Feeling Really Crummy

Here's a forewarning - this is not an upbeat, positive, Deni post. This is a raw emotions, dealing with satan, hating his darn lies, needing some prayer and love kinda post. I am battling lies of the dark one and I am praying that God gives me the strength to work through them, but like all humans, I struggle, if I didn't, then I wouldn't be who I am. So if you aren't in the mood to read a Debbie Downer post, then please, stop now.

Satan has been attacking me where it hurts most recently. In the insecurity/failure department. Oh, he knows which scabs to pick at that trick little butt head (yah, I went there.) I have always, always had problems with insecurity. I grew up with a lot of friends, but was also hurt a lot by different ones and my insecurities and feelings of being used and undervalued grew and grew. It also doesn't help that I would be stupid and hurt my friends sometimes. I hate that I have done that, but I can't go back and fix everything, there is a reason the past is the past. But I have large scabs in my soul from these times. So you can probably understand why there are times I get down and wonder who my real friends are. I don't need you to tell you are. Believe me, then I will just feel guilty because you would think that I thought that you weren't. Truth is, I have some great people in my life and yes, I believe they are my friends, but one little lie can cause me to go into a downward spiral of "everybody hates me..." attitude.

I have been dealing with that.

Also, I hurt a friend with miscommunication recently. See, sometimes I don't think before I speak. It's something I have always struggled with and has caused probably a lot of the friend issues I have had. Anyways, I said something and this friend completely took it the wrong way (and I get how she would, I would have). We have talked about it and worked through it and hugged it out and cried, but of course, no, I feel like a failure. I feel like we will never be as close again because it did hurt her and she's been hurt a lot in the past. I certainly don't want to be another hurt in her life. I want to be someone she can come to, turn to, confide in.

I have been dealing with that.

I feel like a huge failure. Not sure specifically why. Just that I am.

I am freaking out, because a friend and I are shooting a wedding this weekend. I am scared to death I will fail with it. Though the bride and groom our friends of ours and they very much understand we aren't professional. But I also don't want to ruin their special day.

I just feel down right now - depressed - and it sucks.


Pray for me?