Anxiety

Just the word gives me anxiety. My problem is, I am REALLY struggling it right now in regards to some things.

First, Parker! I am anxious about his therapy and that he will never ever talk. I am anxious about his allergies - the more he's started eating, the more I see reactions to wheat, which I know he has a mild allergy too. He basically breaks out anytime he has something wheat related (like his current addiction, cheese toast or oatmeal). It shows up around his mouth and goes away with in a couple hours. He doesn't seemed bothered by it, but I don't want it to get worse. I called his Dr. and we now have an appointment in 2 weeks with one of his associates who happens to be an allergist. To me, that's actually kind of nice, I don't have to have to go to a different place for allergist appointments. Ali - I believe you might know this certain dr...you like him right?

Parker's main therapist M was here today. He did pretty good, she's impressed with what he can do. She worked with him on stacking blocks and 2 step things...he did good! She let us borrow some peg puzzles to work on with him. It's his speech that causes the most anxiety - or stress I guess. I just feel like at times it is so pointless to sit there and have him try to repeat you or you repeat everything he says. Yet, at the same time, I see small improvements here and there!

Second, I scheduled a dr.'s appointment for myself. I hate doctors...seriously, if there was a phobia, I would have it and if there is one, I am sure I would be diagnosed with it. For me to have a consistent dr is a big deal. I have had my ob/gyn for almost 2 years now - that's huge. If she could be my dr for everything, I would do it in a second. But sadly, no such luck. Drew and I have lived here for 4 years and I have yet to have even just a family doctor for us. A lot of that stems from my fear of them. The funny thing is, I haven't always had this fear. In Indiana I had a family doctor I loved - but I can't exactly bribe him to come and be my dr. again and I don't want to move back to Warsaw just for a dr. The last family doctor I had was so mean and rude to me...and I haven't wanted to go one since. She basically "yelled" at me for being overweight. The whole reason I had gone to her was to get help and suggestions to lose weight and she turned it around and made me feel guilty for being heavy. Who does that? I left her that day bawling and never went back and decided that doctors weren't for me. But recently, I have been realizing it would be nice to have a consistent Dr. rather than going to urgent care all the time. So I dived in and asked a special friend about her dr and she talked to me about him and the practice he works for. Both Drew and I have an appointment with a female dr in that practice on Nov. 12. We are getting physicals - what exactly do these include? I think the last time I had a physical was in high school. So if anyone knows what they do, I'd like to know. I am really anxious not knowing. I do know they do a blood draw - which let me tell ya, I am so thrilled for NOT! But what else? I just don't want this dr. to be mean to me. I am scared that I have some horrible serious disease that they will find. The fears are endless.

I have anxiety about some other things too (like dentists....I didn't even like having to be there to pick Drew up when he had his wisdom teeth taken out last year).

I think I worry too much! No, I know I worry too much.

Oh and an update on little man's hands - they are all better. They still are sorta red where the new skin is growing, but he is completely unbandaged and using them fully. He is terrified of the oven now - when I open it he screams and cries. I am glad but sad that it took him burning his hands to get that way.

Hope you like my new look, my friend Heather did it for me! She's awesome!

Momma Don't Preach...

I don't even know what to write. I am choosing to distance myself from a situation that has sucked me in and started ruling my mind. I am mad at myself for getting sucked in, I am angry that I chose to stare at the computer all day - I am moving on...moving past it...life goes on...na na na na - life goes on!

MOVING RIGHT ALONG

So, about this being a mom thing - have you ever wanted to just quit. Just pack a bag and take off for an hour and breath? I am kind of at that point (AND NO I WOULD NEVER LEAVE P alone!). Parker has been a challenge as of late. I think my doctor thinks I am nuts for the call I made to them yesterday...

See Parker has been waking up every night for the past week at about the same time screaming. Normally I would just let him cry it out. But this scream is a blood curdling, "I am in pain, someone wants to kill me scream". He does it for 10-15 minutes and finally calms down, I let him have a bit of bottle and put him back down! All better. So I decided to call the doctor and ask them what to do. Their response - you're doing all you can and should do - REALLY? that's your wonderful doctor studied-for-a-million-years medical advice. They basically said it could be teeth, gas, growth spurt, but it's obviously not something they can go in and test with blood tests. Well that's good!

I also asked them about his eating problems. He won't eat anything except his bottle. So much for that cheese I bought! Actually, today has been better - he ate really well and again the dr. said I was doing everything right and that it's a toddler thing. Nice.

And again I ask, where the heck did I put P's owner's manuel? It had to have been misplaced somewhere - right?

Kids are complicated.

And also, why don't people tell you that toddlers are a challenge. My mom never gave me any great advice. I should have known that I would be challenged daily, frustrated, ready to pull my hair out daily. But NOOOOO, I think it's gonna be all sugar plums and perfectness that Parker will be the exception and be the perfect child that can talk by 2 months and do everything on his own by now. Ha! Totally not true.

Man, this mom thing is hard!

Clearing out my head, talking to myself, things like that.

First of all, I am so so excited! Today we went to Babies R Us to find an umbrella stroller for Parker. We don't really need our bigger one anymore and for our vacation in a couple weeks, we want something more compact. So we went in praying we'd find something affordable, durable and decent. We had had one on our registry at one point that was 130 some dollars, but we really wanted to try to keep it under 100 if we could. Well, we did, the stroller we bought ended up being on sale, marked from 139 to 99 and we got 10% off because it was the last one they had! I love it, it's cute and nice and totally perfect for Parker!

I was just reading some of the reviews on it from the Babies R Us site and I am struck that there are some negative ones. One, I find more funny and complain-y then helpful, was a lady saying that she couldn't maneuver it, that the wheels got stuck and she couldn't push it with one hand while holding her child. Maybe hers has some problems, but I pushed Parker around the store in it and I didn't have any issues. Sometimes I wonder about the reviews, ya know? anyway, it's going to be awesome to have something smaller and more compact on our trip!

On to other things:

Speaking of our trip...if May 11 doesn't get here soon, I may go crazy. I just really need to get out of here. Out of this house, this city, this state; away from bills, and laundry, and my cat, and grocery lists and negativity. I need a break so bad. My patience is worn thin, I am about to fall in to a quick sand of anger and frustration and depression. I want to get away, go to Tennessee, meet relatives, take my son to Gatlinburg, hike, get a sun tan, no strike that, knowing me it will be a burn. I am so ready to go, well except that I have like no summer clothes that fit me. Need to find some shorts or something. I have my packing list all ready, I have Parker's stroller, just need to get his new car seat. If May 11 doesn't come soon....oh boy am I in trouble.

I am struggling right now in general. I struggle to enjoy Parker's new found crawling and standing up on things expertise. I thought it was going to be awesome, but I don't know. I think I worry too much. If I didn't worry about every little fall, every little bump or bruise or this stupid H1N1 (which seriously is a dumb name) flu. Why do I worry, I mean really, what's the point in it? I worry about everything, I worry people will judge me and hate me and make fun of me (for what, I don't know!). I worry Parker's little falls will result in a concussion or scrape - a Scrape, big deal right? I worry about Drew, the stress his job is currently causing because of changes that (if you ask me) seem kinda stupid, then again, I am not an Apple employee. I am a worry wart (or as Drew says, I have cancer of the worry!)

I am struggling with my family. I love my family, don't get me wrong, but I really am hurt at times by them. There are certain people in my family that hurt me more than others. Let's just say they are emotionally unavailable. I want to say that I believe they care about me and my family, but at times, I truly wonder. It hurts, to feel like I can't turn to them or that they don't want anything to do with me. In the back of my mind, I know they do care and want to have a relationship, but it's hard to put in the effort when you feel it's all for nothing. I don't know...I just have some deep scars, wounds, seeping boo-boos in this area.

I struggle with my faith and relationship with God. I believe in him 100% - its more about my daily, personal walk with him - or lack there of. I keep telling myself, I am going to start doing daily devotions, read my Bible more, pray, and then I just don't. I am sure if I did have that time, I would feel better. I did decide to get a book from the library, it's called "Ordinary Mom, Extraordinary God" - have any of you read it? It sounds good and maybe it will give me some hope and peace and get me on the write path.

I struggle with personal bubbles. I live in one, I won't lie. (This I think goes back to my fear of rejection and judgement.) I desire so much to put myself out there and get to know other's - especially neighbors. I don't have a play group anymore, which is sad, because it got me out of the house. I want to find something to do. I know one goal of mine is making baby lap time a priority and weekly event. I want to get to know my neighbors here, many have young children and I think it would be nice to be able to just walk over and play. But I am scared too. Most have already existing relationships and I don't want to come in and ruin them.

Sigh....

I just feel heavy and burdened and drained and tired and blah! Very blah! I should go now and work on finishing the lesson for Sunday, especially since Parker is asleep!

Thanks for listening. Sorry I don't have more happy things to post about right now!

10 Things I Wonder...

Today, I have alot on my mind - mostly things I wonder!

1. How did my baby go from this:


To this:


My baby is 11 months old today, I cannot believe it!

2. How do I not lose my mind now that my little man is crawling everywhere and pulling up on everything?

3. Why does Parker always seem to find the hardest surface to pull up on? And how many times can he fall and bump his head before the kid gets a concussion or something?

4. How afraid should I be of the swine flu?

5. Does Jack Hanna live in Columbus since he is our zoo director?

6. Should I go to the library today?

7. Is my son going to say "kitty" before he says "mama"?

8. How do I not over pack for our Tennessee Trip? I don't want to go overboard, but I also don't want to forget anything since we will be gone for a week.

9. Why did I just call my cat Parker?

10. Why do I love blogging so much?

The Preemie Reality

Have you ever had one of those days where things are going great and then all of the sudden one thing changes your mood? Yah, well, me too, and that was my Friday.

Friday I got a call from P-town's* occupational therapist. She is a sweet lady and has been following Parker's development since day one! We went in a few weeks ago for his most recent follow up appointment and she was impressed with how well P-town was doing. He was in the average points value for his adjusted age! That's good! But she was concerned with his muscle tone and how he has a tendancy, ok, not a tendancy, but a almost consistent way of tensing his legs and body. Now, don't get me wrong, he can bend his legs, arms, ect, but more often then not, he will tense up while sitting, standing (he does this with support) and such. For example, most babies, when they sit, will sit with their legs bent in some way, Parker automatically puts his straight out and tenses them. Anyways, like I said I got a call from "K" friday, she was reviewing his file and writing his letter to Dr. D and to "S" our Help Me Grow case worker. She said that she wants him to be evaluated and start some physical therapy for a few months. It's really to help with his tone, but when I heard that, I became negative Nancy and worrisome Wanda and now I am in a mood.

For whatever reason, I can't seem to get out of the haze that is my Nancy-ness and my Wanda-ness. If I really think about it, this isn't that big of a deal, he's not getting speech therapy or physical therapy because he can't walk or something. It's just to help him loosen up and such. I should be happy and thankful that he has this opportunity, but the Nancy in me is thinking it's the end of the world and that my son has issues and the Wanda in me, well she's just a pain in the rear! She has me thinking that he will never be "normal". What a liar that wanda can be! And the Denise in me, the Denise and me knows that hey, this is the reality of a preemie, some have more challenges than others and I am thankful that his seem to be little in comparison to other preemies out there. The Denise in me know that this is my reality now, my focus, the focus of other's is helping Parker to be the best he can be and to catch up with his actual age.

The reality is this: preemies face challenges, big and small. Some preemies spend time on oxygen, some have heart problems, some need speech therapy, other's deeper physical therapy. It's the life of a preemie parent to focus on you child, head to appointments, remember you child is only "this" age developmentally, ect. The reality is, our children, our beautiful preemies are special and require more care than children born at full gestation. My hubby's brother was born with many physical disabilities and his mom and dad's reality was taking care of a son who was confined to a wheel chair, with few words, a little movement and had many many hospitalizations. Like them, I have a reality too, the reality that, my son is small for his actual age, is viewed as an (almost) 11 month old, but developmentally is 8.5 months old, he requires more "work", he has 1 tooth and he will be one next month, he takes meds daily...ect.

That's my reality - I am a preemie parent - A PROUD ONE! I love and adore my son. Of course I wish that he had been born in August and that I didn't have this reality, but can't change that. God blessed me with a son born 11 weeks early, a son that will require some more attention. Most days, I feel blessed and humbled by this reality, some days though, like friday, I feel cursed. I cry sometimes realizing that this is what I will be working with for a while, but the truth is, Parker WILL catch up and years down the road, I will be able to tell him his story and share all that I was able to learn. God knows what he is doing and why, I just need to trust that. God has taught me lesson thus far and I can only imagine what He has planned for me.

Parker - if you read this many years later, know that I am honored and blessed to be your mommy. I love you more and more each day. I am only human and I have unfortunately human emotions that can challenge me. I am proud of you an all you have overcome in these past almost 11 months and I can only imagine how much you will overcome and accomplish many years down the road. You teach me every day, you make me smile and you are worth it all!

I really hope this post has not come out insensitive or whiney or negative to any of you. I certainly didn't mean it that way. I think it may be a way for me to vent, to let my emotions work themselves out. I am thankful that Parker has not had some of the challenges he could have and I certainly do not want to make those who do think I have it worse, I know I don't!

Just a reminder, our March of Dimes walk is this Sunday, there is still time to donate! Click the purple box on the right side bar to donate!!!

*P-town is turning into Parker's newest nickname thanks to my friend Amber! I have been saying it more and more recently!

Writer's Workshop

It is time, once again for MamaKat's writer's workshop! Today's prompts are:
The Prompts:

1.) Describe a New Year's where you would have been better off just staying home.
2.) What do you do that drives your mother crazy?

3.) Share your favorite gluten free recipe (hey, so what if I rig the topics to suit my life...)

4.) Close out 2008 with your own TOP 10 list!

Stop by her site for all the rules!!!

Top 10 Things I Learned in 08
(these do not relate to Parker/birth/pregnancy)

10. I make one heck of a turkey!
9. I learned that I should not attempt to open a bottle of wine! (Then again, maybe it was because it was the first time I had!)
8. I am stronger than I give myself credit for.
7. I can shop on a budget!
6. Aldi's was made for me!
5. I am addicted to made for tv movies (Hallmark and Lifetime anyone!?)
4. I am in love with blogger! I should have started a blog like this forever ago. Blogger rocks...no more xanga for me (well except to read those who still have it!)
3. I am addicted to blogging, reading other blogs, and doing things like writer workshop
2. Never put your milk in the back of the fridge (it freezes - or at least it did for me!)

And the number 1 thing I learned in 08, not related to Parker is.........
God is and will always be good!

Top 10 Things I Learned in 08
(these ARE related to Parker/birth/pregnancy)

10. I still hate hospitals!
9. Even if you have needles stuck in you every three to four hours for 5 days....NEEDLES STILL SUCK and hurt and I still want to gag when I see them.
8. Sure, that porcelain throne in the restroom looks all shiny and fun, but it is, in fact, not fun to have to stare into the bowl of it over and over and over!
7. God gave us doctors for a reason...and they care about me and my son...that's cool.
6. I am not alone in having a preemie and I am so fortunate to have made many friends who understand this battle!
5. More comes out then what goes in...seriously....how does one kid eat SO much and still have 4 times that amount come out. Of course, that could also be related to his reflux...well no, cuz it doesn't come out the bottom end like that :/
4. I love pregnancy clothes, seriously, they are stinking comfy!
3. Babies should REALLY come with manuals. (especially when you start solids...)
2. Parker has the best daddy in the world.

And the number 1 thing I learned in 08 related to Parker

I am SO blessed. I have an amazing son who means everything to me and I can't believe the amount and kind of love I feel for him.

Now it's your turn, go on over to MamaKat's site and get started. You can pick all or one of the prompts! Enjoy!

Oh and HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! 09 is looking fine!

Quick Parker Update

Well, I ended up having to take Parker in to Dr. D tonight. He decided to projectile vomit all over me and our carpet so I called the Dr back and he wanted to see him right away. We got there, got back and Dr. got to see him. He definitely has a virus of some sort. I guess there is one going around right now, but the Dr. said that really, Parker is doing well considering! He isn't dehydrated and is actually showing good signs of hydration (could of fooled me). Basically we can't really give him anything for this, it just has to run it's course. Of course we still need to watch out for a fever or blood in the stool or vomit, but from what the Dr. can tell, Parker will likely have a couple of hard days and then be ok. He has to be on pedialyte right now since he can't keep formula down, and honestly, he can't keep anything down. But the pedialyte is doing to do a better job of keeping him hydrated.

So just pray for us, especially Parker, that he can get rest and he can beat this icky thing. Oh and it looks like Drew is sick too with same type of issues, just more adult-y. So I have two sick boys and I am sick from worry...like seriously my stomach is in knots.

Thanks, I will keep you all updated!

"Cancer of the Worry"

Thought I would share this with you! It's our christmas card!

**edit** Talked with Dr.'s assistant, he basically said that as long as Parker isn't running a fever, doesn't have bloody stool and is still eating, this should all run it's course. I really hate this, this is so hard, and I am in tears. I can't stop just staring at him and checking on him every few minutes. Please pray for me and him! **end edit**

Ask my husband and he will tell you, that I am the BIGGEST worry wart ever. He tells me all the time that I have "cancer of the worry" and that it is good at flaring up. I am great a conjuring up all sorts of silly things in my head and getting myself convinced of so much. I hate that I do it and I really truly do try not to do it, but boy is it hard to break a habit that just knows me so well.

Should I tell you? Well sure, I supposed I should...my cancer of the worry is flaring its terribly ugly pain in the booty head right now. Actually it has been all week. It all started Monday: Parker had diarrhea all day...it was full blown blow out kind. So many outfits got "stinky" all over them. Tuesday, things were turning around. His "stinky" wasn't runny, but it sure wasn't its normal consistency. Dr. said that there is a bug going around and as long as his "stinky" doesn't turn bloody and he doesn't have a fever, he should be ok. Also, to keep an eye on his eating habits. Well I have been. And he's been normal other than the diarrhea issue. Yesterday he was pretty normal in the "stinky" area, but today, it's back pretty bad. So of course I have myself convinced that he is going to die or something. I don't know, you just get all these "watch out for this" and if "this" happens make sure to call a doctor. (I should note that I am calling the doctor right now to ease my worry!) I mean what are they gonna do, yell at me for calling? See that's another thing, I convince myself that the doctor is going to think that I am a worry wart too and not want to talk to me ever again!

What is with my worry-wartness? (What a terrible word!) I am sick of being such a hypochondriac, ok so maybe I am not actually one, but would that explain my constant worry? I just want to do what's best for Parker and I want to be a good parent and keep up with him and his health. I don't want to worry, I don't like to worry, believe me, it's way too stressful! I just can't seem to shake it and it's been so much worse since Parker's birth. I don't know if it is because he is a preemie or if it's a normal mom reaction. But everything worries me when it comes to Parker. I really just want to be a great mom and be there for him. I don't want to let him down. I deal with feeling that when I think about his birth and being sick, I can't deal with more mommy guilt. It's just going to make me sick and frustrated and depressed.

Ok, so I think I am going to pray now...mind if I do it on here with all of you? No, well good, and if you said yes, then tough cookies!
God, I really need some peace right now. I am all worked up and worried about Parker and I just want to do what's best for him. Lord, help my conquer this crazy "cancer of the worry" that I have and help me trust you more. Lord, be with my little man, heal his body if he is sick and help him to not get even more sick. God, I just really love you and I love this baby you gave me and I want to do what is best for him. God, I love you, thank you so much for what you have given me! Amen!

There I am better now. Well, kind of anyways. Please continue to keep Kayleigh Freeman in your prayers. She is battling hard and doing her best.