Thursday, April 1, 2010

The Baby # 2 Issue

I need prayer because I am just going batty right now. I am feeling this overwhelming pressure to have another child and I am going to tell you this - as much as I want one, the thought of being pregnant again makes when want to throw up and I start to kind of hyperventilate.

Can you blame me? Considering how my last pregnancy went?

No one is putting this pressure on me except for "myself." And even then, I am pretty sure it's satan's way of getting me where it hurts. I love my friends, all of them, and most have 2 or more kids (or are on their way to that, or have just had a brand new one) and so I supposed you could say society is also putting this pressure on me. None of my friends do it, they know better and they know that it's a touchy subject. I adore them and one of my closest friends even knows the name I would want if I had another one...but I just don't know.

If I could go into a pregnancy knowing 100% that everything would be A-ok and I'd have a "normal" one, I'd jump on that bandwagon, but the truth is, I haven't a CLUE what to expect. I could have a perfect pregnancy or I could have one like Parker's - I just don't know right now. I talked to my OB/GYN when I was there in Jan. and she and I both agreed that I would need to see a high risk doctor first and go from there. Ideally, we'd MAYBE start trying again later this year. However, there are so many things holding me back.

Even now as I type this I am crying...because the overwhelming reality of what I have been through is hitting me, yet again. I can say that God has changed me through all of this, but it doesn't mean I am not scare, worried, terrified, "damaged" by it all. I don't know if other people in my situation ever feel this way - I would assume so. I just still have a lot more healing emotionally to do from his birth.

Not to mention, I'd really like to lose more weight and get healthier before I go getting pregnant again. It would lower my risks of some of the issues I did have - and I am trying to do that. Believe me I am.

Then there's Parker - I want to focus on him and his development. I can't imagine having another preemie, Parker still needing therapy and having to balance all of that.

Besides, right now, I am enjoying being a mom to 1. He's so worth it and I love spending our one on one time...I am not sure I would want that to just go away.

Don't get me wrong, I do want another child. I have always wanted two - a boy and a girl. And to be honest I never wanted them close together anyway. I am the oldest in my family, my brother Phil (next oldest) and I are 3 yrs apart and he and Steph are 4 years apart and she and Brandon are 3 years apart and I like that. I think that's what I want with my kids. I am just in no rush. I also want to adopt, maybe Drew and I will end up pursuing that rather than having one of our own - I don't know.

All I know is that when I feel like I do right now, I turn to blogging and getting it out and more than that - I turn to God, I pray that He give me a peace and just let his will be done. I don't know what his plans are and I know that at anytime he could strike my uterus and boom - baby 2 could be concieved...but that's his decision. He knows what my life looks like, I don't. But I trust him.

And for now, I think I will just enjoy this adorable little 22 month old:

And really, how could I not?


Carrie said...

Oh, Denise, I imagine if I had gone through what you have, I would feel much the same way. And having one is such a blessing, I loved the last few months with Zachary when it was just he and I, and I was able to stay home full-time - it was such a blessing. So keep cherishing these times. :) Also, 22 months??? Where did that come from??? I didn't realize he was that close to two!!! :)

Marla Taviano said...

There's no rush, friend. Take your time.