My 2 Year Old

It hardly seems possible but today my miracle baby turns 2. I am not entirely sure where the heck the time went, but I am so thankful to have been his mommy for 2 years. I can still remember well his birth day. The emergent nature of his birth, being wheeled into the operating room, Drew leaving me at the door, people working around me to prep me, the lights, the sounds, the smell. In the corner a small isolette. It all is still so real in my mind.

2 years and here is where my little man is at...He is 20lbs, he is 31 inches tall. He's been following his own growth curve nicely and is healthy - despite being small. The Dr. is happy with his development. He is now caught up with his chronological age in all areas (except for speech - but he's only a very little behind there.) He is my whole world, the center of the attention and the perfect example of a 2 yr. old. Parker is being switched to a toddler bed. He talks, walks, runs, eats, and is a little man. He's a little human. He sure has come a long way from 2lbs 3ozs!

Wow has the time flown. I look forward to year 3 with Parker. I am sure it will be challenging, but I wouldn't want to do it with anyone else.

Parker,
I love you so much my little miracle man. You are the light of my life. I am so blessed to be your mommy. I love you :)

                                           Parker: May 29, 2008, 2lbs 3ozs, 14.5 inches long

Parker - May 29, 2009; 15lbs, 27in. long

Parker: May 29, 2010 - 20lbs, 31inches long

May 2008 Hand Pictures

May 2010 Hand Picture

May 2008 Hand on Back

May 2010 Hand on back

May 2008 With BearBear

May 2010 With Bear Bear

And of course our yearly Trooper picture (sorry it went blurry :()

You have come a long way buddy! I love you :)

The Rewards of Parenting

So I am currently addicted to this new show, Parenthood, on NBC. It follows the Braverman family As they each deal with different aspects of parenthood: The Mom and Dad - dealing with their kids/grandkids, Adam and his wife Kristina who's son was just diagnosed with Asperger's and a daughter who's going through the teen angst, rebellion stage; Sarah who just moved back to the area with her two teen children, living with her parents, trying to start over; Julia and her husband Joel - he's a stay at home dad, she's a lawyer and her daughter and her don't really connect well and Crosby, who just found out he has a 5 yr. old boy.

This last episode, Crosby and Adam have a heart to heart about why parenting is rewarding and what if you don't feel something for your child. I loved it and it made me think about what feels rewarding to me. But first, here's the scene - WARNING - there is one cuss word used.



What makes parenting rewarding to you? To me even?

I came up with just a brief list of what's been rewarding for me...in the past almost 2 years.

- He knows I am his mama! Seems simple, but sometimes I don't allow myself to feel that. I can remember very distinctly one day when I went into the NICU and Parker had had a bad morning - within minutes of me being there and having my hand on his back (even at that tiny 2 lbs stage and just newly born) his numbers improved and his breathing got better. That was one rewarding moment. For all the stress of the couple weeks he was in there at that point, that moment, knowing that MY SON knew me and calmed down - that was rewarding.

- Each new milestone! I think most parents would think this is a rewarding part of being a parent, seeing your child(ren) hit a new milestone. For me, I think it goes deeper. I was so concerned for most of the past two years that Parker would never catch up and be "normal", but man each time he hit a milestone - whether it was walking, talking, eating, ect - the rewarding feeling I felt was unmatchable. Even today, as he sat with his speech therapist and she said he had at least 2 months left, I felt rewarded knowing that though he is "behind" on his speech, he is meeting his goals they set.

- Watching them accomplish something! As a parent, we teach our children how to be good people, do everyday tasks and for me, it's rewarding to see when Parker gets it. Today, he put on his own pair of pants, granted, he had trouble pulling them up and he had put both legs down the same pant leg, but still. I left the room to grab some lotion and came back to find him mostly dressed in his pants. Something that I feel like I have talked to him and shown him at nauseum he is know wanting to do and doing on his own.

I love being a parent, and while there are times it's hard (recently - it has been) the good far outweighs the bad. Sure, Parker has his days of anger and tantrums, and his nights filled with night terrors and little sleep and his disobeys and pushes my buttons, but when it comes right down to it - I AM SO GLAD I AM HIS MOMMY! It's so rewarding, even in the hard times and for that, I am so grateful.

I am blessed! So blessed!

A New Outlook

To say that I have a lot of bitterness built up inside about Parker's birth would be an understatement. For as much as I consider myself "over it" and moved past it, I still harbor a lot of anger that his birth happened the way it did. I know, to you, it seems kind of pathetic that I would harbor these feelings, but I think there may always be a part of me that is a little upset with God "allowing" this. I am human after all and I do hurt and I am not perfect.

However - I am starting to get a whole new outlook about it. Was it easy? Um NO! Was it fun? Ha - right. Would I want it to happen again? Nope But the reality is it could. I am at risk, but a maybe slightly lower risk. But I do have a new outlook - it was a lesson in putting full trust in God that I will never forget. I had to let go and let God control the situation. There was simply nothing more that I could do. I had to let go and trust that God would be with those doctors as they took my son out of me and whisked him to the NICU. I had to let go and trust God to give the appropriate knowledge to the Neonatologist, doctors and nurses that worked on Parker and took care of him in the NICU. It wasn't easy. Especially once I was able to see him. I wanted to wrap him up in my arms and hold him forever...be his protector, his doctor, his nurse, his everything, but I couldn't. Besides the fact that I don't have the degree or the knowledge needed, I had to heal myself.

There's been this empty time in my head since Parker's birth. I can remember VERY clearly up to when they gave me the anesthesia. I remember very clearly that last things I heard before I feel into a deep sleep - "I will be here with you the whole time." A nurse named Mary said as she held my hand and I drifted to sleep. I remember hearing voices while in the ICU, but I don't really remember seeing people until my in-laws go there later Thursday evening. There's a few hours that I will probably never know about. The one thing I always wanted to know was what happened during my c-section. Did Parker come out crying, limp, ect? What would it have been like had I not been under general anesthesia? I do know Parker came out crying and kicking - a ton. My OB/GYN has answered that one. He was a little fighter from the get-go. But what about the rest of those unanswered questions? I don't think I will ever know 100% what it was like in the operating room. Drew wasn't in there so he can't answer that for me...but I did have a small glimpse.

On Jan 31, there was a special on TLC. It was called "Special Duggar Delivery" and it was about the birth of their 19th child, miss Josie Brooklyn. She came at 26 weeks and was a 1lb 6oz miracle. You may not like them or agree with their lifestyle, I don't always agree with their views, but for me, to start a total healing process I had to watch this episode. I DVRd it and waited until I had the time to watch it, no interruptions, me allowing myself to feel and watch. I ended up not sleeping well that night and woke up at 2am. I decided to watch it...mostly because I couldn't sleep because I wanted to watch it so bad. I sat and watched it. And let me tell you, it wasn't easy. They showed Michelle's C-section and you know what...it really helped me. I put myself on that operating table and it helped me see kind of what happened during Parker's birth. To see how fast it went, how quickly they got Josie out, how fast they got her to the NICU - I knew in my heart, that's what they did with Parker. And I am thankful for that.

My outlook is changing about this. I will never be thrilled that it happened - who would? But I can learn to look at it now in a positive frame of mind. It strengthened my walk with God, it gave me the most beautiful miracle child, it brought people into my life that I may not have known otherwise, it showed me how a church can love it's members, it showed me that I am way stronger than I give myself credit for. I have been blessed with being able to get to know other preemie parents and helping in their journey. I have learned to really cry out to God. Sure, there are still some negative feelings towards it and to be honest, for as much as I want another child, I am TERRIFIED of this repeating itself. But I know, that God is always here, He will get me through another hard pregnancy if that's what it would be, He knows what's gonna happen in the future, I don't.

I can honestly say, I am thankful that my son was born 11 weeks early. I wouldn't be where I am today if he hadn't been. To look at him now, sitting on the floor, talking to the TV, smiling at me and laughing loudly - it was all worth it. Every single part of this journey has been worth it.

Thank you God for a new outlook!

Journal Journey Wednesday (pt.2 & 3)

***Just so everyone knows, this one will be a bit longer since last week I totally had a brain fart and didn't post! Enjoy - though if you don't read it all - I understand!***

June 14, 2008

"There are days I miss being pregnant. It kind of hurts to know that I'll never have that big belly, the inside out belly button, labor pains, or a vaginal birth experience. I think I really need to mourn this reality - so I can move on and focus primarily on Parker. I need to go home and pack up my maternity clothes - it's hard to walk in my closet and see them hanging there. I also am gonna get rid of my pregnancy books, just seeing them makes me sad."

June 15, 2008

"Happy Daddy's Day!!! Great news, Parker is off CPAP! His numbers are staying up great right now. He has had a couple of brady's but bounces back quickly"

June 16, 2008

"Went to church last night and boy am I glad! I really needed it. I didn't feel bombarded with people or questions, though I talked to so many! I enjoyed the message too! It was about outreach, which is weighing on my heart. Being here in the NICU I feel that I have a lot of opportunity to reach out to others, but I just don't know how to approach them."

June 17, 2008

"Today has been an incredibly hard day...I am so ticked right now - I am pretty sure that I have the worlds worst nurse. She is very unpersonable and has been short with us all morning. It doesn't help because today has started out totally cruddy. I got a call from Dr. W. at 7:30 this morning. Parker had had a rough night. They put him on oxygen and took an xray of his chest and belly. This showed something in his bowel, which could be a possible infection. They have suspended his feeds until they find out what's going on. They even drew blood and put him back on an IV...

(Later that day)
"At this point they don't think it's an infection, but they are waiting on cultures, which will take a couple of days. He will be staying on his nasal cannula. I was reading Marla's book just now and came across this quote:'Our little ones are resilient and forgiving. Our God is a God of grace. These experiences keep us humble and remind us of our need for a Savior. And those angels are always on duty.' Oh how I needed that today."

(Even later that day...)
"This whole thing is frustrating me. I mean besides my growing PPD; I am watching my child struggle. It feels like he takes 4 steps forward and 15 steps back. i feel like we are gonna be in this NICU FOREVER. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I feel my hope just slowly fading away. I see no light at the end of the tunnel. I am doing my best to fully rely on God and trust that He is handling this situation. I really just want to scream out to God. Or maybe even scream at Him. Is it even ok that I am angry? Because I am so angry. I truly do not understand why I am finding myself in this situation. I feel like I am being punished or something. But, yet, I know deep down I am not. The hardest thing is to meet other children and see them thriving when Parker is having all these issues. I keep playing the comparison game. I look over at L and think 'well he's been off Cpap for a couple weeks and is doing well. Parker not so much.' But Parker is not L, nor is he B or anyone else, he's Parker. This is how Parker is, this is his life and his set of challenges - this is what will make him stronger and make him who he is as Parker. It doesn't make it any easier to watch him struggle though..."



It kind almost cracks me up to read these now. Mostly because of my horrible grammar and punctuation. I can look back now at this set of entries and clearly see what God was doing. He grew my so much during that time. I have since learned to lean on Him and trust Him and His will. That hard day I was having on June 17th just shows this to me. At the time, I didn't think I could make it through. I was angry with the rude nurse, scared for Parker, depressed, angry with God, wanting to scream....and now I look at it and clearly see God's leading and His lessons. I won't lie, there are a lot of times now that I struggle to trust, but I have grown to know that that's all I can do at times. And I see what this trusting can do. I trusted God with Parker's allergy tests and they came back mostly great!

God is good and he has a plan for Parker...who knew? - Oh He did!

NICU Terms H-K

***sorry for my lack of posts the past few days - Parker's been sick and we've been busy!***

Heel Stick
Pricking the baby's heel to obtain small amounts of blood for testing.

Hemaglobin
A material in red blood cells that carries oxygen and contains iron.

High Frequency Oscillatory Ventilator
A special ventilator capable of breathing for a baby at rates exceeding those of a normal ventilator (for example, 120 - 1,320 BPM, or Breaths Per Minute).

Hydrocephalus
Abnormal accumulation of cerebrospinal fluid within the ventricles of the brain. It is sometimes known as "water on the brain." Within the center of our brains each of us has two fluid-filled areas called cerebral ventricles. Cerebrospinal fluid is made within these ventricles and distributed over the surface of the brain and spinal cord. When the normal circulation of cerebrospinal fluid is interrupted, fluid can accumulate within the ventricles. This fluid puts pressure on the brain, forcing it against the skull and enlarging the ventricles. In infants, this fluid accumulation often results in bulging of the fontanelle (soft spot) and abnormally rapid head growth. The head enlarges because the bony plates making up the skull have not yet fused together. In preemies the most common cause of hydrocephalus is intraventricular hemorrhage.

I & O (Input & Output)
Refers to the amount of fluids given by oral feedings and/or by IV, and the amount of fluid excreted in the urine or stools.

Isolette
Also known as an incubator, an isolette is a clear plastic, enclosed bassinet used to keep prematurely born infants warm. Preemies often loose heat very quickly unless they are put in a protected thermal environment. The temperature of the isolette can be adjusted to keep the infant warm regardless of the infant's size or room temperature.

Kangaroo Care
Skin-to-skin contact between parent and baby. During kangaroo care, the baby is placed on the parent's chest, dressed only in a diaper and sometimes a hat. The baby's head is turned to the side so the baby can hear the parent's heartbeat and feel the parent's warmth. Kangaroo care is effective, but it's limited to babies whose condition is not critical.

65 Minutes in the Hallway

Today is the first of my guest posts and I have asked my husband to share his side of the preemie experience. I hope that you enjoy his part of the story...

When Denise asked me to write about my experience as a NICU dad and father of a preemie, I knew I needed to accept the offer. Parker is probably the single greatest accomplishment in my life so far. For years I have realized that being a dad is among the greatest honors that I can imagine. His birth, though, was one of the most disorienting experiences possible.

9 days prior to Parker's birth, Denise & I had been to the hospital in the middle of the night because she was experiencing difficulty breathing. During that long ordeal, the diagnosis was the severe heartburn that plagues many women during pregnancy. Her OB, though, did follow up and was paying attention to all of the right things in those 9 days until Parker's birth.

Having set that context, when Denise wasn't able to sleep comfortably on May 28, neither of us suspected what was going to be happening in the next few hours. At 3am, having exhausted all of our ideas for making her comfortable, we called the doctor who referred us back to the hospital. When we arrived at 4am, both of us assumed it would be another short stay in the triage section of labor & delivery for a similar ailment.

As things progressed and we learned the seriousness of Denise's condition, that's when I went into "hospital mode". When I was growing up, my brother, Steve have multiple medical complications that led to routine hospitalizations. Being 4 years older than me, I never knew life that wasn't in and out of the hospital. Personally, I've never been admitted to a hospital, but I've spent significant time around them and doctors' offices. That's led to me having pretty strong coping mechanisms and such for that environment that I collectively call "hospital mode".

On the morning of May 29, 2008, all I knew was that I had to go into "hospital mode" in order to be strong and be there for my wife and soon-to-be-born child. I disconnected myself emotionally from what was happening and was simply "there" for Denise. During the hour or so we had between the decision for the emergency c-section and her being wheeled back into the surgical suite, I simply stood by her bed and sought to comfort her.

When they took her back to surgery, I was unable to go with her. The process of getting me prepped to be in the operating room was going to take too long, particularly in light of the fact that she would be under general anesthesia and that this was an emergency procedure. I was able to walk alongside as they wheeled her back to the operating suite, but had to stop at the big red line on the floor that divides the sterile from open environments. At the big red line, I was introduced to my companion for the next 65 minutes, the bench.

Just outside the recovery section of the labor & delivery surgical suite, there is a bench in the hallway. That was where I spent the approximately 65 minutes between when Denise was wheeled into surgery and when she was taken to the ICU. In those 65 minutes, I sat numbly texting furiously to keep myself occupied. The staff at the hospital was so gracious to me. They checked on me, they offered me snacks, and they updated me on my family. I cannot thank them enough.

Those 65 minutes are the longest of my life. When it comes to my family, I am a doer. I do things. I don't sit by. I have this compulsion to fix things and to be active. For those 65 minutes, sitting alone in the hallway on a bench, I could do nothing.

Finding out that I had a son, meeting him as he was transported to the NICU, walking with Denise as she was transported to the ICU - these are all memories that I take with me from that hallway.

After those 65 minutes in the hallway, I wasn't just a husband, I was a dad too. In the 525 days since then, I have grown, I have spent 69 days watching my son fight and grow in the NICU. I have seen him become a toddler. I have walked in the March for Babies. I have done many things since that time, but it to me is the center of my experience as the dad of a preemie.

Writing about this has been a good step for me. Honestly, I am still working through the emotional side of things from those 65 minutes in the hallway. Much of me is still in "hospital mode" when it comes to that experience. Being the parent of a preemie doesn't stop at a given time, it is an experience that shapes the rest of your life.

If my story has helped you understand prematurity a bit more or even piqued your interest in the topic, please visit www.marchofdimes.com to learn about the reality and see how you can become involved in the work surrounding prematurity.

NICU Terms A-C

One thing I wish I would have studied while Parker was in the NICU were some of the terms I heard on a daily basis. I got used to them after a while and even now - there are times where I have to explain some of these terms. On Tuesday's and Friday's I will share with you some of the terminology of the NICU. I want to do this so the next time you come across someone saying something about being in the NICU and using big words or phrases you may not understand, you will have a resource that will give you the info you need...

(this is taken from ttmf.org)

Adjusted Age
Also known as "corrected age." This is your child's chronological age minus the number of weeks he or she was born early. For example, if your 9-month-old was born 2 months early, you can expect him or her to look and act like a 7-month old. Usually you can stop age-adjusting by the age of 2 or 3.

Anemia
A condition in which the red blood cells in the blood — measured by a hematocrit, or "crit" — are lower than normal. Red blood cells carry oxygen and carbon dioxide to and from tissue

Apnea
Cessation of breathing lasting 20 seconds or longer. Also known as an apneic episodes or apneic spells. It is common for premature infants to stop breathing for a few seconds. They almost always restart on their own, but occasionally they need stimulation or drug therapy to maintain regular breathing. The heart rate often slows with apnea; this is called bradycardia. The combination of apnea and bradycardia is often called an A&B spell.
Apnea gradually becomes less frequent as premature infants mature and grow. There is no relationship between apnea and sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS).

Aspiration
1. The accidental sucking in of food particles or fluids into the lungs.
2. Removal of a sample of fluid and cells through a needle.

Blood Gas
A blood test used to evaluate an infant's level of oxygen, carbon dioxide and acid. This test is significant because it helps to evaluate an infant's respiratory status.

Bradycardia (“Brady”)
An abnormally low heart rate. Bradys are usually associated with apnea in premature infants. During these spells the infant will stop breathing for at least 15 seconds and the heart rate will start to slow, also referred to as an "A&B spell." Gentle touching or other stimulation almost always restarts the breathing and increases the heart rate. Medications (theophylline or caffeine) are often used to treat these spells in newborn babies.

Charge Nurse
The registered nurse who has general responsibility for coordinating the nursing care of all babies in a unit for a particular shift. Nursing shifts may be either 8 or 12 hours.

Continuous Positive Airway Pressure (CPAP)
Supplemental oxygen or room air delivered under pressure though either an endotracheal tube (tube that goes directly into the infant's lungs) or small tubes or prongs that sit in the nostrils. Delivering oxygen under pressure helps keep air sacs in the lungs open and also helps maintain a clear airway to the lungs. Nasal CPAP (NCPAP) is commonly used immediately after removing the endotracheal tube to treat apnea and/or prevent the need for an endotracheal tube and ventilator.

These are ones that I used regularly when blogging or where often uttered in the NICU when I was there. My son was on a CPAP for part of his time...and initially had a lot of Brady's and issues with aspiration. I am still not 100% used to having to use the term adjusted age - which for Parker is just about 14.5 months.

Tomorrow begins my journal journey wednesdays...I look forward to sharing with you what went through my mind as I was with Parker in the NICU each day.

Please know that if you have a question or would like certain information to be posted, I'd be happy to do so!

Not What I Expected

As a women I cannot begin to tell you how thrilled I was when I found I was pregnant in Dec of 2007. Growing up, it was my dream to have children, to love a child, to be a mommy and there it was in front of me - my 2 tests telling me "Yup Deni, you are pregnant!" It was a surreal moment to know that in my belly was a little itty bitty bean that in a mere 10 months would be in my arms screaming - covered in ooky goo but more beautiful than anything.

But, that didn't happen. Nope...not in the least. I won't get into my story at this point, that's for the 17th of November, but I will say this...when I had Parker, it wasn't want I expected.

When you have a baby, you expect to be in labor for hours, screaming for epidurals, yelling at your husband, screaming, pushing, ect (or maybe that's what I expected!) You don't expect to have an emergency c-section and not get to see your baby for 3 days (other than in pictures).

You expect to have that crying child covered in goo weighing in the 5-8 pound mark put on your belly and you cry tears of joy...not this...


You don't expect to have to see tubes in your child, breathing apparatuses on his face, noises going off everywhere and you certainly don't expect for that child to weigh a mere 2lbs 3ozs...



You also don't expect to have to be wheeled to another place in the hospital to see that little bundle of joy lying in an incubator while there are other children just like that around.



And you don't expect your first time holding him will be the day you are discharged from the hospital. You also don't expect to not bring him home with you that day - it's not supposed to be like that.

However, that was my reality and that is the reality (though each person is different) of many today. More than 13 million babies are born too soon worldwide. In fact in an average week in the US 10,440 babies are born preterm of those 1,664 babies are born VERY early. Those numbers are just not what you want to see.

I never thought I would be one of those 10,440 and I certainly didn't expect to be one of the 1,664. I did everything right in my pregnancy, I expected to have Parker in august and go through labor and bring my baby home just a couple days after having him.

But God had a different plan and looking back now I am thankful for that. Having a preemie has made me more aware of what March of Dimes is doing for women and baby everywhere. I have gained more faith and have really been able to work with March of Dimes and other preemie parents to make aware the realities of preterm birth.

I certainly didn't plan to have a preemie, nor do I plan to have another. But I am glad that I can use what I have been through to reach out to others.


-------

This month I am hoping to blog regularly about prematurity and my journey within the community of preemie parents. This blog will give you statistics, information, and I will also share bits and pieces of our journey. I hope to have some guest posts (if you are interested, please let me know), Wednesdays I will share with you some excerpts from the journal I kept during Parker's 69 days in the hospital and much much more.

You don't have to be a preemie parent to blog about prematurity. On Nov. 17th, prematurity awareness day, BloggersUnite wants you to blog the story of a preemie you know or have to promote awareness. You can always add a badge to your blog as well. (See my post from Sat. Oct. 31 for links!)

Be Blessed!

One Year Ago...

My heart is happy today! It's been one year since Parker came home from the hospital and to be quite honest - it seems like it went too fast. I can't truly explain the feelings I get thinking about it. I certainly would never wish what we went through on anyone, but if you've been through it - leaving your child at the hospital for more than the normal amount of time - watching him struggle to grow, wondering if you would ever get to bring him home - you can't imagine the emotions. It's hard and when that day comes to finally bring them home - its awesome...it's a milestone! It's scary though, too, because you get so used to machines alerting you if something isn't right, you have doctors and nurses around to help you and you get sleep at night.

After 69 days in the hospital, I got to bring my tiny turtle, my little man, P-town home. It was scary, but so exciting. The car ride home was funny and scary - we drove really slow...probably should have had our flashers on :) But it was great to have him home, no wires, no beeping monitors, ect.

It's been a difficult 14 months, the things we have been through have not been easy, but I feel strong and like I am a good mom. God has really watched over us and Parker is thriving and that is what's most important.

Happy 1 Year Anniversary of being home sweet boy!

**I want to take a moment to let you all know that I am now the Kids Community Administrative Assistant at Vista! - So Excited!**

Enjoy some picture from last year below:

Happy Stuff

Today, I don't want this blog to be a "Debbie Downer" so today, I am choosing to be positive. It's been to easy, recently, for me to be negative - maybe I get too stressed, I don't know, but I am sick of being negative...today I choose to be positive.

So today, I want to share some happy/thankful thoughts with you.

- I am thankful that RSV season is almost over, I am thankful that Parker was able to receive his synagis shots and I am SUPER thankful for insurance that paid the $3000+ that the shots were! We aren't able to get his last months worth because of our insurance, so we have to basically act as if we just brought him home, no being around sick people, wash hands, yadda, yadda!

- I am thankful for my many many friends! I count myself blessed to have so many people who I can turn to whom I love and love me and my family. I am thankful for the wonderful women I know from church, I am blessed to have a great group that build me up! I am thankful for the new friends I make and the old friends I have and miss terribly at times. I am thankful for my college buddies who know me. I am thankful for you all, you readers out there that I have never met in person and those I have. I am thankful to be able to share my story with you and that you continue to read my blog, even on the hard days!

- I am thankful for my husband. Seriously, the guys is AWESOME! I appreciate how he steps up and helps me and pushes me. I am thankful that he knows me and my heart and soul. I am thankful that he loves God!

- I am thankful for my family. I won't lie, we don't all get along, but I am glad to have such a fun family. Sure, we can let each other down, but I am so glad for them.

- I am thankful that Parker, while born early, is doing SO WELL! We went to an OT appointment yesterday and he is doing great developmentally. He is on track with his adjusted age. There is a little concern with his communication, but the therapist is not at all worried - he makes enough noises and is communicating pretty well! He will babble and talk when he wants to. One thing I have learned with him, is don't push him, he learns on his own! We need to work on his sitting. He doesn't like to sit with his legs bent, which is just because of his muscle tone. He'll get there. He is ALMOST crawling! I am so thankful that Parker is "normal" even if he is small!

Yesterday, after Parker's OT appointment, Drew, P and I went to Riverside to visit the NICU! Surreal doesn't even begin to describe the walk up to the NICU! It feels weird to know that we get to leave with Parker, not visit him there daily. It's been almost a year - which is also insane! We got to see some wonderful nurses! Some who took care of Parker just hours/days after he was born. We got our picture taken so they can share it with others! I am planning on making a special picture present for the NICU as a thank you. They have a wall of different pictures and collages and I want to share our story with others!

I am having a better day today, as is Parker!!! Parker's skin continues to feel like sandpaper, thankfully those the redness is going away! His tooth I think is stuck, it hasn't come out any further - not sure if it just takes time or what. I am not a pro at all at this, so if any of you have any thoughts about teething and it feels like this one tooth is taking forever - please share.

This morning I got together with some of my friends from church for an easter egg dyeing party. It was fun, I love those women and the kids. And I got to meet a new friend - Monica, she is sweet! Parker didn't care much...i tried to let him help me with an egg, he just looked at me like I was nuts!

Tomorrow, Parker and I get to go to the zoo with some other friends. I look forward to it! I feel good getting out of the house and hanging with people. I need to do it more.

Friday is a big day. I have a lot to do before then! We found out Sunday that Drew's parents are coming for Easter! We were thrilled and surprised and hey, it's free babysitting! (Like I would turn that down. Are you reading this Pete and Angela - you get to watch Parker for us Sat. morning!!!) If I know Pete, he's probably jumping up and down in excitement ;) Before they get here though, we are taking Parker to his ped. to follow up on his skin. If nothing else, its more for peace of mind, than anything.

Well, that's all I have for now friends! Hope you all can find the positives today!

Please Help Us Out!!!!

Hello Friends!

Please read the below email I sent out today. If you feel compelled to help out, I would love for you to donate or join our team! You can click on the purple box on the right to donate, or the link the email. Also, please feel free to direct your blog readers here to help get the word out!

Thank you so much! I hope you realize that Parker means the world to us and it because of him that we are doing this!




Hello Friends and Family,

Our family is forming a March for Babies Family Team to help the March of Dimes work towards the day when all babies are born healthy. We are writing today to ask you to join us!

We are forming our team in honor of Parker James Northern our amazing son who was born 11 weeks early oh May 29, 2008 by emergency c-section. Our sweet Parker weighed only 2 lbs. 3ozs at the time of his birth and spent a total of 69 days in the hospital, coming home a week before his original due date of August 12. Those 69 days in the hospital were not only frightening, but had their shares of ups and downs, tears, and uncertainty. While we realize that there may have been no other way to change the outcome of our last summer, we certainly would never want anyone else to go through what we went through. By sharing our story, we hope to remind everyone of the urgency of the mission of the March of Dimes and inspire our friends and family to join our team.

Ours is not the only story of frightening, touch-and-go days in neonatal intensive care with our baby. Premature birth touches half a million babies and their families every year. Babies born too soon are more likely to die or have disabilities. Birth defects pose another serious threat – taking the lives of many babies and cause lifelong disabilities for thousands more. So it’s important for us to help the March of Dimes help moms have full-term pregnancies and healthy babies.

We are doing just that by participating in March for Babies as a Family Team. No one is working harder than the March of Dimes to understand the causes of prematurity and birth defects. March for Babies offers hope by raising funds for lifesaving research, education and innovative programs that offer hope for preventions and solutions for babies born too soon or with birth defects.

We would like to invite you to join our family team: Parker Northern Family and Friends. Our team captain is Parker's mommy, Denise and she would love for you to participate in the march! The march will take place on April 26, 2009 at 10am here in Columbus, Ohio. The walk is a 5 mile walk which you an take at our own pace! If you would like to join our team and walk with us that day and join in our fundraising efforts, please click on our team link below and sign up to be on our team.

If you are unable to be on our team, we completely understand and would like to ask you to consider sponsoring us by donating to our team. Every little bit helps so please donate only what you can!

To donate or join our team, please stop by our family page located at: http://www.marchforbabies.org/627804

One day all babies will be born healthy. But we’ll have to walk to get there! Thank you for your help.

With much love and gratitude,

Andrew, Denise and Parker Northern

Hard Times Lead to Joy!

Imagine if you will, you are pregnant with your first child and you are so excited. You have it all planned out...you know how you are going to organize everything, where everything goes, how their room will be decorated (once you are out of this tiny little one bedroom you are in!) and how you plan to bring them home...oh the utter joy and excitement.

BUT THEN

You're thrown a curve ball. You begin to get ill, very ill and you are in pain, a lot of pain. Before you know it, you are about to make the hardest/easiest decision you have EVER made. Your life will never be the same. Your child is born 11 weeks early, he is a tiny little guy, only 2 lbs. And you, you are in ICU, tube down your throat, horribly ill and completely unaware of what the next 2.5 months of your life will be like.

This was my reality this past summer. It was the quite honestly the hardest time in my life this far. I figured, if I could get through my parent's divorce, the death of a mentor, the death of my best friend...surely I could get through anything. But for the first time in my life I honestly did not think I could make it through this. How on earth would I ever get through the fact my son, my first born, was born 11 weeks early and so so tiny. Add in the fact that I had him Thursday and didn't get to see him until Sunday because of how ill I was.

This is what I saw on the first day I saw him:

He was the smallest thing I have ever seen, so fragile, so tiny, so perfect. How on earth was I this fortunate? But how on earth would I survive the next xxx amount of days he would be living in the NICU?


My life had turned upside down. I was not only ill and recovering from an emergency c-section as well as help syndrome. I was now thrown into this universe that is so completely different then anything you could imagine. I don't even know how to totally describe life in a NICU...it's surreal and scary all at the same time. Every little hurdle jump leads to another hurdle, a bigger hurdle and just when you think things are looking up, just like the snap of a finger, it can change. I became a hermit...daily spending at least 6 hours beside my son's bed, learning the tricks and trades of dealing with a tiny little baby. I became a wealth of knowledge on medical terms I never would have known. I learned how to change out heart monitors and helping to put Parker's CPAP back on and how to sponge bathe this little thing. All the while, attempting to hold it together and hiding in our little corner, curtains drawn, snuggled in a chair.



The estimate they gave on the length of our stay was basically that this little guy would be in the NICU at least until his due date...I couldn't even imagine that. My summer became all about Parker. Wake up, eat breakfast, pack my bag, head to hospital, park, walk to elevator, down the hall, sign in, wash hands, turn corner, eye Parker's spot (B4, then C4, then A13) grab nurse, update, find chair, pull curtain, curl up in chair and just stare. 6ish hours later...home, dinner, tv, sleep...repeat. That was basically my summer. Occasionally I would attempt to do something like shop or get coffee (well in my case, tea or chai) but every time I did that, I felt guilty that I was enjoying myself while my son laid in the hospital.

May became June became July....that's when we had our first "date" of bringing Parker home. However, things changed, eating became a challenge, poor baby had terrible acid reflux. Eating was a challenge, feeding was harder because it just hurts to watch your child struggle. But soon....we found things that helped...Zantac...and a wedge. Within a week of being on the wedge, the 3rd best day of my life came.



AUGUST 5, 2008
-the 3rd best day of my life....(next to Aug. 6, 2005 - my wedding day and May, 29th 2008 - the birth of Parker)

I woke up a hot mess. I was thrilled, excited, scared, nervous, sad, happy. I took the fastest shower of my life (I have since learned, you can shower faster). This was it, the day we were waiting for for 69 days. Drew and I got in my car (my poor poor car...it went to car heaven about a week later!) grabbed a bite to eat at Burger King and swiftly got to Riverside. We pulled out the stroller and headed up for the last walk up to the NICU. I was a ball of nerves. I was thrilled that Parker was finally coming home, but I was terrified.. I no longer had heart rate machines to count on, I no longer had a doctor around the corner or a nurse in the hall to run to. I had to trust my own instincts and take care of this boy without a hospital room around. We got up to his room, everyone was thrilled for us, but sad, because our little critter had become a NICU favorite, NICU pet if you will. We hugged anyone we could, signed paper works and packed up his room. Sadly, we couldn't use a stroller to take him out, so Drew took all the stuff we had accumulated out to the car and packed it up. I stayed with Parker and prepared him for his ride home. We sat him in his car seat...you can't even imagine how tiny he looked. We said our final goodbyes and out we went, accompanied by a nurse who pushed him out for us. (Security!) We savored every moment....his first elevator ride, his first time outside, people said bye as we walked out. I cried tears of joy...this was it...my baby was coming home. No more long walks to the NICU, no more machines, no more privacy issues. He was fully in my care, he was coming home, I was finally a full time mom. We drove home so carefully, talking, laughing, my in the back with Parker shooting pictures and video. Parker, the excited little 5lbs guy he was slept the entire time. We got home and parked in the parking lot. This was it, the 2nd best walk of my life. I got Parker out of the car and took his seat and we walked, up the stairs, around the corner and in the door. He was home, finally home....and my life, my life was complete!








Epilogue
I seriously don't think I have had a more exciting day since and I never would have imagined that I would enjoy such a simple thing. Last summer was, truly, the hardest time of my life, but bringing Parker home, made it all worth it. The past 5 months haven't always been easy, but I am so thankful for every moment I have spent with Parker. I said earlier in this post that I made the easiest/hardest decision of my life on May 29th. I say that because, yes, it was easy to say, "let's save this baby and me by getting it out" but it was so hard because I knew that I was having an emergency c-section, I was going to be completely under because I couldn't have an epidural for the safety of Parker. I knew I would be in the hospital longer than a normal c-section patient and I knew that Parker would be tiny and in the NICU for a while. It was so easy because I didn't want to die and I didn't want to lose this child, but is was so hard, because my life would change. I remember laying in the bed crying realizing what was about to happen. It was then that I decided I would cherish every moment I had with Parker. God taught me so much last summer and I learned the strength that I have. I am so thankful!

And now it's your turn....head over to MamaKat's and choose your own prompt to share. Make sure once you post it on your site, your go back to hers and put in your Mr. Linky.


The Prompts:

1.) Tell us about a memorable blind date.

2.) Other than the birth of a child or your wedding, write about a joyous moment.

3.) Write about one of the most difficult decisions you have made in your life.

4.) Share the best picture you took last month and explain why it's your favorite

Oh and btw I chose 2, but kind of covered 3!

Who Knew

It has been a long time coming, but I have something to admit. I am thankful that Parker was born early. "What?" you say to me... well you heard it right folks, I am glad Parker was born early. God knew exactly what he was doing. God knew why Parker would be in "B4" and that we would find specific connections with the baby in "B3". Besides the fact that Parker and Logan share a birthday, his mother and I share the same cause of birth, while she was not nearly as sick as I was, we both had HELLP Syndrome.

Who knew we would both have sons, who knew we would both have HELLP, who knew that our sons would share the same birthday and was almost the same age gestation wise. Who knew that even though we rarely talked while at Riverside NICU, we would end up texting and emailing and get closer? Who knew?????....

GOD KNEW.

Who knew that Logan and Tabatha would become close friends? Who know that we would walk this road with them and feel Tabatha's pain and happiness? Who knew that Logan would have one of the same illnesses that Drew's brother had? Who knew that we would live with in 5 minutes from each other and find that out tonight while texting back and forth while Tabatha waits for Logan to get to his recovery room so she can see him? Who knew?????....

GOD KNEW.

God knew, God is good like that. I am not going to lie, I have been battling internally for several months with feeling bitter and angry about Parker's early birth, but then tonight....as I was texting with Tabatha, it all hit me all of the sudden, if it weren't for Parker's birth, I would never have met Tabatha and Logan, I would have never met Ashley and McKenna, I would never have met Mike, Melissa and Mikayla. I wouldn't have met Nurse Angela, Nurse Marty, Nurse Debbie and a slue of other nurses and doctors. God has known from before I was born that this would happen and who am I to question his decisions? Especially when they have had such a great outcome. I have grown personally, met some amazing people, made some good friends and I can reach out to others and be a support...be selfless.

So yes, I am thankful that Parker was born early. God is amazing and I am so glad that HE Knew!!!!

Writer's Workshop

It is time, once again for MamaKat's writer's workshop! Today's prompts are:
The Prompts:

1.) Describe a New Year's where you would have been better off just staying home.
2.) What do you do that drives your mother crazy?

3.) Share your favorite gluten free recipe (hey, so what if I rig the topics to suit my life...)

4.) Close out 2008 with your own TOP 10 list!

Stop by her site for all the rules!!!

Top 10 Things I Learned in 08
(these do not relate to Parker/birth/pregnancy)

10. I make one heck of a turkey!
9. I learned that I should not attempt to open a bottle of wine! (Then again, maybe it was because it was the first time I had!)
8. I am stronger than I give myself credit for.
7. I can shop on a budget!
6. Aldi's was made for me!
5. I am addicted to made for tv movies (Hallmark and Lifetime anyone!?)
4. I am in love with blogger! I should have started a blog like this forever ago. Blogger rocks...no more xanga for me (well except to read those who still have it!)
3. I am addicted to blogging, reading other blogs, and doing things like writer workshop
2. Never put your milk in the back of the fridge (it freezes - or at least it did for me!)

And the number 1 thing I learned in 08, not related to Parker is.........
God is and will always be good!

Top 10 Things I Learned in 08
(these ARE related to Parker/birth/pregnancy)

10. I still hate hospitals!
9. Even if you have needles stuck in you every three to four hours for 5 days....NEEDLES STILL SUCK and hurt and I still want to gag when I see them.
8. Sure, that porcelain throne in the restroom looks all shiny and fun, but it is, in fact, not fun to have to stare into the bowl of it over and over and over!
7. God gave us doctors for a reason...and they care about me and my son...that's cool.
6. I am not alone in having a preemie and I am so fortunate to have made many friends who understand this battle!
5. More comes out then what goes in...seriously....how does one kid eat SO much and still have 4 times that amount come out. Of course, that could also be related to his reflux...well no, cuz it doesn't come out the bottom end like that :/
4. I love pregnancy clothes, seriously, they are stinking comfy!
3. Babies should REALLY come with manuals. (especially when you start solids...)
2. Parker has the best daddy in the world.

And the number 1 thing I learned in 08 related to Parker

I am SO blessed. I have an amazing son who means everything to me and I can't believe the amount and kind of love I feel for him.

Now it's your turn, go on over to MamaKat's site and get started. You can pick all or one of the prompts! Enjoy!

Oh and HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! 09 is looking fine!

Happy Thanksgiving, I am so Thankful!

I got this at LolCats!

(I apologize ahead of time for my horrible grammer and punctuation...I was writing this through tears of joy and a very messy mind of clutter!)

Well friends, first of all, I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving and that you have a ton to be thankful for!

As for me, I am so thankful for so many things this year.

1) First, that my son, while born early, is healthy and happy and home and handsome and perfect and mine, all mine! I will never fully understand (and I may never fully accept!) why my pregnancy ended so suddenly and why my son was born 11 weeks early. But when I hold him and he smiles at me, it doesn't matter. He is the most amazing thing ever, he has seriously changed my life, for the best. Through out the 69 days in the hospital, I don't know how many times I lost it, but looking at that amazing face, those beautiful blue eyes and eyelashes that go on for a million miles, it didn't matter. To think that God created that little man, inside me and gives me the daily strength to love him and be the best mommy I can be. Even if I am down, or upset or frustrated or just need an hour away. Parker is my light, my life, my love and I can't wait to see what this next year has in store!
2) For my husband, who was there for me in May, spent every night in my room, spent countless hours loving on Parker when I couldn't, held my hand when I would cry, loved me unconditionally and reminds me everyday I am worth it and beautiful. Sure we may fight, or get frustrated, but at the end of the day, I always know I can count on him. He never lets me down (well not on purpose) and he just makes me so happy. Thank you baby for loving me!
3) For having a Savior and heavenly Father who are always there for me and even when I may be upset and get mad, I know they love me, no strings attached. My faith has grown a ton this year and I have learned to rely on him. I am learning that he will take care of me and honestly, I am so sad that it took me 25 years to get to this point! But I am thankful that God never gives up on me.
4) For a church family who means the world to me. Those in my life group who have helped me and encouraged me. For those who provided me with food during the recoop. time after my c-section, rides to and from the hospital. To the food provided during the first two weeks Parker was home and I was losing my mind. For those who love me, no strings attached and who make me feel special. I can't even begin to express how fortunate I am to be in a church that makes me so happy. I can wake up in the worst mood, not even want to go to church, and by the time I am half way to the nursery, I am so happy. I just love my church, my church family and how much I feel loved and cared for.
5) I am thankful for my family, even if we don't always get along. I am loved tremendously and that is more important. I am thankful for my parents, grandparents and my siblings.
6) I am thankful for all my friends....every one of them. Each one holds a special place in my heart, and I love all of our inside jokes. I am thankful for my friend Jennielle who is hosting Thanksgiving tomorrow!
7) I am thankful that I have a roof over my head, food in the fridge (ok, well, what little is in there that is!), clothes to wear, warmth!
8) I am thankful for the connections I have made through the blogging world. I have some friends that I am glad I met. I am glad and thankful that I can be a testimony in many preemie parent lives.
9) I am BEYOND thankful and grateful for the doctors, nurses, and staff that have helped me with my pregnancy, birth and after that. My OBGYN, is amazing and I am glad that I found Dr. M, she is awesome. I am so thankful for the NICU staff that loved on my baby and helped him out those 69 days. There are many nurses there that I will always have a life long connection with and that I will love dearly. To our primary nurse, Angela, you may not read this, but thank you, For the countless hours you listened to me, hugged me and let me cry and for loving Parker as your own. To other nurses, M, D, K, C, P - thank you. Thank you for those of you who were there when I made the VERY tough decision to not pump anymore and to being there when I was scared! To the doctors who helped parker in the nicu, thank you! To Dr. D our ped. THANK YOU for understanding that I am a nervous mommy and never making me feel stupid! You all have seriously touched our lives and I look forward to PArker getting to know you all! To Nurse Mary, who held my hand as I lay on the operating table and who said the words I will never forget before my c-section, thank you! You're words comforted me!
10) I am just so thankful.

Would you believe that I am currently bawling? You know, I never wish on anyone the scary experience Parker's birth was, but I am thankful for it (as I said above.) I am so scared it will happen again, but thankfully, right now, i don't need to worry about it! It's so funny how God teaches you, ya know? I am deeply thankful this year for so many things and while it took something as scary as Parker's birth, I will never allow myself to not appreciate it.

God, thank you for all you have taught me this year! You amaze me! - Amen -

A Visit To Parker's 1st Home!

Today was quite a day! First of all, Parker had to go to a follow up appointment with OT at Riverside today. They basically wanted to see how he has developed and what track he is on. For his adjusted age - 3 months - he is just above average, so he is doing GREAT! For his chronological age - 5 months - he is behind, but really we are more concerned about his adjusted age. We have some exercises to work on, especially with sitting up (he should be doing this soon on his own!). Also, his hips are faced out rather than in because he slept on a wedge for several months, so we have some exercises to help them start to turn inwards! All in all though, good visit!

Afterwards, we decided since we were across the street, we would visit Parker's first home - the Children's Hospital NICU at Riverside. Can I just tell you how surreal it was to wheel Parker through the walk I did many many times while he was there. It was so just surreal because I mean, this time, this time he is with me, he isn't staying and I took him in of my own free will and got to take him home that same day. I wanted to cry. This place changed my life, these people changed my life! We got to see some old nurses and others who were always there for us! The receptionist that actually pushed Parker out when we took him home was there and was so excited to see him. We got to see some other nurses and friends and it was great! I hope to take him back again when he is even older and make sure to keep in contact with this place!

Parker is doing great and I am so proud of him and his development and I am realizing, hey, I am a pretty good mommy! :)