Thank You!

God is so good!

First of all, to anyone who read this and prayed (you know who you are) - THANK YOU!

I know it seems silly, but sometimes I simply need the reminder that I am Parker's mommy for a reason!

God has worked out some of the knots in my soul that were there last night, granted - I still feel pretty lousy, but I know I am not alone, I know I am a good mom (even if Parker just totally cut his arm on the side of our bookcase - builds character right?) I can't protect him 100% of the time. I know that. I also know that I do what he needs me too - even if I doubt myself. It's lies! Satan knows how to get in and just spread icky seeds everywhere.

I realized something today. I have family here in Columbus (and spread out everywhere). No, we aren't blood related, but I do have family here. i love them all! Each one brings something extra to the table and each one holds a special place in my heart. I am so fortunate to have a HUGE extended Christian family. They are amazing, gifted and totally awesome! One of my family members - Crissy, she's like the big sister who's older and wiser than I, she was awesome today. Parker had a meltdown today, very unusual for him, and ended up being in the service with me. I sat with Crissy and her family and when he started acting up, she let me stay in service while she took him in the hallway! it was great to not have to do it myself and get a break for once. Another friend Marla, wrote me the sweetest note, I read it when I got home, tears streaming down my face (even if it was few words!) I just REALLY needed it.

I have to admit, I am very much a word of affirmation person. I don't know if I didn't get enough support and praise growing up, but something that REALLY feeds my soul is getting those words of affirmation/encouragement. Sometimes, all I need is words - it is I think my top Love Language!

I am better today! Much better. My soul is hurting and I am running low on happy, but I am getting there. God is giving me outlets, friends, songs, just really speaking to me right now.

Tomorrow, I am calling my Dr. back about my anti-depressant, as I know I need it right now. I need to seek some counseling too.

Things are looking up -

Moving on to a couple random things.
- I get my iphone tonight! Drew upgraded his, so I get his old one! Oh yah, I am excited.
- Billy Mays died - seriously, is there something in the hollywood water or something?
- Busy week ahead - my in laws will be here Thurs - Sunday. Super fun though.

ok, that's it! Enjoy the rest of your "Rest" day - Sunday!

Where'd I put that manual?

I think I lost my Parker instructions - darn it.

I don't know what to do right now with him.

Yes, he is a year, but when telling him no and expecting him to listen and understand, is he thinking like a 1 year old or a 10 month old.

How the heck do I discipline him?

I am so frustrated, I don't know what to do, what I am doing and I just want to cry.

And on top of all of this, I am realizing I should probably not have asked my doctor to ween me off of my anti-depressant. My mood has totally stunk lately, I am losing patience and want to cry and scream. I am calling her back on Monday and seeing what she suggests.

I don't know, I just feel so frustrated, Parker is older and there for in the toddler, get into everything stage. I am feeling totally burdened and attacked by Satan. I so want to just cry!

I feel so stuck, confused, alone and on top of it all, I doubt myself, as a friend, wife and mother.

HELP ME!

Merry Maid - Where Art Thou?

I am going to be honest here for a moment. I want to confess to you, my readers, something that you should know about me. It may be quite surprising, so hopefully you are sitting down.

I HATE HOUSEWORK!

I see you there, gasping for air in shock and awe. Well darn it, its the truth.

I hate dishes, mopping, sweeping, dusting, vacuuming, wiping things down, taking time to clean...bleck. Oh and I especially hate the bathrooms and laundry.

So where, may I ask is my merry maid? I think I deserve one...I think all of us at some point deserves one. I am a stay at home mom of a little stinker (good stinker, but stinker none the less).

And the cleaning has gotten worse - that mushed up animal crackers in the rug, the cherrios I step on all the time, and that melted cheese cube I missed that got in the corner. Yup, I have a baby that gets most food on the floor and than in his mouth. Someone tell me they start to get it in the mouth eventually. (then again, I still can't always make it in my mouth.)

The one thing I do love - cooking. I could cook all day. And bake, I love to cook and bake and make things with food. And I am getting more adventurous with my cooking. I even made pork roast recently. PORK ROAST - ME? What! Oh yah, I am like the poor girls Racheal Ray! Actually, I love Paula Deen and I agree - it's better with butter! :) So if you ever want to come over for dinner, let me know.

But when it comes back to the rest of home things - just call me a maid and let me go out and come back to a spotless home! Now, don't get me wrong, I do clean - if I didn't do some cleaning I'd lose what's left of my mind! Seriously, I would!

Anyways, now that I have complained about my issues - I am off to clean! You know why? Because I see you there, staring at me as if I am a big girl and can clean! Fine, I will stop with the guilt already!

Momma Don't Preach...

I don't even know what to write. I am choosing to distance myself from a situation that has sucked me in and started ruling my mind. I am mad at myself for getting sucked in, I am angry that I chose to stare at the computer all day - I am moving on...moving past it...life goes on...na na na na - life goes on!

MOVING RIGHT ALONG

So, about this being a mom thing - have you ever wanted to just quit. Just pack a bag and take off for an hour and breath? I am kind of at that point (AND NO I WOULD NEVER LEAVE P alone!). Parker has been a challenge as of late. I think my doctor thinks I am nuts for the call I made to them yesterday...

See Parker has been waking up every night for the past week at about the same time screaming. Normally I would just let him cry it out. But this scream is a blood curdling, "I am in pain, someone wants to kill me scream". He does it for 10-15 minutes and finally calms down, I let him have a bit of bottle and put him back down! All better. So I decided to call the doctor and ask them what to do. Their response - you're doing all you can and should do - REALLY? that's your wonderful doctor studied-for-a-million-years medical advice. They basically said it could be teeth, gas, growth spurt, but it's obviously not something they can go in and test with blood tests. Well that's good!

I also asked them about his eating problems. He won't eat anything except his bottle. So much for that cheese I bought! Actually, today has been better - he ate really well and again the dr. said I was doing everything right and that it's a toddler thing. Nice.

And again I ask, where the heck did I put P's owner's manuel? It had to have been misplaced somewhere - right?

Kids are complicated.

And also, why don't people tell you that toddlers are a challenge. My mom never gave me any great advice. I should have known that I would be challenged daily, frustrated, ready to pull my hair out daily. But NOOOOO, I think it's gonna be all sugar plums and perfectness that Parker will be the exception and be the perfect child that can talk by 2 months and do everything on his own by now. Ha! Totally not true.

Man, this mom thing is hard!

Getting really upset.

I seriously don't get it...I don't get people today.

i do not understand where people get off coming to people's personal blogs and putting them down, criticizing them, treating them like crap.

I do not understand how you can take a picture of a sweet miracle child and put horns on the picture saying she is the devil child.

I do not understand how insensitive people can be towards a family who's daughter is fighting for her life.

You were not FORCED to read their blog. If you didn't like it, you shouldn't have kept reading it. Now, thanks to your heartlessness and just plain rudeness a family I have been praying for for months, is possibly closing down their blog. Does this make you small minded, mean hearted people feel better? That your words and actions have caused pain to a family and to their friends who care about them. What, do you enjoy doing this.

It isn't the first time it's happened to blog friends, or myself.

If you don't want to hear what someone has to say, don't put in that effort to read a blog.

I pray that you will see the pain you have caused and be forever regretful.

I am so sick of negative commenters on blogs and people who put others down. I just don't get it.

The End.

To Be Honest...

I am having a hard night. My mind is a mess of thoughts and feelings and such and I need to let it out...so well, I am going to vent and be honest...

I feel like a failure - like Parker should not be proud of me. What, Why you ask? Well let me tell you why..

First - I haven't finished my college degree - I am a year away, just a mear 30ish credits away from my Bachelor degree. and to be honest, I don't want the degree anymore. It was a Children's Ministry degree. I don't want to be a children's minister anymore. I still want to work with kids, but I feel like I am most happy when I am writing the curriculum and teaching. Not doing all the other ministerial things that go with it. I am 26 and have yet to be a college graduate. But what kind of degree would I need to do the curriculum and teaching? Heck, I'd even love to work for Group Publishing or something writing Children's Ministry curriculum. I want Parker to be proud of his mama for getting a degree.

Second - My patience is wearing thin recently. Parker has been growing up - not that that is a bad thing, but he really likes to test me now and to be honest, it kills me. He just knows all the buttons to push - I feel like a terrible mom.

Third - I feel like a failure for getting sick the other day and Drew needing to come home. I feel bad he had to leave work. I feel worse that he doesn't have that many sick days and he takes one for me.

Fourth - Just escaped me - wait no, there it is. I am still (almost a year later) feeling guilty and like a failure for having a preemie. I know, I know, it's not my fault and I did the right thing. Sure, you say that, but do you understand how much it hurts me. I will always say that it was the hardest easy decision I have ever made. I mad that my body failed and that I was even forced to make a decision. Sure, I get it, I should be happy and thankful that Parker and I are both alive and well - and I am, but it hurts. I never got that moment where after you've pushed and screamed the baby comes out, goopy, gross and with a pointy head, and they place the baby on you for the first time. (even if they disgust you you love them.) Heck up to going into the operating room, I remember not much else of thursday. There are fuzzy memories of random people coming by and nurses and Drew telling me about Parker. Oh, and that's another thing, Drew didn't even get to be in the room with me because I has general anesthesia. Even he didn't get that daddy moment, where I break his hand but he doesn't care because the goopy baby is the most beautiful thing ever. I let him down, I let myself down, I let my family down and that kills. Even now as I sit here and type this, I believe it was a year ago today or tomorrow that I was in the ER for the first time. It hurts. I am so mad at myself. I feel like i should have done more...maybe I should have lost weight first and then had a baby. I know it doesn't seem like I should be hurting and sad but I am. It hurts me, so much. And I want Parker to know I did everything I could. I did what I felt was right. yet I feel like a failure.

I just want Parker to be proud of me. I want to know what I am supposed to do. I want to Parker to say, "That's my mom, she's smart and pretty and I love her."

Why do I allow myself to feel like this...

Clearing out my head, talking to myself, things like that.

First of all, I am so so excited! Today we went to Babies R Us to find an umbrella stroller for Parker. We don't really need our bigger one anymore and for our vacation in a couple weeks, we want something more compact. So we went in praying we'd find something affordable, durable and decent. We had had one on our registry at one point that was 130 some dollars, but we really wanted to try to keep it under 100 if we could. Well, we did, the stroller we bought ended up being on sale, marked from 139 to 99 and we got 10% off because it was the last one they had! I love it, it's cute and nice and totally perfect for Parker!

I was just reading some of the reviews on it from the Babies R Us site and I am struck that there are some negative ones. One, I find more funny and complain-y then helpful, was a lady saying that she couldn't maneuver it, that the wheels got stuck and she couldn't push it with one hand while holding her child. Maybe hers has some problems, but I pushed Parker around the store in it and I didn't have any issues. Sometimes I wonder about the reviews, ya know? anyway, it's going to be awesome to have something smaller and more compact on our trip!

On to other things:

Speaking of our trip...if May 11 doesn't get here soon, I may go crazy. I just really need to get out of here. Out of this house, this city, this state; away from bills, and laundry, and my cat, and grocery lists and negativity. I need a break so bad. My patience is worn thin, I am about to fall in to a quick sand of anger and frustration and depression. I want to get away, go to Tennessee, meet relatives, take my son to Gatlinburg, hike, get a sun tan, no strike that, knowing me it will be a burn. I am so ready to go, well except that I have like no summer clothes that fit me. Need to find some shorts or something. I have my packing list all ready, I have Parker's stroller, just need to get his new car seat. If May 11 doesn't come soon....oh boy am I in trouble.

I am struggling right now in general. I struggle to enjoy Parker's new found crawling and standing up on things expertise. I thought it was going to be awesome, but I don't know. I think I worry too much. If I didn't worry about every little fall, every little bump or bruise or this stupid H1N1 (which seriously is a dumb name) flu. Why do I worry, I mean really, what's the point in it? I worry about everything, I worry people will judge me and hate me and make fun of me (for what, I don't know!). I worry Parker's little falls will result in a concussion or scrape - a Scrape, big deal right? I worry about Drew, the stress his job is currently causing because of changes that (if you ask me) seem kinda stupid, then again, I am not an Apple employee. I am a worry wart (or as Drew says, I have cancer of the worry!)

I am struggling with my family. I love my family, don't get me wrong, but I really am hurt at times by them. There are certain people in my family that hurt me more than others. Let's just say they are emotionally unavailable. I want to say that I believe they care about me and my family, but at times, I truly wonder. It hurts, to feel like I can't turn to them or that they don't want anything to do with me. In the back of my mind, I know they do care and want to have a relationship, but it's hard to put in the effort when you feel it's all for nothing. I don't know...I just have some deep scars, wounds, seeping boo-boos in this area.

I struggle with my faith and relationship with God. I believe in him 100% - its more about my daily, personal walk with him - or lack there of. I keep telling myself, I am going to start doing daily devotions, read my Bible more, pray, and then I just don't. I am sure if I did have that time, I would feel better. I did decide to get a book from the library, it's called "Ordinary Mom, Extraordinary God" - have any of you read it? It sounds good and maybe it will give me some hope and peace and get me on the write path.

I struggle with personal bubbles. I live in one, I won't lie. (This I think goes back to my fear of rejection and judgement.) I desire so much to put myself out there and get to know other's - especially neighbors. I don't have a play group anymore, which is sad, because it got me out of the house. I want to find something to do. I know one goal of mine is making baby lap time a priority and weekly event. I want to get to know my neighbors here, many have young children and I think it would be nice to be able to just walk over and play. But I am scared too. Most have already existing relationships and I don't want to come in and ruin them.

Sigh....

I just feel heavy and burdened and drained and tired and blah! Very blah! I should go now and work on finishing the lesson for Sunday, especially since Parker is asleep!

Thanks for listening. Sorry I don't have more happy things to post about right now!

Plastic Surgery For Me?!

Before I go any further, I would like to note that this entry is about plastic surgery thoughts and female stuff. So if you are of the male persuasion, I suggest that you stop reading here....lest you be red in the face. Also, another friendly warning, this is a hard subject for me to share, but I am doing it for support and prayers.
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2.) Is plastic surgery an option? Without being vulgar, write about the body part still attached to you that you would most like to dis-attach and replace with a better one.
(writingfix.com)



Ok, are all the men gone? Good! I want to share my thoughts on plastic surgery with all of you. alrighty, here goes:

I am going to be flat out honest here - I HATE MY CHEST. HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT. I do my best to enjoy what God has felt the need to endow me with, but quite honestly, the enjoyment almost always is non-existent. It's really hard to describe to you the pain I feel due to the largeness of my chest. I am not the skinniest person, I have a little extra weight on my body, but by no means do my "girls" match the size of my body. They are much larger than someone my age, height, and weight should be carrying around. They have always been larger than I feel they should be and I am horribly embarrassed by them a lot of the times. I really struggle with self image anyways and then add in there the large chest, it makes it hard for me to enjoy things completely.

When it comes to plastic surgery, I really don't like it when one does it to just do it. I will never understand why people go in to get a larger chest (maybe that's because of the size of mine) or a facelift or other types of implants. I think for medical purposes (i.e. breast reduction, help after an accident, ect.) it is ok. I myself have always considered breast reduction. My back is in constant pain and my chest just makes it hurt. I wanted to wait, though, until I had children because I had planned on breast feeding. Now though, with the struggle I had with even producing milk and not knowing if I want any more biological children, I am seriously considering having a reduction done. I really feel that if I did, I would be able to enjoy Parker more, life more, myself more.

I am prayerfully considering pursuing this within the next 6 - 12 months. I want to make sure that if I do decide to pursue a reduction, I am doing it for the right reasons. I want to be at total peace about it and as it stands, right now, I am not, I think mainly because I don't have all the details about it and I am scared of having surgery. I keep thinking about what happened with Parker and having to be on a vent and the pain and such and I think those thoughts and fears are really putting a damper on my desire to have a surgery that I believe would help with my quality of life. I also want to make sure that insurance would cover it, that I research this desire enough that I don't get into any trouble.

This would be a huge step for me if I was able to follow through with it, but I don't want to rush into anything. As far as I am concerned, plastic surgery for medical purposes is an option for me, but for recreation purposes, not so much. I have no issues with my face, or the rest of my body (though I would love to lose weight.)


Your turn! Head over to MamaKat's site for all the prompts for her writer's workshop this week. Pick your poison, write up a blog entry and then go back to her site and leave your name and that post under Mr. Linky!

The Preemie Reality

Have you ever had one of those days where things are going great and then all of the sudden one thing changes your mood? Yah, well, me too, and that was my Friday.

Friday I got a call from P-town's* occupational therapist. She is a sweet lady and has been following Parker's development since day one! We went in a few weeks ago for his most recent follow up appointment and she was impressed with how well P-town was doing. He was in the average points value for his adjusted age! That's good! But she was concerned with his muscle tone and how he has a tendancy, ok, not a tendancy, but a almost consistent way of tensing his legs and body. Now, don't get me wrong, he can bend his legs, arms, ect, but more often then not, he will tense up while sitting, standing (he does this with support) and such. For example, most babies, when they sit, will sit with their legs bent in some way, Parker automatically puts his straight out and tenses them. Anyways, like I said I got a call from "K" friday, she was reviewing his file and writing his letter to Dr. D and to "S" our Help Me Grow case worker. She said that she wants him to be evaluated and start some physical therapy for a few months. It's really to help with his tone, but when I heard that, I became negative Nancy and worrisome Wanda and now I am in a mood.

For whatever reason, I can't seem to get out of the haze that is my Nancy-ness and my Wanda-ness. If I really think about it, this isn't that big of a deal, he's not getting speech therapy or physical therapy because he can't walk or something. It's just to help him loosen up and such. I should be happy and thankful that he has this opportunity, but the Nancy in me is thinking it's the end of the world and that my son has issues and the Wanda in me, well she's just a pain in the rear! She has me thinking that he will never be "normal". What a liar that wanda can be! And the Denise in me, the Denise and me knows that hey, this is the reality of a preemie, some have more challenges than others and I am thankful that his seem to be little in comparison to other preemies out there. The Denise in me know that this is my reality now, my focus, the focus of other's is helping Parker to be the best he can be and to catch up with his actual age.

The reality is this: preemies face challenges, big and small. Some preemies spend time on oxygen, some have heart problems, some need speech therapy, other's deeper physical therapy. It's the life of a preemie parent to focus on you child, head to appointments, remember you child is only "this" age developmentally, ect. The reality is, our children, our beautiful preemies are special and require more care than children born at full gestation. My hubby's brother was born with many physical disabilities and his mom and dad's reality was taking care of a son who was confined to a wheel chair, with few words, a little movement and had many many hospitalizations. Like them, I have a reality too, the reality that, my son is small for his actual age, is viewed as an (almost) 11 month old, but developmentally is 8.5 months old, he requires more "work", he has 1 tooth and he will be one next month, he takes meds daily...ect.

That's my reality - I am a preemie parent - A PROUD ONE! I love and adore my son. Of course I wish that he had been born in August and that I didn't have this reality, but can't change that. God blessed me with a son born 11 weeks early, a son that will require some more attention. Most days, I feel blessed and humbled by this reality, some days though, like friday, I feel cursed. I cry sometimes realizing that this is what I will be working with for a while, but the truth is, Parker WILL catch up and years down the road, I will be able to tell him his story and share all that I was able to learn. God knows what he is doing and why, I just need to trust that. God has taught me lesson thus far and I can only imagine what He has planned for me.

Parker - if you read this many years later, know that I am honored and blessed to be your mommy. I love you more and more each day. I am only human and I have unfortunately human emotions that can challenge me. I am proud of you an all you have overcome in these past almost 11 months and I can only imagine how much you will overcome and accomplish many years down the road. You teach me every day, you make me smile and you are worth it all!

I really hope this post has not come out insensitive or whiney or negative to any of you. I certainly didn't mean it that way. I think it may be a way for me to vent, to let my emotions work themselves out. I am thankful that Parker has not had some of the challenges he could have and I certainly do not want to make those who do think I have it worse, I know I don't!

Just a reminder, our March of Dimes walk is this Sunday, there is still time to donate! Click the purple box on the right side bar to donate!!!

*P-town is turning into Parker's newest nickname thanks to my friend Amber! I have been saying it more and more recently!

Would the Real Perfect Person Please Stand Up???

By a show of hands, who here is perfect???

Wait, doth my eyes deceive me? No one raised their hand, not one of you? Oh well good, glad I am not the only person who is not perfect, it really makes me better. *contented sigh of relief*

Does anyone else feel the pressure to be perfect? You too? Oh well good, again, so glad I am not the only one!

Does anyone else sin and make mistakes and deserve forgiveness too? Oh, you do? Well good, does anyone see a trend here?

I ain't Jesus, I never claimed to be, I know I will never be perfect like Him. (Ain't is such a terrible terrible word - my grammar/english stinks sometimes.)

I make a lot of mistakes, I do stupid things, say stupid things...you know, it would be truly helpful if I could just hear what I want to say before I say to make sure it isn't stupid or hurtful. ugh, I hate that about myself, its one of the things I have struggled with my entire life. Seriously, my mouth got me in trouble in high school...stupid mouth. Sometimes I get a little too fired up and opinionated, I know that. I know that my words are hurtful sometimes...and the thing is, when I realize they are, I feel terrible. I do my best to watch what I say, especially now that I have a child. It's important that I am a good example, but sometimes my "evil" "stupid" "no-good" side comes out, especially when I am in a bad mood. I hate that about myself. I have worked so hard to not let that be a part of my life, but like any habit, it's hard to break.

I truly feel terrible about things I have said to anyone or about anyone. My heart breaks to know that I could be so stupid. I look back to high school...and I wish I could go to those I might have hurt with my words or actions and apologize to them...I can't necessarily find everyone. I do know that I am deep down 100% sorry for the stupid things I did in high school. Same with thing I did in college and last week and any other time. I don't know every time, but I know that I am in need of serious forgiveness.

God, please forgive me for my hurtful words and actions I have committed recently and in my life. I know that I was wrong and I know that I will never be able to change anything that may have hurt someone. God, I am not perfect and that is why I so desperately need your grace and forgiveness in my life. I pray that I continue to grow in you and be a great example of your and your love not only for my son, but for those out there that read my blog, know me in real life, ect. God, give me a clean heart, give me a pure heart, help my words reflect your goodness and grace. I know what I have done in my life is wrong...and I want to work on those sins and work on repairing things that I have broken. God I love you, you are so good! Amen!

so here is the truth about me...take it or leave it...

Hi, my name is Denise (or Deni) and I am not perfect, i am a sinner and I am Christian. I have made mistakes, done stupid things, said hurtful things, thought bad thoughts, made poor choices. If you thought you were getting someone perfect and sinless...YOU THOUGHT WRONG. I am doing my best to be a good example and a good Christian, but like anyone else, I sin I have flaws and I will NEVER be perfect. I can only be who I am and be the best me I can be.

Now that I have that out of my system...I am getting my hair chopped off in the morning (Friday morning)....curious to see...well, you'll have to wait! :) I think you may be slightly stunned...it's kind of a drastic change!

The Inspiration is stuck inside - help!

Hello Friends,

I have a lot in my head today, yet am stuck as to what I write. I thought I would write more about mommy guilt and giving myself a hard time, but changed my mind. I don’t want to bog down my blog with that right now.
Instead I decided I wanted to share something with you that frustrates me. There are days I just absolutely do not like living in an apartment. It really has nothing to do with the apartment community or neighbors (although, I could explain why slamming a door in the middle of the evening is annoying!) It’s the fact that it’s not a house and specific things that go along with that truth.

I realize right now we cannot afford a house and I am ok with that. What frustrates me most is that my apartment is a mess of random! In the living room/dining room alone there are 4 different colors of wood. Nothing really goes together and I feel stuck when it comes to decorating and organization. I want to paint and I realize I can, but I also know I would have to paint over what I paint when we move out and I don’t want to have to do that.

I don’t know where to begin when it comes to decorating an apartment or how to organize. I know I want to do creative things. I would love to make a corkboard with cloth over as not only something practical, but also something decorative to bring color in. I want this place to look put together and cute and I want things to match and I don’t want to be ashamed of it anymore.
It’s like, I have all these thoughts and ideas in my head, but don’t know how to get them out and make them reality. (Not to mention, I don’t have the money to go nuts over this either!) I know one thing I love is that I use a cute bench that is supposed to be for blanket storage as toy storage so when I am able to pick up Parker’s toys, I can hide them. I feel lost from there.

So here is my question for you…when you lived in an apartment, how did you make it look nice and organized? And what things in your home are not only practical but also add a punch of color and décor? I need some inspiration, I am feeling very stuck!

Bummer

Can you all take the time to pray for us? Today my hubby's car broke down (for the umpteenth million time in 2.5 months) and I was driving it. I was attempting to merge from a entrance ramp that merges into the middle lane of an interstate...I got as far over as I could, but I wasn't quite past the cement block thingy so it basically got really bad. I had a panic attack and called 911 for a cop to come because I don't know the police number and was too messed up to try to find it. The guy on the other side of the call was great. He stayed on the phone with me some to help me calm down and said someone would be there soon. Drew quickly showed up and I ran to where he was (up the interstate some - talk about fun!) He ran back to his car and stayed until the cop and AAA came. The cop helped him get completely over onto the shoulder all the way. I think my panic attack came from the fact that people were honking and flipping me off. Like I could do something more. I did the best I freaking could.

Anyways - so we don't know if we can afford to fix it, if it can be fixed. Chances are it may just be better to get a new one...we don't know. But regardless, we don't have the money to fix it or the money to get a new one and the one I drive isn't exactly the greatest car and keeps over heating. I don't mind sharing a car, but if we do and I need it, it will make like difficult since Drew works clear across town. We are up the creek with a very limpy paddle.

Basically we are in a very sucky situation...and aren't sure what to do. Please please pray for us.

Thanks...

Questions & Answers

Ok, so this solid food thing....loving it, but I am confused.

1) What do you do when your child will not touch cereal?
- Parker just does not want cereal...does he REALLY need it? I have attempted to mix things in with it, applesauce, sweet potatoes, bananas...and he gives me that look like, "Mother, don't even trick me!"

2) I got the book Super Baby Food and I plan to start making my own. For those of you who have/had make your own baby food how did that work for you? I got a really nice blender rather than processor (since I know that I will use the blender a lot more than a processor) anyways...can you just give me examples of what you did, how you stored it, thawed it, measured it, and how about can I used can veggies, or do I always need to get fresh and then steam them and puree them? Just share some of your tips if you don't mind.

3) How did you know when your little one was ready for a cup? How did you introduce that? (I am thinking Parker isn't there yet, just kind of preparing.

4) What are so things you have learned from being a mommy and some tips you can share...I am attempting to make my life easier!

Thanks!

Oh and Parker is breathing just fine now. He has gotten horrible congested in the past few days and so we are going nuts sucking his nose out and using saline and such. I just feel like Parker has been sick like every day for the past like 3 months. It's one thing after another after another. I mean, it's all stuff that isn't serious and goes away quickly, but I feel like I should keep him in a bubble for a while! I am a bit frustrated!

It's a Good Day!

Today has been a great day! I am tired and I have a lot on my mind right now (nothing bad, I just have a lot to do before tomorrow night.) But all in all, today was an awesome day.

We headed down to Cincinnati to see our friend's Steve and Lindsey and their kiddos Taylor and Morgan. The ride down went smoothly, not even the most eventful. We got to their house and were able to visit for quite some time and it was great. We got to meet Morgan for the first time...she is precious! Just precious. It was fun! We headed to BW3's to eat some wings! MMMMM, it was super delicious. The ride home was a little more rough. First our car died in a left turn lane, the guy behind us started honking and being rude (I could tell because I was in the back seat looking out the back window at him.) It took us a while to get it started, but it did and the guy totally went around us and almost hit us. Drew proceeds to honk at him. Then we were almost out of cincy and I got sick...we had to stop at a gas station. It was no fun. But we got home and I am able to rest and I feel fine now.

Tomorrow, Drew's parents get here. I have a million things to do. I need to finish cleaning, go grocery shopping, wrap gifts, things of that nature. It's going to be a long day tomorrow! But this will be a wonderful week!

I hope you all are well. I greatly appreciate your encouragement on my last post. I was so drained! But I am a ton better now. And Parker is practically back to normal. He had cereal last night for the first time in a week and it stayed down and he is almost back up to a full bottle (which for him is 3.5 ozs!)

On a completely random note....I love Nancy Grace!!!

"Cancer of the Worry"

Thought I would share this with you! It's our christmas card!

**edit** Talked with Dr.'s assistant, he basically said that as long as Parker isn't running a fever, doesn't have bloody stool and is still eating, this should all run it's course. I really hate this, this is so hard, and I am in tears. I can't stop just staring at him and checking on him every few minutes. Please pray for me and him! **end edit**

Ask my husband and he will tell you, that I am the BIGGEST worry wart ever. He tells me all the time that I have "cancer of the worry" and that it is good at flaring up. I am great a conjuring up all sorts of silly things in my head and getting myself convinced of so much. I hate that I do it and I really truly do try not to do it, but boy is it hard to break a habit that just knows me so well.

Should I tell you? Well sure, I supposed I should...my cancer of the worry is flaring its terribly ugly pain in the booty head right now. Actually it has been all week. It all started Monday: Parker had diarrhea all day...it was full blown blow out kind. So many outfits got "stinky" all over them. Tuesday, things were turning around. His "stinky" wasn't runny, but it sure wasn't its normal consistency. Dr. said that there is a bug going around and as long as his "stinky" doesn't turn bloody and he doesn't have a fever, he should be ok. Also, to keep an eye on his eating habits. Well I have been. And he's been normal other than the diarrhea issue. Yesterday he was pretty normal in the "stinky" area, but today, it's back pretty bad. So of course I have myself convinced that he is going to die or something. I don't know, you just get all these "watch out for this" and if "this" happens make sure to call a doctor. (I should note that I am calling the doctor right now to ease my worry!) I mean what are they gonna do, yell at me for calling? See that's another thing, I convince myself that the doctor is going to think that I am a worry wart too and not want to talk to me ever again!

What is with my worry-wartness? (What a terrible word!) I am sick of being such a hypochondriac, ok so maybe I am not actually one, but would that explain my constant worry? I just want to do what's best for Parker and I want to be a good parent and keep up with him and his health. I don't want to worry, I don't like to worry, believe me, it's way too stressful! I just can't seem to shake it and it's been so much worse since Parker's birth. I don't know if it is because he is a preemie or if it's a normal mom reaction. But everything worries me when it comes to Parker. I really just want to be a great mom and be there for him. I don't want to let him down. I deal with feeling that when I think about his birth and being sick, I can't deal with more mommy guilt. It's just going to make me sick and frustrated and depressed.

Ok, so I think I am going to pray now...mind if I do it on here with all of you? No, well good, and if you said yes, then tough cookies!
God, I really need some peace right now. I am all worked up and worried about Parker and I just want to do what's best for him. Lord, help my conquer this crazy "cancer of the worry" that I have and help me trust you more. Lord, be with my little man, heal his body if he is sick and help him to not get even more sick. God, I just really love you and I love this baby you gave me and I want to do what is best for him. God, I love you, thank you so much for what you have given me! Amen!

There I am better now. Well, kind of anyways. Please continue to keep Kayleigh Freeman in your prayers. She is battling hard and doing her best.

Just Call me Frank Blunt

I am going to be frank and I am going to be blunt.

There are days, that I feel completely overwhelmed...I mean so stinking overwhelmed to where all I want to do is hide in the closet, snuggled in a blanket and cry. I just feel like, how on earth could God entrust this child to me? I am one of the most impatient, easily irrtible, hot tempered person (not all the time, I promise..and some of you are like, what not you?!) So then why must my child have acid reflux? I mean, oh man, some days I just want to put a cork in him. I just sometimes lose patience and get really nippy....at my 6 month old.

So I am overwhelmed...
But also I feel....
defeated
like the worse mom ever
frustrated
alone
sad

I feel like because I feel all these things I am being defeated. Satan is seriously attacking me. (He tends to do so...I think he should just go sit on a hot ember!) I mean, talk about negative attacks to my mind and heart. Talk about guilt trips galore and worry galore, doubt galore. I mean, this stupid dude knows every single stinking button to push and guess what....today, in fact, right now, he is pushing it. Oh man, there goes the, "if you keep being honest, then your friends will hate you" button. Guess what Satan....you just need to shut up! Oh but he is loud, no? I have guilt trips all the time, mommy guilt I call it. Oh man, I hate it, but I battle it DAILY! And I always worry about things...and that leads me to getting it into my head that something bad has happened or whatever. I doubt myself as a mother sometimes too...ok er, all the time.

Mother guilt, doubt and worry all lead to me feeling like the worst mom ever. I hate that feeling. I hate that there are days that Parker makes me want to go live under a rock. there are days when all this stuff is reeling in my head and I get short and I get upset and I can't enjoy my son and that is not right. Deep down, I know that I am a great mom, I have helped my son out so much and he counts on me and I do what I can, but I don't often look deep enough. There are times that I resent my dear boy. I feel terrible for that. I guess I think about last year, how I could go out whenever, hang out with people as long as I wanted, my house was clean and semi-(not at all) organized and things were just dandy. Now it's hard, I am constantly wandering through the maze in my living room, washing bottles, making formula, getting spit up on, cleaning up baby spit, picking up toys. I can't go out without him often, and going out with him is such a chore. I miss it just being me and Drew. I don't think I am really used to it being the 3 (er make that 4 - the cat) of us yet. Does this make me selfish?

Currently, I am beginning to mourn that my pregnancy ended the way it did. It just seems so unfair. I missed out on so much and for that, I am ticked. it's just not fair, ya know. I am really mad and hurt and upset about it, still...6 months later. I just seriously don't understand it. What did I do wrong and why do I feel like it was a punishment? I don't think most of you can understand these hard feelings. I mean, explain to me why I went in for a pain in my side and ended up with a preemie and in the hospital...it's not fair. I mean, I really don't want to be mad at God, but I can't help it too. I know he does things for a reason and yah, I know there are certain ones for me and yes I can point them out, BUT I am human and I have these feelings that I fight. I feel like my pregnancy just - well - died. One day I feel my son kicking inside me, the next, I was in some of the most terrible pain I have felt and my son was lying in an incubator growing outside me. For this reason, I am TERRIFIED of getting pregnant again. I am terrified of "marital relations" again. Because I REALLY do not want to go through this again and I may and I may not...and that's frustrating, to not know if it would happen again or not.

I need to regroup and pray and pray hard. I need to cry and I need to know that I am normal and not insane.

A Parker Manuel

Here's my theory, anytime a baby comes out of the belly, it should have a little manuel attached to it, like, instead of them coming out all gunky and gewy and ewwwy and icky, they should come out clean, with a big bow around them (blue for boy and pink for girl, of course!) and in that bow, should be the baby's manuel. Mine of course would be called that "Parker Manuel". And it would give me all the answers I need so I don't lose what little brain I have left.

" Congratulations, you have had your very own Parker! This manuel is designed specifically for him and his needs and all the answers for him! Do not share as your Parker is completely different from any other Parker and will not have the same issues as any other baby! You did great carrying him for "insert amount of time here" and I entrust this child to you for the next "insert amount here"! Again Congratulations! "

Oh how I wish I had one because I am so confused sometimes by this child. Or just things related to him, like for example, at this age (almost 6 months) how often should he be sleeping? What if he is over sleeping or under sleeping? And what about his dry skin, is that ok (actually the doctor and I talked about that on Tuesday). Oh and what about teething, is he or isn't he? Is his poopy allowed to be hard or should it still be soft? If it is hard and he is only on cereal, is that a bad thing? Am I over stimulating him but having Dora on in the background? Boy, I just have so many questions. which sometimes (ok MOST OF THE TIME) leads to me stressing and conjuring up terrible things and this of course leads me to my mommy guilt issues. I can see it now, "Oh no, hard poop....he's really sick!"

Then of course in the manuel would be all the answers I need to solid foods. Mainly, the answers to making my own. I want to do that because I know WIC does not provide baby food, just cereal (anyone else find this silly?) and plus I have always wanted to. (I know of a good book though!) and of course there would be a coupon for free diapers for Parker until he doesn't need them anymore. And there would be a part about how to potty train.

Oh wouldn't it be nice?

Prayer Please

Can you all just take a moment and pray for me? I am not entirely sure what is going on, but I am just kind of at wits end and the end of my rope right now. 

Also, can you pray for Parker. I am not entirely sure what is going on with him. I am sure that part of his problem is recovering from the trip as I am not surprised if he feels a little off, but recently, like with in the past week, at night, he becomes mr fussy. Screaming and not being able to really be soothed. I don't know if maybe he is teething or what. He acts really hungry and so I feed him, he starts to suck and screams as if it hurts. I wouldn't be surprise if there may be some teeth coming in (I don't see anything at this point!) Also, it seems his reflux has flared it's ugly head again (well it's been around, but it seems to be bad again).

This is all really frustrating me because when we went to the doctor last time, he wanted us to make sure Parker ate no less than 70mls and wants him to be up to 90mls, he is a bit behind on gaining..(not a large amount) so it's frustrating because all of sudden he seems to not want more than 50 or 60 most of the time. But I don't want to force him to eat and then have him throw it up, ya know? I just don't know what to do, I don't want the doctor to yell at me for Parker's eating issues. I don't know...this being a mom thing is so hard and confusing sometimes. I mean, obviously I want to do what the doctor says, but at the same time, I want want to hurt Parker in the process. I think this might be where instincts take over...after all I am his mommy and know him better than anyone. I had to trust my instincts in the hospital and that always helped...

Just pray for me, Parker, us as we work through this! I am convinced that baby's should come out with their own personal manuel.

Death To My Cat!!!

(No not really death - just a very unhappy human mommy!)

Got up this morning, have a great morning, Parker is in a good mood, got my McSkillet Burrito from McDonalds, head to church, GREAT Message (more on that and God's work in me tomorrow!) enjoy seeing friends, getting ready to start being in charge of toddler room (so excited...) come home...

DEATH TO MY CAT!!!!!

I had planned to make a nice big pot of Chicken Tortilla  Soup. I pulled out the meat this morning, put it in a plastic dish covered with plastic wrap. I get home, I am changing Parker's diaper...I hear from the kitchen "Oh My Gosh!!!! Hunny Come Here!" Drew had found one of the pieces of meat on the floor, half eaten. We both yell at our cat and she runs and cowers under the bed. It also looked like she had gotten into the others too. 

We are not happy campers...but on a happy note, now we are going to have pizza!!!

What I am going to do with my cat??