To Be Honest...

I am having a hard night. My mind is a mess of thoughts and feelings and such and I need to let it out...so well, I am going to vent and be honest...

I feel like a failure - like Parker should not be proud of me. What, Why you ask? Well let me tell you why..

First - I haven't finished my college degree - I am a year away, just a mear 30ish credits away from my Bachelor degree. and to be honest, I don't want the degree anymore. It was a Children's Ministry degree. I don't want to be a children's minister anymore. I still want to work with kids, but I feel like I am most happy when I am writing the curriculum and teaching. Not doing all the other ministerial things that go with it. I am 26 and have yet to be a college graduate. But what kind of degree would I need to do the curriculum and teaching? Heck, I'd even love to work for Group Publishing or something writing Children's Ministry curriculum. I want Parker to be proud of his mama for getting a degree.

Second - My patience is wearing thin recently. Parker has been growing up - not that that is a bad thing, but he really likes to test me now and to be honest, it kills me. He just knows all the buttons to push - I feel like a terrible mom.

Third - I feel like a failure for getting sick the other day and Drew needing to come home. I feel bad he had to leave work. I feel worse that he doesn't have that many sick days and he takes one for me.

Fourth - Just escaped me - wait no, there it is. I am still (almost a year later) feeling guilty and like a failure for having a preemie. I know, I know, it's not my fault and I did the right thing. Sure, you say that, but do you understand how much it hurts me. I will always say that it was the hardest easy decision I have ever made. I mad that my body failed and that I was even forced to make a decision. Sure, I get it, I should be happy and thankful that Parker and I are both alive and well - and I am, but it hurts. I never got that moment where after you've pushed and screamed the baby comes out, goopy, gross and with a pointy head, and they place the baby on you for the first time. (even if they disgust you you love them.) Heck up to going into the operating room, I remember not much else of thursday. There are fuzzy memories of random people coming by and nurses and Drew telling me about Parker. Oh, and that's another thing, Drew didn't even get to be in the room with me because I has general anesthesia. Even he didn't get that daddy moment, where I break his hand but he doesn't care because the goopy baby is the most beautiful thing ever. I let him down, I let myself down, I let my family down and that kills. Even now as I sit here and type this, I believe it was a year ago today or tomorrow that I was in the ER for the first time. It hurts. I am so mad at myself. I feel like i should have done more...maybe I should have lost weight first and then had a baby. I know it doesn't seem like I should be hurting and sad but I am. It hurts me, so much. And I want Parker to know I did everything I could. I did what I felt was right. yet I feel like a failure.

I just want Parker to be proud of me. I want to know what I am supposed to do. I want to Parker to say, "That's my mom, she's smart and pretty and I love her."

Why do I allow myself to feel like this...

Mommy Guilt - Things I have Learned

Hello Friends,

I hope you all are well on this wonderful hump day wednesday! Things are ok here...I have a really sore knee (I've had knee problems for as long as I can remember) and have been busy, but things are good! I met to type this out yesterday, but got sidetracked with a 9 month old who's learned that rolling is fun! I apologize for making you wait!

Ok, on to mommy guilt - some final thoughts from the book I was reading: "Motherhood, The Guilt That Keeps on Giving." What a great book and I have really enjoyed sharing thoughts with you from this book. I know we all struggle from mommy guilt and I know we can all use some insight as to how to deal with it. Remember, there is true guilt and false guilt and one of the key ways to work through guilt is to identify true vs. fake. I would say most of the time what we feel as mom's is fake guilt. For example, my son has really dry skin and I feel terrible and guilty that I don't rub lotion on him all the time...I feel guilty that he got hurt today when he was napping, he had rolled down to the bottom of his crib and had his arm stuck and twisted in the slats. He was fine, no broken bones, just a scary boy, but I felt bad that I hadn't heard him crying sooner. FALSE GUILT. I have this daily, several times a day and I think through trough the guilt I do have, very rarely is it actual true guilt. True guilt is obvious and false guilt is very vague.

If there is true guilt in the midst of the false guilt, there are ways to work through it. First, you must acknowledge it, then confess it, then ask forgiveness and accept that forgiveness and then finally make amends and work through restoration. Praying is a good place to start, pray for forgiveness and accept that God has forgiven you! One quote I liked in the book states: "Purposely choose to say no to the guilt forgiven when it beckons." I really liked it because I know I tend to dwell and churn and allow this to fester inside (not just with mommy guilt, but with all guilt). I really want to learn and practice this concept more. I think if I allowed myself to truly feel forgiven and accept God's grace, I would be much happier and less worried. Sure, there will be on going consequences of true guilt, but by accepting my forgiveness and the grace extended to me, I think the consequences will be easier to deal with. Truth is, as Ms. Barnhill said, "It's hard to feel forgiven." I will be the first to admit that.

At the end of the book, Ms. Barnhill talks about some heart connectors, 6 things that will help you and your family to grow closer together and live in "Graceland" (and no, I am not talking about Elvis here!) Ways for you especially to heal a heart that may feel burdened with guilt, positive things, things that will help you learn that God extends his grace to you and loves you. Here are the 6 connectors the author mentions!
1) Give a compliment - they go a long way and will not only make those you compliment feel great, but help you feel great too.
2) Reach out and touch - not necessarily go around hugging everyone, mainly, being there for others, loving them, being the shoulder to cry on, the listening ear, the venting bag!
3) Surprise your family with random acts of extravagant love.
4) Don't neglect your network - this is my struggle, I get too worried about bugging people and I don't allow my network of friends to be there. When I am down and out, rather than calling someone to talk to them or ask them to hang out, I sit here and allow myself to be sad and lonely. WRONG...we need to not do that. I shouldn't be afraid to say, "Hey, I am bored today, if you aren't busy, want to go to a park?" I get so afraid of rejection or putting a burden on my network of friends, I don't allow them to love me when I need it.
5) Involve your family in loving outreach.
6) Keep your mind and heart open for gifts of Grace.


So what have I taken from this book? Well, I have learned that I am not guilty for everything....like I would tend to believe. I have learned that we all go through it and we all deal with the shoulda, woulda, coulda's. I have learned that God's forgiveness is for everyone and that he loves us no matter what. I have learned that I need to accept the forgiveness, not dwell on past guilt, move and allow grace to work in my life. I have learned that I am a good mom, I may not always get it right, but I certainly do not do a lot wrong. I have learned that I will feel guilty, but I have learned ways to work through that guilt. I have learned that God is a god of Love, consistence, patience, fairness, mercy, and truth! He wouldn't have entrusted my baby too me if he didn't think I could do it. He knows better!

Does this mean I won't feel guilt, nope - I will continue to feel guilt and probably let it eat bother me, but at least I know ways to move through it. I won't be perfect that moving through it, it will take a while, but I will get there. I will allow God to lead and forgive and extend Grace when needed. I will make mistakes, its inevitable, I am human - I am not perfect!

But, I can do it...and I hope you can too. I plan to purchase this book and have it around when I need a pick me up! I am thinking of attempting to do a giveaway of this book in the future...not 100% sure about it, but I would like to.

I hope that you have learned some stuff too. I have other books I will share wisdom from as I read them! And I am sure mommy guilt will still be a topic on my blog! :)

Ok, the critter is crying, must be lunch time! Have a good one friends!

A Big 'Ol Update

Hello Friends,

I feel like I have not been around much to update this blog. I apologize, things have been a little crazy in my life recently! But I am happy to report that today, I have an update for all of you - and a good one at that!

PARKER

The Critter is doing awesome! He is a little ball of energy that keeps us very busy now-a-days. He is 9 months old now. Just typing that is strange. I can not believe he is just 3 months away from being a year old. It was just about this time last year that I felt my first flutter and now, that little flutter is a beautiful baby boy. He is almost able to sit up on his own now. He does do it, but not for long - maybe a minute or two. He is rolling all over the place, scooting on the floor a little too. He is doing so well! He is such a good boy.

THIS PAST WEEKEND!

This past weekend was a great one - although it has left my insanely tired. My hubby had a 5 day weekend and so we got to enjoy lot of time together. Friday, as you all know, I got my hair chopped off and I do still love it. Yesterday, though I was ready to shave my head, the stupid wind made my hair be more poofy than normal, but I think, even with this hair cut, it looked fine! I did also burn my neck on the curling iron! Ow!

Saturday was a long day. It started with choir practice at 9 am. We are going to be singing some AWESOME songs this Easter! I love them! They are fun and so worthy of goosebumps. I had a hard time making it through practice, just because I was tired and I don't do so well being up early in the morning - and add in having to sing...yah, not a pretty picture!

After practice I headed over to Panera and got myself prepared for a meet up with some fellow bloggers from the area. I tell you what, these ladies where lovely and gave me some amazing insight into blogging and taking it to another level. I was able to meet 5 other blogging moms.
- Ali from Blessed Treehouse was one of them, I know her in real life though, we go to church together, were in a small group together and are good friends. But of course, I have to include her...because well, like the other women, she is incredible!
- Sandy from Organize with Sandy. She can come organize my horribly unorganized home anytime :)
- Lacie from Peanut Butter and Pickle Reviews. She as well as the others helped me learn a lot about making blogging more than just updates.
- Ellen from Thrifty and Chic Mom. She introduced me to the world of couponing - which I intend to start. She also gave me great insight into other things related to blogging as well.
- And finally Christina from A Mommy Story. Another lovely women, who sadly I didn't get a lot of time to know, but the talking we did do, was fun!
It was great to connect with other women who have been doing this longer or have made it a bigger part of their life. I want to learn more and not only have this blog, but another one.

Saturday evening, Drew and I were able to go over to our friend's the B's house and have a fun night of games with them and their kiddos. We were introduced to the world of Sorry Sliders and Uno Flash! Talk about fun! We love this family and are so thankful for their friendship. They are even going to be praying over us when we dedicate Parker at church (May 10, 10:30am if you want to come!)

Sunday, yesterday, was another long day! We went to church, I didn't get to be in the actual service, I was in the nursery, but we started the 40 days before Easter stuff. I heard the sermon was great - I do know the set up was awesome...I will have to post a picture of our stage, but to give you an idea...a cross, a HUGE chain link fence in front of it and "stuff" blocking the way. It looked great! And my stroller, blanket and christmas tree were used. The creative team at our church is AWESOME! After church was a membership meeting which we went to. I think we were techinally already members (we've been with VIsta since day 1) but they were basically putting it in writing now, because have grown so much in two years! It was a good meeting.

After church we dropped Parker off at Mandi's and she watched him while Drew and I went to a movie - "He's just not that into you." Really good movie, really really good!

THE OTHER BLOG

I mentioned this some on Sat. But I am hoping, planning, thinking of, making another blog. I will keep this one of course and it will be my personal one, but I really want to do one where I can reach more people, where I can do giveaways, reviews, ect. Make it more of a specific blog (much like Ellen, which is mostly about saving money...or Lacie's which is all about reviewing). I am hoping to do one that reaches out to others who have a preemie, are going through the NICU experience, are going to go through it, went through it, brought home a preemie, ect. It's on my heart to reach out to parents who went through or who are going through what I went through. There are a lot of us out there and I want to make a place for them to come and feel like they aren't the only ones. That's really all I know. I don't want to be a huge giveaway or review site, though I certainly plan to do a little bit here and there. I just feel so stuck...I don't know how to bring it into fruition. So pray that I can really start to hunker down and figure it out. Also, if you have an idea of a name, let me know, because I am not sure what to name it either. I'd like it to be welcoming to all parents if possible, giving tips that we all can use (much like my recent discussions on mommy guilt!). I had the though of a name like "Small Miracles" but I am not at all set on it and I want the name to reflect that is more than that...I just feel stuck.

Along with this, I am planning to learn more about hosting ad's, affiliate programs, ect. My mind is a hot mess.

MOMMY GUILT ROUND UP!

I finished the book I was reading - "Motherhood, the Guilt that keeps on giving." I learned a lot and am thinking of (eventually) doing a giveaway of the book. Tomorrow, I plan to post on the things I learned and share some insight from the final chapters of the book. I tell you what, I have really learned what real vs. fake guilt looks like (although it can still be hard sometimes to not give into the fake guilt).

Check out the new book I am reading!

IN CLOSING

I want to say that I am so thankful for this blog, a place where I can share and learn and meet new people. It's great to have a community like this. You all are such a blessing to me, seriously! I am thankful for you! VERY VERY thankful! :)

Have a great day!

Would the Real Perfect Person Please Stand Up???

By a show of hands, who here is perfect???

Wait, doth my eyes deceive me? No one raised their hand, not one of you? Oh well good, glad I am not the only person who is not perfect, it really makes me better. *contented sigh of relief*

Does anyone else feel the pressure to be perfect? You too? Oh well good, again, so glad I am not the only one!

Does anyone else sin and make mistakes and deserve forgiveness too? Oh, you do? Well good, does anyone see a trend here?

I ain't Jesus, I never claimed to be, I know I will never be perfect like Him. (Ain't is such a terrible terrible word - my grammar/english stinks sometimes.)

I make a lot of mistakes, I do stupid things, say stupid things...you know, it would be truly helpful if I could just hear what I want to say before I say to make sure it isn't stupid or hurtful. ugh, I hate that about myself, its one of the things I have struggled with my entire life. Seriously, my mouth got me in trouble in high school...stupid mouth. Sometimes I get a little too fired up and opinionated, I know that. I know that my words are hurtful sometimes...and the thing is, when I realize they are, I feel terrible. I do my best to watch what I say, especially now that I have a child. It's important that I am a good example, but sometimes my "evil" "stupid" "no-good" side comes out, especially when I am in a bad mood. I hate that about myself. I have worked so hard to not let that be a part of my life, but like any habit, it's hard to break.

I truly feel terrible about things I have said to anyone or about anyone. My heart breaks to know that I could be so stupid. I look back to high school...and I wish I could go to those I might have hurt with my words or actions and apologize to them...I can't necessarily find everyone. I do know that I am deep down 100% sorry for the stupid things I did in high school. Same with thing I did in college and last week and any other time. I don't know every time, but I know that I am in need of serious forgiveness.

God, please forgive me for my hurtful words and actions I have committed recently and in my life. I know that I was wrong and I know that I will never be able to change anything that may have hurt someone. God, I am not perfect and that is why I so desperately need your grace and forgiveness in my life. I pray that I continue to grow in you and be a great example of your and your love not only for my son, but for those out there that read my blog, know me in real life, ect. God, give me a clean heart, give me a pure heart, help my words reflect your goodness and grace. I know what I have done in my life is wrong...and I want to work on those sins and work on repairing things that I have broken. God I love you, you are so good! Amen!

so here is the truth about me...take it or leave it...

Hi, my name is Denise (or Deni) and I am not perfect, i am a sinner and I am Christian. I have made mistakes, done stupid things, said hurtful things, thought bad thoughts, made poor choices. If you thought you were getting someone perfect and sinless...YOU THOUGHT WRONG. I am doing my best to be a good example and a good Christian, but like anyone else, I sin I have flaws and I will NEVER be perfect. I can only be who I am and be the best me I can be.

Now that I have that out of my system...I am getting my hair chopped off in the morning (Friday morning)....curious to see...well, you'll have to wait! :) I think you may be slightly stunned...it's kind of a drastic change!

Tidbits - Friendship, Guilt, Drama, Fri. 13th stinks!

Another tidbits post - this one, just as random as the last!

- Yesterday was a very hard day for hubby and me. A very close friend of ours has been going through some rough stuff and we have been supporting her the best we can. Well yesterday it all came to a head. She kicked out her hubby and while at her parents her hubby and mom got into it. He decided to draw us into the middle of it and make some STUPID and COMPLETELY unwarranted accusations. (He is convinced my hubby and his wife are together behind his back. I should note that I trust Drew 100%, I know he is faithful and I know that "meanie head" was making these accusations out of anger and hurt. He wants to take the heat of himself and put it on someone else who's done nothing wrong.) I of course was hurt and angry by said accusation and I know, as should everyone else that it's total poo and that the ding dong is just that - a ding dong! (I think it's all be resolved as of right now.) Anyways our friend has decided that she thinks its best that none of us talk right now, as she doesn't want us to get hurt anymore. She won't return calls, emails, texts, nothing and it hurts. We love her dearly and we don't want her to go through all of this alone, but if this is what she feels is best we have to trust that. I prayed hard last night for the situation...and I continue to pray! I trust that God will get us all through this!

- Also yesterday I some how found myself in the middle of another problem. While I can't go into details with this one - I will tell you three key words - drama, anger, pregnancy issues. God knows the situation, so feel free to pray for it! I am concerned for my friend and her pregnancy and the unneeded drama.

- And these two things alone are why I hated Friday the 13th!

- However, I got my prize in the mail I won during the contest carnival I posted about a few weeks ago. It's a really cute keychain made for me, with the colors I wanted by a very talented blogger! I love it - its brown with blue dots! I love love love it! When I got it, it made my Friday the 13th just a little bit better!

- I am still reading through the book, Motherhood: The Guilt That Keeps On Giving and I am working through understand true guilt and false guilt. I would say about 90% of the guilt I feel is false guilt, maybe even more! I've learned that a lot of times with guilt in mommyhood, it's false guilt, it isn't that you did anything wrong but you feel you did. For example - one of the biggest things I feel guilty for is the circumstance surrounding Parker's birth and then stay at the NICU. I feel so guilty about it - but the truth it, I did nothing wrong, in fact I did everything right. So why can't I let go of this guilt? I don't know, but I am working on it. One thing I do feel guilty for that I am actually guilt of is ignoring Parker when he cries at times. Sometimes I simply do not want to deal with it...so I ignore it. Then 2 minutes later - I deal with it. False vs. True guilt - vague vs. obvious. It makes sense. The great thing I was reminded of is that Parker won't remember half the things I feel guilty for. He's not going to remember being poked by several needles, he's not going to remember me accidently biting him when he had his hand near my mouth and I was talking, he's not going to remember me spilling milk all over his face when I forgot to tighten the nipple and cap on the bottle....well unless I write about it and he finds this blog someday...in which case - Parker, I adore and and I am sorry! So what about you, do you know true guilt vs. false guilt? Maybe make a list and see what you realize, you'd be surprised! I am almost done with this book and will be moving on to a new one. Which of course I will share with you!

- Happy Valentines Day!

- Tomorrow my little sister turns 20, wow...I feel old (yah, I am only 26)

- Off to make some grilled cheese and tomato soup...mmmmmmmmmmm!

Writer's Workshop: Losing my mind!

Top Ten Things Swirling in my Head:

1) Where is my W2? I called my former boss in January to make sure she had my new addressed. She faxed payroll and yet no W2...now I get to wait for payroll to call...this stinks.

2) Why are people so mean? I am the follower of an amazing blog that for whatever reason is coming under scrutiny by people. Questioning this family's motives and being REALLY rude in the process.

3) When is this dang cold, snow and ice going to go away? I am SICK of it.

4) When will Parker finally sit up on his own, without some support? He does well for 10 seconds and then falls.

5) When can I get more money to go out and buy a couple of things at the flower factory? I want to get a new thing to hang on our front door...a welcome sign, but I need money first.

6) Weird dreams - I keep having very weird dreams. Tuesday night I had one where I was dating Michael Phelps and attempting to help him break his pot habit...he went psycho and tried to kidnap me while my friends (the seeds) took Parker. And then last night, I had one where I was in cambodia and wanted to go see the orphanage, but I was there for a safari and then some army guy tried to shoot me, but shot himself. It was really weird. I think I need some mental help or something.

7) Mommy Guilt - I am enjoying my book (not the side of my blog!) and I am learning a lot as I do read this book. Yet, I still feel guilty!

8) Toddler Room Stuff - I am developing structure and curriculum for the toddler room at church (and LOVING it) but am struggling with the lesson telling. I was planning to just do it the way I had seen at a Ministry conference workshop, but the more I think about it, the less I like that idea and want to do a puppet. Like a bear - Bobby Bear from the Vista Mountains. Have him help tell each weeks lesson, I think the kids would get a kick out of it and want to listen more. I just have to figure it out and see what my hire-ups think ( ore or less, do they think it would work!) I really like the idea!

9) Pregnancy - I want more kids, I do, but I am terrified of having the same issues I did the last time. At this point, I have zero desire to be pregnant again, but I keep thinking what if I get pregnant even though I am doing everything not to get pregnant. How would I handle that. I seriously don't think I would be happy about it at first. But then again, I shouldn't worry about it at all. Me and my worrying.

10) Valentines Day - Where should Drew and I eat? What should I get him? Why do we celebrate this holiday anyway? And for that matter, why do we celebrate Groundhog's Day? It's not like they have super powers or anything. And when is it Christmas again?

Your Turn, below are the prompts, choose one, or two, or all, writer up your post and head over to Mama Kat's Blog and leave your name under Mr. Linky!

The Prompts:

1.) Tell us about a lie you told that you later regretted.

2.) Choose a task you'd like someone to complete and write a poem asking them to do it.
3.) Describe a talent you have.

4.) Write a list of ten things on your mind this week.


:)

You're Guilty?!

I recently started reading a book called, "Motherhood: The Guilt that Keeps on Giving" by Julie Ann Barnhill. I have been wanting for a while now, to read some books about mommy guilt and motherhood and being a confident mom. When I came across this book at the library, I was pretty excited. Not only was a book on mommy guilt, but the writer is a Christian mother! Woohoo! All I know is I am the GUILT and WORRY queen! And if you are anything like me you probably understand the mommy guilt you go through daily. It's a never ending climb to get from what Ms. Barnhill calls "Mt. Guiltmore" to "Graceland." (no we aren't talking about Elvis' graceland.)

At the beginning of the book, the author asks the reader to write a list of things you are not guilty for. Which, honestly isn't easy...I sat in bed last night thinking of my list....It took me a while to come up with a list...and the list...is pretty miniscule compared to my guilt list. I want to share my non-guilt list with you....

Things I am not guilty for:
- Hugging and kissing Parker as much as I can each day.
- Telling Parker I love him all day, every day.
- Praying for Parker daily!
- Encouraging Parker in his development (on a side note - he rolled over from back to belly yesterday for the first time!)
- Not being scared to call the doctor when I am unsure of something
- Allowing Parker to listen/watch certain shows on tv (Noggin is my friend!)
- Snuggling him
- Being honest about my beliefs as a mom, woman, human
- Attempting to make dinner nightly while Parker plays.
- Giving Parker certain boundaries
- Taking my son to church and leaving him in the nursery
- Loving Drew and taking care of him.
- Letting Parker sleep with a blankie, his Mr. Bear - Webber, having toys in his crib, music playing, lights on if he needs it.
- Making Parker's baby food and making funny faces at him while he eats.

I am sure my list will get longer as I get through this book, but I think this is a pretty good list. Compared to the list of things I feel guilty for (I am going to only do a partial list as if I were to do more....you'd be here all day.)

My guilty list:
- Having him get his vaccines and shots (not because I don't think they are good for him, but because they hurt him and he cries.
- Having him early
- Going through depression
- Going on on dates with Drew
- Holding other babies
- having a drink here or there
- Not bathing him daily (we do it ever other day because of his super dry skin)
- Hiding in the walk in closet when i can't take his crying anymore.
- Not playing with him more
- Not being able to afford more things for him
- Not having his actual bedding set I wanted for him.
- Sometimes wishing he wasn't a preemie.
- Him having acid reflux
- The fact he had to sleep on wedge for the 4 months
- Biting his finger one day when I was pretending to eat his hand
- His eczema
- Wanting to go to Cambodia on a missions trip with my church and leaving him here
- Leaving him in the nursery for the very first time
- Going out with friends and leaving him here with daddy or with a sitter
- WAnting to go on a trip with just some girlfriends - no kids.
- letting him suck his thumb
- Not taking more videos of him
- Feeling guilty for being overweight, not healthy, and not getting off my lazy behind.

You get the point. I really think my guilt started when I first found out I was pregnant. I felt guilty for not knowing right away and continuing to drink Coke like it was going out of style. I felt guilty for all the family illnesses I had to explain to the doctor. I felt guilty that I wasn't prepared. Feeling guilty for working a lot, feeling guilty for wondering if I really could eat lunch meat (subway was my addiction during pregnancy).

Guilt tends to consume my days and a lot of times, that guilt takes over and becomes worry. One example, the first time we took him out...I felt really guilty for it, he got a cough because of it - hence worry took over and I was convinced that doctor was going to take him away for me for taking him out and him getting a cough.

Guilt stresses me out, it burdens me, it bothers me, it can make me sick. I really need to work through this guilt, though I don't plan that it will every really go away, but I would like to get to a full understanding of grace land and God's grace.

So what about you....do you go through guilt as a mom, what would your lists look like?

I plan to write more as I read the book and learn more.