My 2 Year Old

It hardly seems possible but today my miracle baby turns 2. I am not entirely sure where the heck the time went, but I am so thankful to have been his mommy for 2 years. I can still remember well his birth day. The emergent nature of his birth, being wheeled into the operating room, Drew leaving me at the door, people working around me to prep me, the lights, the sounds, the smell. In the corner a small isolette. It all is still so real in my mind.

2 years and here is where my little man is at...He is 20lbs, he is 31 inches tall. He's been following his own growth curve nicely and is healthy - despite being small. The Dr. is happy with his development. He is now caught up with his chronological age in all areas (except for speech - but he's only a very little behind there.) He is my whole world, the center of the attention and the perfect example of a 2 yr. old. Parker is being switched to a toddler bed. He talks, walks, runs, eats, and is a little man. He's a little human. He sure has come a long way from 2lbs 3ozs!

Wow has the time flown. I look forward to year 3 with Parker. I am sure it will be challenging, but I wouldn't want to do it with anyone else.

Parker,
I love you so much my little miracle man. You are the light of my life. I am so blessed to be your mommy. I love you :)

                                           Parker: May 29, 2008, 2lbs 3ozs, 14.5 inches long

Parker - May 29, 2009; 15lbs, 27in. long

Parker: May 29, 2010 - 20lbs, 31inches long

May 2008 Hand Pictures

May 2010 Hand Picture

May 2008 Hand on Back

May 2010 Hand on back

May 2008 With BearBear

May 2010 With Bear Bear

And of course our yearly Trooper picture (sorry it went blurry :()

You have come a long way buddy! I love you :)

The Rewards of Parenting

So I am currently addicted to this new show, Parenthood, on NBC. It follows the Braverman family As they each deal with different aspects of parenthood: The Mom and Dad - dealing with their kids/grandkids, Adam and his wife Kristina who's son was just diagnosed with Asperger's and a daughter who's going through the teen angst, rebellion stage; Sarah who just moved back to the area with her two teen children, living with her parents, trying to start over; Julia and her husband Joel - he's a stay at home dad, she's a lawyer and her daughter and her don't really connect well and Crosby, who just found out he has a 5 yr. old boy.

This last episode, Crosby and Adam have a heart to heart about why parenting is rewarding and what if you don't feel something for your child. I loved it and it made me think about what feels rewarding to me. But first, here's the scene - WARNING - there is one cuss word used.



What makes parenting rewarding to you? To me even?

I came up with just a brief list of what's been rewarding for me...in the past almost 2 years.

- He knows I am his mama! Seems simple, but sometimes I don't allow myself to feel that. I can remember very distinctly one day when I went into the NICU and Parker had had a bad morning - within minutes of me being there and having my hand on his back (even at that tiny 2 lbs stage and just newly born) his numbers improved and his breathing got better. That was one rewarding moment. For all the stress of the couple weeks he was in there at that point, that moment, knowing that MY SON knew me and calmed down - that was rewarding.

- Each new milestone! I think most parents would think this is a rewarding part of being a parent, seeing your child(ren) hit a new milestone. For me, I think it goes deeper. I was so concerned for most of the past two years that Parker would never catch up and be "normal", but man each time he hit a milestone - whether it was walking, talking, eating, ect - the rewarding feeling I felt was unmatchable. Even today, as he sat with his speech therapist and she said he had at least 2 months left, I felt rewarded knowing that though he is "behind" on his speech, he is meeting his goals they set.

- Watching them accomplish something! As a parent, we teach our children how to be good people, do everyday tasks and for me, it's rewarding to see when Parker gets it. Today, he put on his own pair of pants, granted, he had trouble pulling them up and he had put both legs down the same pant leg, but still. I left the room to grab some lotion and came back to find him mostly dressed in his pants. Something that I feel like I have talked to him and shown him at nauseum he is know wanting to do and doing on his own.

I love being a parent, and while there are times it's hard (recently - it has been) the good far outweighs the bad. Sure, Parker has his days of anger and tantrums, and his nights filled with night terrors and little sleep and his disobeys and pushes my buttons, but when it comes right down to it - I AM SO GLAD I AM HIS MOMMY! It's so rewarding, even in the hard times and for that, I am so grateful.

I am blessed! So blessed!

Deni's Buffet 'O Thoughts

Hello Peoples!

So so sorry I haven't updated in a few days. Our laptop has enter through the gates of glory into laptop heaven and while yes, we have a desk top, I've been BUSY and can't really use it when Parker's up because it's in our bedroom and he liked to pull out my undies! (Just sayin!) So hence, no updates to el blog for a while...

But if you like buffets and all it has to offer than you will LOVE this blog today. It's about as random as random gets...actually maybe not. But it offers a little bit of everything, happy news, sad news, a recipe, Parker news, prayer requests, me being all mature and stuff. So sit back, relax and take a load off while we dive in.

1) Parker News

I think we will start off with this, after all, he's the whole reason you come to this thing isn't he? (I don't blame you!) He's doing Ah-maz-ing. Seriously, except for the whole whiney toddler thing this boy is just getting so stinking big! See, here's a couple pictures as proof...





sorry about the quality, our digital is MIA and so I've been using my iphone! P.S. in the bottom one he found an m&m. Anyways, like I said, he's doing great. He got a second hair cut this week, horribly unemotional compared to his first, but boy was it fun. He sat in the chair like a big boy, flirted and did great! He looks so good now and no more rat tail. He also got kicked out of PT this week. Actually they dismissed him, he's just dandy in the physical department. Right on track. Still has 2 months of ST, but we know he could use a little more time there. He's pushing my buttons EVERY chance he gets and I am working on making days more structured. I am terrible at that! He had his first cold since going on his flovent a month ago and never had any breathing issues. I am so excited that I finally understand his asthma enough now! Praise Jesus!

2) Me Stuff

And now on to the boring things...me. Let's see, I am kinda on a diet, I was gun hoe (is that how you say it?) about it and am struggling. I have successfully switched to diet soda and have limited my intake, so that's good. I am trying to eat smaller portions and healthy, but that can be a challenge. Especially right now (mmmmmm girl scout cookies!) Let's see, Oh I went to a seminar yesterday called Joni & Friends - Raise the Roof. If you don't know the story of Joni Ereckson Tata, at the age of 16 she went swimming, dived intp shallow water and broke her neck. She is quadriplegic. She has her organization that works with disabled children in churches as well as the churches so that they can have disability ministry. Our church is growing and we realize that we need to start looking ahead and getting knowledge on disability ministry so that we can help future visitors feel completely comfortable at our church. And so I was asked to go and I gained some AMAZING knowledge on it. I look forward to helping our church grow.

3) Other Stuff

Faith, the little girl I told you about who was just diagnosed with a brain tumor is holding steady. She and her family certainly need prayers as it's super hard to watch your child suffer, but they are doing their best to enjoy her. She now not only has her caring bridge site, but also her own site here: Help Faith. It's still brand new so there isn't much to it yet, but it's a way to stay connected and donate. PLEASE PRAY FOR THEM!

I came across another family a while ago whose 2 year old is suffering from neuroblastoma and really could meet her father in heaven very soon! My heart breaks for this family, but as I read their updates on both their blog and twitter I am amazed at the faith they have and the strength this little 2 year old is showing. PLEASE PRAY FOR THEM!

One more person I'd like to share with you is Dave Plaster. He is a minister here in Columbus at a local church. He just recently fell very ill and has not been able to be diagnosed. He's currently up at a hospital here in Cleveland, but his prognosis looks very grim. Please pray for him and his family. He's quite a loved pastor, though I don't know him, I've heard great things. You can check updates on here at his site here. PLEASE PRAY FOR HIM.

My goal is to share prayer requests outside of my family as much as possible now. While I certainly love that you pray for us and I am sure you will, there are just so many heart wrenching stories out there and if I can shine a light on a few here or there. I want to. I want this blog to not only be about me, but to share my faith and to show you other's you can be loving towards.

4) Num, Num, Num - A Recipe

Finally for you today I have a recipe of something I made this week that's simple and healthy and will yummy.

Penne with Asparagus & Parmesan

1/2 pound penne
1 tbsp Olive Oil
1 garlic clove - thinly sliced
1 (14.5oz) can of diced tomatoes, with their juice
1/2 cup reduced fat chicken broth
1 lb. asparagus, cut on the diagonal in 1 in. peices
1/2 cup coarsely chopped fresh basil
1/4 cup grated parmesan cheese

1) Bring a large pot of water to boil. Cook the penne according to package directions, drain and keep warm in pot.
2) Meanwhile, heat the oil in a large skillet over medium-low heat. Add the garlic, cook just until it begins to turn golden. Add the tomatoes and broth and bring to boil. Reduce the heat and simmer, uncovered, 5 minutes. Add the asparagus, cover and simmer until tender about 5 minutes longer; pour over the penne. Add the basil and Parmesan cheese, to to coat.

Super simple and if you are on weight watchers it's from one of their books and is 6 points. This make 4 servings btw!

I'm done with my buffet, have a great day!

Out with the Old, In with the New

First of all, HAPPY 2010* everyone. I hope that your Christmas and New Years were good ones. Ours was fantastic! Lots of family, fun, food and rest.

*(That's twenty ten, none of this two thousand ten junk!)

2009 wasn't a half bad year for us. Sure we had our share of ups and downs, but considering we started the new year with a tiny little man and now we have a precious little toddler and we are happy, that's all that matters. I saw my son turn 1, have two seperate ER visits, be (mostly) diagnosed with asthma, be diagnosed with allergies, start walking, and now he's a jabbering fool who can actually use a fork and likes to throw his plate on the floor. Not too shabby. Parker's a true toddler now and growing physically and mentally each day. Our saw my marriage have a bit of a bump, but now it's stronger than ever. I saw my husband get another raise and watched him grow. And I saw myself grow tremendously, get a job I adore, a car I love and new friends to last a lifetime. All in all, 2009 wasn't too bad.

BUT OUT WITH THE OLD....

AND IN WITH THE NEW....

2010....day 2 of this year and already it's been pretty darn good. My step - sister had my nephew Dalton yesterday (1-1-10) at 9:13 am (he was the first baby born in that hospital in the new year. He's currently in the NICU for some lung issues, but is doing well. He was 7lbs, 6ozs and 19 inches long. He's a cute little man! I got to see many of my friends happy when the Bucks made dinner out of the Ducks in the Rose Bowl! And today, I got to enjoy a quiet afternoon with my two men and I get to go on a date tonight to see Avatar in 3D - so that should be fun. Oh and I get Chipotle for dinner. Some of you may not be thrilled, but I am!

I am looking forward to 20-10. I am not sure what all is in store and I am sure God has some plans that I may not enjoy, but nevertheless, I am excited. My baby boy, born at only 29 weeks, will turn two in May. He's car seat will FINALLY be flipped probably in the next few days. I will celebrate my 5 year wedding anniversary on Aug. 6 with a trip to either Chi-town or NYC. I will get to see my youngest brother, Brandon graduate from high school in June. And who knows what else really. I do look forward to it.

Oh did I also mention that the first meal I made in 20-10 was a delicious slow cooker full of ham and bean soup? Without a recipe? Yah, I am that good! We had a ton of left over ham from Christmas and I wanted to use it up and do something different. I happened to have some dry navy beans so I thought...hmmmm....let's try. It was easy peasy lemon squeezy! Want me to share what I did? Well fine, you twisted my arm...yeesh.

Ham N Bean Soup A'la Deni:

1.5 cups dry Navy Beans
Ham (I would say I had probably about 1.5 - 2 cups once I chopped it up)
1/2 an onion, sliced,
1 piece of celery chopped
6 cups of water
1.5 bullion cube (beef)

****The Dry beans need prepped first. I just did mine by soaking over night in a big bowl with 5 cups of water. I leave it on the counter and vent the lid a bit.****

I mixed all the ingredients in the slow cooker, added some spices, rosemary and thyme and pepper and cooked on low for 6 hours.

That's it folks. I mean, obviously their is the prep and all, but that's it. The beans cook great in the sc** and it ends up being yummy. I started out with 4 cups of water, but once the beans expanded I added two more. It made the soup not to thin and not too thick.

**slow cooker

Well that's my first recipe of 20-10. Let's write that one down in the record books! :)

I'll update again soon!

Just Breathe

Well, as promised I am back after the craziness of Christmas to update you on how things are. I decided to entitle this, "Just Breathe" for several reasons, but mostly because I need to be and just breathe. It's been a VERY busy month and it was topped off with an amazing program at Vista where we saw over 2,000 people come over three performances to hear the story of Hope! It was truly amazing. I cried some because of just how powerful it felt just being in the choir on stage. There was a very special testimony that I would love for you to watch. It's from Billy and Amy and it's just moving! It's the story of Hope. And it's beautiful.

We had several friend and family come into town to see the program and enjoyed spending time with all of them!

The Monday before Christmas I had to take Parker to the ER. He was having breathing issues and his albuterol was not at all helping. It was scary, but he's ok now. He does have asthma and so we will be learning more about how to deal with that. I won't lie, I am not happy about it, but I am thankful that it is nothing more serious.

Drew's parents came out for Christmas and we enjoyed having them around. I enjoyed them taking care of Parker for me. Christmas was great, we all got some wonderful presents. Some of my favs include: my Colts Snuggie! (Go Blue!), a hand made scarf, a scarf Drew got me at Forever 21 (it's so pretty), and a picture frame that says meow and has a picture of my kitty. I miss her :(

Parker got some great gifts...and enjoys all of them! Also, please be praying for Tabatha and Logan, he's been super sick and they are currently at the ER. I wish I knew how to help her.

So I think I am going to go and just breathe and be. If I don't say it before Friday - Happy New Year. I hope you have a blessed 2010

Journal Journey Wednesday (pt.2 & 3)

***Just so everyone knows, this one will be a bit longer since last week I totally had a brain fart and didn't post! Enjoy - though if you don't read it all - I understand!***

June 14, 2008

"There are days I miss being pregnant. It kind of hurts to know that I'll never have that big belly, the inside out belly button, labor pains, or a vaginal birth experience. I think I really need to mourn this reality - so I can move on and focus primarily on Parker. I need to go home and pack up my maternity clothes - it's hard to walk in my closet and see them hanging there. I also am gonna get rid of my pregnancy books, just seeing them makes me sad."

June 15, 2008

"Happy Daddy's Day!!! Great news, Parker is off CPAP! His numbers are staying up great right now. He has had a couple of brady's but bounces back quickly"

June 16, 2008

"Went to church last night and boy am I glad! I really needed it. I didn't feel bombarded with people or questions, though I talked to so many! I enjoyed the message too! It was about outreach, which is weighing on my heart. Being here in the NICU I feel that I have a lot of opportunity to reach out to others, but I just don't know how to approach them."

June 17, 2008

"Today has been an incredibly hard day...I am so ticked right now - I am pretty sure that I have the worlds worst nurse. She is very unpersonable and has been short with us all morning. It doesn't help because today has started out totally cruddy. I got a call from Dr. W. at 7:30 this morning. Parker had had a rough night. They put him on oxygen and took an xray of his chest and belly. This showed something in his bowel, which could be a possible infection. They have suspended his feeds until they find out what's going on. They even drew blood and put him back on an IV...

(Later that day)
"At this point they don't think it's an infection, but they are waiting on cultures, which will take a couple of days. He will be staying on his nasal cannula. I was reading Marla's book just now and came across this quote:'Our little ones are resilient and forgiving. Our God is a God of grace. These experiences keep us humble and remind us of our need for a Savior. And those angels are always on duty.' Oh how I needed that today."

(Even later that day...)
"This whole thing is frustrating me. I mean besides my growing PPD; I am watching my child struggle. It feels like he takes 4 steps forward and 15 steps back. i feel like we are gonna be in this NICU FOREVER. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I feel my hope just slowly fading away. I see no light at the end of the tunnel. I am doing my best to fully rely on God and trust that He is handling this situation. I really just want to scream out to God. Or maybe even scream at Him. Is it even ok that I am angry? Because I am so angry. I truly do not understand why I am finding myself in this situation. I feel like I am being punished or something. But, yet, I know deep down I am not. The hardest thing is to meet other children and see them thriving when Parker is having all these issues. I keep playing the comparison game. I look over at L and think 'well he's been off Cpap for a couple weeks and is doing well. Parker not so much.' But Parker is not L, nor is he B or anyone else, he's Parker. This is how Parker is, this is his life and his set of challenges - this is what will make him stronger and make him who he is as Parker. It doesn't make it any easier to watch him struggle though..."



It kind almost cracks me up to read these now. Mostly because of my horrible grammar and punctuation. I can look back now at this set of entries and clearly see what God was doing. He grew my so much during that time. I have since learned to lean on Him and trust Him and His will. That hard day I was having on June 17th just shows this to me. At the time, I didn't think I could make it through. I was angry with the rude nurse, scared for Parker, depressed, angry with God, wanting to scream....and now I look at it and clearly see God's leading and His lessons. I won't lie, there are a lot of times now that I struggle to trust, but I have grown to know that that's all I can do at times. And I see what this trusting can do. I trusted God with Parker's allergy tests and they came back mostly great!

God is good and he has a plan for Parker...who knew? - Oh He did!

Guest Post - Cheryl from Lips Unzipped

I asked a new friend a couple weeks ago to share her preemie story. Unfortunately, last week I wasn't able to post her story because of a trip to Indiana and no internet, but this week, I am thrilled to introduce you to Cheryl from Lips Unzipped!

---------------------

Hi everyone!!! Denise recently asked if anyone would be willing to write a guest post on preemies, since it is prematurity awareness month! I’ll introduce myself a little bit and then get into the nitty gritty details! I’m Cheryl, a 28 year old mom to 2 beautiful little girls. Lauren who is almost 3 and Jillian who turned 1 in September. Married to my “soul mate” (sound sickening?? Well, I didn’t believe in soul mates either until I met Adam) we’ve been together for almost 10 years, married for almost 5.

My first daughter, Lauren was born at 38 weeks, 1 day. Via c-section. I had been having pretty regular contractions and she was sitting VERY low in my pelvis. I actually started with preterm labour on Christmas Eve of 2006. Lauren is my “atypically” developing child. No serious complications after birth, nothing that would ever clue me into problems we might have with subsequent children. My wish was always to have a large family, since I’m an only child. However, it didn’t work out that way!

Jillian is the icing to our cake, I guess. My worrying about her started at 12 weeks gestation. When I had the triple screen done to check for chromosomal defects. I went to the doctor and he told me that my levels for Downs Syndrome and Spina Bifida were raised. Adam and I opted to have an amnio, not that we would have done anything with the results, we just needed to know. Come to find out, Jillian’s chromosomes were all there, happy, healthy and accounted for. My doctor warned that it might be a placental problem, so, we’d have to keep an eye on it.

Now while I was pregnant, I met a wonderful friend Anna. Who actually had a 26 weeker. I visited them on a regular basis and hoped that I would be BEGGING Jillian to vacate my body. Almost a month after Noel was born, I was walking back from visiting him and noticed that my pants and underwear were wet. It was summer. I started making excuses about why it might be happening. “Maybe I peed myself?” (Jillian was also a frank breech presentation) “Maybe Jillian kicked something?” Lauren needed a nap, so, I laid down to get some rest when she fell asleep. When I stood up, I felt a small gush. I panicked. I was 29 weeks, 3 days. I immediately called Adam and asked him to come home.

Fast forward 4 days. My doctor and I had already discussed that I was going to have a repeat c-section. I REALLY wanted a VBAC, but, my uterine scar was thinning. I was put on complete hospital bedrest for 4 days. I was only allowed up to use the bathroom, oh and a 5 minute shower every 2 days, where a nurse would stand outside and knock when my time was up. I felt like a prisoner, but I was willing to do anything to keep Jillian inside! Luckily, Adam was able to stay home with Lauren and they made twice daily treks to the hospital.

September 8th, 2008 marked the day that Jillian entered our family. She was born at 30 weeks gestation. Jillian gave us a scare the night before she was born when her heart rate was up to 190 bpm. She settled down and I attempted to sleep. My doctor arrived in the morning (after being on call all night) and did an ultrasound. I was contracting every 10 minutes, but it wasn’t painful at all. I thought it was Braxton hicks and that it would go away. He checked my cervical length and dilation through the ultrasound since my water had broken, they didn’t want to introduce any bacteria. At 8am, I was completely closed, not effaced, feeling I had nothing to worry about.

By 10 o’clock, I was having to breathe through contractions and concentrate. I paged my nurse (who immediately came running because she knew I didn’t page them unless absolutely necessary) my nurse paged the resident on call. They were all trying to decide if they should take me to labour and delivery to monitor my contractions, or just take Jillian out. The resident decided to check to see if I were dilating. I had made it to 3 cms (in less than 2 hours). Since my blood pressure was so low, they couldn’t put me on ANY drugs to stop the contractions. So, it was go time. I asked them how long I had before we went to the OR. I was told 10 minutes, TOPS. I IMMEDIATELY called Adam and told him to get to the hospital. Thankfully a nurse and a social worker were able to watch Lauren. By the time my spinal was placed they checked me again and I was 6 cms dilated, guess it is true that you go faster with your second baby!

Since Jillian was breech, when the doctors lifted her out, they flashed me her bum before heading to the NICU. I was so upset to be separated from her, but, I knew she was in VERY competent hands. Considering her gestational age, it really surprised EVERYONE that she cried when she was born.
After spending 5 weeks in the NICU, Jillian FINALLY got to come home on Thanksgiving Monday (October 13, 2008- we’re Canadian, eh?!) I thought that our battle with prematurity was over . Sure, we had TONS of doctors visits and other things to keep her healthy, but I didn’t think we’d see any long term effects.

In November of 2008, Jillian was hospitalized briefly for a blue spell. She stopped breathing for 5 seconds, twice. HOW SCARY! They decided to do a head ultrasound while we were there (VERY common in preemies) they did see that she had a PVL and told me it could lead to Cerebral Palsy. Obviously devastated, I wanted to be able to fight for Jillian. We ended up having another head ultrasound in February of 2009. Fortunately, they saw that her PVL was gone. Adam and I were ecstatic. Unfortunately, her soft spot was fusing, so they didn’t get an accurate picture.

Jillian is developmentally delayed, with VERY high muscle tone in her legs and trunk. Depending on early intervention, we started therapies. In September of 2009, Jillian’s fabulous doctor decided that she needed a sedated MRI to see if there were any underlying causes of her delays and muscle tone. It was then we learned that the PVL wasn’t gone, in fact, it had gotten bigger. Obviously upset again, I decided we needed to fight harder for Jillian.

As of October 22nd, 2009, Jillian has been diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy. We don’t know the type or severity yet as we have to see what Jillian will do on her own. Our hopes are high that Jillian will over come this, but we also have to be realistic about the whole thing. Jillian’s CP is a result of her early birth. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I would have a “special needs” baby. Not that I’m close minded or anything like that. But, I think we as parents NEVER want to hear that there is something wrong with your child.

We are now awaiting so many specialists I don’t know when I’ll ever be able to sleep. Jillian is our icing on the cake, and we wouldn’t have it any other way.

In which a title doesn't explain it...

God is really working in my life right now and while it took me FOREVER to see it, I am so glad I finally open up my eyes to all the good things he is doing. A couple weeks ago I wrote about issues I was going through and made you all sit here and wonder, what the HECK is up with her, and if you didn't...oh well! Well, little did I know God was doing something - he's always doing something - and I tend to be completely blind at first. Who isn't?

First of all, lets say those issues - GONE! Even better than that - it was all in my head! YES! I knew I was going crazy! :) It's so funny to me now, looking back, a lot of the issues with the issues were created by me - not stepping up and listening when I should have been. Yah, I like to think I am in charge - but God has other plans.

I have realized a lot over the past 2 days that God has really blessed me! I mean I knew it but now, now I KNOW it...and all it took was a sermon, 2 bonfires and an email! :) (and a partridge in a pear tree).

Pastor Mike's sermon this sunday was about God rocking our world. He discussed Act 16 - in which Paul and Silas were in jail. It really hit me as Pastor Mike talked about how they waited. Waiting for me - well lets say I am not a waiter...I am impatient...yet here this innocent men are, in jail, and rather than giving in and giving up and walking away, they waited. I mean...they could have just been like, "ok God, seriously, we are SO over this.." but they didn't. They waited until God has accomplished what he wanted and then they left. Pastor Mike brought up the thought, ya know, after the earthquake the doors were open....P and S could have just left while the guard slept - but nooooo, they stayed, they waited. WHAT? I mean, awesome. I have to admit, God has really rocked my world in my life...and I will also admit that there have been some incidents in which I did not wait...and I regret that. But the times I stayed and waited and saw what God had in store - man, they did rock my world. This sermon seriously just hit me...in a good way.

Sunday evening was the Vista staff bonfire at our friend's the Webbs. God opened up my eyes during the bonfire. See, these are people that most of the time I only spend time with at church or church functions. For example Pastor Mike's awesome wife - see I have only ever seen her at something church related - rather a actual sunday service, choir practice or program. It was cool for me to see her in a new way - like any other women...I am so used to her being the illusive Tammy Smith, wife of the pastor...but I tend to forget she's just like me. It was good for me to see her and others in the relaxed environment. As I sat with these amazing people...it hit me, God has placed some amazing people in my life...I am VERY fortunate. I left that evening very content and thrilled to call these people my friends.

Then last night...bonfire #2. This was with my old life group. And once again I realized - I have been blessed with amazing friends. It was great to see Parker playing with the other kids and friends. My son has some very special friends in that group. I am so glad he is going to grow up knowing them. The bonfire last night made me miss that life group...i mean, it seems like this group has been through a lot together and these are friends that I will have for a long time. We have invested in each other a lot and it's good to know that we all connect well. Once again - God showed me what I hadn't been seeing.

Then this morning - I received an email. I am not sure if I have posted it on here, but I have been praying for a while to make friends in my apartment complex. See, this complex is full of young families and we have lived here a year now and I knew no one really. I got to know the couple below us a bit, but they moved out in June and I ended up feeling very lonely. I didn't know anyone, I was too shy to put myself out there, even though it wouldn't have been that hard. Well about a month ago, maybe a little longer a new couple moved in below us. They have a little boy and I decided to take them some cookies when they were moving in. We talked a bit and introduced ourselves to each other. Then nothing - we didn't really see each other much and when we did, it was more of a hi - bye deal. After we got back from vacation in Sept. they brought us some cookies and thanked us for welcoming them. Then again - nothing...hi-byes. Until last week. I was sitting here watching some Tv and Parker was napping - there was a knock on my door. It was S, the mom, asking me if I would like to go on a walk with her and her son. Parker was napping, but I told her that once he woke up, we'd join her. We went on a walk around the complex and got to know each other. We discussed maybe hosting play groups with some others in complex and evening getting together to have dinner. I emailed her to thank her for the walk and invite her to my Mommies and Munchkins group and didn't hear back from her. I tried not to let it bother me, but it did and I felt like maybe I had made a bad impression or something. Well this morning I got an email from her. She was genuinely happy to meet me and wanted to try to get together weekly to talk and what not.

I don't know why I sit here blind to God's provisions and blessings and direction, but I am going to start watching and looking for those opportunities more.

God is like cool and stuff!

I'm NOT a bad mom, and Parker is NOT stupid...so deal!

Ha, I love my title. Sure, it's a bit long, but some days I just want to scream that to the world...so here I am screaming:

I AM NOT A BAD MOM!!!!!

PARKER IS NOT STUPID OR SLOW!!!!!

SO DEAL WITH IT DUDE!


Ok, so no one called me a bad mom and no one called Parker stupid (at least not that I am aware of) but satan seems to like to drill this into my head on a bad day.

Well you know what satan - go sit on a tack you annoying little twerp...I am SO OVER YOU!

Not that I have yelled at twerpazoid I am happy to announce that for once in my measly motherhood I feel like a good mom! Ok, maybe not for once - but it has been a while to be honest.

Parker had a meeting with his Help Me Grow case worker today. Parker is doing great over all, his scores are really good...except for two:
- Communication: we are so close to not being in the delayed part
- Social - Emotional: we are close to being in the delayed part.
I am actually really happy about that...I know that Parker is a lousy communicator (must get that from me!) and I know that there are some things he is just behind on...but that does not make him stupid or slow.

Give the kid a break, he was after all born a whole 11 weeks early...and considering where he is right now, he's doing GREAT! Our case worker said she has worked with other 29 weekers and that Parker is doing VERY well considering. He is - surprisingly enough an early walker!

I am thrilled by this. Here I am thinking my child is on his way to delayedville USA, but nope, he's doing great.

He starts therapy this Friday! I really look forward to it because I am at a point where I feel burnt out working with him all the time. It will be nice to have someone who went to school for this stuff here to help him. And I look forward to learning how to help him with his mildly delayed areas. I love spending time with him.

I think I am realizing that I am too hard on myself when it comes to being a mom. I also know that I worry too much - WAY too much. But I am sorta starting to let go and really trust God for Parker's growth and development.

That's a good thing if you ask me.

(did this blog seem random?)

Following the Leader

God's been up to something recently in the Northern household and it is great to see His direction coming to fruition. For a while now Drew and I have been praying, seeking God's wisdom and desiring to host our own life group (some call it small group) but didn't really know anything other than the desire. We've kind of just been waiting on the right time or a clear "Go" to do so. Well, God's been up to something.

See, our church has been multiplying - there are a lot more young families now and there are ones that are desiring more connections with others. It's great to see our church having such a positive affect in the community. Being the administrative assistant for the kids community, I see weekly how our kids community is impacted by the growth of our church and the new families coming in to visit or even join. I do attendance weekly and I add at least one new family a week as a visitor and I see a lot continue to come back - it's awesome. It's a positive thing for me to be able to pour into these families through the Kids Community and now, God is leading Drew and I in another way we can pour into these families.

Through Life Group!

I have been a part of a life group now for almost 2 years (maybe less - it's been at least a year) and I have loved every. single. moment. of the time I have spent with this group of young families. I am BLESSED to call them my friends and am thankful that we were able to be in a group together. Our leaders of our group - the S.1 family, have been amazing to us. They have poured into us and the rest of the families in this group. The entire group and many other people outside of it came along side us when Parker was born. It was then that I knew what it was like to have a family other than my parents. I have a church family who loves me and my family and I am thankful for that. Anyways, back to the group. Our kids our growing up together and will always (I hope anyway) remain close and remain friends.

It's great that young families are multiplying, sadly, though, we haven't had a lot of life groups that have met that age group. Until this time. Our group is happily multiplying (I refuse to say breaking apart - because it's good, not bad!) and we are going to be helping out our friends the S. 2 family (another family that starts with S) in another group! I guess you could say kind of like co-leaders, though are names aren't officially on the sign up sheet, we plan to be be a part of this group and invest very much in the new families that come into it. Some of the families I will know, others, are new at church and I am excited to be able to come along S 2 family and help lead and love on these other families.

God has really been preparing Drew and I for this moment - and while no, we aren't the actual leaders it's great practice and training for one day actually leading our own. Personally, I am not this big public speaker person - I get flustered and forget what I am going to say, use strange words, or forget what word I want to use. But I have been getting better. I feel like my role with the Kids Community has started setting me up for that, as well as other experiences. I want to be the blessing to someone that the S. 1 family and other families in our LG have been to us.

So for those of you reading this from our LG, consider this our official announcement that we are helping to start another LG and we are so excited! We will miss everyone and our weekly get together, but we still plan to be a part of your lives as often as we can! This doesn't mean we can't talk anymore, just means we will see a little less of each other.

I look forward to seeing what God has in store for the new LG and I can't wait to meet new people.

God is so good!

One Year Ago...

My heart is happy today! It's been one year since Parker came home from the hospital and to be quite honest - it seems like it went too fast. I can't truly explain the feelings I get thinking about it. I certainly would never wish what we went through on anyone, but if you've been through it - leaving your child at the hospital for more than the normal amount of time - watching him struggle to grow, wondering if you would ever get to bring him home - you can't imagine the emotions. It's hard and when that day comes to finally bring them home - its awesome...it's a milestone! It's scary though, too, because you get so used to machines alerting you if something isn't right, you have doctors and nurses around to help you and you get sleep at night.

After 69 days in the hospital, I got to bring my tiny turtle, my little man, P-town home. It was scary, but so exciting. The car ride home was funny and scary - we drove really slow...probably should have had our flashers on :) But it was great to have him home, no wires, no beeping monitors, ect.

It's been a difficult 14 months, the things we have been through have not been easy, but I feel strong and like I am a good mom. God has really watched over us and Parker is thriving and that is what's most important.

Happy 1 Year Anniversary of being home sweet boy!

**I want to take a moment to let you all know that I am now the Kids Community Administrative Assistant at Vista! - So Excited!**

Enjoy some picture from last year below:

I'm Back :)

Hello Friends,

Thank you so much for your understanding and patience with me as I took some time away from blogging to just be! To be quite honest with you, I took a break for many reasons - 1) I felt the need to focus on my family - 2) I felt completely uninspired and had zero desire to blog - 3) I needed the time to pray about some things...

But I am feeling refreshed, inspired, and ready to be back to blogging. Maybe not daily, but more often and about more things!

And now for some updates!

- Parker is doing so well! He is just a little ball of fun and fire. He is learning more and more and wanting to walk more, but still chickening out at times. He has really started eating more and more food. He will continue to get a bottle of formula until at least october. To be honest, his growth and size is still behind and small. Yes, he is growing, but he isn't really catching up with the curve of an actual 14 month old. He is still learning to walk - he does great when holding on to things...if he could hold on to stuff all the time, he would walk very very well. The problem is when he lets go - he realizes there's nothing there to grab to and automatically falls. It's cute! He loves cartoons and he is a little blabber boy. He says mama and some times dada and random other noises. He has learned to climb on the couch by himself and does it often (it's the getting down that we have problems with). This month, we are working on eating table food better and using a cup. He still thinks a cup is a toy - but I am hoping he will be able to use one by the time we go on vacation in september. Also, yesterday was Parker's first day in the crawlers - walkers class at church. It's weird that he isn't in the nursery anymore! But so exciting that he gets to be with kids his own age!

- I am still planning on going to Cambodia. In fact, that's a lot of what I prayed about. God is leading me there and I feel his hand on it. I know now it's not just my desire, but it is in fact God really doing this in my heart! I am nervous about raising the money to go though. I am working on a sponsor list currently to send out in the next couple of months to start working on raising the funds, even though I wouldn't go until 2010. If you are interested in sponsoring me, leave a comment and I will get back to you for your info.
I am really preparing myself to, I have borrowed a lot of books from the library and a couple of movies. I watched one recently - "The Killing Fields" - wow. I mean just wow! It really helped me to understand what this country has been through. I am sure once I am there and such, it will really hit me.

- Life in general is good. We just resigned our lease - which is exciting considering we've lived here 3 years and in 3 places! It's nice to be staying and not having to relocate again! I am going to be a working woman soon - which is such an answer to prayers. I can't really go into much detail quite yet, but it's a job that doesn't require many hours and it will help bring in a little extra cash. We are also planning on getting a new car. We've had it with our Bonneville and the constant issues. We are putting way to much money into considering how much it's worth (which is like nothing). So starting today, we are going to be looking at new cars - we have a small list of cars we want to look at and test drive. I'm pretty excited because this new car would be mine and I would like something a bit bigger than our PT Cruiser. So pray that we are able to find something that fits us well and our needs. We don't plan to purchase today, but we want to be looking and starting to really weigh our options.

- Some exciting things are coming up soon. This Wed. is the 1 year anniversary of bringing Parker home from the hospital. Thursday is our 4 year anniversary. Next wed is the 1 year "adjusted age" birthday of Parker. So much to celebrate in August! And in September - we go on vacation to Buffalo, NY to see Drew's parents and such. So excited!

Well, I hope you all are well! I am so glad to be back!

Holy Cow God!

I apologize for me lack of updates as of recent. Part of that stems from the lack of motivation and desire to blog right now, the other part stems from the amount of time I have been in prayer over some doors that have opened as well as just having a toddler and being sick and busy.

I am hoping - and I do really hope - to do better at updating more and blogging more. My mind has just been a jumbled mess of trying to figure some things out, accepting some things, working with Parker on things, ect.

I want to tell you how God is opening doors in my life and really pushing me past some serious boundaries. One of these things I just can't put out there yet until it goes through and such, but lets just say, God is providing in a way I never thought.

The other way, well, that's different, because I need you all to pray for me. I have told you all for a while now that I have been praying about going to Cambodia with my church on a missions trip at some point. I will say, I am still seeking his will 100%, but unless something changes, I feel with no doubt that he his will is that I go to Cambodia on a trip. I would be really surprised if this doesn't work out.

But the truth of the matter is - I. Am. Terrified. I have never been overseas, the only other countries I have been too are Mexico and Canada and I didn't fly to Canada. I mean, like, this is WAY out of my comfort zone, yet, I am at peace. I am terrified of planes, yet, at peace about that. I am terrified of not finding any food I want....yet, I am at peace about that. I mean, whoa! It's a total God thing!

If you could just pray that details work out, that would be great. I don't know when the next trip is, but it sounds like it may be Jan or Feb. But there is a lot to do between now and then, like, get a passport! Also, we will need to work out child care for Parker, as well, I don't think Drew can take that much time off. And there are many others, but until I know more about the trip itself, I don't know what all it is. I assume I will be getting shots - so if you can pray for my fear of needles that would be great - you'd think they wouldn't phase me anymore after all I went through with Parker - but ha, no such luck. I still hate them! I am excited, yet scared, but God is really just working in me and I love it.

Ok, so well, that's all I have for now....

Thank You!

God is so good!

First of all, to anyone who read this and prayed (you know who you are) - THANK YOU!

I know it seems silly, but sometimes I simply need the reminder that I am Parker's mommy for a reason!

God has worked out some of the knots in my soul that were there last night, granted - I still feel pretty lousy, but I know I am not alone, I know I am a good mom (even if Parker just totally cut his arm on the side of our bookcase - builds character right?) I can't protect him 100% of the time. I know that. I also know that I do what he needs me too - even if I doubt myself. It's lies! Satan knows how to get in and just spread icky seeds everywhere.

I realized something today. I have family here in Columbus (and spread out everywhere). No, we aren't blood related, but I do have family here. i love them all! Each one brings something extra to the table and each one holds a special place in my heart. I am so fortunate to have a HUGE extended Christian family. They are amazing, gifted and totally awesome! One of my family members - Crissy, she's like the big sister who's older and wiser than I, she was awesome today. Parker had a meltdown today, very unusual for him, and ended up being in the service with me. I sat with Crissy and her family and when he started acting up, she let me stay in service while she took him in the hallway! it was great to not have to do it myself and get a break for once. Another friend Marla, wrote me the sweetest note, I read it when I got home, tears streaming down my face (even if it was few words!) I just REALLY needed it.

I have to admit, I am very much a word of affirmation person. I don't know if I didn't get enough support and praise growing up, but something that REALLY feeds my soul is getting those words of affirmation/encouragement. Sometimes, all I need is words - it is I think my top Love Language!

I am better today! Much better. My soul is hurting and I am running low on happy, but I am getting there. God is giving me outlets, friends, songs, just really speaking to me right now.

Tomorrow, I am calling my Dr. back about my anti-depressant, as I know I need it right now. I need to seek some counseling too.

Things are looking up -

Moving on to a couple random things.
- I get my iphone tonight! Drew upgraded his, so I get his old one! Oh yah, I am excited.
- Billy Mays died - seriously, is there something in the hollywood water or something?
- Busy week ahead - my in laws will be here Thurs - Sunday. Super fun though.

ok, that's it! Enjoy the rest of your "Rest" day - Sunday!

God is Nifty

***EDIT*** PLEASE BE PRAYINGParker's NICU buddy Logan is currently in the ER, he has a high temp and has been having breathing issues. It's a scary time for his momma Tabatha. Last I heard at about 4:15 pm EST he was getting an x-ray and was ordered 3 breathing treatments. Logan is a precious boy, who has been through a lot in the past year. (For those who don't know, Parker and Logan were born 12 hours apart (P was born 1st) they were they same gestation, same birthday, same reason (HELLP Syndrome) and Tabatha and I connected through the NICU. Oh and their beds were beside each other!)
***END EDIT***

Wow, I am on a role with these God filled posts all of a sudden! Oh well, I can't help it, my faith has grown a lot in the last year and each day I am truly reminded of just how stinking cool God and also - pretty darn creative too!

Today - at the zoo - I would look at the animals and it would just strike my how unbelievably cool they are. I've been to the Columbus Zoo several times, but I never get past the amazement as I watch the most precious baby elephant in the world play with his mommy, or watch a silly monkey laying in the share eating branches. I love to tell Parker about these cool animals, even if he is more interested in eating his hat. It just astounds me. Truly.

It makes me seriously wonder how people don't believe in God. But that's just me.

You know why else God is nifty - He provides. I swear there are days I wonder how we survive with little money and bills, but he provides - always. Last year, we weren't sure what would come of Parker's birth/hospital stay/shots/dr. visits ect - I won't go into how much it's been (we'll just say A LOT! - no not a million - but a lot) and we have only paid maybe .3% our of pocket! SERIOUSLY, how fortunate we have been and I truly do believe that is a God thing. Yes, we have insurance, which sure, isn't necessarily a God thing, but considering all that we've been through - I feel very fortunate.

God continues to provide - we've found an Occupational Therapist that we will be seeing - currently we are on a waiting list - apparently OT and PT are in high demand! We have also been able to pay off one of our cars and we haven't had any overdraft charges in months (yes, that's right folks, we have had that problem.)

I just think God is doing such amazing amazing things! In my life, in the world, in my church and I am thankfully to have hope in Him!

Ok, stepping back from this God talk for today!

Hope you are having a wonderful hump day! :)

A Little Tangent

I have a little tangent I would like to discuss. Why, well because I want to gloat about my church. Well not so much gloat as just share with you while I am proud to call myself a member of Vista Community Church.

1) Our Minister: Mike Smith is hysterical. Great guy and really just something else. He will rightfully admit that he had no intentions of being the preacher of this church, but boy has God blessed him. In the two and a half years I've known him, I have seen him grow in his speaking capabilities. He does such a great job delivering the message each week and he almost always adds in a little humor. That's just him though!

2) Our Staff: Seriously, they don't get any better, from the quirky adorable Mary Kate to the awesomely talented Justin, to the practical fun loving Brain, to my personal fav. Amber (ok so maybe she is because I work with her a lot!) the precious! I love our staff! And believe, me there are more - Cindy, our Kids Community director (whom I worked with from day 1 to help get this kids stuff off the groung) she is a beautiful human being. I adore her.

3) Worship: I pretty much leave church EVERY week pumped. I could sing and worship for hours at that place. We have an incredible amount of talented musicians, drummers, guitar rocking individuals in our church. And worship each week is just awesome. I am never bored and I love the types of songs we sing! Oh man, seriously a lot of times I almost break out in dance each week. I tend to twitch to the music alot because they rock it. Seriously - oh man... INCREDIBLE! I wish you could all hear it. I really really do!

4) Kids Community: So I may be tooting my own horn here a bit since I've been pretty involved with this area since the beginning, but I can't help it. We have a wonderful paid staff that works with our kids every week. We also have wonderful volunteers that help out each week. I love being a part of this kids community, putting my 2 cents in here and there and developing the curriculum for the toddlers. I ADORE MY TODDLERS! It's really a happy place for me! And i am pretty sure the kids love it.

5) My friends: I have an amazing group of friends at church. I have a life group I can't get enough of. I love that everyone is nice and even people I may not know well invest in me and my family. I never feel hated or unloved, in fact, I feel way over loved at times. It truly is a church of very loving people.

I just can't get enough of my church. I don't know why I am feeling led to write this tonight. I just really love it. We just recently launched a new website, that is a lot more user friendly than our old one and we are really growing as a church. We have grown a lot for a church of our size. I love that our church cares about the community and wants to get involved. Just these past two weeks we've been talking about Social Justice and Multi-Cultural Churches. It's fascinating really.

i am really blessed to call Vista my church home. I am really blessed to be a part of the kids community and blessed to have been allowed to develop a curriculum for the toddler room. I love it!

God is so good. And I am thankful for that!

Doctors, Parties, Work-outs, oh my!

I am being a bad blogger - shame on me for not updating more! However, life has been a little bit busy and hectic and so therefore I haven't had time to sit down and just be and talk. Until now. I am making myself sit down and relax today because I have been on the go for what seems like forever! I need to take today to sit and relax and enjoy some down town with my big 1 year old. Part of that is getting to you an update of the past few days. Obviously you know Parker turned 1 on May 29th, but I didn't get to share with you about his 12 month check up and I certainly did not get to share with you the details of his party. So away we go...

Friday with when Parker turned 1. I think I am still in disbelief that my baby is 1! I sometimes feel like I have to pinch myself to make sure I am not imagining it or even to feel like it's real. (And yes, I did pinch myself that morning. Parker went in for his 1 year check up and it went well. He was 14lbs 15ozs (so I am just saying he was 15lbs.) and he was 27 in. long! Big boy! The doctor said Parker is looking great and doing well. He is allowed to eat pretty much anything now and he will remain on formula until he's 15 months to help get more calories in him. I am actually getting frustrated because he doesn't seem to care for most table food. Which is frustrating especially when the doctor says he needs 3 meals a day plus his bottles. I feel like I am never going to get him to eat "real" food. Don't get my wrong, he loves most baby food...but like, I want him to have eggs or cheese or something like that and he looks at me like I am nuts for offering it to him. I keep thinking, what if he NEVER eats anything but the formula and baby food. He can't have milk yet - not because of allergies, but because for him it is important to get the calories and nutrients from the formula and the milk would take place of that. He can have watered down juice, but not as a substitute for the formula. I am pretty sure this all frustrates me most because if by age 2 he hasn't caught up with his actual age, he will need to see an endocrinologist and possibly get some growth hormones.

Other than his dr. appointment friday was spent decorating cupcakes and pulling together the last of the needs for his party! Parker's party was on saturday and it was elmo world themed. It was a big hit and we had a lot of friends and family there. The kids made a craft (their own dorothy.) and they were allowed to color on the table cloths, which went over great! The kids loved it and I think the adults did too! Parker got a lot of great gifts, which he loves to play with. He did get to try cake but was too busy playing with the frosting and smearing it on his face to actually eat anything. But it was cute none the less. After the party we came home and my family came back with us and hung out for a few hours. We played at least an hours worth of Taboo, which with my family is fun! After they left, I got ready and headed to Buca Di Beppo for mom's night out. So much fun!

Not much has happened between Sat. and today. I did join a stroller fit type group though. It's called Mommies and Munchkins. It was started in Columbus by a woman who just moved here from Indiana. She has started one there too and it was thriving. Slowly but surely this one is growing. It is a lot of fun. You walk and exercise, but you stop and you do things with your kiddos to help them get some exercise too. It's Christ based, so there is a memory verse and rhymes to go along with some of the stretching. The best part about it is that it's free. I loved it, you can go at your own pace. You choose your level of fitness. I pushed myself and I am feeling the pain of that today, but I am so glad that I have found something like this. I have been wanting to get into something like this, but didn't know where to begin! We meet every tues and thursday at various parks in the area.

Not really sure what else to talk about. I guess just pray for the frustrations I am feeling over feeding Parker. And also, pray that he starts sleeping better. For the past few nights at about 12:30 he wakes up SCREAMING and crying. I think it might be because he is getting another tooth, but it's frustrating for mommy and daddy!

Thanks friends.

To Be Honest...

I am having a hard night. My mind is a mess of thoughts and feelings and such and I need to let it out...so well, I am going to vent and be honest...

I feel like a failure - like Parker should not be proud of me. What, Why you ask? Well let me tell you why..

First - I haven't finished my college degree - I am a year away, just a mear 30ish credits away from my Bachelor degree. and to be honest, I don't want the degree anymore. It was a Children's Ministry degree. I don't want to be a children's minister anymore. I still want to work with kids, but I feel like I am most happy when I am writing the curriculum and teaching. Not doing all the other ministerial things that go with it. I am 26 and have yet to be a college graduate. But what kind of degree would I need to do the curriculum and teaching? Heck, I'd even love to work for Group Publishing or something writing Children's Ministry curriculum. I want Parker to be proud of his mama for getting a degree.

Second - My patience is wearing thin recently. Parker has been growing up - not that that is a bad thing, but he really likes to test me now and to be honest, it kills me. He just knows all the buttons to push - I feel like a terrible mom.

Third - I feel like a failure for getting sick the other day and Drew needing to come home. I feel bad he had to leave work. I feel worse that he doesn't have that many sick days and he takes one for me.

Fourth - Just escaped me - wait no, there it is. I am still (almost a year later) feeling guilty and like a failure for having a preemie. I know, I know, it's not my fault and I did the right thing. Sure, you say that, but do you understand how much it hurts me. I will always say that it was the hardest easy decision I have ever made. I mad that my body failed and that I was even forced to make a decision. Sure, I get it, I should be happy and thankful that Parker and I are both alive and well - and I am, but it hurts. I never got that moment where after you've pushed and screamed the baby comes out, goopy, gross and with a pointy head, and they place the baby on you for the first time. (even if they disgust you you love them.) Heck up to going into the operating room, I remember not much else of thursday. There are fuzzy memories of random people coming by and nurses and Drew telling me about Parker. Oh, and that's another thing, Drew didn't even get to be in the room with me because I has general anesthesia. Even he didn't get that daddy moment, where I break his hand but he doesn't care because the goopy baby is the most beautiful thing ever. I let him down, I let myself down, I let my family down and that kills. Even now as I sit here and type this, I believe it was a year ago today or tomorrow that I was in the ER for the first time. It hurts. I am so mad at myself. I feel like i should have done more...maybe I should have lost weight first and then had a baby. I know it doesn't seem like I should be hurting and sad but I am. It hurts me, so much. And I want Parker to know I did everything I could. I did what I felt was right. yet I feel like a failure.

I just want Parker to be proud of me. I want to know what I am supposed to do. I want to Parker to say, "That's my mom, she's smart and pretty and I love her."

Why do I allow myself to feel like this...

My Vacation - in Pictures!

Here are some of the highlight pictures from vacation! Enjoy (tomorrow will be getaway picture day!)

My baby, at cracker barrel - on our way to TN.


Petting a camel, precious!


An Ostrich - funny story - when I was 8 or 9, we were at the Ft. Wayne Zoo in IN. And I got bit by an ostrich, my dad didn't believe me, stuck his finger in and got bit too. This one did not bite me, but it was putting on a show!


Parker with his grandparents!


There as a cool butterfly exhibit at Knoxville Zoo - so fun!



Parker and Grandpa Pete


At Panther Creek State Park - so beautiful.


Bruce, Joy, Parker, Angela, and Pete (great-grandparents and grandparents!)


Parker decided to drive!


Possibly the best part of the trip for me, seeing a black bear out in the wild. This was one of three and the only good shot!



Parker making eyes and flirting with Manju


Parker with his great-grandparents: Joy and Bruce


Our Friends - The Albright's: Steve, Peggy and Manju (love them!)


Parker trying on his hat from his great-grandparents (which we left at their place!)


Getting the traditional shot at the sign!!! (Met a lovely family from Indiana!)

Mother's Day Memories

For a first mother's day, today turned out great and I will have such wonderful memories of today's events.

Today, I got to dedicate my son and his raising to the Lord. I want to raise my son in a Godly home and show him Christ. Today I got to go that with my life group friends (all dedicating a child) and my family visiting.

Today, I got to hold my precious toddler as he slept in my arms! Last time he did that was when he was in the hospital for his "asthma" issues. That was the best mother's day gift ever.

Today, I got to spend Mother's day with not only Drew and Parker, but also my mom and her husband, my in-laws, my grandma, my sister and my brother. (And the best part they all got along.

Today, our friends, Crissy and Brian prayed over us and committed to helping us with Parker and being great friends and helping us with our walk with the Lord.

Today, I got chocolate and flower pots and cards and hugs!

Today, I got a life group picture with all of us (loved it!)

Today, has been one of the best days of my life. I am so thankful that I am a mom and that Parker is my son and that he is special and a miracle and perfect!

Today - Is mother's day!