha's parents." (I just made up a name - but I do have specific ones.)
"She is only pretending to be your friend because you have a preemie."
"You are fat, ugly, pathetic and worthless."
"He loves Apple more than you..."
"Winter is here forever...you can't ever go out again...haha...snow forever."

and it goes on and on and on.

I am doing my hardest to combat these lies with truth, but I won't even remotely lie - it's been HARD. Winter is a hard time for me in general. I mean, it's gloomy and cold and wet and snowy and bleck - and when you have depression and are trying so HARD to not give into the "oh, blankie, how I love thee and oh bed, you're my best friend" feeling it's hard. Then add in all the lies coming into play and I lay here and repeat them and hear them over and over and over. And it stinks!

I am reading my Bible more, I am doing my best to bathe in the Word and Truth. I know God won't let me down, I know He is the gold medal winner always (sorry, had to pull in an olympic pun!) I get that, but I also do a great job of building walls up and bad habits up and it irritates me.

I have been a Christian since I was 9 - that's when I accepted Christ and that's when I got baptized, but there are days I feel like a brand new Christian. In college I got really disciplined my freshman year with my bible study and faith and then it all feel apart. I am not sure why or when (though I think I could probably pinpoint was particular incident that just did me in if I tried hard enough) but I stopped. Sure I went to church and things got better and I got into reading my Bible again, but it became a habit of only doing it when I needed it most.

I do that now. On days like today when lies are just flooding my heart and head, I go to the Bible and read and bathe. I feel a bit better, I stop and satan still continues. It's a never ending cycle for me. It angers me that I can't get past this darn hurdle. How do I do that.

I have really in the past few years grown in my faith. Primarily when Parker was born. I mean how could my faith not grow? I am growing daily. I have surrounded myself with friends that build me up and encourage and keep me accountable and who I know genuinely love and care for me. Many I have met since Parker, but I seriously appreciate them and love and care for them. I have stepped out and into uncomfortable places after feeling Gods lead and I have grown immensely from those challenges. I am trying to allow myself to be more open and honest and allow you, my friends, and other friends, to help me and love me, even if I am embarrassed. I am doing the best I can, I REALLY REALLY am.

That's part of why I wrote this post, that's why I can say that God is bigger and HE BEATS EVIL - always. He's my daddy.

I have a long way to go, but I have high hopes that I will learn more and grow more and build stronger disciplines and some day even beable to tell satan to shove it.

Oh my gravy, did I just say that? Oh well, he can sit on a take for all I care!

I loved this therapy session, thanks for listening.

I'm No Michelle Kwan...

Oh, the dreams I had growing up. Especially during the winter olympics...I was all about it. And all I wanted to watch was figure skating. Especially the women's.

I was all about Nancy Kerrigan, Kristy Yamiguchi, Michelle Kwan....so on, so on...

And after I watched them perform, the next morning...I'd be out in our backyard on the ice rink that was created in a large whole we had.

Now on the ice - Denise Deerwester of the USA. She's performing to "The Song in my Head." Oh yah and I'd start...and I'd do my triple axels and loops (other wise known as me jumping just a bit off the ice straight up...it's all I could do.) And my camel spins...or not so much. I'd end and break down in tears at how wonderful I had just done. I could faintly hear that chanting of USA, USA - in my head atleast) and I would go to my spot to get my scores... All perfect tens thankyouverymuch.

I had a dream....no it never came true, but I'd still like to think that I could go out there and get a perfect score and kick some booty on the ice.

Except that I hate the cold weather now...and I have no desire to really be out. Though I do miss ice skating!

You don't want to know what I did during the summer Olympics and my "gymnastics." Seriously...I think you'd have night mares!


You're turn, head over to Mama Kat's site and write from the list of 5 prompts.
1.) The heart that just wouldn’t quit.
2.) Relay an entertaining conversation or string of emails you recently had with someone.
3.) Open your picture folders…find a random “February” picture from a past year and tell a story.
4.) Childhood memory time: Write about something you loved to do as a child.
5.) “The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned” ~ Maya Angelou -Now write.

We Are the Champions!!!!

And this is where I break out into "We are the Champions" and do the happy dance.

This Man:


Lead this Team:


To:


Now that makes me happy!



I am happy! :)

Living La Vida Loca

I feel like I haven't had anything exciting to say recently. I feel like my blog is repetitive and boring. But I have some things to talk about...so I figured, what the hey, I will just update.

1) Haiti
My heart breaks for those affected by the earthquake down there. It seems like tragedies like this really make me check myself. I've been complaining a lot about not having a house...I hate living in an apartment. Then I see what those people were living in prior to this devastation and I feel completely lousy. How can I complain about a nice apt. and needs being met...when others are living in such horrible conditions. I won't lie, I've been glued to the TV at night. I keep watching Anderson Cooper 360 because I love his perspective on it. But it makes me sad. So so sad. I wish there was more I could do...but there's not.

2) Parker Boy
What a character he is now. I mean, this kid is just a nut! His favorite word is No...and it's not that he's defiant...in fact, he just walks around..."no, no no no no no no..." Parker do you love mommy" "NO!", Parker is your diaper stinky? "No." Parker is that your foot? "No" It's super funny when he nods his head and then says no...he also likes to come up to me when I am eating something he looks at me with the sweetest face and says "biiiite." And because I am the loving mommy I am - I give him one! Oh and every time he's pushing something on the floor it's "vooooooooommmmm." He likes to dance some and he loves Sesame Street. He loves books...he makes me read every one he owns.

3) Me
Well, I am doing well. I got to talk to my OB/GYN today about what I face if I get pregnant again ********WE ARE NOT PREGNANT AND WE ARE NOT CURRENTLY TRYING********** As it turns out I will have to see a High Risk Doc. if/when I do get pregnant again. But she would like me to lose several lbs. and get off my anti-depressant. My goal is to kick myself into gear and start exercising and doing portion control..ect. I am considering joining spark people. Please pray for me as I work on this. I want to be healthy if/when I get pregnant again...and even if not. I am overweight.

I got my hair done today. It's so nice to have such lovely hair again. It's colored and cut and smells so good and is so soft. It's been a while since I have had it colored so I treated myself. I went to a beauty college so it was cheap-arific. Took a while because they have to take their time and then an instruct has to ok it...but it was so worth it.

I am obsessed with the Duggar's. Not that I want 19 kids (I don't - I want 2) but I just appreciate their program more, since I have started watching it more. I am reading their book, I made their tater tot casserole (yum) and then I am planning to watch their special about their newest little one. (Their 19th was a preemie). Emotionally, I feel like it will be hard, but good for me to watch. I wish I had a calm soul like Michelle...I mean the woman never yells...me I do everyday - at Parker...ok not yell but talk with a stern voice.

4) Other things
Our church is turning 3 years old this week. Can you believe it. We just started 3 years ago and we already have an average attendance of 100 kids a week and 500 adults. God is so good.

I think that's all I have friends...until the next time I have something interesting to say...

Just Breathe

Well, as promised I am back after the craziness of Christmas to update you on how things are. I decided to entitle this, "Just Breathe" for several reasons, but mostly because I need to be and just breathe. It's been a VERY busy month and it was topped off with an amazing program at Vista where we saw over 2,000 people come over three performances to hear the story of Hope! It was truly amazing. I cried some because of just how powerful it felt just being in the choir on stage. There was a very special testimony that I would love for you to watch. It's from Billy and Amy and it's just moving! It's the story of Hope. And it's beautiful.

We had several friend and family come into town to see the program and enjoyed spending time with all of them!

The Monday before Christmas I had to take Parker to the ER. He was having breathing issues and his albuterol was not at all helping. It was scary, but he's ok now. He does have asthma and so we will be learning more about how to deal with that. I won't lie, I am not happy about it, but I am thankful that it is nothing more serious.

Drew's parents came out for Christmas and we enjoyed having them around. I enjoyed them taking care of Parker for me. Christmas was great, we all got some wonderful presents. Some of my favs include: my Colts Snuggie! (Go Blue!), a hand made scarf, a scarf Drew got me at Forever 21 (it's so pretty), and a picture frame that says meow and has a picture of my kitty. I miss her :(

Parker got some great gifts...and enjoys all of them! Also, please be praying for Tabatha and Logan, he's been super sick and they are currently at the ER. I wish I knew how to help her.

So I think I am going to go and just breathe and be. If I don't say it before Friday - Happy New Year. I hope you have a blessed 2010

Hello Strangers...

Well, I have totally stunk at updating this thing recently and I greatly apologize. I can honestly say things have been super busy and this took a back seat for a while. However, I need this blog and I am planning to REALLY try to update it better. How many times recently have I said that? I am serious though. I also know that some of you may be reading this because my wonderful in-laws added in our blog address for Parker updates. And I would hate for you to not get any!

Speaking of which - Parker is doing wonderful. His vocabulary has grown a lot recently. We are currently seeing him use these words frequently:
- Mama (or meme)
- Dada
- Uh-oh (comes out more like ohhhhh)
- Yah
- Oh yah
- No (thankfully, he doesn't say this often, he does nod his head)
- Cookie (more like ook) (like hook without the h)
- Hot Dog (haha, this is his newest - gog - like dog with a g)
- Elmo (ok so this one is more like ehmo)
- Hoo, Hoo

Not to shabby! I am sure this ST* will be impressed considering last time she was here we didn't even get half of that! He walks and climbs on everything. He's hysterical really...and a pain at times. He's been in this mood of testing recently. Like for example, let's see what mommy does when I try to eat my night light. (Not the best night and no worries he didn't hurt himself and it's now where he cant reach it). Parker can successfully go up and down stairs, though we keep the stairway closed off to him unless we are actually going down them to get out of our apartment. He is quite the eater and we are working on using sippys. He uses the kind with straws, but the therapist would prefer we use the other kind.

In general, we are all ok. Very very busy this month (hence the lack of updates). The first week of dec. was crazy, we had something going on every day. Last week, not too bad, this week - two christmas parties, and then our Christmas church concert Fri - Sun. And we have guests Friday, Sat. and sunday! Oh yah, fun times! And then next week the in-laws get here for Christmas. I am so excited. I love spending time with them.

I may not update the rest of the week, hopefully you can understand that it's just that time of year. Please be praying for me, I am so burnt out. I am drained emotionally, physically, spiritually and really need next week. Pray for Hope:The Invitation my church christmas program! I can't wait and I want it to touch people! Pray for safe travels for my dad and stepmom (they are coming sat), for our friend Dave (coming Friday) and for Brandee and Rick (coming sat) and for safe travels for my in-laws.

I hope you all enjoy your Christmas! Sorry I won't be around much! I will try maybe one more update between now and next wed.

Hugs

Journal Journey Wednesday (pt.2 & 3)

***Just so everyone knows, this one will be a bit longer since last week I totally had a brain fart and didn't post! Enjoy - though if you don't read it all - I understand!***

June 14, 2008

"There are days I miss being pregnant. It kind of hurts to know that I'll never have that big belly, the inside out belly button, labor pains, or a vaginal birth experience. I think I really need to mourn this reality - so I can move on and focus primarily on Parker. I need to go home and pack up my maternity clothes - it's hard to walk in my closet and see them hanging there. I also am gonna get rid of my pregnancy books, just seeing them makes me sad."

June 15, 2008

"Happy Daddy's Day!!! Great news, Parker is off CPAP! His numbers are staying up great right now. He has had a couple of brady's but bounces back quickly"

June 16, 2008

"Went to church last night and boy am I glad! I really needed it. I didn't feel bombarded with people or questions, though I talked to so many! I enjoyed the message too! It was about outreach, which is weighing on my heart. Being here in the NICU I feel that I have a lot of opportunity to reach out to others, but I just don't know how to approach them."

June 17, 2008

"Today has been an incredibly hard day...I am so ticked right now - I am pretty sure that I have the worlds worst nurse. She is very unpersonable and has been short with us all morning. It doesn't help because today has started out totally cruddy. I got a call from Dr. W. at 7:30 this morning. Parker had had a rough night. They put him on oxygen and took an xray of his chest and belly. This showed something in his bowel, which could be a possible infection. They have suspended his feeds until they find out what's going on. They even drew blood and put him back on an IV...

(Later that day)
"At this point they don't think it's an infection, but they are waiting on cultures, which will take a couple of days. He will be staying on his nasal cannula. I was reading Marla's book just now and came across this quote:'Our little ones are resilient and forgiving. Our God is a God of grace. These experiences keep us humble and remind us of our need for a Savior. And those angels are always on duty.' Oh how I needed that today."

(Even later that day...)
"This whole thing is frustrating me. I mean besides my growing PPD; I am watching my child struggle. It feels like he takes 4 steps forward and 15 steps back. i feel like we are gonna be in this NICU FOREVER. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I feel my hope just slowly fading away. I see no light at the end of the tunnel. I am doing my best to fully rely on God and trust that He is handling this situation. I really just want to scream out to God. Or maybe even scream at Him. Is it even ok that I am angry? Because I am so angry. I truly do not understand why I am finding myself in this situation. I feel like I am being punished or something. But, yet, I know deep down I am not. The hardest thing is to meet other children and see them thriving when Parker is having all these issues. I keep playing the comparison game. I look over at L and think 'well he's been off Cpap for a couple weeks and is doing well. Parker not so much.' But Parker is not L, nor is he B or anyone else, he's Parker. This is how Parker is, this is his life and his set of challenges - this is what will make him stronger and make him who he is as Parker. It doesn't make it any easier to watch him struggle though..."



It kind almost cracks me up to read these now. Mostly because of my horrible grammar and punctuation. I can look back now at this set of entries and clearly see what God was doing. He grew my so much during that time. I have since learned to lean on Him and trust Him and His will. That hard day I was having on June 17th just shows this to me. At the time, I didn't think I could make it through. I was angry with the rude nurse, scared for Parker, depressed, angry with God, wanting to scream....and now I look at it and clearly see God's leading and His lessons. I won't lie, there are a lot of times now that I struggle to trust, but I have grown to know that that's all I can do at times. And I see what this trusting can do. I trusted God with Parker's allergy tests and they came back mostly great!

God is good and he has a plan for Parker...who knew? - Oh He did!

A Word From Our Sponsors...

Ok, so make it a word from the writer of this here blog. I will do my special post here in just a moment but first I need to pretty much let it out and beg you all for prayers.

If you follow my on facebook then most of you know the current state of my mind and the situation with Parker. If you don't then here is a basic run down.

Parker is ill - some tummy bug virus thing that has made him poo like there's no tomorrow and not eat a darn thing. He has thankfully been drinking like a champ so he is super hydrated. I took him to the doctor yesterday because I had been changing at least 10 diapers a day due to his body just simply cleaning out. The doctor was thrilled that he had not had a fever at all and that it's basically been diarrhea. We have to let it run its course and of course that is just hard in and of itself. Each day Parker is doing better - though he still isn't eating much at all and he's very worn out, which I would be too.

This on top of his therapy that he is currently going through, the new formula they have switched him to and the appointment next week for allergy testing is really overwhelming me. I am mentally burnt out, emotionally burnt out and my eyes hurt from crying. I can honestly say that my depressions is back and terrible and I am shutting myself down and off to others.

So if you could take the time to pray Parker heals better and that I can find peace and rest that would be awesome.

65 Minutes in the Hallway

Today is the first of my guest posts and I have asked my husband to share his side of the preemie experience. I hope that you enjoy his part of the story...

When Denise asked me to write about my experience as a NICU dad and father of a preemie, I knew I needed to accept the offer. Parker is probably the single greatest accomplishment in my life so far. For years I have realized that being a dad is among the greatest honors that I can imagine. His birth, though, was one of the most disorienting experiences possible.

9 days prior to Parker's birth, Denise & I had been to the hospital in the middle of the night because she was experiencing difficulty breathing. During that long ordeal, the diagnosis was the severe heartburn that plagues many women during pregnancy. Her OB, though, did follow up and was paying attention to all of the right things in those 9 days until Parker's birth.

Having set that context, when Denise wasn't able to sleep comfortably on May 28, neither of us suspected what was going to be happening in the next few hours. At 3am, having exhausted all of our ideas for making her comfortable, we called the doctor who referred us back to the hospital. When we arrived at 4am, both of us assumed it would be another short stay in the triage section of labor & delivery for a similar ailment.

As things progressed and we learned the seriousness of Denise's condition, that's when I went into "hospital mode". When I was growing up, my brother, Steve have multiple medical complications that led to routine hospitalizations. Being 4 years older than me, I never knew life that wasn't in and out of the hospital. Personally, I've never been admitted to a hospital, but I've spent significant time around them and doctors' offices. That's led to me having pretty strong coping mechanisms and such for that environment that I collectively call "hospital mode".

On the morning of May 29, 2008, all I knew was that I had to go into "hospital mode" in order to be strong and be there for my wife and soon-to-be-born child. I disconnected myself emotionally from what was happening and was simply "there" for Denise. During the hour or so we had between the decision for the emergency c-section and her being wheeled back into the surgical suite, I simply stood by her bed and sought to comfort her.

When they took her back to surgery, I was unable to go with her. The process of getting me prepped to be in the operating room was going to take too long, particularly in light of the fact that she would be under general anesthesia and that this was an emergency procedure. I was able to walk alongside as they wheeled her back to the operating suite, but had to stop at the big red line on the floor that divides the sterile from open environments. At the big red line, I was introduced to my companion for the next 65 minutes, the bench.

Just outside the recovery section of the labor & delivery surgical suite, there is a bench in the hallway. That was where I spent the approximately 65 minutes between when Denise was wheeled into surgery and when she was taken to the ICU. In those 65 minutes, I sat numbly texting furiously to keep myself occupied. The staff at the hospital was so gracious to me. They checked on me, they offered me snacks, and they updated me on my family. I cannot thank them enough.

Those 65 minutes are the longest of my life. When it comes to my family, I am a doer. I do things. I don't sit by. I have this compulsion to fix things and to be active. For those 65 minutes, sitting alone in the hallway on a bench, I could do nothing.

Finding out that I had a son, meeting him as he was transported to the NICU, walking with Denise as she was transported to the ICU - these are all memories that I take with me from that hallway.

After those 65 minutes in the hallway, I wasn't just a husband, I was a dad too. In the 525 days since then, I have grown, I have spent 69 days watching my son fight and grow in the NICU. I have seen him become a toddler. I have walked in the March for Babies. I have done many things since that time, but it to me is the center of my experience as the dad of a preemie.

Writing about this has been a good step for me. Honestly, I am still working through the emotional side of things from those 65 minutes in the hallway. Much of me is still in "hospital mode" when it comes to that experience. Being the parent of a preemie doesn't stop at a given time, it is an experience that shapes the rest of your life.

If my story has helped you understand prematurity a bit more or even piqued your interest in the topic, please visit www.marchofdimes.com to learn about the reality and see how you can become involved in the work surrounding prematurity.

Anxiety

Just the word gives me anxiety. My problem is, I am REALLY struggling it right now in regards to some things.

First, Parker! I am anxious about his therapy and that he will never ever talk. I am anxious about his allergies - the more he's started eating, the more I see reactions to wheat, which I know he has a mild allergy too. He basically breaks out anytime he has something wheat related (like his current addiction, cheese toast or oatmeal). It shows up around his mouth and goes away with in a couple hours. He doesn't seemed bothered by it, but I don't want it to get worse. I called his Dr. and we now have an appointment in 2 weeks with one of his associates who happens to be an allergist. To me, that's actually kind of nice, I don't have to have to go to a different place for allergist appointments. Ali - I believe you might know this certain dr...you like him right?

Parker's main therapist M was here today. He did pretty good, she's impressed with what he can do. She worked with him on stacking blocks and 2 step things...he did good! She let us borrow some peg puzzles to work on with him. It's his speech that causes the most anxiety - or stress I guess. I just feel like at times it is so pointless to sit there and have him try to repeat you or you repeat everything he says. Yet, at the same time, I see small improvements here and there!

Second, I scheduled a dr.'s appointment for myself. I hate doctors...seriously, if there was a phobia, I would have it and if there is one, I am sure I would be diagnosed with it. For me to have a consistent dr is a big deal. I have had my ob/gyn for almost 2 years now - that's huge. If she could be my dr for everything, I would do it in a second. But sadly, no such luck. Drew and I have lived here for 4 years and I have yet to have even just a family doctor for us. A lot of that stems from my fear of them. The funny thing is, I haven't always had this fear. In Indiana I had a family doctor I loved - but I can't exactly bribe him to come and be my dr. again and I don't want to move back to Warsaw just for a dr. The last family doctor I had was so mean and rude to me...and I haven't wanted to go one since. She basically "yelled" at me for being overweight. The whole reason I had gone to her was to get help and suggestions to lose weight and she turned it around and made me feel guilty for being heavy. Who does that? I left her that day bawling and never went back and decided that doctors weren't for me. But recently, I have been realizing it would be nice to have a consistent Dr. rather than going to urgent care all the time. So I dived in and asked a special friend about her dr and she talked to me about him and the practice he works for. Both Drew and I have an appointment with a female dr in that practice on Nov. 12. We are getting physicals - what exactly do these include? I think the last time I had a physical was in high school. So if anyone knows what they do, I'd like to know. I am really anxious not knowing. I do know they do a blood draw - which let me tell ya, I am so thrilled for NOT! But what else? I just don't want this dr. to be mean to me. I am scared that I have some horrible serious disease that they will find. The fears are endless.

I have anxiety about some other things too (like dentists....I didn't even like having to be there to pick Drew up when he had his wisdom teeth taken out last year).

I think I worry too much! No, I know I worry too much.

Oh and an update on little man's hands - they are all better. They still are sorta red where the new skin is growing, but he is completely unbandaged and using them fully. He is terrified of the oven now - when I open it he screams and cries. I am glad but sad that it took him burning his hands to get that way.

Hope you like my new look, my friend Heather did it for me! She's awesome!

In which a title doesn't explain it...

God is really working in my life right now and while it took me FOREVER to see it, I am so glad I finally open up my eyes to all the good things he is doing. A couple weeks ago I wrote about issues I was going through and made you all sit here and wonder, what the HECK is up with her, and if you didn't...oh well! Well, little did I know God was doing something - he's always doing something - and I tend to be completely blind at first. Who isn't?

First of all, lets say those issues - GONE! Even better than that - it was all in my head! YES! I knew I was going crazy! :) It's so funny to me now, looking back, a lot of the issues with the issues were created by me - not stepping up and listening when I should have been. Yah, I like to think I am in charge - but God has other plans.

I have realized a lot over the past 2 days that God has really blessed me! I mean I knew it but now, now I KNOW it...and all it took was a sermon, 2 bonfires and an email! :) (and a partridge in a pear tree).

Pastor Mike's sermon this sunday was about God rocking our world. He discussed Act 16 - in which Paul and Silas were in jail. It really hit me as Pastor Mike talked about how they waited. Waiting for me - well lets say I am not a waiter...I am impatient...yet here this innocent men are, in jail, and rather than giving in and giving up and walking away, they waited. I mean...they could have just been like, "ok God, seriously, we are SO over this.." but they didn't. They waited until God has accomplished what he wanted and then they left. Pastor Mike brought up the thought, ya know, after the earthquake the doors were open....P and S could have just left while the guard slept - but nooooo, they stayed, they waited. WHAT? I mean, awesome. I have to admit, God has really rocked my world in my life...and I will also admit that there have been some incidents in which I did not wait...and I regret that. But the times I stayed and waited and saw what God had in store - man, they did rock my world. This sermon seriously just hit me...in a good way.

Sunday evening was the Vista staff bonfire at our friend's the Webbs. God opened up my eyes during the bonfire. See, these are people that most of the time I only spend time with at church or church functions. For example Pastor Mike's awesome wife - see I have only ever seen her at something church related - rather a actual sunday service, choir practice or program. It was cool for me to see her in a new way - like any other women...I am so used to her being the illusive Tammy Smith, wife of the pastor...but I tend to forget she's just like me. It was good for me to see her and others in the relaxed environment. As I sat with these amazing people...it hit me, God has placed some amazing people in my life...I am VERY fortunate. I left that evening very content and thrilled to call these people my friends.

Then last night...bonfire #2. This was with my old life group. And once again I realized - I have been blessed with amazing friends. It was great to see Parker playing with the other kids and friends. My son has some very special friends in that group. I am so glad he is going to grow up knowing them. The bonfire last night made me miss that life group...i mean, it seems like this group has been through a lot together and these are friends that I will have for a long time. We have invested in each other a lot and it's good to know that we all connect well. Once again - God showed me what I hadn't been seeing.

Then this morning - I received an email. I am not sure if I have posted it on here, but I have been praying for a while to make friends in my apartment complex. See, this complex is full of young families and we have lived here a year now and I knew no one really. I got to know the couple below us a bit, but they moved out in June and I ended up feeling very lonely. I didn't know anyone, I was too shy to put myself out there, even though it wouldn't have been that hard. Well about a month ago, maybe a little longer a new couple moved in below us. They have a little boy and I decided to take them some cookies when they were moving in. We talked a bit and introduced ourselves to each other. Then nothing - we didn't really see each other much and when we did, it was more of a hi - bye deal. After we got back from vacation in Sept. they brought us some cookies and thanked us for welcoming them. Then again - nothing...hi-byes. Until last week. I was sitting here watching some Tv and Parker was napping - there was a knock on my door. It was S, the mom, asking me if I would like to go on a walk with her and her son. Parker was napping, but I told her that once he woke up, we'd join her. We went on a walk around the complex and got to know each other. We discussed maybe hosting play groups with some others in complex and evening getting together to have dinner. I emailed her to thank her for the walk and invite her to my Mommies and Munchkins group and didn't hear back from her. I tried not to let it bother me, but it did and I felt like maybe I had made a bad impression or something. Well this morning I got an email from her. She was genuinely happy to meet me and wanted to try to get together weekly to talk and what not.

I don't know why I sit here blind to God's provisions and blessings and direction, but I am going to start watching and looking for those opportunities more.

God is like cool and stuff!

I'm NOT a bad mom, and Parker is NOT stupid...so deal!

Ha, I love my title. Sure, it's a bit long, but some days I just want to scream that to the world...so here I am screaming:

I AM NOT A BAD MOM!!!!!

PARKER IS NOT STUPID OR SLOW!!!!!

SO DEAL WITH IT DUDE!


Ok, so no one called me a bad mom and no one called Parker stupid (at least not that I am aware of) but satan seems to like to drill this into my head on a bad day.

Well you know what satan - go sit on a tack you annoying little twerp...I am SO OVER YOU!

Not that I have yelled at twerpazoid I am happy to announce that for once in my measly motherhood I feel like a good mom! Ok, maybe not for once - but it has been a while to be honest.

Parker had a meeting with his Help Me Grow case worker today. Parker is doing great over all, his scores are really good...except for two:
- Communication: we are so close to not being in the delayed part
- Social - Emotional: we are close to being in the delayed part.
I am actually really happy about that...I know that Parker is a lousy communicator (must get that from me!) and I know that there are some things he is just behind on...but that does not make him stupid or slow.

Give the kid a break, he was after all born a whole 11 weeks early...and considering where he is right now, he's doing GREAT! Our case worker said she has worked with other 29 weekers and that Parker is doing VERY well considering. He is - surprisingly enough an early walker!

I am thrilled by this. Here I am thinking my child is on his way to delayedville USA, but nope, he's doing great.

He starts therapy this Friday! I really look forward to it because I am at a point where I feel burnt out working with him all the time. It will be nice to have someone who went to school for this stuff here to help him. And I look forward to learning how to help him with his mildly delayed areas. I love spending time with him.

I think I am realizing that I am too hard on myself when it comes to being a mom. I also know that I worry too much - WAY too much. But I am sorta starting to let go and really trust God for Parker's growth and development.

That's a good thing if you ask me.

(did this blog seem random?)

Holy Cow God!

I apologize for me lack of updates as of recent. Part of that stems from the lack of motivation and desire to blog right now, the other part stems from the amount of time I have been in prayer over some doors that have opened as well as just having a toddler and being sick and busy.

I am hoping - and I do really hope - to do better at updating more and blogging more. My mind has just been a jumbled mess of trying to figure some things out, accepting some things, working with Parker on things, ect.

I want to tell you how God is opening doors in my life and really pushing me past some serious boundaries. One of these things I just can't put out there yet until it goes through and such, but lets just say, God is providing in a way I never thought.

The other way, well, that's different, because I need you all to pray for me. I have told you all for a while now that I have been praying about going to Cambodia with my church on a missions trip at some point. I will say, I am still seeking his will 100%, but unless something changes, I feel with no doubt that he his will is that I go to Cambodia on a trip. I would be really surprised if this doesn't work out.

But the truth of the matter is - I. Am. Terrified. I have never been overseas, the only other countries I have been too are Mexico and Canada and I didn't fly to Canada. I mean, like, this is WAY out of my comfort zone, yet, I am at peace. I am terrified of planes, yet, at peace about that. I am terrified of not finding any food I want....yet, I am at peace about that. I mean, whoa! It's a total God thing!

If you could just pray that details work out, that would be great. I don't know when the next trip is, but it sounds like it may be Jan or Feb. But there is a lot to do between now and then, like, get a passport! Also, we will need to work out child care for Parker, as well, I don't think Drew can take that much time off. And there are many others, but until I know more about the trip itself, I don't know what all it is. I assume I will be getting shots - so if you can pray for my fear of needles that would be great - you'd think they wouldn't phase me anymore after all I went through with Parker - but ha, no such luck. I still hate them! I am excited, yet scared, but God is really just working in me and I love it.

Ok, so well, that's all I have for now....

Pictures from the Weekend!

At the Zoo with Mommy


Hanging out with grandpa


Hanging with grandma


Saying hi to logan - his nicu buddy


I love his look in this one!


This is cute, with the flag at the parade!


Ready for the parade to start


Parker and Logan with grandparent (no Logan isn't related to us, but might as well be!)


NICU and Birthday Buddies


Feeding the Lorikeets


I love this picture.


***these were taken from his grandparents camera since I have yet to dump mine!

Tidbits - Lots of Randomness

It's been a while since I have actually put in a decent update of a blog. I don't know how decent this will be, but I will share with you some of the things that are going on.

- Taking precautions: I have heard too much lately about pictures being stolen and used on other blogs or in other areas of the country/world. I have decided to start watermarking all pictures I put on here. Last thing I need is someone passing off my son as theirs. I am hoping to also make this blog look a lot nicer, someday when I get money, I want to get a layout made as well as a button and such. But alas - I have no money - or at least not enough to have a decent background made, so I wait.

- Ouch: So yesterday I am getting out of the shower, I am rushing and slip and fall, hit my back on the tub and come down hard on my tailbone - needless to say I have been in PAIN!

- So our apartment complex was being repaved last week - and they still ARE NOT DONE! I mean seriously! The paving itself is done, however - they haven't lined the area by my building...and we don't know when they will and it's sectioned off - can you say annoying.

- I went to garage sales on Saturday and I was horribly disappointed. They were in these two HUGE neighborhoods that are near my apartments. Well the one, I was like, oooh, young families, lots of stuff - WRONG. Only maybe 1/4 or less of the houses were actually selling anything. I did, however, find 2 Melissa and Doug puzzles and a purse at one and they were each a dollar a piece! After that neighborhood Parker and I headed to another - where we met up with Tabatha and Logan. Logan is Parker's NICU buddy - born the same day and same gestation. We were able to score some clothes for Parker and Logan, but other than that, Nadda. Oh and for people who have one - I will not go to a garage sale if you are standing outside smoking by all the stuff you are selling. Last thing I need is my stuff to smell like smoke. So just a suggestion - maybe go behind your house or in it - especially if you have other people helping. Also, if you are selling posters of mostly naked women - I will not be purchasing from you!

- Today, Drew and I had a date day. We got up and rearranged our living room again. I like the set up, but need to finish getting stuff moved to other places. My house is a mess - which is annoying. After that, we dropped Parker off at our friends and Drew and I went to see Night at the Museum 2 - I looooooved it. So much better than the first if you ask me! It was nice to have that time with Parker.

- I should note, I do not at all appreciate know-it-alls. (I REALLY wanted to go off on someone last night for being rude and acting like a know it all. It annoyed me!)

- Hmmmm - I think that is all I have for today! Have a good one and be blessed!

Merry Maid - Where Art Thou?

I am going to be honest here for a moment. I want to confess to you, my readers, something that you should know about me. It may be quite surprising, so hopefully you are sitting down.

I HATE HOUSEWORK!

I see you there, gasping for air in shock and awe. Well darn it, its the truth.

I hate dishes, mopping, sweeping, dusting, vacuuming, wiping things down, taking time to clean...bleck. Oh and I especially hate the bathrooms and laundry.

So where, may I ask is my merry maid? I think I deserve one...I think all of us at some point deserves one. I am a stay at home mom of a little stinker (good stinker, but stinker none the less).

And the cleaning has gotten worse - that mushed up animal crackers in the rug, the cherrios I step on all the time, and that melted cheese cube I missed that got in the corner. Yup, I have a baby that gets most food on the floor and than in his mouth. Someone tell me they start to get it in the mouth eventually. (then again, I still can't always make it in my mouth.)

The one thing I do love - cooking. I could cook all day. And bake, I love to cook and bake and make things with food. And I am getting more adventurous with my cooking. I even made pork roast recently. PORK ROAST - ME? What! Oh yah, I am like the poor girls Racheal Ray! Actually, I love Paula Deen and I agree - it's better with butter! :) So if you ever want to come over for dinner, let me know.

But when it comes back to the rest of home things - just call me a maid and let me go out and come back to a spotless home! Now, don't get me wrong, I do clean - if I didn't do some cleaning I'd lose what's left of my mind! Seriously, I would!

Anyways, now that I have complained about my issues - I am off to clean! You know why? Because I see you there, staring at me as if I am a big girl and can clean! Fine, I will stop with the guilt already!

Doctors, Parties, Work-outs, oh my!

I am being a bad blogger - shame on me for not updating more! However, life has been a little bit busy and hectic and so therefore I haven't had time to sit down and just be and talk. Until now. I am making myself sit down and relax today because I have been on the go for what seems like forever! I need to take today to sit and relax and enjoy some down town with my big 1 year old. Part of that is getting to you an update of the past few days. Obviously you know Parker turned 1 on May 29th, but I didn't get to share with you about his 12 month check up and I certainly did not get to share with you the details of his party. So away we go...

Friday with when Parker turned 1. I think I am still in disbelief that my baby is 1! I sometimes feel like I have to pinch myself to make sure I am not imagining it or even to feel like it's real. (And yes, I did pinch myself that morning. Parker went in for his 1 year check up and it went well. He was 14lbs 15ozs (so I am just saying he was 15lbs.) and he was 27 in. long! Big boy! The doctor said Parker is looking great and doing well. He is allowed to eat pretty much anything now and he will remain on formula until he's 15 months to help get more calories in him. I am actually getting frustrated because he doesn't seem to care for most table food. Which is frustrating especially when the doctor says he needs 3 meals a day plus his bottles. I feel like I am never going to get him to eat "real" food. Don't get my wrong, he loves most baby food...but like, I want him to have eggs or cheese or something like that and he looks at me like I am nuts for offering it to him. I keep thinking, what if he NEVER eats anything but the formula and baby food. He can't have milk yet - not because of allergies, but because for him it is important to get the calories and nutrients from the formula and the milk would take place of that. He can have watered down juice, but not as a substitute for the formula. I am pretty sure this all frustrates me most because if by age 2 he hasn't caught up with his actual age, he will need to see an endocrinologist and possibly get some growth hormones.

Other than his dr. appointment friday was spent decorating cupcakes and pulling together the last of the needs for his party! Parker's party was on saturday and it was elmo world themed. It was a big hit and we had a lot of friends and family there. The kids made a craft (their own dorothy.) and they were allowed to color on the table cloths, which went over great! The kids loved it and I think the adults did too! Parker got a lot of great gifts, which he loves to play with. He did get to try cake but was too busy playing with the frosting and smearing it on his face to actually eat anything. But it was cute none the less. After the party we came home and my family came back with us and hung out for a few hours. We played at least an hours worth of Taboo, which with my family is fun! After they left, I got ready and headed to Buca Di Beppo for mom's night out. So much fun!

Not much has happened between Sat. and today. I did join a stroller fit type group though. It's called Mommies and Munchkins. It was started in Columbus by a woman who just moved here from Indiana. She has started one there too and it was thriving. Slowly but surely this one is growing. It is a lot of fun. You walk and exercise, but you stop and you do things with your kiddos to help them get some exercise too. It's Christ based, so there is a memory verse and rhymes to go along with some of the stretching. The best part about it is that it's free. I loved it, you can go at your own pace. You choose your level of fitness. I pushed myself and I am feeling the pain of that today, but I am so glad that I have found something like this. I have been wanting to get into something like this, but didn't know where to begin! We meet every tues and thursday at various parks in the area.

Not really sure what else to talk about. I guess just pray for the frustrations I am feeling over feeding Parker. And also, pray that he starts sleeping better. For the past few nights at about 12:30 he wakes up SCREAMING and crying. I think it might be because he is getting another tooth, but it's frustrating for mommy and daddy!

Thanks friends.

To Be Honest...

I am having a hard night. My mind is a mess of thoughts and feelings and such and I need to let it out...so well, I am going to vent and be honest...

I feel like a failure - like Parker should not be proud of me. What, Why you ask? Well let me tell you why..

First - I haven't finished my college degree - I am a year away, just a mear 30ish credits away from my Bachelor degree. and to be honest, I don't want the degree anymore. It was a Children's Ministry degree. I don't want to be a children's minister anymore. I still want to work with kids, but I feel like I am most happy when I am writing the curriculum and teaching. Not doing all the other ministerial things that go with it. I am 26 and have yet to be a college graduate. But what kind of degree would I need to do the curriculum and teaching? Heck, I'd even love to work for Group Publishing or something writing Children's Ministry curriculum. I want Parker to be proud of his mama for getting a degree.

Second - My patience is wearing thin recently. Parker has been growing up - not that that is a bad thing, but he really likes to test me now and to be honest, it kills me. He just knows all the buttons to push - I feel like a terrible mom.

Third - I feel like a failure for getting sick the other day and Drew needing to come home. I feel bad he had to leave work. I feel worse that he doesn't have that many sick days and he takes one for me.

Fourth - Just escaped me - wait no, there it is. I am still (almost a year later) feeling guilty and like a failure for having a preemie. I know, I know, it's not my fault and I did the right thing. Sure, you say that, but do you understand how much it hurts me. I will always say that it was the hardest easy decision I have ever made. I mad that my body failed and that I was even forced to make a decision. Sure, I get it, I should be happy and thankful that Parker and I are both alive and well - and I am, but it hurts. I never got that moment where after you've pushed and screamed the baby comes out, goopy, gross and with a pointy head, and they place the baby on you for the first time. (even if they disgust you you love them.) Heck up to going into the operating room, I remember not much else of thursday. There are fuzzy memories of random people coming by and nurses and Drew telling me about Parker. Oh, and that's another thing, Drew didn't even get to be in the room with me because I has general anesthesia. Even he didn't get that daddy moment, where I break his hand but he doesn't care because the goopy baby is the most beautiful thing ever. I let him down, I let myself down, I let my family down and that kills. Even now as I sit here and type this, I believe it was a year ago today or tomorrow that I was in the ER for the first time. It hurts. I am so mad at myself. I feel like i should have done more...maybe I should have lost weight first and then had a baby. I know it doesn't seem like I should be hurting and sad but I am. It hurts me, so much. And I want Parker to know I did everything I could. I did what I felt was right. yet I feel like a failure.

I just want Parker to be proud of me. I want to know what I am supposed to do. I want to Parker to say, "That's my mom, she's smart and pretty and I love her."

Why do I allow myself to feel like this...

My Vacation - in Pictures!

Here are some of the highlight pictures from vacation! Enjoy (tomorrow will be getaway picture day!)

My baby, at cracker barrel - on our way to TN.


Petting a camel, precious!


An Ostrich - funny story - when I was 8 or 9, we were at the Ft. Wayne Zoo in IN. And I got bit by an ostrich, my dad didn't believe me, stuck his finger in and got bit too. This one did not bite me, but it was putting on a show!


Parker with his grandparents!


There as a cool butterfly exhibit at Knoxville Zoo - so fun!



Parker and Grandpa Pete


At Panther Creek State Park - so beautiful.


Bruce, Joy, Parker, Angela, and Pete (great-grandparents and grandparents!)


Parker decided to drive!


Possibly the best part of the trip for me, seeing a black bear out in the wild. This was one of three and the only good shot!



Parker making eyes and flirting with Manju


Parker with his great-grandparents: Joy and Bruce


Our Friends - The Albright's: Steve, Peggy and Manju (love them!)


Parker trying on his hat from his great-grandparents (which we left at their place!)


Getting the traditional shot at the sign!!! (Met a lovely family from Indiana!)