Out with the Old, In with the New

First of all, HAPPY 2010* everyone. I hope that your Christmas and New Years were good ones. Ours was fantastic! Lots of family, fun, food and rest.

*(That's twenty ten, none of this two thousand ten junk!)

2009 wasn't a half bad year for us. Sure we had our share of ups and downs, but considering we started the new year with a tiny little man and now we have a precious little toddler and we are happy, that's all that matters. I saw my son turn 1, have two seperate ER visits, be (mostly) diagnosed with asthma, be diagnosed with allergies, start walking, and now he's a jabbering fool who can actually use a fork and likes to throw his plate on the floor. Not too shabby. Parker's a true toddler now and growing physically and mentally each day. Our saw my marriage have a bit of a bump, but now it's stronger than ever. I saw my husband get another raise and watched him grow. And I saw myself grow tremendously, get a job I adore, a car I love and new friends to last a lifetime. All in all, 2009 wasn't too bad.

BUT OUT WITH THE OLD....

AND IN WITH THE NEW....

2010....day 2 of this year and already it's been pretty darn good. My step - sister had my nephew Dalton yesterday (1-1-10) at 9:13 am (he was the first baby born in that hospital in the new year. He's currently in the NICU for some lung issues, but is doing well. He was 7lbs, 6ozs and 19 inches long. He's a cute little man! I got to see many of my friends happy when the Bucks made dinner out of the Ducks in the Rose Bowl! And today, I got to enjoy a quiet afternoon with my two men and I get to go on a date tonight to see Avatar in 3D - so that should be fun. Oh and I get Chipotle for dinner. Some of you may not be thrilled, but I am!

I am looking forward to 20-10. I am not sure what all is in store and I am sure God has some plans that I may not enjoy, but nevertheless, I am excited. My baby boy, born at only 29 weeks, will turn two in May. He's car seat will FINALLY be flipped probably in the next few days. I will celebrate my 5 year wedding anniversary on Aug. 6 with a trip to either Chi-town or NYC. I will get to see my youngest brother, Brandon graduate from high school in June. And who knows what else really. I do look forward to it.

Oh did I also mention that the first meal I made in 20-10 was a delicious slow cooker full of ham and bean soup? Without a recipe? Yah, I am that good! We had a ton of left over ham from Christmas and I wanted to use it up and do something different. I happened to have some dry navy beans so I thought...hmmmm....let's try. It was easy peasy lemon squeezy! Want me to share what I did? Well fine, you twisted my arm...yeesh.

Ham N Bean Soup A'la Deni:

1.5 cups dry Navy Beans
Ham (I would say I had probably about 1.5 - 2 cups once I chopped it up)
1/2 an onion, sliced,
1 piece of celery chopped
6 cups of water
1.5 bullion cube (beef)

****The Dry beans need prepped first. I just did mine by soaking over night in a big bowl with 5 cups of water. I leave it on the counter and vent the lid a bit.****

I mixed all the ingredients in the slow cooker, added some spices, rosemary and thyme and pepper and cooked on low for 6 hours.

That's it folks. I mean, obviously their is the prep and all, but that's it. The beans cook great in the sc** and it ends up being yummy. I started out with 4 cups of water, but once the beans expanded I added two more. It made the soup not to thin and not too thick.

**slow cooker

Well that's my first recipe of 20-10. Let's write that one down in the record books! :)

I'll update again soon!

Just Breathe

Well, as promised I am back after the craziness of Christmas to update you on how things are. I decided to entitle this, "Just Breathe" for several reasons, but mostly because I need to be and just breathe. It's been a VERY busy month and it was topped off with an amazing program at Vista where we saw over 2,000 people come over three performances to hear the story of Hope! It was truly amazing. I cried some because of just how powerful it felt just being in the choir on stage. There was a very special testimony that I would love for you to watch. It's from Billy and Amy and it's just moving! It's the story of Hope. And it's beautiful.

We had several friend and family come into town to see the program and enjoyed spending time with all of them!

The Monday before Christmas I had to take Parker to the ER. He was having breathing issues and his albuterol was not at all helping. It was scary, but he's ok now. He does have asthma and so we will be learning more about how to deal with that. I won't lie, I am not happy about it, but I am thankful that it is nothing more serious.

Drew's parents came out for Christmas and we enjoyed having them around. I enjoyed them taking care of Parker for me. Christmas was great, we all got some wonderful presents. Some of my favs include: my Colts Snuggie! (Go Blue!), a hand made scarf, a scarf Drew got me at Forever 21 (it's so pretty), and a picture frame that says meow and has a picture of my kitty. I miss her :(

Parker got some great gifts...and enjoys all of them! Also, please be praying for Tabatha and Logan, he's been super sick and they are currently at the ER. I wish I knew how to help her.

So I think I am going to go and just breathe and be. If I don't say it before Friday - Happy New Year. I hope you have a blessed 2010

Journal Journey Wednesday (pt.2 & 3)

***Just so everyone knows, this one will be a bit longer since last week I totally had a brain fart and didn't post! Enjoy - though if you don't read it all - I understand!***

June 14, 2008

"There are days I miss being pregnant. It kind of hurts to know that I'll never have that big belly, the inside out belly button, labor pains, or a vaginal birth experience. I think I really need to mourn this reality - so I can move on and focus primarily on Parker. I need to go home and pack up my maternity clothes - it's hard to walk in my closet and see them hanging there. I also am gonna get rid of my pregnancy books, just seeing them makes me sad."

June 15, 2008

"Happy Daddy's Day!!! Great news, Parker is off CPAP! His numbers are staying up great right now. He has had a couple of brady's but bounces back quickly"

June 16, 2008

"Went to church last night and boy am I glad! I really needed it. I didn't feel bombarded with people or questions, though I talked to so many! I enjoyed the message too! It was about outreach, which is weighing on my heart. Being here in the NICU I feel that I have a lot of opportunity to reach out to others, but I just don't know how to approach them."

June 17, 2008

"Today has been an incredibly hard day...I am so ticked right now - I am pretty sure that I have the worlds worst nurse. She is very unpersonable and has been short with us all morning. It doesn't help because today has started out totally cruddy. I got a call from Dr. W. at 7:30 this morning. Parker had had a rough night. They put him on oxygen and took an xray of his chest and belly. This showed something in his bowel, which could be a possible infection. They have suspended his feeds until they find out what's going on. They even drew blood and put him back on an IV...

(Later that day)
"At this point they don't think it's an infection, but they are waiting on cultures, which will take a couple of days. He will be staying on his nasal cannula. I was reading Marla's book just now and came across this quote:'Our little ones are resilient and forgiving. Our God is a God of grace. These experiences keep us humble and remind us of our need for a Savior. And those angels are always on duty.' Oh how I needed that today."

(Even later that day...)
"This whole thing is frustrating me. I mean besides my growing PPD; I am watching my child struggle. It feels like he takes 4 steps forward and 15 steps back. i feel like we are gonna be in this NICU FOREVER. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I feel my hope just slowly fading away. I see no light at the end of the tunnel. I am doing my best to fully rely on God and trust that He is handling this situation. I really just want to scream out to God. Or maybe even scream at Him. Is it even ok that I am angry? Because I am so angry. I truly do not understand why I am finding myself in this situation. I feel like I am being punished or something. But, yet, I know deep down I am not. The hardest thing is to meet other children and see them thriving when Parker is having all these issues. I keep playing the comparison game. I look over at L and think 'well he's been off Cpap for a couple weeks and is doing well. Parker not so much.' But Parker is not L, nor is he B or anyone else, he's Parker. This is how Parker is, this is his life and his set of challenges - this is what will make him stronger and make him who he is as Parker. It doesn't make it any easier to watch him struggle though..."



It kind almost cracks me up to read these now. Mostly because of my horrible grammar and punctuation. I can look back now at this set of entries and clearly see what God was doing. He grew my so much during that time. I have since learned to lean on Him and trust Him and His will. That hard day I was having on June 17th just shows this to me. At the time, I didn't think I could make it through. I was angry with the rude nurse, scared for Parker, depressed, angry with God, wanting to scream....and now I look at it and clearly see God's leading and His lessons. I won't lie, there are a lot of times now that I struggle to trust, but I have grown to know that that's all I can do at times. And I see what this trusting can do. I trusted God with Parker's allergy tests and they came back mostly great!

God is good and he has a plan for Parker...who knew? - Oh He did!

Anxiety

Just the word gives me anxiety. My problem is, I am REALLY struggling it right now in regards to some things.

First, Parker! I am anxious about his therapy and that he will never ever talk. I am anxious about his allergies - the more he's started eating, the more I see reactions to wheat, which I know he has a mild allergy too. He basically breaks out anytime he has something wheat related (like his current addiction, cheese toast or oatmeal). It shows up around his mouth and goes away with in a couple hours. He doesn't seemed bothered by it, but I don't want it to get worse. I called his Dr. and we now have an appointment in 2 weeks with one of his associates who happens to be an allergist. To me, that's actually kind of nice, I don't have to have to go to a different place for allergist appointments. Ali - I believe you might know this certain dr...you like him right?

Parker's main therapist M was here today. He did pretty good, she's impressed with what he can do. She worked with him on stacking blocks and 2 step things...he did good! She let us borrow some peg puzzles to work on with him. It's his speech that causes the most anxiety - or stress I guess. I just feel like at times it is so pointless to sit there and have him try to repeat you or you repeat everything he says. Yet, at the same time, I see small improvements here and there!

Second, I scheduled a dr.'s appointment for myself. I hate doctors...seriously, if there was a phobia, I would have it and if there is one, I am sure I would be diagnosed with it. For me to have a consistent dr is a big deal. I have had my ob/gyn for almost 2 years now - that's huge. If she could be my dr for everything, I would do it in a second. But sadly, no such luck. Drew and I have lived here for 4 years and I have yet to have even just a family doctor for us. A lot of that stems from my fear of them. The funny thing is, I haven't always had this fear. In Indiana I had a family doctor I loved - but I can't exactly bribe him to come and be my dr. again and I don't want to move back to Warsaw just for a dr. The last family doctor I had was so mean and rude to me...and I haven't wanted to go one since. She basically "yelled" at me for being overweight. The whole reason I had gone to her was to get help and suggestions to lose weight and she turned it around and made me feel guilty for being heavy. Who does that? I left her that day bawling and never went back and decided that doctors weren't for me. But recently, I have been realizing it would be nice to have a consistent Dr. rather than going to urgent care all the time. So I dived in and asked a special friend about her dr and she talked to me about him and the practice he works for. Both Drew and I have an appointment with a female dr in that practice on Nov. 12. We are getting physicals - what exactly do these include? I think the last time I had a physical was in high school. So if anyone knows what they do, I'd like to know. I am really anxious not knowing. I do know they do a blood draw - which let me tell ya, I am so thrilled for NOT! But what else? I just don't want this dr. to be mean to me. I am scared that I have some horrible serious disease that they will find. The fears are endless.

I have anxiety about some other things too (like dentists....I didn't even like having to be there to pick Drew up when he had his wisdom teeth taken out last year).

I think I worry too much! No, I know I worry too much.

Oh and an update on little man's hands - they are all better. They still are sorta red where the new skin is growing, but he is completely unbandaged and using them fully. He is terrified of the oven now - when I open it he screams and cries. I am glad but sad that it took him burning his hands to get that way.

Hope you like my new look, my friend Heather did it for me! She's awesome!

Welp - there goes our cat

I am so completely frustrated and sad right now, it has been confirmed that Parker is allergic to both cats and dogs.

Which means -

We have to get rid of our cat. Yes, she is going to a good home - my in laws, but it sucks. She was my birthday present the first year of mine and Drew's marriage. (4 years almost now) I know that once she is gone Parker will be much better - but I am really sad. She was my first baby and I really love her and I am an animal lover and we can't have a cat or a dog (hypo-allergenic dogs are only in a case of dander - Parker has allergies to both dander and saliva).

So yah, anyway, back to Parker - he has a serve allergy to dogs and cats - thankfully though it doesn't affect his breathing - but it does flare up his eczema bad - and it could lead to breathing issues. Milk and soy tested negative and wheat is super mild - so we aren't changing anything there at this point.

This just sucks - how do I deal with going to other's houses whom have cats or dogs? Do I just give him claritian or benadryl - darn, why did I not ask Dr. D? And once Geisha moves to her new house in NY, how on earth do I clean this place really well? Ugh

I am so sad. But glad we know...

Pray for us - its going to be a rough couple of weeks.

Because He Loves Me....

I am going to be honest for a moment - I am having a flare up of my PPD. This allergy stuff with Parker/just general lies of satan have really really been getting to me recently. Sunday, we finished up our sermon series on Psalm 23 and we ended with a discussion on God being enough. I am really really good at forgetting this. Our pastor shared a song with us that his wife put in the cd player in the car. What the pastor says just really gets me, it's not even the song - it's both really, but especially what the pastor says.



Right around the 1:25 minute mark is what I am talking about. It really hit home for me. I seem to think that God only loves me if I am perfect or only if I am good. I love when it says, "He won't love you any better if you become better..." I mean, I figured, God will only love me 100% when I am 100%. But it doesn't matter...HE LOVES ME BECAUSE HE LOVES ME BECAUSE HE LOVES ME.

I am trying to live that out and remember that daily, but I am not going to lie, it's so hard. satan lies to me, he plays on my negative frailty. He knows when I am at my lowest and makes me feel even lower. Why do I listen to his stupid, pathetic lies. Well because when I am down at my lowest, I believe anything.

See, I thought that my PPD had gone away. I can't even begin to tell you how happy I have been. I even attempted (in June) to wean off my meds. But when I got to my lowest dose, I could not function. I had no engery, no desire to do anything and I neglected poor Parker. I quickly called the dr. and decided that it would be best to stay on. It scares me, to know that I need this pills right now, ya know? But I know that I need it and I am working though it. I see now that my PPD is not gone! Yes, I am generally happier and much more normal, but there are things that trigger my intense feelings of sadness.

Recently, as I said above, it has been dealing with Parker's allergy stuff. I am so mad that he may have allergies, because I don't want to deal with having to work around them. How completely selfish is that? I feel like it's the worst thing ever, but I know it's not. It just allergies, he can be on meds, he could grow out of some of them. While at this point we still don't have his results, it doesn't matter, it can be worked around. Also recently, I have been really hard on myself. I hate how I look, I hate my body, I hate my hair...I just hate it all. And I know God loves me how I am - looks and all. I also know that He made me this way for a reason, but I am tired of it. I have desires to be able to shop at Target and fit into clothes that aren't followed by x's. I want to be able to go into the Gap and enjoy the outfits there. I want my hair to not be so thick and annoying.

And then Sunday comes around and pastor shares the cd of the above video. Wow, I mean talk about a reminder. Monday night I have a melt down about parker's allergies and such and my husband shows me this:



I mean really? It's like God is orchestrating something here. Two songs that really really hit home for me and help me. I get it...

- He loves me because he loves me because he loves me - no matter what.
- He is jealous for me...really, he is jealous for me, lil' ol me! Wow

Thank you God, for loving me - faults, sadness, and all!

1 Parker + 1 Dog = Allergy Tests Galore!

Some of you follow me on facebook, others on twitter, some know me personally and already know this, but I want to share with you our current situation with Parker.

Saturday (Aug. 8) Parker and I went over to my friend Chrissy's new house. She has two precious dogs - Daisy and Darby. Parker was on the floor loving on Darby and she loving on him. They stopped for a brief moment and I noticed that poor Parker was red every spot where he'd been licked. I didn't think much of it, figured, hey, he's never been around dogs really (we have a cat) so it's probably just a small irritation. In fact, Chrissy and I giggled about it! Then, Parker started to itchy really bad - then puff up, and then hives started showing up. I took him to urgent care and it was confirmed that Parker had an allergic reaction to dog saliva.

Today, Parker woke up with a fever (totally unrelated to the allergy issue) and so knowing we needed to follow up anyways and being concerned by the highness of the fever I made a sick appointment. Parker has a virus, should be gone by the end of the week at the latest.

And here's where the fun comes in - Dr. D wants Parker to have allergy tests done. So tomorrow, we are going to a lab and he will get check for allergies to - dog dander and saliva, cat dander and saliva, wheat, soy and milk! We pretty much already know about the dog saliva - which means we can't even have a hypoallergenic dog - those are dander "proof" only). There is the possibility of cat allergies - which could explain his on going eczema. And the food, that's mainly precautionary, but again, it could also explain the eczema.

So I am a bit bummed. I love cats and dogs and now, we may need to get rid of our cat and we won't be able to get a dog. I realize down the road that Parker could very likely outgrow some intolerance to dogs, but still, its a huge bummer. Also, we will probably have to be prepared for asthma testing and such too. Woohoo!

I am taking this hard. Not sure why, just am.

So if you could be praying for Parker and the tests and for me as I come to terms with it, I'd appreciate it!

Thanks