Friday, May 22, 2009

To Be Honest...

I am having a hard night. My mind is a mess of thoughts and feelings and such and I need to let it out...so well, I am going to vent and be honest...

I feel like a failure - like Parker should not be proud of me. What, Why you ask? Well let me tell you why..

First - I haven't finished my college degree - I am a year away, just a mear 30ish credits away from my Bachelor degree. and to be honest, I don't want the degree anymore. It was a Children's Ministry degree. I don't want to be a children's minister anymore. I still want to work with kids, but I feel like I am most happy when I am writing the curriculum and teaching. Not doing all the other ministerial things that go with it. I am 26 and have yet to be a college graduate. But what kind of degree would I need to do the curriculum and teaching? Heck, I'd even love to work for Group Publishing or something writing Children's Ministry curriculum. I want Parker to be proud of his mama for getting a degree.

Second - My patience is wearing thin recently. Parker has been growing up - not that that is a bad thing, but he really likes to test me now and to be honest, it kills me. He just knows all the buttons to push - I feel like a terrible mom.

Third - I feel like a failure for getting sick the other day and Drew needing to come home. I feel bad he had to leave work. I feel worse that he doesn't have that many sick days and he takes one for me.

Fourth - Just escaped me - wait no, there it is. I am still (almost a year later) feeling guilty and like a failure for having a preemie. I know, I know, it's not my fault and I did the right thing. Sure, you say that, but do you understand how much it hurts me. I will always say that it was the hardest easy decision I have ever made. I mad that my body failed and that I was even forced to make a decision. Sure, I get it, I should be happy and thankful that Parker and I are both alive and well - and I am, but it hurts. I never got that moment where after you've pushed and screamed the baby comes out, goopy, gross and with a pointy head, and they place the baby on you for the first time. (even if they disgust you you love them.) Heck up to going into the operating room, I remember not much else of thursday. There are fuzzy memories of random people coming by and nurses and Drew telling me about Parker. Oh, and that's another thing, Drew didn't even get to be in the room with me because I has general anesthesia. Even he didn't get that daddy moment, where I break his hand but he doesn't care because the goopy baby is the most beautiful thing ever. I let him down, I let myself down, I let my family down and that kills. Even now as I sit here and type this, I believe it was a year ago today or tomorrow that I was in the ER for the first time. It hurts. I am so mad at myself. I feel like i should have done more...maybe I should have lost weight first and then had a baby. I know it doesn't seem like I should be hurting and sad but I am. It hurts me, so much. And I want Parker to know I did everything I could. I did what I felt was right. yet I feel like a failure.

I just want Parker to be proud of me. I want to know what I am supposed to do. I want to Parker to say, "That's my mom, she's smart and pretty and I love her."

Why do I allow myself to feel like this...

4 comments:

auntmomo said...

he IS proud of you! Look at how far he has come and that is because of you! Praying and loving you!....one day I'll be coming to you for mommy advice :)

Anissa said...

I will tell you right now your son will be proud of you no matter what as long as you love him. You don't need a degree to make your kids happy. I only went to college for a semester but that is not what my kids talk about. They love me and they are proud of me because I'm their mom and I took the time out of my life to homeschool them and be with them when they need me most and that is right now. Everything happens for a reason I believe. It's good that you got everything out that you were feeling. Having a preemie -- you shouldn't be beating yourself up about it you should be down on your knees thanking God for that precious baby. I have had 3 c-section and missed everything too and my last baby was in NICU for 3 weeks. I thank God everyday for those kids. I know I took care of my self when I was caring them. But it was God's will for my baby to come early and that showed me alot of stuff -- it opened my eyes to alot of stuff -- A year later I was saved because of what I went through with my son. It was also the decision to homeschool my kids. Life is to short and these babies grow up way to fast. So for me I am going to enjoy every moment of every day with them.

Carrie said...

Parker WILL be proud of you, because you are his mommy. You don't need a college degree for that, or for ministering at church. I have a college degree, and guess how many times I've used it since college? ZERO!!! I've used things I've learned, but with 3 years under your belt, I know you have, too.

Also, I totally understand about the impatience - it is SO hard. Zachary and I had a REALLY hard day yesterday- I was SO impatient with him, and it was horrible. Today is going much better. We all have those days, and yes, it is much harder once our babies are active toddlers, but you will get used to it.

Praying for you & hope you're feeling better today!

Melissa said...

I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling this way, and I'm praying for you right now. You've got some challenges to deal with, to be sure.

If the degree--in Children's Ministry or a related area--is important to you, you might consider looking into portfolio assessment to complete the requirements. If it's not important to you, then don't feel bad about applying your time and effort to things that ARE important.

We all have sick days, and we all have days that we feel like failures. I think we set ourselves up for failure when we set the bar at perfection.