My 2 Year Old

It hardly seems possible but today my miracle baby turns 2. I am not entirely sure where the heck the time went, but I am so thankful to have been his mommy for 2 years. I can still remember well his birth day. The emergent nature of his birth, being wheeled into the operating room, Drew leaving me at the door, people working around me to prep me, the lights, the sounds, the smell. In the corner a small isolette. It all is still so real in my mind.

2 years and here is where my little man is at...He is 20lbs, he is 31 inches tall. He's been following his own growth curve nicely and is healthy - despite being small. The Dr. is happy with his development. He is now caught up with his chronological age in all areas (except for speech - but he's only a very little behind there.) He is my whole world, the center of the attention and the perfect example of a 2 yr. old. Parker is being switched to a toddler bed. He talks, walks, runs, eats, and is a little man. He's a little human. He sure has come a long way from 2lbs 3ozs!

Wow has the time flown. I look forward to year 3 with Parker. I am sure it will be challenging, but I wouldn't want to do it with anyone else.

Parker,
I love you so much my little miracle man. You are the light of my life. I am so blessed to be your mommy. I love you :)

                                           Parker: May 29, 2008, 2lbs 3ozs, 14.5 inches long

Parker - May 29, 2009; 15lbs, 27in. long

Parker: May 29, 2010 - 20lbs, 31inches long

May 2008 Hand Pictures

May 2010 Hand Picture

May 2008 Hand on Back

May 2010 Hand on back

May 2008 With BearBear

May 2010 With Bear Bear

And of course our yearly Trooper picture (sorry it went blurry :()

You have come a long way buddy! I love you :)

Mother's Day Recap

Mommies out there - I hope you all had a wonderful Mother's Day! I know mine was super special and I had a great day. Here is a recap of the day.

Mother's day started out like a normal Sunday. Got up, got dressed, usual routine with Parker, ate, headed to church. Church was good. We had baby dedications and the sermon was good as well. Drew had left for church earlier than me to help with set up and such, so when I got there, i was surprised by this:



It a reusable cup from Starbucks, I LOVE IT! He had it filled with my favorite drink - Green Tea Lemonade Sweetened. MMMM. He also presented me with a $15 itunes card. Probably to get me off his back for wanting some new songs on my iphone. (Kidding!) However, it was hard to pick just 15 songs...I had a long list. But I narrowed it down. Can't wait to have those on my phone tonight!

After church we had cake and punch for the families who had their child dedicated. I then came home and was surprised - Again. Mandi was here, she has a spare key from way back when she took care of our cat for us. She came over while we were at church and cleaned the apartment some. She also set up my Mother's Day surprise. It was honestly very nice to come home and have a clean living room that had been swept. On my dining room table were a balloon bouquet, some flowers and a few gift boxes. In the smallest box was a beautiful necklace from Mandi. It was blue, my favorite color! I unfortunately don't have a picture of it right now, but I will take one soon. In the big box was my gift from Parker. It was by far the best gift I think I have ever received. (Next to him ;) of course!) It was this beautiful hand made plate with his hand print on it....see



I think it might be the best personalized gift I have received. Well, not sure though, because I also adore my personalized necklace with PArker's name on it I got last year. Anyways. I love it. His hands are special to me - when he was in the NICU, I help his hands a LOT, when we would kangaroo he would always massage my chest with his hands, one time he laid on his hand it made a red imprint on my skin over my heart! Anytime I need a hug, he always reaches out to me with his hands. So for me to receive this gift with his hand print on it, well, it met the world to me. It's a very special gift and a huge surprise because I didn't see it coming. I cried a bit. But that's ok, because it met I was happy!

After opening the gifts Drew took a nap since he had been sick the past few days, Parker took a nap and Mandi and I well, we talked and watched Mythbusters. We spent the afternoon resting and relaxing and playing with Parker. At dinner time we headed to:


It was fun, though the waiting was kind of long (then again it was Mother's Day!) Oh and while we were waiting to be seated Parker had his first kiss. There was a little girl walking around with her mom - she was a beginner walker, because she had to hold both her mom's hands and she kinda tiptoed. Anyway, they came up near us and Parker was trying to talk to her. She walked right up to him and bam, laid one on him. Parker looked up at me and back at her and she did it again. Everyone around us did what anyone should do - a unison "Awwwww" and then the mom apologized. I told her it was totally fine, no big deal. I mean, it's not like she punched him or something...ya know? It was a little kid being a little kid. I had no issues. I was more concerned she had gotten some of Parker's snot on her since his nose was runny. It was super cute though. And made it an unforgettable day for sure.

The rest of the evening was spent editing wedding photos from the wedding Mandi and I shot. I will share a few tomorrow.

So to say yesterday was awesome - that would be an understatement. Parker, Drew and Mandi made it an incredibly special day for me. I have never felt more special then I did yesterday. It was definitely a mother's day I will never ever forget. Plus, now I have it all in writing...teehee.

I hope yours was a good one too!

An Epiphany

Recently, I had this epiphany of sorts. Maybe it wasn't so much an epiphany as it was just a realization of reality.

I No Longer Have A Preemie!


Whhaaaaat?

You heard me. Yes, Parker will always be a miracle, he will always have a very special birth story and may remain small for a while, but he's not a preemie. Nope, Parker is a (almost) 2 yr. old. He is right on track. He's like any other kids his age, he talks like them, plays like them - he is a toddler 100%. Parker will probably remain in a low precentile for height and weight, but he will get there. And really, he's not THAT little. Well not to me anyway.

It's kind of surreal to realize this. I mean, I kinda no longer have the preemie excuse. He's at an age where he can be more independent and I don't need to be way over protective anymore. And who are we kidding, we all know I will be. After all, he is my baby and I just want him to be safe and ok.

I don't want to let go of the preemie title for some reason. It's something I talked about with Drew the other night and he asked if that's because I won't be the special mom anymore - I don't really know. I will always be special in my own way, but so much of my identity and reality these past almost 2 yrs has been that of the mom of a preemie. You get kinda used to that. Being Denise, the mom of the preemie Parker.

However, I am ready to shed this title. Parker will always remain that miracle child if you ask me, but no longer is he a preemie. He's a 23 month old.

It's pretty special.

A Parker Update

Well, I realized, I haven't really updated recently on Mr. Park man (p.s. yes I now call him Park...I wish I didn't because as he becomes older this could become a problem, but, at this point, it's cute.) Anyways, an update, right, I said I would give you an update...

He's doing great. 22.5 months old, 31 inches tall and FINALLY 20 lbs. again (I think he lost a bit a weight as he had his growth spurt recently. Believe me, he is far from malnourished!) He's quite the little man now - very much a toddler. Climbs on to everything, gets into everything, mouthy (kinda of), loud and stubborn.

He's been doing great with his therapies. He remains in speech - they want him using two word phrases more. Personally, I think he talks better other kids his age or older, but I also don't want him to regress. My current plan is to let him remain in therapy until he's 2 and depending on where he is and how our therapist acts, we may just not do it anymore. It's not really a requirement anyways, I wanted it initially because I didn't want him getting behind...now I feel he's pretty much caught up to other 22.5 month olds. So we will see. Other than that, that's really the only therapy he gets. We still see his Help Me Grow case worker (and will until he's 3 or 4) and we still see his early intervention teacher, but only every other month - thank God. He's almost done with all the visits and we are already (kinda) thinking about preschool - in that, we need to get the heck out of the Columbus school system and move into Hilliard Schools, which is where we want to be (and if we lived just a couple miles north of here we would!) I don't plan to put him in preschool until he is at least 2.5, but maybe older - we'll see. No rush...he's still a baby if you ask me, except that he screams, talks and runs...babies don't do that!

Anyway, back to language skills...Would you like to see what he can say (if I can remember). I actually have a paper my ST gave me to keep track, but I don't always get everything he says because the kid repeats everything and adds a new word daily if not more. Ok - words:

MaMa, Daddy, bye-bye, hi, night-night, allgone, all done, uhoh, no, yes (yah), go, up, down, more, baby, potty, car, Parker (parter), bear (every stuffed animal is a bear...), coat, pants, shirt (shir), ear, apple, ball, moo, cup, arf-arf, spoon, owie, bird, hat, balloon (loon), shoes, cheese (chee), block, cat, sock, hair, book, help (halp), bath, foot, cookie, dog (puppy), hot dog (hot gog), hot, cracker (cacker) duck, nose, milk, truck, pig, toe, play, eat, open, push, pull, ready (reedy), quack (cack), baa, toy, choo-choo, fish (ish), yum (num), boy, Nana, Papaw, Mandi (manny), please (he says peease and shacks his head yes), two, neigh, oink, cereal, bubble, oh wow, oh yah, oh boy, robot (bot), boo, Elmo, outside or inside (side), tractor, truck, plane, star, step (tep)

So yah, the kid can talk. I swear one day he said love you after I said it. And i think there are more, but again, I can't remember them all. So yah, too bad sometimes I still have no clue what he means or wants or needs!

Let see, what else??? Well, he had his first bloody nose yesterday (I am not mother of the year on this one!) We were at Polaris, a local mall, daddy had gone to sit down for a bit and rest due to a headache and so I took parker to the food court little type play area (its all moving toys that cost too much for him to ride.) I was letting him climb on them (and watching.) i got distracted by my phone bleeping at me and out of the corner of my eye I see him running and hear a scream. I went over and he had face planted into one of the toys. I grab him and head to drew who could hear him from where he was on the other side of the food court (my son's not a quiet cryer!). As we get closer I notice blood poor out of his poor nose. It stopped bleeding super quick and he was fine, but in that moment, I felt like a complete failure.

What else? Oh, I am going with my friend Summer to a Bible Study at her church for the next three weeks. Anyways, I have never put Parker in child care at any other church (except Drew's old one he grew up in) because I have just am like, freaked out, he's so tiny and they don't know his story and all of that. Well anyways, I took him with me and put him in there, expecting tears, because I always have tears from him at our church - nothing, he goes in and plays and completely ignores the fact I am leaving. I was so happy he did well yet so mad at myself for doubting he'd do well.

I can't believe my little man is going be two soon. Where has my 2lb miracle gone...?

Wordless Wednesday - Easter

The Baby # 2 Issue

I need prayer because I am just going batty right now. I am feeling this overwhelming pressure to have another child and I am going to tell you this - as much as I want one, the thought of being pregnant again makes when want to throw up and I start to kind of hyperventilate.

Can you blame me? Considering how my last pregnancy went?

No one is putting this pressure on me except for "myself." And even then, I am pretty sure it's satan's way of getting me where it hurts. I love my friends, all of them, and most have 2 or more kids (or are on their way to that, or have just had a brand new one) and so I supposed you could say society is also putting this pressure on me. None of my friends do it, they know better and they know that it's a touchy subject. I adore them and one of my closest friends even knows the name I would want if I had another one...but I just don't know.

If I could go into a pregnancy knowing 100% that everything would be A-ok and I'd have a "normal" one, I'd jump on that bandwagon, but the truth is, I haven't a CLUE what to expect. I could have a perfect pregnancy or I could have one like Parker's - I just don't know right now. I talked to my OB/GYN when I was there in Jan. and she and I both agreed that I would need to see a high risk doctor first and go from there. Ideally, we'd MAYBE start trying again later this year. However, there are so many things holding me back.

Even now as I type this I am crying...because the overwhelming reality of what I have been through is hitting me, yet again. I can say that God has changed me through all of this, but it doesn't mean I am not scare, worried, terrified, "damaged" by it all. I don't know if other people in my situation ever feel this way - I would assume so. I just still have a lot more healing emotionally to do from his birth.

Not to mention, I'd really like to lose more weight and get healthier before I go getting pregnant again. It would lower my risks of some of the issues I did have - and I am trying to do that. Believe me I am.

Then there's Parker - I want to focus on him and his development. I can't imagine having another preemie, Parker still needing therapy and having to balance all of that.

Besides, right now, I am enjoying being a mom to 1. He's so worth it and I love spending our one on one time...I am not sure I would want that to just go away.

Don't get me wrong, I do want another child. I have always wanted two - a boy and a girl. And to be honest I never wanted them close together anyway. I am the oldest in my family, my brother Phil (next oldest) and I are 3 yrs apart and he and Steph are 4 years apart and she and Brandon are 3 years apart and I like that. I think that's what I want with my kids. I am just in no rush. I also want to adopt, maybe Drew and I will end up pursuing that rather than having one of our own - I don't know.

All I know is that when I feel like I do right now, I turn to blogging and getting it out and more than that - I turn to God, I pray that He give me a peace and just let his will be done. I don't know what his plans are and I know that at anytime he could strike my uterus and boom - baby 2 could be concieved...but that's his decision. He knows what my life looks like, I don't. But I trust him.

And for now, I think I will just enjoy this adorable little 22 month old:



And really, how could I not?

The Rewards of Parenting

So I am currently addicted to this new show, Parenthood, on NBC. It follows the Braverman family As they each deal with different aspects of parenthood: The Mom and Dad - dealing with their kids/grandkids, Adam and his wife Kristina who's son was just diagnosed with Asperger's and a daughter who's going through the teen angst, rebellion stage; Sarah who just moved back to the area with her two teen children, living with her parents, trying to start over; Julia and her husband Joel - he's a stay at home dad, she's a lawyer and her daughter and her don't really connect well and Crosby, who just found out he has a 5 yr. old boy.

This last episode, Crosby and Adam have a heart to heart about why parenting is rewarding and what if you don't feel something for your child. I loved it and it made me think about what feels rewarding to me. But first, here's the scene - WARNING - there is one cuss word used.



What makes parenting rewarding to you? To me even?

I came up with just a brief list of what's been rewarding for me...in the past almost 2 years.

- He knows I am his mama! Seems simple, but sometimes I don't allow myself to feel that. I can remember very distinctly one day when I went into the NICU and Parker had had a bad morning - within minutes of me being there and having my hand on his back (even at that tiny 2 lbs stage and just newly born) his numbers improved and his breathing got better. That was one rewarding moment. For all the stress of the couple weeks he was in there at that point, that moment, knowing that MY SON knew me and calmed down - that was rewarding.

- Each new milestone! I think most parents would think this is a rewarding part of being a parent, seeing your child(ren) hit a new milestone. For me, I think it goes deeper. I was so concerned for most of the past two years that Parker would never catch up and be "normal", but man each time he hit a milestone - whether it was walking, talking, eating, ect - the rewarding feeling I felt was unmatchable. Even today, as he sat with his speech therapist and she said he had at least 2 months left, I felt rewarded knowing that though he is "behind" on his speech, he is meeting his goals they set.

- Watching them accomplish something! As a parent, we teach our children how to be good people, do everyday tasks and for me, it's rewarding to see when Parker gets it. Today, he put on his own pair of pants, granted, he had trouble pulling them up and he had put both legs down the same pant leg, but still. I left the room to grab some lotion and came back to find him mostly dressed in his pants. Something that I feel like I have talked to him and shown him at nauseum he is know wanting to do and doing on his own.

I love being a parent, and while there are times it's hard (recently - it has been) the good far outweighs the bad. Sure, Parker has his days of anger and tantrums, and his nights filled with night terrors and little sleep and his disobeys and pushes my buttons, but when it comes right down to it - I AM SO GLAD I AM HIS MOMMY! It's so rewarding, even in the hard times and for that, I am so grateful.

I am blessed! So blessed!

The Funny Farm

"They're coming to take me away hehe, they're coming to take me away hoho...."

Seriously, I feel like someone should just come, put me in a straight jackets and throw me in a padded room because I don't see myself getting out of this stage sane.

Friends, it's started. Seriously...the tantrum throwing, no listening, mom-defying, stage has started and I am going to go CRAZY.


I knew it was coming - I knew my perfect little angel would soon become this testy, fussy, pushing-moms-buttons little boy, but not yet. But sadly there is no turning back. I guess I have to go forward to work through yet another challenge with my Park-Man. Oh and I am so not looking forward to it.

Gone are the days of cuddles and snuggles and sitting on the floor staying in one spot. Nope now it's all, throwing and hitting when not getting his way. The silliest fake tantrums I have ever ever seen. Time outs (though at this point these are few and far between!)

So what do I do, how do I love him with patience and understanding and not let him turn into a total brat? I don't have the slightest clue how to do this, he's my first kid, and while I had younger siblings, it's not like I got to discipline them. I ran and hid and I think that's generally frowned upon with your own child, right?

I need tips here people. Has anyone read The Happiest Toddler on the Block? Would you recommend it? Any other books or suggestions or rules or anything you would recommend. And how do I know if I should just let him have his fake tantrum or if I should discipline.

Sadly, once again, I am stuck with no Parker owner's manual. (All I am saying is God and I need to have a discussion about this!) So I am coming to you, you who have had toddlers or know someone who has. Because well, if we aren't careful, mommy might end up in the Funny Farm!

So I scream it from the mountain tops (or in central ohio - the corn fields!)



Please help me before I sink in this quick sand of toddler-ness!

A New Outlook

To say that I have a lot of bitterness built up inside about Parker's birth would be an understatement. For as much as I consider myself "over it" and moved past it, I still harbor a lot of anger that his birth happened the way it did. I know, to you, it seems kind of pathetic that I would harbor these feelings, but I think there may always be a part of me that is a little upset with God "allowing" this. I am human after all and I do hurt and I am not perfect.

However - I am starting to get a whole new outlook about it. Was it easy? Um NO! Was it fun? Ha - right. Would I want it to happen again? Nope But the reality is it could. I am at risk, but a maybe slightly lower risk. But I do have a new outlook - it was a lesson in putting full trust in God that I will never forget. I had to let go and let God control the situation. There was simply nothing more that I could do. I had to let go and trust that God would be with those doctors as they took my son out of me and whisked him to the NICU. I had to let go and trust God to give the appropriate knowledge to the Neonatologist, doctors and nurses that worked on Parker and took care of him in the NICU. It wasn't easy. Especially once I was able to see him. I wanted to wrap him up in my arms and hold him forever...be his protector, his doctor, his nurse, his everything, but I couldn't. Besides the fact that I don't have the degree or the knowledge needed, I had to heal myself.

There's been this empty time in my head since Parker's birth. I can remember VERY clearly up to when they gave me the anesthesia. I remember very clearly that last things I heard before I feel into a deep sleep - "I will be here with you the whole time." A nurse named Mary said as she held my hand and I drifted to sleep. I remember hearing voices while in the ICU, but I don't really remember seeing people until my in-laws go there later Thursday evening. There's a few hours that I will probably never know about. The one thing I always wanted to know was what happened during my c-section. Did Parker come out crying, limp, ect? What would it have been like had I not been under general anesthesia? I do know Parker came out crying and kicking - a ton. My OB/GYN has answered that one. He was a little fighter from the get-go. But what about the rest of those unanswered questions? I don't think I will ever know 100% what it was like in the operating room. Drew wasn't in there so he can't answer that for me...but I did have a small glimpse.

On Jan 31, there was a special on TLC. It was called "Special Duggar Delivery" and it was about the birth of their 19th child, miss Josie Brooklyn. She came at 26 weeks and was a 1lb 6oz miracle. You may not like them or agree with their lifestyle, I don't always agree with their views, but for me, to start a total healing process I had to watch this episode. I DVRd it and waited until I had the time to watch it, no interruptions, me allowing myself to feel and watch. I ended up not sleeping well that night and woke up at 2am. I decided to watch it...mostly because I couldn't sleep because I wanted to watch it so bad. I sat and watched it. And let me tell you, it wasn't easy. They showed Michelle's C-section and you know what...it really helped me. I put myself on that operating table and it helped me see kind of what happened during Parker's birth. To see how fast it went, how quickly they got Josie out, how fast they got her to the NICU - I knew in my heart, that's what they did with Parker. And I am thankful for that.

My outlook is changing about this. I will never be thrilled that it happened - who would? But I can learn to look at it now in a positive frame of mind. It strengthened my walk with God, it gave me the most beautiful miracle child, it brought people into my life that I may not have known otherwise, it showed me how a church can love it's members, it showed me that I am way stronger than I give myself credit for. I have been blessed with being able to get to know other preemie parents and helping in their journey. I have learned to really cry out to God. Sure, there are still some negative feelings towards it and to be honest, for as much as I want another child, I am TERRIFIED of this repeating itself. But I know, that God is always here, He will get me through another hard pregnancy if that's what it would be, He knows what's gonna happen in the future, I don't.

I can honestly say, I am thankful that my son was born 11 weeks early. I wouldn't be where I am today if he hadn't been. To look at him now, sitting on the floor, talking to the TV, smiling at me and laughing loudly - it was all worth it. Every single part of this journey has been worth it.

Thank you God for a new outlook!

Deep Breaths & Deep Snow

First of all, I want to thank those of you who left such encouragement on my last post. I don't like to be Deni-Downer, but I also want to make sure that I am raw and honest with those who still read this blog. I don't want to lie and sit here and tell you, "I am just fine, peachy keen jelly bean" when deep inside i am torn and hurt and broken. I have done that too many times in my life and I need to not do it.

Parker is doing GREAT! He's been stuffy and a little cough-y but other than that, his breathing is beautiful. I've had to do two alubterol treatments since Monday, at night, which honestly isn't surprising. I mean, if you think about how stuff settles and you heard how snotty he was, you'd do it too. It was completely precautionary. He wasn't wheezy, but his cough concerned me enough to go ahead and do it. And he's had no wheezing and is pretty much back to normal. FloVent will be on his daily regimen, but no biggie...anything to keep his lungs open and give him the ability to breath. It's good to hear him breath deep and not here him struggle. It was a long week.

I myself am doing better. I think I mentioned I was sick too. Sinus infection and congestion. Today is the first day really that I finally can breathe through my nose again. Still got a little junk in my throat, but I am doing well. It was a long week for me. Oh and I got blood tests back (I had them done Mon.) and everything looks great. I need to probably lost about 40-50 lbs to be mostly healthy, which I want to and intend to do, but my cholesterol is doing great (though I am on meds for that).

Parker and I are hunkered down inside for the next couple of days. Snowmaggedon is on in full force here in central ohio and I do not have any desire to be out in it. We could get up to 10 inches of snow and in some areas a foot. Which means I have every intention of hanging out in my home till Sunday. Mostly because of Parker and the fact that cold weather does trigger his issues and also because I HATE snow, I hate being out in it, I hate driving it, I hate cleaning it off my car and away from my front door.

Sunday is the BIG GAME! Colts vs. Saints in the Super Bowl. Our life group is having a party and I am pretty pumped. Can't wait to wear my jersey to church and show off my Colts pride. Have a good one and if you are in central OH - stay warm and don't get lost in the snow :)

GO COLTS!!!!!

....Thy Name Is....

Failure thy name is Denise...

OK before you start going off on me and telling me how wonderful of a mom and wife and friend and yadda yadda I am, hear me out on this one... ok. I promise it starts off rough, but gets SO much better.

For several weeks (ok so maybe my whole life) I have been feeling like a failure. A failure as a mom, family member, wife, woman, Christian...I could list more. I could make a list of all the things I am convinced I have failed at, HOWEVER, I won't. Mostly because you don't have the time to read them all and also because, they aren't important, especially past things. Most recently though there have been 3 areas and which I have felt like a colossal failure.

1) Parker - I can see you sitting there now about ready to beat your head (or perhaps past that point) on the desk. Bare (bear?) with me. Where he is concerned, because I care THAT deeply, I feel like I fail on a daily basis. This past weekend was one of those areas. My sweet little man had, yet again, another wheezing episode. On Thursday last week, he became congested. Paying close enough attention I noticed that he was coughing - ding ding ding - a light went off - I remembered that this is actually a first sign of potential wheezing....I albuteroled the heck out of him Thursday. Friday he sounded great, no real cough, so I didn't worry - until the evening. That's when the big coughs came - again...friend thy name is albuterol. Saturday morning the poor boy woke up a hot wheezy mess. I called his pediatricians office knowing full well that it was a Sat and I probably would get a co-worker of his normal dr. We went in, sure enough....my ears did not deceive me. *Feeling of failure comes in here* The Dr. whom I thought was REALLY awesome talked to me about how I did the right thing, and how we would start Parker on FloVent (a preventative breathable inhaler) and OraPred (oral steroid - know as to me - Parker's hyper happiness) and that we wouldn't need to go to the ER. (Side note: all the way to the dr. I was convinced I'd have to take him to the ER). I asked her about 4 times if she was SURE I wouldn't need to take him to the er. Nope she said. Ok sure. I told her that I felt so happy that I had gotten ahead of if for the first time and that I really though there would be no wheezing this time around and she said that I had. (Ok then why the wheezing huh?) With his lungs being as premature as they were it's not surprising that even though I was really vigilant he still wheezed. It's the nature of the beast.

I left feeling both relieved and worried. We got home and Parker's wheezing got worse. I call the Dr. back (feeling of failure #2) and asked what to do (I actually called my friend Crissy first...thanks for listening to me that day - Love you!) She said that again, I had done the right thing, calling her (she seems to know I need reassurance) and that we would put him on albuterol every two hours for 6 hours (that would be three doses before bedtime) to give both the Flovent and the orapred the ability to really get in his system. It worked! I was thrilled and those failure feelings left.

So that's the most recent "issue" with Parker and failure coming into play. Today's feeling of failure - my son too much TV (P.S. he's currently napping - I don't have him watching the Boob Tube). He actually doesn't get that much. He gets an hour of Sesame street after nap. And maybe 1-1.5 hours the rest of the day spread out. (The kid must watch Yo Gabba Gabba before bed....and I am ok with that, because by the time it's over, he's read to sleep.)

2) Keeping house
I am not gonna lie, I hate housework. I hate everything about it, but I hate my house being messy - imagine that. I think sometimes it feels pointless to clean. Like yesterday, I worked REALLY hard on cleaning the kitchen. It looked pretty (needed to sweep and mop but with my head cold, I just couldn't continue past what I had done.) and nice. I made dinner - and now, it's destroyed. Again. Ugh. Oh and the living room. Toys toys everywhere. Ugh. I feel like a failure in the house cleaning area. Maybe if I wasn't sick it would better. Oh who are we kidding, it wouldn't make a difference, I just have zero cleaning motivation.

3) My weight.
I am overweight. There - I said it. I know I am, I know I have been and I have a REAL TRUE desire to lose weight. If I can lose weight I should be able to have a healthy pregnancy again (when we are ready...and want to try again - READ I AM NOT PREGNANT) and I think I would like myself better. I want so bad to go on Weight Watchers or something, but I stress about the money and the doing it and the keeping the motivation part. Ugh. I hate it. I feel like such a failure in the weight loss area.

satan they name is snot

I mean really! I have had a head cold/sinus infection for a week now and I don't really feel too much better. I am still blowing my nose every 3.5 seconds (ok I exaggerate). I have used mucinex, sudafed, tylenol head and cold and I swear I am still so friggin clogged. I hate this and am convinced satan lives in my sinus' and is named snot.

Speaking of the red dude. I know that he is why I feel like a failure. He plays on my insecurities, my fears, my doubts. If he didn't know me so dang well and left me alone, I know that I would feel better. It gets frustrating, because I do try to not listen, but it's hard ya know? I am thankful that I have grown so much since P's birth because I truly believe that time and the growth afterwards has helped me to learn how to overcome satan's lies. Now, don't get me wrong, I am not perfect and there are times I listen to them, but a majority of the time, I am fine or I can notice them easier and get myself into a much better frame of mind.

So yah.

I think I will let you go....

Post thy name is long.....

(P.S. sorry for my obsession with the phrase "thy name is."





****Please note that I say "I Feel Like" not "I Am A" Failure! I am learning to not allow what I feel to constantly rule my life and me!****

Living La Vida Loca

I feel like I haven't had anything exciting to say recently. I feel like my blog is repetitive and boring. But I have some things to talk about...so I figured, what the hey, I will just update.

1) Haiti
My heart breaks for those affected by the earthquake down there. It seems like tragedies like this really make me check myself. I've been complaining a lot about not having a house...I hate living in an apartment. Then I see what those people were living in prior to this devastation and I feel completely lousy. How can I complain about a nice apt. and needs being met...when others are living in such horrible conditions. I won't lie, I've been glued to the TV at night. I keep watching Anderson Cooper 360 because I love his perspective on it. But it makes me sad. So so sad. I wish there was more I could do...but there's not.

2) Parker Boy
What a character he is now. I mean, this kid is just a nut! His favorite word is No...and it's not that he's defiant...in fact, he just walks around..."no, no no no no no no..." Parker do you love mommy" "NO!", Parker is your diaper stinky? "No." Parker is that your foot? "No" It's super funny when he nods his head and then says no...he also likes to come up to me when I am eating something he looks at me with the sweetest face and says "biiiite." And because I am the loving mommy I am - I give him one! Oh and every time he's pushing something on the floor it's "vooooooooommmmm." He likes to dance some and he loves Sesame Street. He loves books...he makes me read every one he owns.

3) Me
Well, I am doing well. I got to talk to my OB/GYN today about what I face if I get pregnant again ********WE ARE NOT PREGNANT AND WE ARE NOT CURRENTLY TRYING********** As it turns out I will have to see a High Risk Doc. if/when I do get pregnant again. But she would like me to lose several lbs. and get off my anti-depressant. My goal is to kick myself into gear and start exercising and doing portion control..ect. I am considering joining spark people. Please pray for me as I work on this. I want to be healthy if/when I get pregnant again...and even if not. I am overweight.

I got my hair done today. It's so nice to have such lovely hair again. It's colored and cut and smells so good and is so soft. It's been a while since I have had it colored so I treated myself. I went to a beauty college so it was cheap-arific. Took a while because they have to take their time and then an instruct has to ok it...but it was so worth it.

I am obsessed with the Duggar's. Not that I want 19 kids (I don't - I want 2) but I just appreciate their program more, since I have started watching it more. I am reading their book, I made their tater tot casserole (yum) and then I am planning to watch their special about their newest little one. (Their 19th was a preemie). Emotionally, I feel like it will be hard, but good for me to watch. I wish I had a calm soul like Michelle...I mean the woman never yells...me I do everyday - at Parker...ok not yell but talk with a stern voice.

4) Other things
Our church is turning 3 years old this week. Can you believe it. We just started 3 years ago and we already have an average attendance of 100 kids a week and 500 adults. God is so good.

I think that's all I have friends...until the next time I have something interesting to say...

Lord Help Me - I have a terrible pre-2

Please someone tell me that my precious little preemie boy with the cutest face, beautiful blue eyes, and a head of blonde hair is not a toddler, isn't becoming a terrible pre-two and won't become a delinquent down the road. Ok, so I know he won't become a delinquent, but I tell you what, his attitude recently has been REALLY bad recently. He's at this point where if he doesn't get his way - he whines, if mommy doesn't feed him fast - he whines, if mommy doesn't get him out of bed when he's done sleeping fast enough - he whines, if mommy says "Stop, no, please don't..." he whines! I mean the whining is incredible recently.

Oh and the tantrums. I mean REALLY? You've got to be kidding me. Today for example I was pulling his lunch together (a lunchable - takes like 30 secs at most to do). I close the gate to the kitchen and sat there on the floor and cried the most FAKE cry I have ever heard. And he did it up until I opened the gate...and boom, he's happy. I know the difference between a normal cry and the "I hate the world" cry.

I am so over this already and he isn't even TWO. I mean it's crazy. It makes me REALLY want my little baby back. I really miss having a little baby in the house...it almost makes me ready for another one...

So if you could pray for me and this stage of life, I'd greatly appreciate that.

Asthma and Sitters

Dear Asthma - YOU VACUUM (get it vacuum's suck?) and I STRONGLY DISLIKE YOU! YOU MAKE MY LIFE DIFFICULT and STRESS ME OUT. And I don't even have you!

Since Parker's ER visit on Dec. 21st I am finally starting to see his triggers, namely, this cold weather. He'd been fine, hadn't need any treatments and had been breathing fine since we saw his doctor on Christmas Eve. Then Sunday, boom, it hit. Don't think I didn't try to stop it...I mean, I bundled him up a lot: huge puffy coat (that might weigh more than him), gloves, hat, layers...but no, by the time he woke up from his nap at 4 that afternoon...he needed a treatment. Then he needed another before bed. And I went to bed super frustrated and bitter about the whole thing.

I am trying to learn Park's triggers...and it seems that the cold air outside is one. Which makes sense if you consider he started out with lung issues and the cold air can cause his lungs to be agitated and tighten. So thanks to this realization, I probably won't take him out much at all. At least not until the weather is warmer. He's always been fine when it's in the high 30's and higher, so until we see those days with little wind, we will stay in as much as possible. Don't get me wrong, obviously I will have to take him out at least on Sunday, but I am going to try to do my best to keep the cold air away from him...blanket anyone?

Which leads me to my next predicament. A sitter. I am not going to trust just anyone with my Park, sorry, I can't afford too. Which is making finding a sitter hard. I have plenty of friends who could watch him every now and then, but I would have to take him to them and I'd like to avoid that. I really would need someone that I could call up on a moments notice and be like, "Hey, need to do some grocery shopping, can you come play with Parker?" i don't know whether it would be good to post a craigslist ad for one or not. I feel like an employer, I want references and I want them to be CPR and First Aid certified. I want them to have experience and feel comfortable with a child who likely has asthma and who is my everything. Is this too much to ask? I don't want to sound harsh though... or no one will be interested. So what do you think, should I put up an ad and make sure that those interested know that I am going to be a bit picky in whom I choose.

Also, what's a good rate for a sitter? I haven't a clue on how much I should pay them. It's only going to be a few days a month and 2-3 hours those days. I hate this. I wish it were easier.

Advice would be appreciated on this...I have no clue how to handle finding a sitter and figuring pay and knowing what to ask those who are interested....

Out with the Old, In with the New

First of all, HAPPY 2010* everyone. I hope that your Christmas and New Years were good ones. Ours was fantastic! Lots of family, fun, food and rest.

*(That's twenty ten, none of this two thousand ten junk!)

2009 wasn't a half bad year for us. Sure we had our share of ups and downs, but considering we started the new year with a tiny little man and now we have a precious little toddler and we are happy, that's all that matters. I saw my son turn 1, have two seperate ER visits, be (mostly) diagnosed with asthma, be diagnosed with allergies, start walking, and now he's a jabbering fool who can actually use a fork and likes to throw his plate on the floor. Not too shabby. Parker's a true toddler now and growing physically and mentally each day. Our saw my marriage have a bit of a bump, but now it's stronger than ever. I saw my husband get another raise and watched him grow. And I saw myself grow tremendously, get a job I adore, a car I love and new friends to last a lifetime. All in all, 2009 wasn't too bad.

BUT OUT WITH THE OLD....

AND IN WITH THE NEW....

2010....day 2 of this year and already it's been pretty darn good. My step - sister had my nephew Dalton yesterday (1-1-10) at 9:13 am (he was the first baby born in that hospital in the new year. He's currently in the NICU for some lung issues, but is doing well. He was 7lbs, 6ozs and 19 inches long. He's a cute little man! I got to see many of my friends happy when the Bucks made dinner out of the Ducks in the Rose Bowl! And today, I got to enjoy a quiet afternoon with my two men and I get to go on a date tonight to see Avatar in 3D - so that should be fun. Oh and I get Chipotle for dinner. Some of you may not be thrilled, but I am!

I am looking forward to 20-10. I am not sure what all is in store and I am sure God has some plans that I may not enjoy, but nevertheless, I am excited. My baby boy, born at only 29 weeks, will turn two in May. He's car seat will FINALLY be flipped probably in the next few days. I will celebrate my 5 year wedding anniversary on Aug. 6 with a trip to either Chi-town or NYC. I will get to see my youngest brother, Brandon graduate from high school in June. And who knows what else really. I do look forward to it.

Oh did I also mention that the first meal I made in 20-10 was a delicious slow cooker full of ham and bean soup? Without a recipe? Yah, I am that good! We had a ton of left over ham from Christmas and I wanted to use it up and do something different. I happened to have some dry navy beans so I thought...hmmmm....let's try. It was easy peasy lemon squeezy! Want me to share what I did? Well fine, you twisted my arm...yeesh.

Ham N Bean Soup A'la Deni:

1.5 cups dry Navy Beans
Ham (I would say I had probably about 1.5 - 2 cups once I chopped it up)
1/2 an onion, sliced,
1 piece of celery chopped
6 cups of water
1.5 bullion cube (beef)

****The Dry beans need prepped first. I just did mine by soaking over night in a big bowl with 5 cups of water. I leave it on the counter and vent the lid a bit.****

I mixed all the ingredients in the slow cooker, added some spices, rosemary and thyme and pepper and cooked on low for 6 hours.

That's it folks. I mean, obviously their is the prep and all, but that's it. The beans cook great in the sc** and it ends up being yummy. I started out with 4 cups of water, but once the beans expanded I added two more. It made the soup not to thin and not too thick.

**slow cooker

Well that's my first recipe of 20-10. Let's write that one down in the record books! :)

I'll update again soon!

Just Breathe

Well, as promised I am back after the craziness of Christmas to update you on how things are. I decided to entitle this, "Just Breathe" for several reasons, but mostly because I need to be and just breathe. It's been a VERY busy month and it was topped off with an amazing program at Vista where we saw over 2,000 people come over three performances to hear the story of Hope! It was truly amazing. I cried some because of just how powerful it felt just being in the choir on stage. There was a very special testimony that I would love for you to watch. It's from Billy and Amy and it's just moving! It's the story of Hope. And it's beautiful.

We had several friend and family come into town to see the program and enjoyed spending time with all of them!

The Monday before Christmas I had to take Parker to the ER. He was having breathing issues and his albuterol was not at all helping. It was scary, but he's ok now. He does have asthma and so we will be learning more about how to deal with that. I won't lie, I am not happy about it, but I am thankful that it is nothing more serious.

Drew's parents came out for Christmas and we enjoyed having them around. I enjoyed them taking care of Parker for me. Christmas was great, we all got some wonderful presents. Some of my favs include: my Colts Snuggie! (Go Blue!), a hand made scarf, a scarf Drew got me at Forever 21 (it's so pretty), and a picture frame that says meow and has a picture of my kitty. I miss her :(

Parker got some great gifts...and enjoys all of them! Also, please be praying for Tabatha and Logan, he's been super sick and they are currently at the ER. I wish I knew how to help her.

So I think I am going to go and just breathe and be. If I don't say it before Friday - Happy New Year. I hope you have a blessed 2010

Hello Strangers...

Well, I have totally stunk at updating this thing recently and I greatly apologize. I can honestly say things have been super busy and this took a back seat for a while. However, I need this blog and I am planning to REALLY try to update it better. How many times recently have I said that? I am serious though. I also know that some of you may be reading this because my wonderful in-laws added in our blog address for Parker updates. And I would hate for you to not get any!

Speaking of which - Parker is doing wonderful. His vocabulary has grown a lot recently. We are currently seeing him use these words frequently:
- Mama (or meme)
- Dada
- Uh-oh (comes out more like ohhhhh)
- Yah
- Oh yah
- No (thankfully, he doesn't say this often, he does nod his head)
- Cookie (more like ook) (like hook without the h)
- Hot Dog (haha, this is his newest - gog - like dog with a g)
- Elmo (ok so this one is more like ehmo)
- Hoo, Hoo

Not to shabby! I am sure this ST* will be impressed considering last time she was here we didn't even get half of that! He walks and climbs on everything. He's hysterical really...and a pain at times. He's been in this mood of testing recently. Like for example, let's see what mommy does when I try to eat my night light. (Not the best night and no worries he didn't hurt himself and it's now where he cant reach it). Parker can successfully go up and down stairs, though we keep the stairway closed off to him unless we are actually going down them to get out of our apartment. He is quite the eater and we are working on using sippys. He uses the kind with straws, but the therapist would prefer we use the other kind.

In general, we are all ok. Very very busy this month (hence the lack of updates). The first week of dec. was crazy, we had something going on every day. Last week, not too bad, this week - two christmas parties, and then our Christmas church concert Fri - Sun. And we have guests Friday, Sat. and sunday! Oh yah, fun times! And then next week the in-laws get here for Christmas. I am so excited. I love spending time with them.

I may not update the rest of the week, hopefully you can understand that it's just that time of year. Please be praying for me, I am so burnt out. I am drained emotionally, physically, spiritually and really need next week. Pray for Hope:The Invitation my church christmas program! I can't wait and I want it to touch people! Pray for safe travels for my dad and stepmom (they are coming sat), for our friend Dave (coming Friday) and for Brandee and Rick (coming sat) and for safe travels for my in-laws.

I hope you all enjoy your Christmas! Sorry I won't be around much! I will try maybe one more update between now and next wed.

Hugs

Journal Journey Wednesday (pt.2 & 3)

***Just so everyone knows, this one will be a bit longer since last week I totally had a brain fart and didn't post! Enjoy - though if you don't read it all - I understand!***

June 14, 2008

"There are days I miss being pregnant. It kind of hurts to know that I'll never have that big belly, the inside out belly button, labor pains, or a vaginal birth experience. I think I really need to mourn this reality - so I can move on and focus primarily on Parker. I need to go home and pack up my maternity clothes - it's hard to walk in my closet and see them hanging there. I also am gonna get rid of my pregnancy books, just seeing them makes me sad."

June 15, 2008

"Happy Daddy's Day!!! Great news, Parker is off CPAP! His numbers are staying up great right now. He has had a couple of brady's but bounces back quickly"

June 16, 2008

"Went to church last night and boy am I glad! I really needed it. I didn't feel bombarded with people or questions, though I talked to so many! I enjoyed the message too! It was about outreach, which is weighing on my heart. Being here in the NICU I feel that I have a lot of opportunity to reach out to others, but I just don't know how to approach them."

June 17, 2008

"Today has been an incredibly hard day...I am so ticked right now - I am pretty sure that I have the worlds worst nurse. She is very unpersonable and has been short with us all morning. It doesn't help because today has started out totally cruddy. I got a call from Dr. W. at 7:30 this morning. Parker had had a rough night. They put him on oxygen and took an xray of his chest and belly. This showed something in his bowel, which could be a possible infection. They have suspended his feeds until they find out what's going on. They even drew blood and put him back on an IV...

(Later that day)
"At this point they don't think it's an infection, but they are waiting on cultures, which will take a couple of days. He will be staying on his nasal cannula. I was reading Marla's book just now and came across this quote:'Our little ones are resilient and forgiving. Our God is a God of grace. These experiences keep us humble and remind us of our need for a Savior. And those angels are always on duty.' Oh how I needed that today."

(Even later that day...)
"This whole thing is frustrating me. I mean besides my growing PPD; I am watching my child struggle. It feels like he takes 4 steps forward and 15 steps back. i feel like we are gonna be in this NICU FOREVER. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I feel my hope just slowly fading away. I see no light at the end of the tunnel. I am doing my best to fully rely on God and trust that He is handling this situation. I really just want to scream out to God. Or maybe even scream at Him. Is it even ok that I am angry? Because I am so angry. I truly do not understand why I am finding myself in this situation. I feel like I am being punished or something. But, yet, I know deep down I am not. The hardest thing is to meet other children and see them thriving when Parker is having all these issues. I keep playing the comparison game. I look over at L and think 'well he's been off Cpap for a couple weeks and is doing well. Parker not so much.' But Parker is not L, nor is he B or anyone else, he's Parker. This is how Parker is, this is his life and his set of challenges - this is what will make him stronger and make him who he is as Parker. It doesn't make it any easier to watch him struggle though..."



It kind almost cracks me up to read these now. Mostly because of my horrible grammar and punctuation. I can look back now at this set of entries and clearly see what God was doing. He grew my so much during that time. I have since learned to lean on Him and trust Him and His will. That hard day I was having on June 17th just shows this to me. At the time, I didn't think I could make it through. I was angry with the rude nurse, scared for Parker, depressed, angry with God, wanting to scream....and now I look at it and clearly see God's leading and His lessons. I won't lie, there are a lot of times now that I struggle to trust, but I have grown to know that that's all I can do at times. And I see what this trusting can do. I trusted God with Parker's allergy tests and they came back mostly great!

God is good and he has a plan for Parker...who knew? - Oh He did!

A Word From Our Sponsors...

Ok, so make it a word from the writer of this here blog. I will do my special post here in just a moment but first I need to pretty much let it out and beg you all for prayers.

If you follow my on facebook then most of you know the current state of my mind and the situation with Parker. If you don't then here is a basic run down.

Parker is ill - some tummy bug virus thing that has made him poo like there's no tomorrow and not eat a darn thing. He has thankfully been drinking like a champ so he is super hydrated. I took him to the doctor yesterday because I had been changing at least 10 diapers a day due to his body just simply cleaning out. The doctor was thrilled that he had not had a fever at all and that it's basically been diarrhea. We have to let it run its course and of course that is just hard in and of itself. Each day Parker is doing better - though he still isn't eating much at all and he's very worn out, which I would be too.

This on top of his therapy that he is currently going through, the new formula they have switched him to and the appointment next week for allergy testing is really overwhelming me. I am mentally burnt out, emotionally burnt out and my eyes hurt from crying. I can honestly say that my depressions is back and terrible and I am shutting myself down and off to others.

So if you could take the time to pray Parker heals better and that I can find peace and rest that would be awesome.

65 Minutes in the Hallway

Today is the first of my guest posts and I have asked my husband to share his side of the preemie experience. I hope that you enjoy his part of the story...

When Denise asked me to write about my experience as a NICU dad and father of a preemie, I knew I needed to accept the offer. Parker is probably the single greatest accomplishment in my life so far. For years I have realized that being a dad is among the greatest honors that I can imagine. His birth, though, was one of the most disorienting experiences possible.

9 days prior to Parker's birth, Denise & I had been to the hospital in the middle of the night because she was experiencing difficulty breathing. During that long ordeal, the diagnosis was the severe heartburn that plagues many women during pregnancy. Her OB, though, did follow up and was paying attention to all of the right things in those 9 days until Parker's birth.

Having set that context, when Denise wasn't able to sleep comfortably on May 28, neither of us suspected what was going to be happening in the next few hours. At 3am, having exhausted all of our ideas for making her comfortable, we called the doctor who referred us back to the hospital. When we arrived at 4am, both of us assumed it would be another short stay in the triage section of labor & delivery for a similar ailment.

As things progressed and we learned the seriousness of Denise's condition, that's when I went into "hospital mode". When I was growing up, my brother, Steve have multiple medical complications that led to routine hospitalizations. Being 4 years older than me, I never knew life that wasn't in and out of the hospital. Personally, I've never been admitted to a hospital, but I've spent significant time around them and doctors' offices. That's led to me having pretty strong coping mechanisms and such for that environment that I collectively call "hospital mode".

On the morning of May 29, 2008, all I knew was that I had to go into "hospital mode" in order to be strong and be there for my wife and soon-to-be-born child. I disconnected myself emotionally from what was happening and was simply "there" for Denise. During the hour or so we had between the decision for the emergency c-section and her being wheeled back into the surgical suite, I simply stood by her bed and sought to comfort her.

When they took her back to surgery, I was unable to go with her. The process of getting me prepped to be in the operating room was going to take too long, particularly in light of the fact that she would be under general anesthesia and that this was an emergency procedure. I was able to walk alongside as they wheeled her back to the operating suite, but had to stop at the big red line on the floor that divides the sterile from open environments. At the big red line, I was introduced to my companion for the next 65 minutes, the bench.

Just outside the recovery section of the labor & delivery surgical suite, there is a bench in the hallway. That was where I spent the approximately 65 minutes between when Denise was wheeled into surgery and when she was taken to the ICU. In those 65 minutes, I sat numbly texting furiously to keep myself occupied. The staff at the hospital was so gracious to me. They checked on me, they offered me snacks, and they updated me on my family. I cannot thank them enough.

Those 65 minutes are the longest of my life. When it comes to my family, I am a doer. I do things. I don't sit by. I have this compulsion to fix things and to be active. For those 65 minutes, sitting alone in the hallway on a bench, I could do nothing.

Finding out that I had a son, meeting him as he was transported to the NICU, walking with Denise as she was transported to the ICU - these are all memories that I take with me from that hallway.

After those 65 minutes in the hallway, I wasn't just a husband, I was a dad too. In the 525 days since then, I have grown, I have spent 69 days watching my son fight and grow in the NICU. I have seen him become a toddler. I have walked in the March for Babies. I have done many things since that time, but it to me is the center of my experience as the dad of a preemie.

Writing about this has been a good step for me. Honestly, I am still working through the emotional side of things from those 65 minutes in the hallway. Much of me is still in "hospital mode" when it comes to that experience. Being the parent of a preemie doesn't stop at a given time, it is an experience that shapes the rest of your life.

If my story has helped you understand prematurity a bit more or even piqued your interest in the topic, please visit www.marchofdimes.com to learn about the reality and see how you can become involved in the work surrounding prematurity.