Wordless Wednesday - Easter

Out with the Old, In with the New

First of all, HAPPY 2010* everyone. I hope that your Christmas and New Years were good ones. Ours was fantastic! Lots of family, fun, food and rest.

*(That's twenty ten, none of this two thousand ten junk!)

2009 wasn't a half bad year for us. Sure we had our share of ups and downs, but considering we started the new year with a tiny little man and now we have a precious little toddler and we are happy, that's all that matters. I saw my son turn 1, have two seperate ER visits, be (mostly) diagnosed with asthma, be diagnosed with allergies, start walking, and now he's a jabbering fool who can actually use a fork and likes to throw his plate on the floor. Not too shabby. Parker's a true toddler now and growing physically and mentally each day. Our saw my marriage have a bit of a bump, but now it's stronger than ever. I saw my husband get another raise and watched him grow. And I saw myself grow tremendously, get a job I adore, a car I love and new friends to last a lifetime. All in all, 2009 wasn't too bad.

BUT OUT WITH THE OLD....

AND IN WITH THE NEW....

2010....day 2 of this year and already it's been pretty darn good. My step - sister had my nephew Dalton yesterday (1-1-10) at 9:13 am (he was the first baby born in that hospital in the new year. He's currently in the NICU for some lung issues, but is doing well. He was 7lbs, 6ozs and 19 inches long. He's a cute little man! I got to see many of my friends happy when the Bucks made dinner out of the Ducks in the Rose Bowl! And today, I got to enjoy a quiet afternoon with my two men and I get to go on a date tonight to see Avatar in 3D - so that should be fun. Oh and I get Chipotle for dinner. Some of you may not be thrilled, but I am!

I am looking forward to 20-10. I am not sure what all is in store and I am sure God has some plans that I may not enjoy, but nevertheless, I am excited. My baby boy, born at only 29 weeks, will turn two in May. He's car seat will FINALLY be flipped probably in the next few days. I will celebrate my 5 year wedding anniversary on Aug. 6 with a trip to either Chi-town or NYC. I will get to see my youngest brother, Brandon graduate from high school in June. And who knows what else really. I do look forward to it.

Oh did I also mention that the first meal I made in 20-10 was a delicious slow cooker full of ham and bean soup? Without a recipe? Yah, I am that good! We had a ton of left over ham from Christmas and I wanted to use it up and do something different. I happened to have some dry navy beans so I thought...hmmmm....let's try. It was easy peasy lemon squeezy! Want me to share what I did? Well fine, you twisted my arm...yeesh.

Ham N Bean Soup A'la Deni:

1.5 cups dry Navy Beans
Ham (I would say I had probably about 1.5 - 2 cups once I chopped it up)
1/2 an onion, sliced,
1 piece of celery chopped
6 cups of water
1.5 bullion cube (beef)

****The Dry beans need prepped first. I just did mine by soaking over night in a big bowl with 5 cups of water. I leave it on the counter and vent the lid a bit.****

I mixed all the ingredients in the slow cooker, added some spices, rosemary and thyme and pepper and cooked on low for 6 hours.

That's it folks. I mean, obviously their is the prep and all, but that's it. The beans cook great in the sc** and it ends up being yummy. I started out with 4 cups of water, but once the beans expanded I added two more. It made the soup not to thin and not too thick.

**slow cooker

Well that's my first recipe of 20-10. Let's write that one down in the record books! :)

I'll update again soon!

Just Breathe

Well, as promised I am back after the craziness of Christmas to update you on how things are. I decided to entitle this, "Just Breathe" for several reasons, but mostly because I need to be and just breathe. It's been a VERY busy month and it was topped off with an amazing program at Vista where we saw over 2,000 people come over three performances to hear the story of Hope! It was truly amazing. I cried some because of just how powerful it felt just being in the choir on stage. There was a very special testimony that I would love for you to watch. It's from Billy and Amy and it's just moving! It's the story of Hope. And it's beautiful.

We had several friend and family come into town to see the program and enjoyed spending time with all of them!

The Monday before Christmas I had to take Parker to the ER. He was having breathing issues and his albuterol was not at all helping. It was scary, but he's ok now. He does have asthma and so we will be learning more about how to deal with that. I won't lie, I am not happy about it, but I am thankful that it is nothing more serious.

Drew's parents came out for Christmas and we enjoyed having them around. I enjoyed them taking care of Parker for me. Christmas was great, we all got some wonderful presents. Some of my favs include: my Colts Snuggie! (Go Blue!), a hand made scarf, a scarf Drew got me at Forever 21 (it's so pretty), and a picture frame that says meow and has a picture of my kitty. I miss her :(

Parker got some great gifts...and enjoys all of them! Also, please be praying for Tabatha and Logan, he's been super sick and they are currently at the ER. I wish I knew how to help her.

So I think I am going to go and just breathe and be. If I don't say it before Friday - Happy New Year. I hope you have a blessed 2010

Hello Strangers...

Well, I have totally stunk at updating this thing recently and I greatly apologize. I can honestly say things have been super busy and this took a back seat for a while. However, I need this blog and I am planning to REALLY try to update it better. How many times recently have I said that? I am serious though. I also know that some of you may be reading this because my wonderful in-laws added in our blog address for Parker updates. And I would hate for you to not get any!

Speaking of which - Parker is doing wonderful. His vocabulary has grown a lot recently. We are currently seeing him use these words frequently:
- Mama (or meme)
- Dada
- Uh-oh (comes out more like ohhhhh)
- Yah
- Oh yah
- No (thankfully, he doesn't say this often, he does nod his head)
- Cookie (more like ook) (like hook without the h)
- Hot Dog (haha, this is his newest - gog - like dog with a g)
- Elmo (ok so this one is more like ehmo)
- Hoo, Hoo

Not to shabby! I am sure this ST* will be impressed considering last time she was here we didn't even get half of that! He walks and climbs on everything. He's hysterical really...and a pain at times. He's been in this mood of testing recently. Like for example, let's see what mommy does when I try to eat my night light. (Not the best night and no worries he didn't hurt himself and it's now where he cant reach it). Parker can successfully go up and down stairs, though we keep the stairway closed off to him unless we are actually going down them to get out of our apartment. He is quite the eater and we are working on using sippys. He uses the kind with straws, but the therapist would prefer we use the other kind.

In general, we are all ok. Very very busy this month (hence the lack of updates). The first week of dec. was crazy, we had something going on every day. Last week, not too bad, this week - two christmas parties, and then our Christmas church concert Fri - Sun. And we have guests Friday, Sat. and sunday! Oh yah, fun times! And then next week the in-laws get here for Christmas. I am so excited. I love spending time with them.

I may not update the rest of the week, hopefully you can understand that it's just that time of year. Please be praying for me, I am so burnt out. I am drained emotionally, physically, spiritually and really need next week. Pray for Hope:The Invitation my church christmas program! I can't wait and I want it to touch people! Pray for safe travels for my dad and stepmom (they are coming sat), for our friend Dave (coming Friday) and for Brandee and Rick (coming sat) and for safe travels for my in-laws.

I hope you all enjoy your Christmas! Sorry I won't be around much! I will try maybe one more update between now and next wed.

Hugs

Following the Leader

God's been up to something recently in the Northern household and it is great to see His direction coming to fruition. For a while now Drew and I have been praying, seeking God's wisdom and desiring to host our own life group (some call it small group) but didn't really know anything other than the desire. We've kind of just been waiting on the right time or a clear "Go" to do so. Well, God's been up to something.

See, our church has been multiplying - there are a lot more young families now and there are ones that are desiring more connections with others. It's great to see our church having such a positive affect in the community. Being the administrative assistant for the kids community, I see weekly how our kids community is impacted by the growth of our church and the new families coming in to visit or even join. I do attendance weekly and I add at least one new family a week as a visitor and I see a lot continue to come back - it's awesome. It's a positive thing for me to be able to pour into these families through the Kids Community and now, God is leading Drew and I in another way we can pour into these families.

Through Life Group!

I have been a part of a life group now for almost 2 years (maybe less - it's been at least a year) and I have loved every. single. moment. of the time I have spent with this group of young families. I am BLESSED to call them my friends and am thankful that we were able to be in a group together. Our leaders of our group - the S.1 family, have been amazing to us. They have poured into us and the rest of the families in this group. The entire group and many other people outside of it came along side us when Parker was born. It was then that I knew what it was like to have a family other than my parents. I have a church family who loves me and my family and I am thankful for that. Anyways, back to the group. Our kids our growing up together and will always (I hope anyway) remain close and remain friends.

It's great that young families are multiplying, sadly, though, we haven't had a lot of life groups that have met that age group. Until this time. Our group is happily multiplying (I refuse to say breaking apart - because it's good, not bad!) and we are going to be helping out our friends the S. 2 family (another family that starts with S) in another group! I guess you could say kind of like co-leaders, though are names aren't officially on the sign up sheet, we plan to be be a part of this group and invest very much in the new families that come into it. Some of the families I will know, others, are new at church and I am excited to be able to come along S 2 family and help lead and love on these other families.

God has really been preparing Drew and I for this moment - and while no, we aren't the actual leaders it's great practice and training for one day actually leading our own. Personally, I am not this big public speaker person - I get flustered and forget what I am going to say, use strange words, or forget what word I want to use. But I have been getting better. I feel like my role with the Kids Community has started setting me up for that, as well as other experiences. I want to be the blessing to someone that the S. 1 family and other families in our LG have been to us.

So for those of you reading this from our LG, consider this our official announcement that we are helping to start another LG and we are so excited! We will miss everyone and our weekly get together, but we still plan to be a part of your lives as often as we can! This doesn't mean we can't talk anymore, just means we will see a little less of each other.

I look forward to seeing what God has in store for the new LG and I can't wait to meet new people.

God is so good!

Prayer Requests

Hi Friends,

Don't have a lot to say really. it's been a long few days - and I have a couple of prayer requests to share with you.

First, please pray for our family as we mourn the death of Drew's aunt Sharon. She's been ill for quite some time and passed away yesterday afternoon. Please pray for Gary, her husband and children Mindy and Tommy as well as the rest of the family and friends.

Also, please be in pray for a family in my church. The 16 year old boy was hit by a car on Friday evening and is in serious, but stable condition. He has a head injury and some broken bones. He has a long road to recovery and is obviously in a lot of pain.

Thanks guys! I don't expect that I will post again for awhile as we are heading to Indiana for Sharon's services.

When Life Hands You Lemons...

...make lemonade.

Easier said then done if you ask me!

I have been thinking a lot recently. Thinking be a good thing for me or a bad thing. But recently, it's been a good thing - or at least I would like to believe it has been. I have been thinking a lot about things in my life that have shaped me into who I am today. My life has been far from easy and while I don't remember much from when I was young, I can remember the first moment I realized life is so not fair all the time.

Easter 1998 -
Oh man, I remember this like it was yesterday. i walked into to church that morning to a very somber and sad mood. I was met at the door by one of our elders, who went on to tell me that Pastor Danny has passed away suddenly that morning while preparing to get into costume for our sunrise service. I remember my heart sinking into my chest - Pastor Danny and his wife Marilyn were like another set of parents to me. I had promised Pastor Danny that I would be going to church camp that summer with him and others from church as a jr. counselor. I couldn't understand why this had happened - as far as I knew, he was perfectly healthy and was rather young - but God needed him. I can remember feeling so cheated when he passed away. But looking back I have learned a lot from that experience - I never once took another person for granted. I attempt to live my life to make Danny proud - I want him to be looking down on me saying, "Denise, I am so proud of you!" Of course I want to make family and friends proud too, but for some reason, his approval is so important to me. Also, I got a lot closer to Marilyn after his death. Because I really struggled with it and turned to her a lot to just talk...that closeness would be the reason why I got through so many other hard things in my life.

2000 -
My parents divorced in 2000. I won't go into all the messy details, but lets just say it was an incredibly hard time for my family. My mom made some lousy decisions - which lead to the separation - which lead to my dad becoming very depressed and making the decision to try suicide. When that happened - I went and stayed with Marilyn for a while. I was angry at my mom, scared for my dad and did not want to be at home at all. Marilyn really helped me through that time - she became like a mom to me. I felt like I could only talk to her - my anger towards my mom and the hurt over my dad just was too much to talk to them. Both my parents are remarried now and happy - and I have rebuilt my relationship with my mom - but I can definitely understand what I learned out of this - I will not get divorced. I will not repeat any poor decisions made by either of my parents, I will enjoy my marriage, be open, honest and communicate. I feel like my marriage is as strong as it is because of what I learned from my parents divorce. I also believe it is strong because God is the center of our marriage and church and following Him is a top priority.

Oct. 6 2001 -
Where do I even begin with this one? Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes and my heart just sank in my chest. This was the day that I lost my best friend and to this day, I still hurt about it. *Tay (name changed for certain reasons) did not have the easiest of lives. She moved to Warsaw to live with a family in my church - her foster parents. I don't remember us really hitting it off, though we may have, but I do remember that we did end up with an amazing friendship. This girl was seriously one of my best friends. I could tell her anything, we had so many inside jokes that even today I chuckle at times thinking about how she would respond. She really helped my though my parent's divorce too, she was there for me to talk to and enjoy time with. But then she started dating someone and I got mad, jealous and in my stupid high school mind decided it would be good to pick a fight - STUPID idea. We stopped talking, avoided each other - for well over 6 months. Some how - and I still don't remember how - we started talking again. The summer of 01 before I went to college, we served at church camp as counselors together for 4th grade week and we were mostly back to our old ways. We didn't talk much, college had me busy and her schedule at school was pretty busy as well. I went home on Oct. 5 for a quick overnight trip and has just gotten back to college when a call came from Marilyn (she worked at the college I attended) telling me to call her immediately. I called her and she came to my dorm and met me in the common room to give me the news. Tay had been in a car accident - and had went to be with our Lord. To say I was devastated would be a complete understatement. She was only 17, just started her senior year - it was SO UNFAIR. We had finally gotten our friendship back and she was gone. I miss her, so much, she'd love Parker. Through all of that though, I learned to enjoy my friendships even more. I have never picked a fight again - I'd like to think of Tay as a guardian angel. She is one of two pictures I have on my visor in my car - the other - my miracle boy.

May 29, 2008 -
Well, we all know what happened here.

I guess I share this with you to tell you that I have learned a lot. My faith in God has grown in the past 11 years - and while there are many things I have left out, I can honestly say that I have learned so much and I do my best to live life to the fullest and fully rely on God. Lessons I have learned through just these 4 incidents I shared and many more I haven't, I have done my best to grow out of them.

I feel strong and loved and like I have so much to offer.

So, when life hands you lemons (whatever they are) do your best to grow out of those lemons. Make lemonade - or lemon shake ups. God knows what he's doing, even if we don't get it. It's not really our place to get it, God asks us to trust and have faith and we should do that.

God's good, even in all the hard stuff.

I'm Back :)

Hello Friends,

Thank you so much for your understanding and patience with me as I took some time away from blogging to just be! To be quite honest with you, I took a break for many reasons - 1) I felt the need to focus on my family - 2) I felt completely uninspired and had zero desire to blog - 3) I needed the time to pray about some things...

But I am feeling refreshed, inspired, and ready to be back to blogging. Maybe not daily, but more often and about more things!

And now for some updates!

- Parker is doing so well! He is just a little ball of fun and fire. He is learning more and more and wanting to walk more, but still chickening out at times. He has really started eating more and more food. He will continue to get a bottle of formula until at least october. To be honest, his growth and size is still behind and small. Yes, he is growing, but he isn't really catching up with the curve of an actual 14 month old. He is still learning to walk - he does great when holding on to things...if he could hold on to stuff all the time, he would walk very very well. The problem is when he lets go - he realizes there's nothing there to grab to and automatically falls. It's cute! He loves cartoons and he is a little blabber boy. He says mama and some times dada and random other noises. He has learned to climb on the couch by himself and does it often (it's the getting down that we have problems with). This month, we are working on eating table food better and using a cup. He still thinks a cup is a toy - but I am hoping he will be able to use one by the time we go on vacation in september. Also, yesterday was Parker's first day in the crawlers - walkers class at church. It's weird that he isn't in the nursery anymore! But so exciting that he gets to be with kids his own age!

- I am still planning on going to Cambodia. In fact, that's a lot of what I prayed about. God is leading me there and I feel his hand on it. I know now it's not just my desire, but it is in fact God really doing this in my heart! I am nervous about raising the money to go though. I am working on a sponsor list currently to send out in the next couple of months to start working on raising the funds, even though I wouldn't go until 2010. If you are interested in sponsoring me, leave a comment and I will get back to you for your info.
I am really preparing myself to, I have borrowed a lot of books from the library and a couple of movies. I watched one recently - "The Killing Fields" - wow. I mean just wow! It really helped me to understand what this country has been through. I am sure once I am there and such, it will really hit me.

- Life in general is good. We just resigned our lease - which is exciting considering we've lived here 3 years and in 3 places! It's nice to be staying and not having to relocate again! I am going to be a working woman soon - which is such an answer to prayers. I can't really go into much detail quite yet, but it's a job that doesn't require many hours and it will help bring in a little extra cash. We are also planning on getting a new car. We've had it with our Bonneville and the constant issues. We are putting way to much money into considering how much it's worth (which is like nothing). So starting today, we are going to be looking at new cars - we have a small list of cars we want to look at and test drive. I'm pretty excited because this new car would be mine and I would like something a bit bigger than our PT Cruiser. So pray that we are able to find something that fits us well and our needs. We don't plan to purchase today, but we want to be looking and starting to really weigh our options.

- Some exciting things are coming up soon. This Wed. is the 1 year anniversary of bringing Parker home from the hospital. Thursday is our 4 year anniversary. Next wed is the 1 year "adjusted age" birthday of Parker. So much to celebrate in August! And in September - we go on vacation to Buffalo, NY to see Drew's parents and such. So excited!

Well, I hope you all are well! I am so glad to be back!

Pictures from the Weekend!

At the Zoo with Mommy


Hanging out with grandpa


Hanging with grandma


Saying hi to logan - his nicu buddy


I love his look in this one!


This is cute, with the flag at the parade!


Ready for the parade to start


Parker and Logan with grandparent (no Logan isn't related to us, but might as well be!)


NICU and Birthday Buddies


Feeding the Lorikeets


I love this picture.


***these were taken from his grandparents camera since I have yet to dump mine!

My Weekend Review!

Well hello there. First of all, to all who left me encouragement yesterday, THANK YOU! Stupid satan is like a virus and he made me sick yesterday - but today, I am better. I think I need a little more meds to knock the satan virus, but I feel a ton better. I want to say that I know my friends love me for me and are not my friends out of obligation - and I love them too, so very much! :)

Moving on...

This past weekend was BUSY! Thursday, my in laws got in town and we were able to relax and eat some KFC and just chill!

Friday was busy - we got up and headed to the zoo. It was so fun and cool, which was nice! We took a lot of pictures (all are still on the camera - as I am bad a dumping it!) I even got some fun pictures of the tigers. If you know anything about the Columbus Zoo, you know that the tiger exhibit has a big glass wall so when the tigers walk by, it's like you can touch them. Tigers are so beautiful! Parker liked watching them and touching the goats and watching the geese! We packed a lunch and enjoyed that. I yelled at two kids throwing rocks at a goose - no parents in site, so I said something! I can't stand when parents don't control their kids. Ugh - Parker helped me feed the lorikeets - he loved it!

After the zoo we came home and slept. We were all very very tired! After the nap we headed out to Marcella's up near Polaris. Friday was my mother in laws birthday, so we took her there. I got my gnocchi Bolognese (gnocchi with lamb basically!). After we got some cheesecake at the cheesecake factory, came home and played games. I kicked everyone's booty in Life - oh yah, I started as an artist with 10,000 to my name and 60,000 in loans. I ended with 1.5 million as a doctor. Too bad it's not real life! :) I think my favorite thing was my father in law - he didn't go to college, became an athlete, was beating us all in money, had a mobile home and then had a midlife crisis and lost most his money! Oh Pete, you make me smile :) We watched Red, White and Boom on TV.

Saturday was so much fun. We met Tabatha and Logan down in Hilliard for the Hilliard 4th of July Parade. it was a fun parade. The boys seemed to like it a lot and it was fun to feel like a big family with Tabatha and Logan, because honestly, they may as well be our family! The parade was long and fun and I got to pet a beautiful dog! By the end though, Parker and Logan were tuckered out, so we headed home and rested, Drew and his dad went and saw transformers and mom and I stayed home. I made a flag cake and watched Clean House (I am not addicted to the show!) I made Ham and Cheese Veggie Lasagna and we had fun just staying in that night.

Sunday - oh sunday. I was in charge of Kids Ministry. I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off. Church was good, the whole 20 minutes I was actually in service that is, and I think for the most part, Kid's stuff went well. Both Amber and Cindy (the director and sunday manager) were gone. Being that I used to be heavily involved, I stepped in. It was hard because our normal classrooms were blocked off because of resurfacing, so we ended up scattered around. I had to make some executive decisions and make sure it was all going ok. I certainly am glad I don't do it all the time, but I did my best!

After church, we went out to eat with Mom and Dad and they headed back to Buffalo, we came home and did nothing all day!

Tomorrow - some pictures!

Thank You!

God is so good!

First of all, to anyone who read this and prayed (you know who you are) - THANK YOU!

I know it seems silly, but sometimes I simply need the reminder that I am Parker's mommy for a reason!

God has worked out some of the knots in my soul that were there last night, granted - I still feel pretty lousy, but I know I am not alone, I know I am a good mom (even if Parker just totally cut his arm on the side of our bookcase - builds character right?) I can't protect him 100% of the time. I know that. I also know that I do what he needs me too - even if I doubt myself. It's lies! Satan knows how to get in and just spread icky seeds everywhere.

I realized something today. I have family here in Columbus (and spread out everywhere). No, we aren't blood related, but I do have family here. i love them all! Each one brings something extra to the table and each one holds a special place in my heart. I am so fortunate to have a HUGE extended Christian family. They are amazing, gifted and totally awesome! One of my family members - Crissy, she's like the big sister who's older and wiser than I, she was awesome today. Parker had a meltdown today, very unusual for him, and ended up being in the service with me. I sat with Crissy and her family and when he started acting up, she let me stay in service while she took him in the hallway! it was great to not have to do it myself and get a break for once. Another friend Marla, wrote me the sweetest note, I read it when I got home, tears streaming down my face (even if it was few words!) I just REALLY needed it.

I have to admit, I am very much a word of affirmation person. I don't know if I didn't get enough support and praise growing up, but something that REALLY feeds my soul is getting those words of affirmation/encouragement. Sometimes, all I need is words - it is I think my top Love Language!

I am better today! Much better. My soul is hurting and I am running low on happy, but I am getting there. God is giving me outlets, friends, songs, just really speaking to me right now.

Tomorrow, I am calling my Dr. back about my anti-depressant, as I know I need it right now. I need to seek some counseling too.

Things are looking up -

Moving on to a couple random things.
- I get my iphone tonight! Drew upgraded his, so I get his old one! Oh yah, I am excited.
- Billy Mays died - seriously, is there something in the hollywood water or something?
- Busy week ahead - my in laws will be here Thurs - Sunday. Super fun though.

ok, that's it! Enjoy the rest of your "Rest" day - Sunday!

Doctors, Parties, Work-outs, oh my!

I am being a bad blogger - shame on me for not updating more! However, life has been a little bit busy and hectic and so therefore I haven't had time to sit down and just be and talk. Until now. I am making myself sit down and relax today because I have been on the go for what seems like forever! I need to take today to sit and relax and enjoy some down town with my big 1 year old. Part of that is getting to you an update of the past few days. Obviously you know Parker turned 1 on May 29th, but I didn't get to share with you about his 12 month check up and I certainly did not get to share with you the details of his party. So away we go...

Friday with when Parker turned 1. I think I am still in disbelief that my baby is 1! I sometimes feel like I have to pinch myself to make sure I am not imagining it or even to feel like it's real. (And yes, I did pinch myself that morning. Parker went in for his 1 year check up and it went well. He was 14lbs 15ozs (so I am just saying he was 15lbs.) and he was 27 in. long! Big boy! The doctor said Parker is looking great and doing well. He is allowed to eat pretty much anything now and he will remain on formula until he's 15 months to help get more calories in him. I am actually getting frustrated because he doesn't seem to care for most table food. Which is frustrating especially when the doctor says he needs 3 meals a day plus his bottles. I feel like I am never going to get him to eat "real" food. Don't get my wrong, he loves most baby food...but like, I want him to have eggs or cheese or something like that and he looks at me like I am nuts for offering it to him. I keep thinking, what if he NEVER eats anything but the formula and baby food. He can't have milk yet - not because of allergies, but because for him it is important to get the calories and nutrients from the formula and the milk would take place of that. He can have watered down juice, but not as a substitute for the formula. I am pretty sure this all frustrates me most because if by age 2 he hasn't caught up with his actual age, he will need to see an endocrinologist and possibly get some growth hormones.

Other than his dr. appointment friday was spent decorating cupcakes and pulling together the last of the needs for his party! Parker's party was on saturday and it was elmo world themed. It was a big hit and we had a lot of friends and family there. The kids made a craft (their own dorothy.) and they were allowed to color on the table cloths, which went over great! The kids loved it and I think the adults did too! Parker got a lot of great gifts, which he loves to play with. He did get to try cake but was too busy playing with the frosting and smearing it on his face to actually eat anything. But it was cute none the less. After the party we came home and my family came back with us and hung out for a few hours. We played at least an hours worth of Taboo, which with my family is fun! After they left, I got ready and headed to Buca Di Beppo for mom's night out. So much fun!

Not much has happened between Sat. and today. I did join a stroller fit type group though. It's called Mommies and Munchkins. It was started in Columbus by a woman who just moved here from Indiana. She has started one there too and it was thriving. Slowly but surely this one is growing. It is a lot of fun. You walk and exercise, but you stop and you do things with your kiddos to help them get some exercise too. It's Christ based, so there is a memory verse and rhymes to go along with some of the stretching. The best part about it is that it's free. I loved it, you can go at your own pace. You choose your level of fitness. I pushed myself and I am feeling the pain of that today, but I am so glad that I have found something like this. I have been wanting to get into something like this, but didn't know where to begin! We meet every tues and thursday at various parks in the area.

Not really sure what else to talk about. I guess just pray for the frustrations I am feeling over feeding Parker. And also, pray that he starts sleeping better. For the past few nights at about 12:30 he wakes up SCREAMING and crying. I think it might be because he is getting another tooth, but it's frustrating for mommy and daddy!

Thanks friends.

To Be Honest...

I am having a hard night. My mind is a mess of thoughts and feelings and such and I need to let it out...so well, I am going to vent and be honest...

I feel like a failure - like Parker should not be proud of me. What, Why you ask? Well let me tell you why..

First - I haven't finished my college degree - I am a year away, just a mear 30ish credits away from my Bachelor degree. and to be honest, I don't want the degree anymore. It was a Children's Ministry degree. I don't want to be a children's minister anymore. I still want to work with kids, but I feel like I am most happy when I am writing the curriculum and teaching. Not doing all the other ministerial things that go with it. I am 26 and have yet to be a college graduate. But what kind of degree would I need to do the curriculum and teaching? Heck, I'd even love to work for Group Publishing or something writing Children's Ministry curriculum. I want Parker to be proud of his mama for getting a degree.

Second - My patience is wearing thin recently. Parker has been growing up - not that that is a bad thing, but he really likes to test me now and to be honest, it kills me. He just knows all the buttons to push - I feel like a terrible mom.

Third - I feel like a failure for getting sick the other day and Drew needing to come home. I feel bad he had to leave work. I feel worse that he doesn't have that many sick days and he takes one for me.

Fourth - Just escaped me - wait no, there it is. I am still (almost a year later) feeling guilty and like a failure for having a preemie. I know, I know, it's not my fault and I did the right thing. Sure, you say that, but do you understand how much it hurts me. I will always say that it was the hardest easy decision I have ever made. I mad that my body failed and that I was even forced to make a decision. Sure, I get it, I should be happy and thankful that Parker and I are both alive and well - and I am, but it hurts. I never got that moment where after you've pushed and screamed the baby comes out, goopy, gross and with a pointy head, and they place the baby on you for the first time. (even if they disgust you you love them.) Heck up to going into the operating room, I remember not much else of thursday. There are fuzzy memories of random people coming by and nurses and Drew telling me about Parker. Oh, and that's another thing, Drew didn't even get to be in the room with me because I has general anesthesia. Even he didn't get that daddy moment, where I break his hand but he doesn't care because the goopy baby is the most beautiful thing ever. I let him down, I let myself down, I let my family down and that kills. Even now as I sit here and type this, I believe it was a year ago today or tomorrow that I was in the ER for the first time. It hurts. I am so mad at myself. I feel like i should have done more...maybe I should have lost weight first and then had a baby. I know it doesn't seem like I should be hurting and sad but I am. It hurts me, so much. And I want Parker to know I did everything I could. I did what I felt was right. yet I feel like a failure.

I just want Parker to be proud of me. I want to know what I am supposed to do. I want to Parker to say, "That's my mom, she's smart and pretty and I love her."

Why do I allow myself to feel like this...

My Vacation - in Pictures!

Here are some of the highlight pictures from vacation! Enjoy (tomorrow will be getaway picture day!)

My baby, at cracker barrel - on our way to TN.


Petting a camel, precious!


An Ostrich - funny story - when I was 8 or 9, we were at the Ft. Wayne Zoo in IN. And I got bit by an ostrich, my dad didn't believe me, stuck his finger in and got bit too. This one did not bite me, but it was putting on a show!


Parker with his grandparents!


There as a cool butterfly exhibit at Knoxville Zoo - so fun!



Parker and Grandpa Pete


At Panther Creek State Park - so beautiful.


Bruce, Joy, Parker, Angela, and Pete (great-grandparents and grandparents!)


Parker decided to drive!


Possibly the best part of the trip for me, seeing a black bear out in the wild. This was one of three and the only good shot!



Parker making eyes and flirting with Manju


Parker with his great-grandparents: Joy and Bruce


Our Friends - The Albright's: Steve, Peggy and Manju (love them!)


Parker trying on his hat from his great-grandparents (which we left at their place!)


Getting the traditional shot at the sign!!! (Met a lovely family from Indiana!)

Mother's Day Memories

For a first mother's day, today turned out great and I will have such wonderful memories of today's events.

Today, I got to dedicate my son and his raising to the Lord. I want to raise my son in a Godly home and show him Christ. Today I got to go that with my life group friends (all dedicating a child) and my family visiting.

Today, I got to hold my precious toddler as he slept in my arms! Last time he did that was when he was in the hospital for his "asthma" issues. That was the best mother's day gift ever.

Today, I got to spend Mother's day with not only Drew and Parker, but also my mom and her husband, my in-laws, my grandma, my sister and my brother. (And the best part they all got along.

Today, our friends, Crissy and Brian prayed over us and committed to helping us with Parker and being great friends and helping us with our walk with the Lord.

Today, I got chocolate and flower pots and cards and hugs!

Today, I got a life group picture with all of us (loved it!)

Today, has been one of the best days of my life. I am so thankful that I am a mom and that Parker is my son and that he is special and a miracle and perfect!

Today - Is mother's day!

Dedication, Disappointments and Darn Busy

After a weekend break from my blog, I am back. To be honest, I really had nothing to talk about other than being stressed and tired, but if I am sick of hearing it from myself, I can only imagine how annoyed you all would be! :)

This week is a busy one leading to what I must look forward too - VACATION!!!!!!! I think each day this week I am busy with something. Yesterday, I ran errands -sold some stuff to Once upon a child and then used that money for some summer clothes since I have no capri's that fit. I score two nice pairs and a cute little skirt all for 20 bucks at Clothes Mentor. The skirt was 4 bucks only! YAY! I got to do it without Parker - which was a wonderful break from him! Today, I met my friend Sarah at the zoo and hung out there this morning. It was beautiful 68, breezy, lovely. We enjoyed ourselves. Tomorrow my friend Mandi is coming over and we are doing a photo shoot with Parker! We want to include some pictures with our thank you's from sponsoring us for March of Dimes and I would LOVE to do some in his invites for his birthday! Thursday, I am heading to Jess' house to help her make up the gifts for the dedication on sunday and friday - well I am starting packing for vacation. Saturday, Drew's parents, my mom and step dad get here and then Sunday - mother's day, Parker's dedication...lots of family coming in.

I am really looking forward to Mother's Day this year. One, because this last year as a mom has been hard on me and while no, there shouldn't be a special day for mom's, I plan to revel in it darn it! Plus, what makes it more special is I get to dedicate my son at church. And some of my family will be there and that thrills me. Yet, there is a little disappointment I feel too. While I will have a lot of family, there are some members that just have never said anything to me about it and there is another part that had planned to come, but decided yesterday they weren't going to because of the distance. I guess I should be used to disappointment when it comes to family and things like this. i am more hurt about the people backing out then the ones just not coming. But, I am choosing to remain positive and enjoy having the family I will have and doing something so special for Parker.

Is it bad that I am frustrated that Parker is crawling now? I feel like my baby is gone and now all of the sudden I have a toddler. I want my itty bitty baby back. I am not ready for this. I liked it better when he was smaller. I miss him snuggling with me and just laying in my lap, now he is into everything, making messes, talking, loud. I guess I am disappointed I didn't get a little more time of him as a baby. It almost makes me want to have another baby...but I have every intention of waiting and to be honest, without knowing my risk of HELLP again, part of me is fine with just Parker.

I am going to sign off for now. I hope you all are well. Not sure what my blog will look like for the next couple of weeks...I may be a little bit random in my posts.

Clearing out my head, talking to myself, things like that.

First of all, I am so so excited! Today we went to Babies R Us to find an umbrella stroller for Parker. We don't really need our bigger one anymore and for our vacation in a couple weeks, we want something more compact. So we went in praying we'd find something affordable, durable and decent. We had had one on our registry at one point that was 130 some dollars, but we really wanted to try to keep it under 100 if we could. Well, we did, the stroller we bought ended up being on sale, marked from 139 to 99 and we got 10% off because it was the last one they had! I love it, it's cute and nice and totally perfect for Parker!

I was just reading some of the reviews on it from the Babies R Us site and I am struck that there are some negative ones. One, I find more funny and complain-y then helpful, was a lady saying that she couldn't maneuver it, that the wheels got stuck and she couldn't push it with one hand while holding her child. Maybe hers has some problems, but I pushed Parker around the store in it and I didn't have any issues. Sometimes I wonder about the reviews, ya know? anyway, it's going to be awesome to have something smaller and more compact on our trip!

On to other things:

Speaking of our trip...if May 11 doesn't get here soon, I may go crazy. I just really need to get out of here. Out of this house, this city, this state; away from bills, and laundry, and my cat, and grocery lists and negativity. I need a break so bad. My patience is worn thin, I am about to fall in to a quick sand of anger and frustration and depression. I want to get away, go to Tennessee, meet relatives, take my son to Gatlinburg, hike, get a sun tan, no strike that, knowing me it will be a burn. I am so ready to go, well except that I have like no summer clothes that fit me. Need to find some shorts or something. I have my packing list all ready, I have Parker's stroller, just need to get his new car seat. If May 11 doesn't come soon....oh boy am I in trouble.

I am struggling right now in general. I struggle to enjoy Parker's new found crawling and standing up on things expertise. I thought it was going to be awesome, but I don't know. I think I worry too much. If I didn't worry about every little fall, every little bump or bruise or this stupid H1N1 (which seriously is a dumb name) flu. Why do I worry, I mean really, what's the point in it? I worry about everything, I worry people will judge me and hate me and make fun of me (for what, I don't know!). I worry Parker's little falls will result in a concussion or scrape - a Scrape, big deal right? I worry about Drew, the stress his job is currently causing because of changes that (if you ask me) seem kinda stupid, then again, I am not an Apple employee. I am a worry wart (or as Drew says, I have cancer of the worry!)

I am struggling with my family. I love my family, don't get me wrong, but I really am hurt at times by them. There are certain people in my family that hurt me more than others. Let's just say they are emotionally unavailable. I want to say that I believe they care about me and my family, but at times, I truly wonder. It hurts, to feel like I can't turn to them or that they don't want anything to do with me. In the back of my mind, I know they do care and want to have a relationship, but it's hard to put in the effort when you feel it's all for nothing. I don't know...I just have some deep scars, wounds, seeping boo-boos in this area.

I struggle with my faith and relationship with God. I believe in him 100% - its more about my daily, personal walk with him - or lack there of. I keep telling myself, I am going to start doing daily devotions, read my Bible more, pray, and then I just don't. I am sure if I did have that time, I would feel better. I did decide to get a book from the library, it's called "Ordinary Mom, Extraordinary God" - have any of you read it? It sounds good and maybe it will give me some hope and peace and get me on the write path.

I struggle with personal bubbles. I live in one, I won't lie. (This I think goes back to my fear of rejection and judgement.) I desire so much to put myself out there and get to know other's - especially neighbors. I don't have a play group anymore, which is sad, because it got me out of the house. I want to find something to do. I know one goal of mine is making baby lap time a priority and weekly event. I want to get to know my neighbors here, many have young children and I think it would be nice to be able to just walk over and play. But I am scared too. Most have already existing relationships and I don't want to come in and ruin them.

Sigh....

I just feel heavy and burdened and drained and tired and blah! Very blah! I should go now and work on finishing the lesson for Sunday, especially since Parker is asleep!

Thanks for listening. Sorry I don't have more happy things to post about right now!

Well Hello There!!!

Parker's 1st Easter - and his special outfit!


Hello there friends,

It feels like I haven't written in a while. This weekend I was busy busy with Easter and choir and family and just never had a chance to sit down and share anything with you. And as far as yesterday - my excuse is I slept in till noon and then attempted to clean, relax and get some grocery shopping done. Plus my mind was in off mode so I am not sure I could have pulled together a comprehensive post.

So here is a much deserved update.

I will go back to Thursday - not such a great day for me because I hurt myself - bad. I was putting something in the oven and ended up having the oven door close on my arm. I burnt it bad...Friday it was blistered and icky! Before all this, I met up with some friends at the zoo and spent the afternoon there. It was a blast!

Friday - we took Parker to the doctor for a follow up on his skin irritation. Basically, we just have to continue with the special cortizone cream we have a prescription for. Do that for 3 weeks and it should be completely gone. I will say, his skin looks almost normal after just a weekend of the stuff - so that's positive. While I was there, I had Dr. D look at my burn and he told me how to care for it. I love that he is my son's ped. but will take the time to look at my arm so I don't have to go to a clinic. Friday evening Drew's parents got here and we attempted to go to the good friday service. Parker had a melt down so we ended up leaving early and coming home.

Sat. - I woke up too early for a Sat. and headed to church for a choir run-through. It was a long rehearsal! But it was so worth it. Drew and I worked hard all week to make a slide show to a song called "I Will Rise" and we got to show it for the first time at the rehearsal and everyone loved it. I loved it! I worked hard on it, I basically spent hours staring at pictures to pick out the perfect ones. Drew really just edited it! After rehearsal I came home (the grandparents had watched Mr. P.) and relaxed and then the four of us hopped in the car and headed to Easton to meet Drew for lunch. It was a good time!

Sun - again, woke up WAY to early for a Sunday and headed to church for our last run through before the actual services. It was awesome to see God work. One of our songs was so challenging and even in rehearsal before the service we were struggling with it. But during the service, it came out great and perfect. I was moved several times to tears during the service...mainly because of I Will Rise! The song gives my goosebumps. Pastor Mike delivered a fun and very insipiring sermon.
Both services were good and Parker was so cute in his little outfit (I will post a picture later once I dump the camera). We had Olive Garden for lunch and then came home for a 4 hour nap!

Speaking of Parker - this kid is getting so big! He can scoot backwards and almost crawl. He eats puffs, even though he doesn't have teeth (well just one) and he loves um. He sits in a high chair now, though he tiny compared to them.

I hope you all had a wonderful Easter!

I have a busy week ahead as I pull together the lesson for the Toddler Room on Sunday! I promise some more posts later too!

Happy Stuff

Today, I don't want this blog to be a "Debbie Downer" so today, I am choosing to be positive. It's been to easy, recently, for me to be negative - maybe I get too stressed, I don't know, but I am sick of being negative...today I choose to be positive.

So today, I want to share some happy/thankful thoughts with you.

- I am thankful that RSV season is almost over, I am thankful that Parker was able to receive his synagis shots and I am SUPER thankful for insurance that paid the $3000+ that the shots were! We aren't able to get his last months worth because of our insurance, so we have to basically act as if we just brought him home, no being around sick people, wash hands, yadda, yadda!

- I am thankful for my many many friends! I count myself blessed to have so many people who I can turn to whom I love and love me and my family. I am thankful for the wonderful women I know from church, I am blessed to have a great group that build me up! I am thankful for the new friends I make and the old friends I have and miss terribly at times. I am thankful for my college buddies who know me. I am thankful for you all, you readers out there that I have never met in person and those I have. I am thankful to be able to share my story with you and that you continue to read my blog, even on the hard days!

- I am thankful for my husband. Seriously, the guys is AWESOME! I appreciate how he steps up and helps me and pushes me. I am thankful that he knows me and my heart and soul. I am thankful that he loves God!

- I am thankful for my family. I won't lie, we don't all get along, but I am glad to have such a fun family. Sure, we can let each other down, but I am so glad for them.

- I am thankful that Parker, while born early, is doing SO WELL! We went to an OT appointment yesterday and he is doing great developmentally. He is on track with his adjusted age. There is a little concern with his communication, but the therapist is not at all worried - he makes enough noises and is communicating pretty well! He will babble and talk when he wants to. One thing I have learned with him, is don't push him, he learns on his own! We need to work on his sitting. He doesn't like to sit with his legs bent, which is just because of his muscle tone. He'll get there. He is ALMOST crawling! I am so thankful that Parker is "normal" even if he is small!

Yesterday, after Parker's OT appointment, Drew, P and I went to Riverside to visit the NICU! Surreal doesn't even begin to describe the walk up to the NICU! It feels weird to know that we get to leave with Parker, not visit him there daily. It's been almost a year - which is also insane! We got to see some wonderful nurses! Some who took care of Parker just hours/days after he was born. We got our picture taken so they can share it with others! I am planning on making a special picture present for the NICU as a thank you. They have a wall of different pictures and collages and I want to share our story with others!

I am having a better day today, as is Parker!!! Parker's skin continues to feel like sandpaper, thankfully those the redness is going away! His tooth I think is stuck, it hasn't come out any further - not sure if it just takes time or what. I am not a pro at all at this, so if any of you have any thoughts about teething and it feels like this one tooth is taking forever - please share.

This morning I got together with some of my friends from church for an easter egg dyeing party. It was fun, I love those women and the kids. And I got to meet a new friend - Monica, she is sweet! Parker didn't care much...i tried to let him help me with an egg, he just looked at me like I was nuts!

Tomorrow, Parker and I get to go to the zoo with some other friends. I look forward to it! I feel good getting out of the house and hanging with people. I need to do it more.

Friday is a big day. I have a lot to do before then! We found out Sunday that Drew's parents are coming for Easter! We were thrilled and surprised and hey, it's free babysitting! (Like I would turn that down. Are you reading this Pete and Angela - you get to watch Parker for us Sat. morning!!!) If I know Pete, he's probably jumping up and down in excitement ;) Before they get here though, we are taking Parker to his ped. to follow up on his skin. If nothing else, its more for peace of mind, than anything.

Well, that's all I have for now friends! Hope you all can find the positives today!

Tidbits: Dedications, Prayers, March and Party!!!

I am getting so excited!

- First of all, we are just a few weeks away from the big March of Dimes walk. I am so thrilled. I had planned to order team shirts, but they wouldn't be in by the time I need them, so maybe I will make them myself...but how do I do that? Any thoughts on what I need to make some cute, simple shirts for my team??? There is still time to donate to our team, we are super close to our goal, so please consider donating. Simply click on the button on the right hand side and donate away. Every little bit counts.

- Our church only does child dedications once a year. Honestly, we haven't had a need to do them more, our kids ministry was pretty small, this year though, it's grown. We do them each year on Mother's Day! And this year, on May 10, we will be dedicating Parker in the ceremony. I really look forward to it! I have invited my entire family. My in-laws have planned to come for months now, but I have been very nervous to invite my family. I am not going to lie, I guess I just expect them to say no or something. Anyways, I made their invites today and I am praying that some of them will be able to come. I don't get to see them often, it's hard to plan trips and they are all busy with their own stuff, so they don't get to travel much. I understand, I do, but sometimes it sucks! Anyway, I am nervous that some won't come because it's as church or because it's a 4 hour drive for a small ceremony and then some church preaching afterwards! I am hoping that enough come that maybe I could do Parker's birthday with them here. That would be awesome! Please pray for my family, that they will have the time and ability and desire to come. This dedication is so important to me. I want Parker to grow to know and love the Lord and I want to raise him in a Christian home with lots of love!

- Come to think of it, on the praying part, pray for me. I recently posted about being in a funk, still am, but feeling some what better. I am really dealing with though some mothering issues. I am going through a "I hate that I have a preemie" period. I by no means hate my son, in fact, he keeps me going, but I just struggle sometimes with his challenges and remembering that yes, he's 10 months, but developmentally, he's 7.5. I am scared that because he doesn't babble yet, he will never babble. I just need some peace!

- Mark your calendar friends: May 30th - Parker's 1st Birthday Party!!!! I am going to have it here at the club house at my complex and also plan that we have a fun time at the playground that's beside it. I am thinking of maybe Elmo Party (or just seasame street) and doing a fun scavenger hunt out side at the playground and surrounding area!!!! Not sure though yet, it's just basic thoughts! I am planning to invite my "family" at church; i.e. life group friends and their kids, other's I know who are friends with Parker. Maybe my family can't be here, but at least my church family can be and I love them and I know they love Parker! I may do a some other's too, I am thinking of inviting a couple of Parker's preemie buddies we met at Riverside and a few friends from Cincy. I have a lot to plan and want to do it on the cheap! But I also want to really enjoy my baby's first birthday!!! He's like, awesome and stuff!

Ok, well, I am going to go, Parker and I are meeting daddy at the mall he works at and we are going to get Easter outfits!