Monday, March 30, 2009

Running on Empty

You know what, I am not even going to lie to you right now because the truth is...I. FEEL. MISERABLE. Not sick, no, but d-o-w-n down down down. I am empty and if that weren't enough, my heart is aching for a blog friend that has given me so much hope in the past (and still does.)

Tonight at life group we talked about God, his anger and his kindness. It was based off yesterday's message at church and the verse Roman's 11:22 "Consider therefore the kindness and sternness of God: sternness to those who fell, but kindness to you, provided that you continue in his kindness. Otherwise, you also will be cut off." Our pastor gave the illustration of God holding us in his hands and how with just one swift movement, he could let us fall when he is angry. Thankfully though, we are the recipents of God's passionate patience! He sent his Son to satisfy his wrath, so that when we sin, his wrath his satisfied and he extends us Grace and is patient with us! Seriously, that is awesome.

Tonight we talked about struggles and God's anger and why we sometimes just don't call out to Him, or we only see Him as kind, not angry. One of the points we talked about was our struggles and the hat that we put on God (like "The God who Provides".) How we don't see him with all his hates, as the almighty and all powerful God we love.

As we were talking, I shared what was on my heart - emptiness/stuck in a muddy mess. I feel empty, 100% empty. I am spiritually empty, physically empty, emotionally empty, empty in my purpose, empty in my friendships..empty empty empty. I feel alone too, which makes it all that much worse. I no longer have a play group, I was asked to step down from my position for some things (that I didn't agree with) and because of this, I left the group. So my time that used to be filled up with hanging out with all these women has not turned into me sitting here at home watching TV or movies or napping, all while Parker naps or plays. Because I feel so sad and empty, I stay in and hide and push away from others. I have a lovely life group and I am thankful for each family in it. I consider them all close friends, but for whatever reason, I can't move out of myself to say, "Hey, M, can we talk?" Or "Hey, S, want to get together at the park?" I fear being a burden and or rejection, so I don't stand up and say, hey, I am lonely I want to hang out - let's get coffee.

Along with the emptiness, I feel stuck. I don't know what I want to do, what I should do, what God is telling me to do. I don't feel like I can hear Him or talk to him about me and my junk. I don't know how to explain it all.

And to add on to that, my heart is just so sad for MckMama and her dear sweet Stellan. My heart is broken for them as they face these trials with his heart and though I know her only through blogging, I wish that I could just go hug her and help her out. I have been praying for them daily (see, I can pray for others but not myself!) and I just feel so sad for them.

I guess what I am saying is please pray for me. I am in such a funk. I really need some peace right now!


Heatherlyn said...

Of course I will pray for you.

I am concerned about baby Stellan, too.

You know, God hears you whether or not you pray outloud. But it is pointless not to pray to Him, since the praying is more for us anyway. Sometimes God can't give us things until we ask. But, sometimes, God gives us exactly what we need even when we don't have the guts to ask. He knows us so well.

I was in a funk for a while, on and off, for like, several years. I finally went to a doctor who took me seriously. I was on the lowest dose of lexapro for 6 weeks and I can't even tell you the difference it made. I guess that meant that there was something in my body out of balance that needed to be balanced back out. But after that 6 weeks I've been fine. Don't underestimate what stress, and anxiety, and lack of sleep and hormone changes in your own body as a result of having a baby can do to you! Sometimes, it really isn't just you! I know that we want to solve our own problems all on our own, but sometimes it is OK to admit that something is seriously in need of readjusting! Sometimes it isn't your fault!

Amy B said...

You know I think we all have been where you are at one time in our life and it is not a good or comfortable place to be. In fact for me it is a bad cycle..the more I feel bad the less I do..the less I do..the more I feel bad. I is a hard thing to break out of. I have no magic words. But I will pray for you and I do care. I will always listen...I am a email away...
Take good care of you...get some rest and take baby can do this..I will be checking back with you.

Ali said...

Definitely praying.

It doesn't help that motherhood is the toughest job there is. We are exhausted and drained all for our children (who bring us great joy), but at the end of the day, we still feel like we accomplished nothing.

I'd still love to crash your next get together with Crissy. Please let me know when I can meet you ladies for coffee or lunch or whatever!

Carrie said...

I'm in a sort of overwhelmed, purposeless funk now literally happens to me once a month, and corresponds with my cycle. I'm sorry for all of the difficulties with your playgroup. I have really been blessed by a MOPS group at a church about a half-hour away from me here- I'm sure in Columbus, you could find a good MOPS group, and meet some new friends there. It is more informal, and your kids are in childcare, so I find it easier to be social there.

I will be praying for you, and of course for Stellan! Thank you for sharing your heart - it's an encouragement to know that someone else is going through the same things, too!