Sunday, November 14, 2010

The Hot Mess in Me

I make a practice of not blogging on the weekends - but tonight, tonight I simply need an outlet. I need a place to get out some feelings, some thoughts, some junk. My heart, soul and mind are tired, they're being pulled in a billion different directions and I am feeling discouraged, discontent, unsettled, confused and impatient.

I don't even know exactly what all is making a mess in me, but I do know I am longing for answers. I am longing for a complete and utter push in the right direction; that flashing light that says Hey You, come this way....this is the RIGHT WAY.... alas, no luck. 

There is where faith comes in. Faith that God's got it all under control, it's all good, it's cool - yo! After all, God does know what my life will look like 5, 10, 15, 50 years from now...but let me say this, I hate not knowing, I hate waiting for clarification and obvious direction.

It's exhausting. Simply down right, exhausting.

I think I know where he's leading, the more I, we pray about things in life, the more certain things become definite No's, Yes's and maybe's. There are a lot of maybe's...or perhaps' or you'll see's. Can you just let me know...know it all. That would make life boring, right? 

I am discontent, I am running on empty, losing control...just in need of a break. From it all. Parker. Marriage. Work. Life....I want to go to a spa - have a day to myself or a week, whichever and just have time to cleanse, to breath, to be me, enjoy quiet and enjoy just being still and knowing HE is God.

I am feeling unable - unable to be the appropriate mom for Parker. Unable to be the perfect (or just good) wife. Unable to be the best friend, daughter, relative. Unable to keep up with who I am becoming. Unable to keep losing weight (do you know how bad I want Chipotle....). Unable to serve. To keep up. Just simply unable.

This is where I need to rest in the arms of my heavenly father who does not let me go. Why is that so incredibly hard?

Pray for God just give me some peace and "quiet". 

I know all will be figured out and God will give us the correct directions and that He will sustain me....

For now, I am gonna relax and head to bed....

Thanks for letting verbally up-chuck on you.


Ali said...

Praying Romans 15:32 for you, Denise. I love you, sweet friend.

Charlotte (Life's a Charm!) said...

Blogging is such a effective tool - to vent out! I don't know exactly what you are going through but I hope you find your comfort soon.