Saturday, November 22, 2008

Just Call me Frank Blunt

I am going to be frank and I am going to be blunt.

There are days, that I feel completely overwhelmed...I mean so stinking overwhelmed to where all I want to do is hide in the closet, snuggled in a blanket and cry. I just feel like, how on earth could God entrust this child to me? I am one of the most impatient, easily irrtible, hot tempered person (not all the time, I promise..and some of you are like, what not you?!) So then why must my child have acid reflux? I mean, oh man, some days I just want to put a cork in him. I just sometimes lose patience and get really my 6 month old.

So I am overwhelmed...
But also I feel....
like the worse mom ever

I feel like because I feel all these things I am being defeated. Satan is seriously attacking me. (He tends to do so...I think he should just go sit on a hot ember!) I mean, talk about negative attacks to my mind and heart. Talk about guilt trips galore and worry galore, doubt galore. I mean, this stupid dude knows every single stinking button to push and guess, in fact, right now, he is pushing it. Oh man, there goes the, "if you keep being honest, then your friends will hate you" button. Guess what just need to shut up! Oh but he is loud, no? I have guilt trips all the time, mommy guilt I call it. Oh man, I hate it, but I battle it DAILY! And I always worry about things...and that leads me to getting it into my head that something bad has happened or whatever. I doubt myself as a mother sometimes too...ok er, all the time.

Mother guilt, doubt and worry all lead to me feeling like the worst mom ever. I hate that feeling. I hate that there are days that Parker makes me want to go live under a rock. there are days when all this stuff is reeling in my head and I get short and I get upset and I can't enjoy my son and that is not right. Deep down, I know that I am a great mom, I have helped my son out so much and he counts on me and I do what I can, but I don't often look deep enough. There are times that I resent my dear boy. I feel terrible for that. I guess I think about last year, how I could go out whenever, hang out with people as long as I wanted, my house was clean and semi-(not at all) organized and things were just dandy. Now it's hard, I am constantly wandering through the maze in my living room, washing bottles, making formula, getting spit up on, cleaning up baby spit, picking up toys. I can't go out without him often, and going out with him is such a chore. I miss it just being me and Drew. I don't think I am really used to it being the 3 (er make that 4 - the cat) of us yet. Does this make me selfish?

Currently, I am beginning to mourn that my pregnancy ended the way it did. It just seems so unfair. I missed out on so much and for that, I am ticked. it's just not fair, ya know. I am really mad and hurt and upset about it, still...6 months later. I just seriously don't understand it. What did I do wrong and why do I feel like it was a punishment? I don't think most of you can understand these hard feelings. I mean, explain to me why I went in for a pain in my side and ended up with a preemie and in the's not fair. I mean, I really don't want to be mad at God, but I can't help it too. I know he does things for a reason and yah, I know there are certain ones for me and yes I can point them out, BUT I am human and I have these feelings that I fight. I feel like my pregnancy just - well - died. One day I feel my son kicking inside me, the next, I was in some of the most terrible pain I have felt and my son was lying in an incubator growing outside me. For this reason, I am TERRIFIED of getting pregnant again. I am terrified of "marital relations" again. Because I REALLY do not want to go through this again and I may and I may not...and that's frustrating, to not know if it would happen again or not.

I need to regroup and pray and pray hard. I need to cry and I need to know that I am normal and not insane.


Ali said...

Normal? There ain't no such thing.
Please remember that your teeny tiny baby boy is THRIVING, and YOU made that happen. God gave you a preemie that is surviving and not still hanging onto dear life in the NICU.
I am so sorry that you struggle with the demons in your head - it isn't fair, and I'm praying that God's army is fighting a hard fight against them.
You have come such a LONG way, and I greatly appreciate your frankness. Love you.

angi said...

Tell Satan to get off your back - seriously & out loud. SOmeone once told me to do that, and I honestly felt the weight begin to life immediately after saying it.

Also, you are not alone. Many Mothers feel this way, and not enough of them (us) talk about it with each other, but it is true. I struggle with the Mommy guilt thing too, infact, just this week I had a breakdown because of it. Your post reminded me that the negativity could be the enemy, he does know where to kick you when you are down...

Mel said...

Here's what I believe for what it is worth.
I believe God has big shoulders and can take you being mad at Him. Just don't stop talking to Him.
I believe you are a strong and wonderful mommy just from having read your blog and your desires to be a good parent.
I believe it is absolutely NORMAL AND REASONABLE that you would not want the worry and pain and struggle that came with this pregnancy to happen again.

Many many mommies, ME included, struggle everyday with holding our tongues and keeping our words kind. It is very stressful, so don't kid yourself! Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy!!!! Sometimes I wish I could just explain to my 6 mo. old twins that I am going as fast as I can, so they will stop crying.
One of my girls had pretty bad reflux too and it is so scary. She choked all the time on it and it was so scary. But I think (and HOPE) that you will find that Parker's reflux will get better this month, with the start of cereal and his age and doing more sitting etc.
Also, remember to be kind to yourself and forgive yourself and allow yourself to START over from the moment you lost it.
M from Oklahoma