Monday, April 19, 2010

Feeling Really Crummy

Here's a forewarning - this is not an upbeat, positive, Deni post. This is a raw emotions, dealing with satan, hating his darn lies, needing some prayer and love kinda post. I am battling lies of the dark one and I am praying that God gives me the strength to work through them, but like all humans, I struggle, if I didn't, then I wouldn't be who I am. So if you aren't in the mood to read a Debbie Downer post, then please, stop now.

Satan has been attacking me where it hurts most recently. In the insecurity/failure department. Oh, he knows which scabs to pick at that trick little butt head (yah, I went there.) I have always, always had problems with insecurity. I grew up with a lot of friends, but was also hurt a lot by different ones and my insecurities and feelings of being used and undervalued grew and grew. It also doesn't help that I would be stupid and hurt my friends sometimes. I hate that I have done that, but I can't go back and fix everything, there is a reason the past is the past. But I have large scabs in my soul from these times. So you can probably understand why there are times I get down and wonder who my real friends are. I don't need you to tell you are. Believe me, then I will just feel guilty because you would think that I thought that you weren't. Truth is, I have some great people in my life and yes, I believe they are my friends, but one little lie can cause me to go into a downward spiral of "everybody hates me..." attitude.

I have been dealing with that.

Also, I hurt a friend with miscommunication recently. See, sometimes I don't think before I speak. It's something I have always struggled with and has caused probably a lot of the friend issues I have had. Anyways, I said something and this friend completely took it the wrong way (and I get how she would, I would have). We have talked about it and worked through it and hugged it out and cried, but of course, no, I feel like a failure. I feel like we will never be as close again because it did hurt her and she's been hurt a lot in the past. I certainly don't want to be another hurt in her life. I want to be someone she can come to, turn to, confide in.

I have been dealing with that.

I feel like a huge failure. Not sure specifically why. Just that I am.

I am freaking out, because a friend and I are shooting a wedding this weekend. I am scared to death I will fail with it. Though the bride and groom our friends of ours and they very much understand we aren't professional. But I also don't want to ruin their special day.

I just feel down right now - depressed - and it sucks.

Pray for me?


Marla Taviano said...


Ali said...

Praying for you, Denise.

And please don't take this as a 'just trying to make you feel better' compliment, but I'm not kidding when I tell you that my sister and I were talking about you yesterday afternoon.

We were talking about how thankful we are that Amber & Cindy have you so that they can go on vacation or go out of town without worrying about Kids Community. You have it down to a science, and it ran beautifully yesterday. And I know how appreciative they are for the break. As you know, it can be hard to go to church and have to "work." And that you and Amber and Cindy can all help each other out is such a blessing. Thanks to you, that aspect of Vista is a complete success!

Anonymous said...

praying for you and for the photography this weekend!
also, thanks for my hug at church this weekend, you are a blessing to my life
and, ali was right, we were talking about how great it is that Vista has you!
and, you are right, satan is a butt head!