In which a title doesn't explain it...

God is really working in my life right now and while it took me FOREVER to see it, I am so glad I finally open up my eyes to all the good things he is doing. A couple weeks ago I wrote about issues I was going through and made you all sit here and wonder, what the HECK is up with her, and if you didn't...oh well! Well, little did I know God was doing something - he's always doing something - and I tend to be completely blind at first. Who isn't?

First of all, lets say those issues - GONE! Even better than that - it was all in my head! YES! I knew I was going crazy! :) It's so funny to me now, looking back, a lot of the issues with the issues were created by me - not stepping up and listening when I should have been. Yah, I like to think I am in charge - but God has other plans.

I have realized a lot over the past 2 days that God has really blessed me! I mean I knew it but now, now I KNOW it...and all it took was a sermon, 2 bonfires and an email! :) (and a partridge in a pear tree).

Pastor Mike's sermon this sunday was about God rocking our world. He discussed Act 16 - in which Paul and Silas were in jail. It really hit me as Pastor Mike talked about how they waited. Waiting for me - well lets say I am not a waiter...I am impatient...yet here this innocent men are, in jail, and rather than giving in and giving up and walking away, they waited. I mean...they could have just been like, "ok God, seriously, we are SO over this.." but they didn't. They waited until God has accomplished what he wanted and then they left. Pastor Mike brought up the thought, ya know, after the earthquake the doors were open....P and S could have just left while the guard slept - but nooooo, they stayed, they waited. WHAT? I mean, awesome. I have to admit, God has really rocked my world in my life...and I will also admit that there have been some incidents in which I did not wait...and I regret that. But the times I stayed and waited and saw what God had in store - man, they did rock my world. This sermon seriously just hit me...in a good way.

Sunday evening was the Vista staff bonfire at our friend's the Webbs. God opened up my eyes during the bonfire. See, these are people that most of the time I only spend time with at church or church functions. For example Pastor Mike's awesome wife - see I have only ever seen her at something church related - rather a actual sunday service, choir practice or program. It was cool for me to see her in a new way - like any other women...I am so used to her being the illusive Tammy Smith, wife of the pastor...but I tend to forget she's just like me. It was good for me to see her and others in the relaxed environment. As I sat with these amazing people...it hit me, God has placed some amazing people in my life...I am VERY fortunate. I left that evening very content and thrilled to call these people my friends.

Then last night...bonfire #2. This was with my old life group. And once again I realized - I have been blessed with amazing friends. It was great to see Parker playing with the other kids and friends. My son has some very special friends in that group. I am so glad he is going to grow up knowing them. The bonfire last night made me miss that life group...i mean, it seems like this group has been through a lot together and these are friends that I will have for a long time. We have invested in each other a lot and it's good to know that we all connect well. Once again - God showed me what I hadn't been seeing.

Then this morning - I received an email. I am not sure if I have posted it on here, but I have been praying for a while to make friends in my apartment complex. See, this complex is full of young families and we have lived here a year now and I knew no one really. I got to know the couple below us a bit, but they moved out in June and I ended up feeling very lonely. I didn't know anyone, I was too shy to put myself out there, even though it wouldn't have been that hard. Well about a month ago, maybe a little longer a new couple moved in below us. They have a little boy and I decided to take them some cookies when they were moving in. We talked a bit and introduced ourselves to each other. Then nothing - we didn't really see each other much and when we did, it was more of a hi - bye deal. After we got back from vacation in Sept. they brought us some cookies and thanked us for welcoming them. Then again - nothing...hi-byes. Until last week. I was sitting here watching some Tv and Parker was napping - there was a knock on my door. It was S, the mom, asking me if I would like to go on a walk with her and her son. Parker was napping, but I told her that once he woke up, we'd join her. We went on a walk around the complex and got to know each other. We discussed maybe hosting play groups with some others in complex and evening getting together to have dinner. I emailed her to thank her for the walk and invite her to my Mommies and Munchkins group and didn't hear back from her. I tried not to let it bother me, but it did and I felt like maybe I had made a bad impression or something. Well this morning I got an email from her. She was genuinely happy to meet me and wanted to try to get together weekly to talk and what not.

I don't know why I sit here blind to God's provisions and blessings and direction, but I am going to start watching and looking for those opportunities more.

God is like cool and stuff!

Clearing out my head, talking to myself, things like that.

First of all, I am so so excited! Today we went to Babies R Us to find an umbrella stroller for Parker. We don't really need our bigger one anymore and for our vacation in a couple weeks, we want something more compact. So we went in praying we'd find something affordable, durable and decent. We had had one on our registry at one point that was 130 some dollars, but we really wanted to try to keep it under 100 if we could. Well, we did, the stroller we bought ended up being on sale, marked from 139 to 99 and we got 10% off because it was the last one they had! I love it, it's cute and nice and totally perfect for Parker!

I was just reading some of the reviews on it from the Babies R Us site and I am struck that there are some negative ones. One, I find more funny and complain-y then helpful, was a lady saying that she couldn't maneuver it, that the wheels got stuck and she couldn't push it with one hand while holding her child. Maybe hers has some problems, but I pushed Parker around the store in it and I didn't have any issues. Sometimes I wonder about the reviews, ya know? anyway, it's going to be awesome to have something smaller and more compact on our trip!

On to other things:

Speaking of our trip...if May 11 doesn't get here soon, I may go crazy. I just really need to get out of here. Out of this house, this city, this state; away from bills, and laundry, and my cat, and grocery lists and negativity. I need a break so bad. My patience is worn thin, I am about to fall in to a quick sand of anger and frustration and depression. I want to get away, go to Tennessee, meet relatives, take my son to Gatlinburg, hike, get a sun tan, no strike that, knowing me it will be a burn. I am so ready to go, well except that I have like no summer clothes that fit me. Need to find some shorts or something. I have my packing list all ready, I have Parker's stroller, just need to get his new car seat. If May 11 doesn't come soon....oh boy am I in trouble.

I am struggling right now in general. I struggle to enjoy Parker's new found crawling and standing up on things expertise. I thought it was going to be awesome, but I don't know. I think I worry too much. If I didn't worry about every little fall, every little bump or bruise or this stupid H1N1 (which seriously is a dumb name) flu. Why do I worry, I mean really, what's the point in it? I worry about everything, I worry people will judge me and hate me and make fun of me (for what, I don't know!). I worry Parker's little falls will result in a concussion or scrape - a Scrape, big deal right? I worry about Drew, the stress his job is currently causing because of changes that (if you ask me) seem kinda stupid, then again, I am not an Apple employee. I am a worry wart (or as Drew says, I have cancer of the worry!)

I am struggling with my family. I love my family, don't get me wrong, but I really am hurt at times by them. There are certain people in my family that hurt me more than others. Let's just say they are emotionally unavailable. I want to say that I believe they care about me and my family, but at times, I truly wonder. It hurts, to feel like I can't turn to them or that they don't want anything to do with me. In the back of my mind, I know they do care and want to have a relationship, but it's hard to put in the effort when you feel it's all for nothing. I don't know...I just have some deep scars, wounds, seeping boo-boos in this area.

I struggle with my faith and relationship with God. I believe in him 100% - its more about my daily, personal walk with him - or lack there of. I keep telling myself, I am going to start doing daily devotions, read my Bible more, pray, and then I just don't. I am sure if I did have that time, I would feel better. I did decide to get a book from the library, it's called "Ordinary Mom, Extraordinary God" - have any of you read it? It sounds good and maybe it will give me some hope and peace and get me on the write path.

I struggle with personal bubbles. I live in one, I won't lie. (This I think goes back to my fear of rejection and judgement.) I desire so much to put myself out there and get to know other's - especially neighbors. I don't have a play group anymore, which is sad, because it got me out of the house. I want to find something to do. I know one goal of mine is making baby lap time a priority and weekly event. I want to get to know my neighbors here, many have young children and I think it would be nice to be able to just walk over and play. But I am scared too. Most have already existing relationships and I don't want to come in and ruin them.

Sigh....

I just feel heavy and burdened and drained and tired and blah! Very blah! I should go now and work on finishing the lesson for Sunday, especially since Parker is asleep!

Thanks for listening. Sorry I don't have more happy things to post about right now!

Happy Stuff

Today, I don't want this blog to be a "Debbie Downer" so today, I am choosing to be positive. It's been to easy, recently, for me to be negative - maybe I get too stressed, I don't know, but I am sick of being negative...today I choose to be positive.

So today, I want to share some happy/thankful thoughts with you.

- I am thankful that RSV season is almost over, I am thankful that Parker was able to receive his synagis shots and I am SUPER thankful for insurance that paid the $3000+ that the shots were! We aren't able to get his last months worth because of our insurance, so we have to basically act as if we just brought him home, no being around sick people, wash hands, yadda, yadda!

- I am thankful for my many many friends! I count myself blessed to have so many people who I can turn to whom I love and love me and my family. I am thankful for the wonderful women I know from church, I am blessed to have a great group that build me up! I am thankful for the new friends I make and the old friends I have and miss terribly at times. I am thankful for my college buddies who know me. I am thankful for you all, you readers out there that I have never met in person and those I have. I am thankful to be able to share my story with you and that you continue to read my blog, even on the hard days!

- I am thankful for my husband. Seriously, the guys is AWESOME! I appreciate how he steps up and helps me and pushes me. I am thankful that he knows me and my heart and soul. I am thankful that he loves God!

- I am thankful for my family. I won't lie, we don't all get along, but I am glad to have such a fun family. Sure, we can let each other down, but I am so glad for them.

- I am thankful that Parker, while born early, is doing SO WELL! We went to an OT appointment yesterday and he is doing great developmentally. He is on track with his adjusted age. There is a little concern with his communication, but the therapist is not at all worried - he makes enough noises and is communicating pretty well! He will babble and talk when he wants to. One thing I have learned with him, is don't push him, he learns on his own! We need to work on his sitting. He doesn't like to sit with his legs bent, which is just because of his muscle tone. He'll get there. He is ALMOST crawling! I am so thankful that Parker is "normal" even if he is small!

Yesterday, after Parker's OT appointment, Drew, P and I went to Riverside to visit the NICU! Surreal doesn't even begin to describe the walk up to the NICU! It feels weird to know that we get to leave with Parker, not visit him there daily. It's been almost a year - which is also insane! We got to see some wonderful nurses! Some who took care of Parker just hours/days after he was born. We got our picture taken so they can share it with others! I am planning on making a special picture present for the NICU as a thank you. They have a wall of different pictures and collages and I want to share our story with others!

I am having a better day today, as is Parker!!! Parker's skin continues to feel like sandpaper, thankfully those the redness is going away! His tooth I think is stuck, it hasn't come out any further - not sure if it just takes time or what. I am not a pro at all at this, so if any of you have any thoughts about teething and it feels like this one tooth is taking forever - please share.

This morning I got together with some of my friends from church for an easter egg dyeing party. It was fun, I love those women and the kids. And I got to meet a new friend - Monica, she is sweet! Parker didn't care much...i tried to let him help me with an egg, he just looked at me like I was nuts!

Tomorrow, Parker and I get to go to the zoo with some other friends. I look forward to it! I feel good getting out of the house and hanging with people. I need to do it more.

Friday is a big day. I have a lot to do before then! We found out Sunday that Drew's parents are coming for Easter! We were thrilled and surprised and hey, it's free babysitting! (Like I would turn that down. Are you reading this Pete and Angela - you get to watch Parker for us Sat. morning!!!) If I know Pete, he's probably jumping up and down in excitement ;) Before they get here though, we are taking Parker to his ped. to follow up on his skin. If nothing else, its more for peace of mind, than anything.

Well, that's all I have for now friends! Hope you all can find the positives today!

Not Me Monday!

Yes my friends, it is that time of week again! I apologize for slacking on this the past few weeks, but boy do I have some doozey's of confessions for you...as always, stop by MckMama's Blogfor the rules and to read her confessions and other's as well!

What a week it has been...

I certainly did not have myself convinced that Parker had not grown AT ALL between his last doctors appointment and the one last tuesday. And this did not at all lead to me thinking Dr. D would take him from me for poor parenting.

It was not not at all more traumitizing for me then Parker to get his shots. I was not about to barf when I heard that Drew and I are to get flu shots, because it's not like I have a fear of needles and a low pain tolerance. And you would think that I would not not be scared after getting more shots and sticks while in the hospital after Parker's birth.

My son does not at all surprise me every day with how much he is grown.

I did not have to rub P's bottom to help him get some poo out, he did not proceed to almost poo on his mommy! Also Parker did not leak out of his diaper last night and I did not accidently get my finger in it when he was wiggling!

I did not at all go over to my friends house to do laundry because we have to go down to the office and their laundry room to do it. I also did not make cookies there all while talking about our play group. Did I mention that I am NOT desperate to have our own washer and dryer!?

I did not go to the Easton lighting ceremony on Friday, only to be horribly disappointed because it was NOT AT ALL freezing outside and I did not even get to see the tree lit because it did not take forever and the other kids we were with did not scream of hunger and being cold.

It is NOT weird to be watching Days of our Lives and see the actor who used to play Ethan on Passions now as Brady on Days. I did not just totally admit to watching a soap opera! I am not at all pathetic! I also do not sit here and talk to the actors about how dumb they are or scrutinize the story lines. I mean, it's not like it's fake or anything!

I am not obsessed with Once Upon a Child and did not visit it three days in a row. I am also NOT looking for a crib, toy box, bumbo, bath tub and high chair!

I am not wanting to go ahead and put up Christmas decorations today because I am not at all in the Christmas spirit!

I am not wondering if anyone could maybe make me a custom header? Because I am not at all confused on how to do it!

Oh, You Know, Me and Randomness!

more animals

Where did all the warmth go???? Now we know! Seriously, the snow came a little to fast this year, then again...it always comes too fast! I am not a fan of the winter time or the snow. The way I see it, as long as it snows on Christmas, I am happy, the rest of the time, I could do without. Sure, it's pretty and sure, its fun to eat, as long as it isn't yellow and sure snow men are fun to make or even snow angels, but really, other than that...by the first snow flake, I am over it.

And now with a child...oh man it's worse. It takes long enough on a normal warm day, add in the cold and you have a very annoyed me. Also, the fact that Parker is little and at risk for RSV and other horrible terrible things, I dread taking him out in the cold. But then I remember...hey, bundle him up! I am wanting to take him to the Lighting Ceremony at Easton on Friday since a bunch of my play group friends are going (its one of our meetups) and I am terrified of the cold...but I want to go for even a little bit and plan too!

Speaking of play groups, today I hosted an in home play date, it was a photo shoot one. It didn't really go as well as I had hoped. Sure, we all had a blast, but the kids did not want to cooperate. If nothing else, the kiddos got to play and enjoy some food and such (Parker, always the life of the party - slept!) But the girls and kids were here from about 10:30am to about 3:30pm. It was fun, truly. It was good to just talk as mom's! I went sanitizing crazy afterwards (thank you Lysol sanitizing wipes!) And next monday...we are going to wild lights! I am so jazzed, especially since Drew gets to join us!

Tomorrow is Parker's 6 month check up (he turns 6 mths on the 29th). I am so excited yet dreadful of it...excited because now I get to know how much he weighs and have a real answer for people and I should be able to also start cereal with him (keeping my fingers crossed). He was also supposed to start transitioning off his wedge, but that happened about a week ago when I noticed him crawling up it a bit! He does well though on his back! Also, we may be backing off the zantac. The only dreadful part - SHOTS! Not only vaccines...but his RSV shot too (which may make me feel better). I am anticipating a very cranky boy tomorrow! So I think I might lose my mind.

Sorry I haven't update in a while...been busy and such. :)

Blessings of the Week!

Here are my blessing of the week...I want to do this every sunday so that I can remember that even in the dark times, there are always blessings..even in the little things!

1) Parker is feeling a ton better and has been super happy most of the week!
2) I was able to hang out with my friend Jennielle several times this week, which also includes hanging out with my play group friends!
3) I got a mom's night out Friday night, and yesterday I got a mom's day out with my bff Mandi!
4) I got to worship God during choir practice yesterday
5) Church is awesome!
6) Jen - our mission at one of our orphanages in Cambodia was live via Skype today! I love her!


This is just a short list!

Prayer Requests for this week:
1) Parker has his 6 month check up this week (tuesday). I am a smiggin worried about his weight (not that he hasn't gained, but has he gained the right amount). He is getting his shots too, so pray he isn't too fussy!
2) Pray for Jen, our missionary with Asia's Hope that is over in Cambodia right now.
3) Pray for Drew and I, that we both don't get overly worn out.

Scattered Brain

I am at a loss for anything horribly important to talk about today so I am going to make this a scattered post.

 - I can't believe my little critter is going to be 5 months next week. How on earth did he get so old? I adore my son, more than I ever thought I could have. I always knew I would love my children, but whoa baby is this love deep! He astounds me more and more each day. He laughed the other day for the first time, it was amazing...hasn't really done it sense, but he sure smiles a ton. He holds his head up well and I who knows if he is going to start crawling soon, he sure acts like it. Also, I think he is working on sitting up some! I had him on my lap and let go and he sat there for a couple moments before falling forward (no worries, I made sure my hands were there in case he went back! Thinking back to the day he was born, so little, so perfect, a 2lb blessing, now he is so big, so perfect and has tremendously smelly diapers! My little 8lb stinker :)

- I am so excited, today I found out that the FLOWER FACTORY is now doing membership for anyone and it's free. It used to be just businesses and you could get it through your place of employment, or an organization you were a part of. And now for a limited time, they are offering it to anyone. I am going to go in tomorrow or Friday and get it and look around! Oh man am I pumped, it's where we got my baby shower stuff and I got my cafe mocha kitchen clock there!!!

 - My play group is going to help a charity out this winter. It's called Patches of Light and we are going to do their hug bags. I am getting really excited. I think it's a great outreach! I think we may also try to adopt a family for christmas, I need to look into that more.

- I just found out that National Free Burrito Day at Chipotle is Oct. 31-Nov. 1. I am going to be in Indiana, but there has to be a Chipotle in the area we can go to! And all you need is to wear something made out of foil...I am thinking a necklace!

- I am getting really excited for Friday! First, in the morning, I am going to the Open Gym at the Dublin Rec Center. I get to see my friends from church and hang out and talk. Yah, Parker is a bit small, but it nothing else, it's a great time to just connect with others. And then later that night I am going bowling with the mommies in my play group. A mom's night out! I am looking forward to it and my friend Jen is watching Parker!

I am going to bid you a fond ado and enjoy some Gilmore Girls!