Not What I Expected

As a women I cannot begin to tell you how thrilled I was when I found I was pregnant in Dec of 2007. Growing up, it was my dream to have children, to love a child, to be a mommy and there it was in front of me - my 2 tests telling me "Yup Deni, you are pregnant!" It was a surreal moment to know that in my belly was a little itty bitty bean that in a mere 10 months would be in my arms screaming - covered in ooky goo but more beautiful than anything.

But, that didn't happen. Nope...not in the least. I won't get into my story at this point, that's for the 17th of November, but I will say this...when I had Parker, it wasn't want I expected.

When you have a baby, you expect to be in labor for hours, screaming for epidurals, yelling at your husband, screaming, pushing, ect (or maybe that's what I expected!) You don't expect to have an emergency c-section and not get to see your baby for 3 days (other than in pictures).

You expect to have that crying child covered in goo weighing in the 5-8 pound mark put on your belly and you cry tears of joy...not this...


You don't expect to have to see tubes in your child, breathing apparatuses on his face, noises going off everywhere and you certainly don't expect for that child to weigh a mere 2lbs 3ozs...



You also don't expect to have to be wheeled to another place in the hospital to see that little bundle of joy lying in an incubator while there are other children just like that around.



And you don't expect your first time holding him will be the day you are discharged from the hospital. You also don't expect to not bring him home with you that day - it's not supposed to be like that.

However, that was my reality and that is the reality (though each person is different) of many today. More than 13 million babies are born too soon worldwide. In fact in an average week in the US 10,440 babies are born preterm of those 1,664 babies are born VERY early. Those numbers are just not what you want to see.

I never thought I would be one of those 10,440 and I certainly didn't expect to be one of the 1,664. I did everything right in my pregnancy, I expected to have Parker in august and go through labor and bring my baby home just a couple days after having him.

But God had a different plan and looking back now I am thankful for that. Having a preemie has made me more aware of what March of Dimes is doing for women and baby everywhere. I have gained more faith and have really been able to work with March of Dimes and other preemie parents to make aware the realities of preterm birth.

I certainly didn't plan to have a preemie, nor do I plan to have another. But I am glad that I can use what I have been through to reach out to others.


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This month I am hoping to blog regularly about prematurity and my journey within the community of preemie parents. This blog will give you statistics, information, and I will also share bits and pieces of our journey. I hope to have some guest posts (if you are interested, please let me know), Wednesdays I will share with you some excerpts from the journal I kept during Parker's 69 days in the hospital and much much more.

You don't have to be a preemie parent to blog about prematurity. On Nov. 17th, prematurity awareness day, BloggersUnite wants you to blog the story of a preemie you know or have to promote awareness. You can always add a badge to your blog as well. (See my post from Sat. Oct. 31 for links!)

Be Blessed!

What EXACTLY is he learning???

So here's my thing - I love Noggin (now Nick Jr.) and I honestly don't mind most of the shows on there...there are a few I will not allow Parker to watch (Yo Gabba Gabba, Lazytown to name 2). And I do let him watch a most on there (not all day mind you). But as we watch some of the shows...I wonder...if I should not allow him to watch a couple...Let's say I have some beef with a couple of shows.

Max and Ruby:
My beef with this show is this:
1. Ruby - her little miss know-it-all attitude. I mean really. Max is what 2? 3? and doesn't want to play with her and do girl stuff - and she acts like he has to do EVERYTHING she says. REALLY? What on earth does this teach? How is this appropriate for a preschooler to watch.
2. Parents - WHERE THE HECK ARE THEIR PARENTS???? You never see them - ever. You see Grandma on occasion, but she doesn't live there. Why on earth is Ruby in charge of everything? She's what maybe 7 and she takes her little brother to the park with out supervision? She makes him food, she cooks by herself. Again, what on earth does this teach?

I just don't get it?

The Wonder Pets
My beef with this show is:
1. Honestly, this may be one of my favorite shows that Parker watches. But Ming-Ming's attitude ANNOYS me! She acts like she's the best thing since sliced bread...seriously. And what's with her trying to take over Linny's position in the group? And why does she think she can do everything herself? It's supposed to be about TEAMWORK!

It makes me wonder what the writers of these shows are thinking. Ya know, these are supposed to be preschool shows and teach good things...but what exactly are children learning when they see a little girl taking care of her brother by herself and acting like she knows EVERYTHING? Or what are they supposed to think when they see a cute little chick posing a real attitude about teamwork and wanting to do it by herself?

I honestly used to care less - anything to keep Parker happy and entertained - what.ev.er! But as he gets older - it hits me, what on earth am I allowing to be put into his head?

Anyways, so that's my beef...and now I am going to go eat - because talking about beef made me hungry! :)

When Life Hands You Lemons...

...make lemonade.

Easier said then done if you ask me!

I have been thinking a lot recently. Thinking be a good thing for me or a bad thing. But recently, it's been a good thing - or at least I would like to believe it has been. I have been thinking a lot about things in my life that have shaped me into who I am today. My life has been far from easy and while I don't remember much from when I was young, I can remember the first moment I realized life is so not fair all the time.

Easter 1998 -
Oh man, I remember this like it was yesterday. i walked into to church that morning to a very somber and sad mood. I was met at the door by one of our elders, who went on to tell me that Pastor Danny has passed away suddenly that morning while preparing to get into costume for our sunrise service. I remember my heart sinking into my chest - Pastor Danny and his wife Marilyn were like another set of parents to me. I had promised Pastor Danny that I would be going to church camp that summer with him and others from church as a jr. counselor. I couldn't understand why this had happened - as far as I knew, he was perfectly healthy and was rather young - but God needed him. I can remember feeling so cheated when he passed away. But looking back I have learned a lot from that experience - I never once took another person for granted. I attempt to live my life to make Danny proud - I want him to be looking down on me saying, "Denise, I am so proud of you!" Of course I want to make family and friends proud too, but for some reason, his approval is so important to me. Also, I got a lot closer to Marilyn after his death. Because I really struggled with it and turned to her a lot to just talk...that closeness would be the reason why I got through so many other hard things in my life.

2000 -
My parents divorced in 2000. I won't go into all the messy details, but lets just say it was an incredibly hard time for my family. My mom made some lousy decisions - which lead to the separation - which lead to my dad becoming very depressed and making the decision to try suicide. When that happened - I went and stayed with Marilyn for a while. I was angry at my mom, scared for my dad and did not want to be at home at all. Marilyn really helped me through that time - she became like a mom to me. I felt like I could only talk to her - my anger towards my mom and the hurt over my dad just was too much to talk to them. Both my parents are remarried now and happy - and I have rebuilt my relationship with my mom - but I can definitely understand what I learned out of this - I will not get divorced. I will not repeat any poor decisions made by either of my parents, I will enjoy my marriage, be open, honest and communicate. I feel like my marriage is as strong as it is because of what I learned from my parents divorce. I also believe it is strong because God is the center of our marriage and church and following Him is a top priority.

Oct. 6 2001 -
Where do I even begin with this one? Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes and my heart just sank in my chest. This was the day that I lost my best friend and to this day, I still hurt about it. *Tay (name changed for certain reasons) did not have the easiest of lives. She moved to Warsaw to live with a family in my church - her foster parents. I don't remember us really hitting it off, though we may have, but I do remember that we did end up with an amazing friendship. This girl was seriously one of my best friends. I could tell her anything, we had so many inside jokes that even today I chuckle at times thinking about how she would respond. She really helped my though my parent's divorce too, she was there for me to talk to and enjoy time with. But then she started dating someone and I got mad, jealous and in my stupid high school mind decided it would be good to pick a fight - STUPID idea. We stopped talking, avoided each other - for well over 6 months. Some how - and I still don't remember how - we started talking again. The summer of 01 before I went to college, we served at church camp as counselors together for 4th grade week and we were mostly back to our old ways. We didn't talk much, college had me busy and her schedule at school was pretty busy as well. I went home on Oct. 5 for a quick overnight trip and has just gotten back to college when a call came from Marilyn (she worked at the college I attended) telling me to call her immediately. I called her and she came to my dorm and met me in the common room to give me the news. Tay had been in a car accident - and had went to be with our Lord. To say I was devastated would be a complete understatement. She was only 17, just started her senior year - it was SO UNFAIR. We had finally gotten our friendship back and she was gone. I miss her, so much, she'd love Parker. Through all of that though, I learned to enjoy my friendships even more. I have never picked a fight again - I'd like to think of Tay as a guardian angel. She is one of two pictures I have on my visor in my car - the other - my miracle boy.

May 29, 2008 -
Well, we all know what happened here.

I guess I share this with you to tell you that I have learned a lot. My faith in God has grown in the past 11 years - and while there are many things I have left out, I can honestly say that I have learned so much and I do my best to live life to the fullest and fully rely on God. Lessons I have learned through just these 4 incidents I shared and many more I haven't, I have done my best to grow out of them.

I feel strong and loved and like I have so much to offer.

So, when life hands you lemons (whatever they are) do your best to grow out of those lemons. Make lemonade - or lemon shake ups. God knows what he's doing, even if we don't get it. It's not really our place to get it, God asks us to trust and have faith and we should do that.

God's good, even in all the hard stuff.