A New Outlook

To say that I have a lot of bitterness built up inside about Parker's birth would be an understatement. For as much as I consider myself "over it" and moved past it, I still harbor a lot of anger that his birth happened the way it did. I know, to you, it seems kind of pathetic that I would harbor these feelings, but I think there may always be a part of me that is a little upset with God "allowing" this. I am human after all and I do hurt and I am not perfect.

However - I am starting to get a whole new outlook about it. Was it easy? Um NO! Was it fun? Ha - right. Would I want it to happen again? Nope But the reality is it could. I am at risk, but a maybe slightly lower risk. But I do have a new outlook - it was a lesson in putting full trust in God that I will never forget. I had to let go and let God control the situation. There was simply nothing more that I could do. I had to let go and trust that God would be with those doctors as they took my son out of me and whisked him to the NICU. I had to let go and trust God to give the appropriate knowledge to the Neonatologist, doctors and nurses that worked on Parker and took care of him in the NICU. It wasn't easy. Especially once I was able to see him. I wanted to wrap him up in my arms and hold him forever...be his protector, his doctor, his nurse, his everything, but I couldn't. Besides the fact that I don't have the degree or the knowledge needed, I had to heal myself.

There's been this empty time in my head since Parker's birth. I can remember VERY clearly up to when they gave me the anesthesia. I remember very clearly that last things I heard before I feel into a deep sleep - "I will be here with you the whole time." A nurse named Mary said as she held my hand and I drifted to sleep. I remember hearing voices while in the ICU, but I don't really remember seeing people until my in-laws go there later Thursday evening. There's a few hours that I will probably never know about. The one thing I always wanted to know was what happened during my c-section. Did Parker come out crying, limp, ect? What would it have been like had I not been under general anesthesia? I do know Parker came out crying and kicking - a ton. My OB/GYN has answered that one. He was a little fighter from the get-go. But what about the rest of those unanswered questions? I don't think I will ever know 100% what it was like in the operating room. Drew wasn't in there so he can't answer that for me...but I did have a small glimpse.

On Jan 31, there was a special on TLC. It was called "Special Duggar Delivery" and it was about the birth of their 19th child, miss Josie Brooklyn. She came at 26 weeks and was a 1lb 6oz miracle. You may not like them or agree with their lifestyle, I don't always agree with their views, but for me, to start a total healing process I had to watch this episode. I DVRd it and waited until I had the time to watch it, no interruptions, me allowing myself to feel and watch. I ended up not sleeping well that night and woke up at 2am. I decided to watch it...mostly because I couldn't sleep because I wanted to watch it so bad. I sat and watched it. And let me tell you, it wasn't easy. They showed Michelle's C-section and you know what...it really helped me. I put myself on that operating table and it helped me see kind of what happened during Parker's birth. To see how fast it went, how quickly they got Josie out, how fast they got her to the NICU - I knew in my heart, that's what they did with Parker. And I am thankful for that.

My outlook is changing about this. I will never be thrilled that it happened - who would? But I can learn to look at it now in a positive frame of mind. It strengthened my walk with God, it gave me the most beautiful miracle child, it brought people into my life that I may not have known otherwise, it showed me how a church can love it's members, it showed me that I am way stronger than I give myself credit for. I have been blessed with being able to get to know other preemie parents and helping in their journey. I have learned to really cry out to God. Sure, there are still some negative feelings towards it and to be honest, for as much as I want another child, I am TERRIFIED of this repeating itself. But I know, that God is always here, He will get me through another hard pregnancy if that's what it would be, He knows what's gonna happen in the future, I don't.

I can honestly say, I am thankful that my son was born 11 weeks early. I wouldn't be where I am today if he hadn't been. To look at him now, sitting on the floor, talking to the TV, smiling at me and laughing loudly - it was all worth it. Every single part of this journey has been worth it.

Thank you God for a new outlook!