Thursday, August 13, 2009

Because He Loves Me....

I am going to be honest for a moment - I am having a flare up of my PPD. This allergy stuff with Parker/just general lies of satan have really really been getting to me recently. Sunday, we finished up our sermon series on Psalm 23 and we ended with a discussion on God being enough. I am really really good at forgetting this. Our pastor shared a song with us that his wife put in the cd player in the car. What the pastor says just really gets me, it's not even the song - it's both really, but especially what the pastor says.

Right around the 1:25 minute mark is what I am talking about. It really hit home for me. I seem to think that God only loves me if I am perfect or only if I am good. I love when it says, "He won't love you any better if you become better..." I mean, I figured, God will only love me 100% when I am 100%. But it doesn't matter...HE LOVES ME BECAUSE HE LOVES ME BECAUSE HE LOVES ME.

I am trying to live that out and remember that daily, but I am not going to lie, it's so hard. satan lies to me, he plays on my negative frailty. He knows when I am at my lowest and makes me feel even lower. Why do I listen to his stupid, pathetic lies. Well because when I am down at my lowest, I believe anything.

See, I thought that my PPD had gone away. I can't even begin to tell you how happy I have been. I even attempted (in June) to wean off my meds. But when I got to my lowest dose, I could not function. I had no engery, no desire to do anything and I neglected poor Parker. I quickly called the dr. and decided that it would be best to stay on. It scares me, to know that I need this pills right now, ya know? But I know that I need it and I am working though it. I see now that my PPD is not gone! Yes, I am generally happier and much more normal, but there are things that trigger my intense feelings of sadness.

Recently, as I said above, it has been dealing with Parker's allergy stuff. I am so mad that he may have allergies, because I don't want to deal with having to work around them. How completely selfish is that? I feel like it's the worst thing ever, but I know it's not. It just allergies, he can be on meds, he could grow out of some of them. While at this point we still don't have his results, it doesn't matter, it can be worked around. Also recently, I have been really hard on myself. I hate how I look, I hate my body, I hate my hair...I just hate it all. And I know God loves me how I am - looks and all. I also know that He made me this way for a reason, but I am tired of it. I have desires to be able to shop at Target and fit into clothes that aren't followed by x's. I want to be able to go into the Gap and enjoy the outfits there. I want my hair to not be so thick and annoying.

And then Sunday comes around and pastor shares the cd of the above video. Wow, I mean talk about a reminder. Monday night I have a melt down about parker's allergies and such and my husband shows me this:

I mean really? It's like God is orchestrating something here. Two songs that really really hit home for me and help me. I get it...

- He loves me because he loves me because he loves me - no matter what.
- He is jealous for me...really, he is jealous for me, lil' ol me! Wow

Thank you God, for loving me - faults, sadness, and all!


Carrie said...

awww, Denise, we all go through seasons like this, and watching our children go through health problems that aren't fun for them or us can really cause pain. And, yes, sometimes it's because they're inconvenient for us. I'm glad God is encouraging you through His word in song this week & hope you feel better soon! Only a couple weeks until we get to meet - I hope! :)

Ali said...

Love and prayers, Denise.

And just some thoughts that come to my mind:

I don't know why you weaned off the meds, but I know a lot of people do so bc they want to be able to "be" without them. PLEASE don't allow the fact that you are on medication be another way that Satan lies to you. I am on medication for allergies. My father is on medication for a bunch of stuff. My sister is on medication for headaches. My mother is on medication for heart disease. And that's just my little ol' family.

PPD is NO different. If my mom stopped taking her meds, she would put herself at greater risk for serious illness. If I stopped taking mine, I'd be a sneezy, miserable mess most days. And if my sister stopped taking hers, she would hardly be able to get out of bed because of her migraines. My point is that physical or mental illness - it doesn't matter - medicine can be a lifesaver.

Also, I want to share a neat story with you about my dad. He has CRAZY allergies and asthma. He has been on tons of allergy meds forever. Coincidentally, he has had some life-threatening circumstances (nothing related to his allergies), but his allergy medications have nearly saved his life. It just so happened that his allergy meds benefited him when he was having a near-fatal reaction to medication (like I said, he's on a ton of meds).

Just remember that God has a greater plan for Parker, one that you might never understand. And Parker has allergies for a reason. I can imagine it is terribly hard as a mom, but God is in control!

I love you, and I simply wanted to share all that with you. Keep us posted on Parker's results.

Marla Taviano said...

I love you, too. Mine's not an unfailing love like His (darn it), but you don't have to be perfect for me to love you. :)

And thanks for loving me when I'm not perfect too!

Cheryl said...

Wow. I can totally relate to your post. I was just newly diagnosed with possible PPD (a lot of contributing factors are included in my depression) and I was totally nodding my head in agreement. I'm so sorry you're going through this, but, really? IF the pills make US better mommies, then that's what has to happen. ((HUGS)) if you ever need to talk, feel free to e-mail me anytime. xoxo