Just Call me Frank Blunt

I am going to be frank and I am going to be blunt.

There are days, that I feel completely overwhelmed...I mean so stinking overwhelmed to where all I want to do is hide in the closet, snuggled in a blanket and cry. I just feel like, how on earth could God entrust this child to me? I am one of the most impatient, easily irrtible, hot tempered person (not all the time, I promise..and some of you are like, what not you?!) So then why must my child have acid reflux? I mean, oh man, some days I just want to put a cork in him. I just sometimes lose patience and get really nippy....at my 6 month old.

So I am overwhelmed...
But also I feel....
defeated
like the worse mom ever
frustrated
alone
sad

I feel like because I feel all these things I am being defeated. Satan is seriously attacking me. (He tends to do so...I think he should just go sit on a hot ember!) I mean, talk about negative attacks to my mind and heart. Talk about guilt trips galore and worry galore, doubt galore. I mean, this stupid dude knows every single stinking button to push and guess what....today, in fact, right now, he is pushing it. Oh man, there goes the, "if you keep being honest, then your friends will hate you" button. Guess what Satan....you just need to shut up! Oh but he is loud, no? I have guilt trips all the time, mommy guilt I call it. Oh man, I hate it, but I battle it DAILY! And I always worry about things...and that leads me to getting it into my head that something bad has happened or whatever. I doubt myself as a mother sometimes too...ok er, all the time.

Mother guilt, doubt and worry all lead to me feeling like the worst mom ever. I hate that feeling. I hate that there are days that Parker makes me want to go live under a rock. there are days when all this stuff is reeling in my head and I get short and I get upset and I can't enjoy my son and that is not right. Deep down, I know that I am a great mom, I have helped my son out so much and he counts on me and I do what I can, but I don't often look deep enough. There are times that I resent my dear boy. I feel terrible for that. I guess I think about last year, how I could go out whenever, hang out with people as long as I wanted, my house was clean and semi-(not at all) organized and things were just dandy. Now it's hard, I am constantly wandering through the maze in my living room, washing bottles, making formula, getting spit up on, cleaning up baby spit, picking up toys. I can't go out without him often, and going out with him is such a chore. I miss it just being me and Drew. I don't think I am really used to it being the 3 (er make that 4 - the cat) of us yet. Does this make me selfish?

Currently, I am beginning to mourn that my pregnancy ended the way it did. It just seems so unfair. I missed out on so much and for that, I am ticked. it's just not fair, ya know. I am really mad and hurt and upset about it, still...6 months later. I just seriously don't understand it. What did I do wrong and why do I feel like it was a punishment? I don't think most of you can understand these hard feelings. I mean, explain to me why I went in for a pain in my side and ended up with a preemie and in the hospital...it's not fair. I mean, I really don't want to be mad at God, but I can't help it too. I know he does things for a reason and yah, I know there are certain ones for me and yes I can point them out, BUT I am human and I have these feelings that I fight. I feel like my pregnancy just - well - died. One day I feel my son kicking inside me, the next, I was in some of the most terrible pain I have felt and my son was lying in an incubator growing outside me. For this reason, I am TERRIFIED of getting pregnant again. I am terrified of "marital relations" again. Because I REALLY do not want to go through this again and I may and I may not...and that's frustrating, to not know if it would happen again or not.

I need to regroup and pray and pray hard. I need to cry and I need to know that I am normal and not insane.