Thursday, December 18, 2008

"Cancer of the Worry"

Thought I would share this with you! It's our christmas card!

**edit** Talked with Dr.'s assistant, he basically said that as long as Parker isn't running a fever, doesn't have bloody stool and is still eating, this should all run it's course. I really hate this, this is so hard, and I am in tears. I can't stop just staring at him and checking on him every few minutes. Please pray for me and him! **end edit**

Ask my husband and he will tell you, that I am the BIGGEST worry wart ever. He tells me all the time that I have "cancer of the worry" and that it is good at flaring up. I am great a conjuring up all sorts of silly things in my head and getting myself convinced of so much. I hate that I do it and I really truly do try not to do it, but boy is it hard to break a habit that just knows me so well.

Should I tell you? Well sure, I supposed I cancer of the worry is flaring its terribly ugly pain in the booty head right now. Actually it has been all week. It all started Monday: Parker had diarrhea all was full blown blow out kind. So many outfits got "stinky" all over them. Tuesday, things were turning around. His "stinky" wasn't runny, but it sure wasn't its normal consistency. Dr. said that there is a bug going around and as long as his "stinky" doesn't turn bloody and he doesn't have a fever, he should be ok. Also, to keep an eye on his eating habits. Well I have been. And he's been normal other than the diarrhea issue. Yesterday he was pretty normal in the "stinky" area, but today, it's back pretty bad. So of course I have myself convinced that he is going to die or something. I don't know, you just get all these "watch out for this" and if "this" happens make sure to call a doctor. (I should note that I am calling the doctor right now to ease my worry!) I mean what are they gonna do, yell at me for calling? See that's another thing, I convince myself that the doctor is going to think that I am a worry wart too and not want to talk to me ever again!

What is with my worry-wartness? (What a terrible word!) I am sick of being such a hypochondriac, ok so maybe I am not actually one, but would that explain my constant worry? I just want to do what's best for Parker and I want to be a good parent and keep up with him and his health. I don't want to worry, I don't like to worry, believe me, it's way too stressful! I just can't seem to shake it and it's been so much worse since Parker's birth. I don't know if it is because he is a preemie or if it's a normal mom reaction. But everything worries me when it comes to Parker. I really just want to be a great mom and be there for him. I don't want to let him down. I deal with feeling that when I think about his birth and being sick, I can't deal with more mommy guilt. It's just going to make me sick and frustrated and depressed.

Ok, so I think I am going to pray now...mind if I do it on here with all of you? No, well good, and if you said yes, then tough cookies!
God, I really need some peace right now. I am all worked up and worried about Parker and I just want to do what's best for him. Lord, help my conquer this crazy "cancer of the worry" that I have and help me trust you more. Lord, be with my little man, heal his body if he is sick and help him to not get even more sick. God, I just really love you and I love this baby you gave me and I want to do what is best for him. God, I love you, thank you so much for what you have given me! Amen!

There I am better now. Well, kind of anyways. Please continue to keep Kayleigh Freeman in your prayers. She is battling hard and doing her best.


Ali said...

Praying for you, Parker, and the Freemans.

Love ya.

Carrie said...

Awww...your Christmas card is adorable!!! I am a terrible worrywart, too, about everything, especially Zachary! I know it's a sin, but I think it comes so naturally to us moms!!!

Dad Northern said...

Deni - You are doing so great!! I'm thankful that you are sensitive to what's happening with Parker. I know it's not much fun, but it is a comfort to us to know that you don't let things go. We were always mindful of Steve's condition and that led us to make contact when we needed to. Thank you for being the best possible Mom for our grandson.

See you next week!!

Dad Northern