Where'd I put that manual?

I think I lost my Parker instructions - darn it.

I don't know what to do right now with him.

Yes, he is a year, but when telling him no and expecting him to listen and understand, is he thinking like a 1 year old or a 10 month old.

How the heck do I discipline him?

I am so frustrated, I don't know what to do, what I am doing and I just want to cry.

And on top of all of this, I am realizing I should probably not have asked my doctor to ween me off of my anti-depressant. My mood has totally stunk lately, I am losing patience and want to cry and scream. I am calling her back on Monday and seeing what she suggests.

I don't know, I just feel so frustrated, Parker is older and there for in the toddler, get into everything stage. I am feeling totally burdened and attacked by Satan. I so want to just cry!

I feel so stuck, confused, alone and on top of it all, I doubt myself, as a friend, wife and mother.

HELP ME!

Dedication, Disappointments and Darn Busy

After a weekend break from my blog, I am back. To be honest, I really had nothing to talk about other than being stressed and tired, but if I am sick of hearing it from myself, I can only imagine how annoyed you all would be! :)

This week is a busy one leading to what I must look forward too - VACATION!!!!!!! I think each day this week I am busy with something. Yesterday, I ran errands -sold some stuff to Once upon a child and then used that money for some summer clothes since I have no capri's that fit. I score two nice pairs and a cute little skirt all for 20 bucks at Clothes Mentor. The skirt was 4 bucks only! YAY! I got to do it without Parker - which was a wonderful break from him! Today, I met my friend Sarah at the zoo and hung out there this morning. It was beautiful 68, breezy, lovely. We enjoyed ourselves. Tomorrow my friend Mandi is coming over and we are doing a photo shoot with Parker! We want to include some pictures with our thank you's from sponsoring us for March of Dimes and I would LOVE to do some in his invites for his birthday! Thursday, I am heading to Jess' house to help her make up the gifts for the dedication on sunday and friday - well I am starting packing for vacation. Saturday, Drew's parents, my mom and step dad get here and then Sunday - mother's day, Parker's dedication...lots of family coming in.

I am really looking forward to Mother's Day this year. One, because this last year as a mom has been hard on me and while no, there shouldn't be a special day for mom's, I plan to revel in it darn it! Plus, what makes it more special is I get to dedicate my son at church. And some of my family will be there and that thrills me. Yet, there is a little disappointment I feel too. While I will have a lot of family, there are some members that just have never said anything to me about it and there is another part that had planned to come, but decided yesterday they weren't going to because of the distance. I guess I should be used to disappointment when it comes to family and things like this. i am more hurt about the people backing out then the ones just not coming. But, I am choosing to remain positive and enjoy having the family I will have and doing something so special for Parker.

Is it bad that I am frustrated that Parker is crawling now? I feel like my baby is gone and now all of the sudden I have a toddler. I want my itty bitty baby back. I am not ready for this. I liked it better when he was smaller. I miss him snuggling with me and just laying in my lap, now he is into everything, making messes, talking, loud. I guess I am disappointed I didn't get a little more time of him as a baby. It almost makes me want to have another baby...but I have every intention of waiting and to be honest, without knowing my risk of HELLP again, part of me is fine with just Parker.

I am going to sign off for now. I hope you all are well. Not sure what my blog will look like for the next couple of weeks...I may be a little bit random in my posts.

Clearing out my head, talking to myself, things like that.

First of all, I am so so excited! Today we went to Babies R Us to find an umbrella stroller for Parker. We don't really need our bigger one anymore and for our vacation in a couple weeks, we want something more compact. So we went in praying we'd find something affordable, durable and decent. We had had one on our registry at one point that was 130 some dollars, but we really wanted to try to keep it under 100 if we could. Well, we did, the stroller we bought ended up being on sale, marked from 139 to 99 and we got 10% off because it was the last one they had! I love it, it's cute and nice and totally perfect for Parker!

I was just reading some of the reviews on it from the Babies R Us site and I am struck that there are some negative ones. One, I find more funny and complain-y then helpful, was a lady saying that she couldn't maneuver it, that the wheels got stuck and she couldn't push it with one hand while holding her child. Maybe hers has some problems, but I pushed Parker around the store in it and I didn't have any issues. Sometimes I wonder about the reviews, ya know? anyway, it's going to be awesome to have something smaller and more compact on our trip!

On to other things:

Speaking of our trip...if May 11 doesn't get here soon, I may go crazy. I just really need to get out of here. Out of this house, this city, this state; away from bills, and laundry, and my cat, and grocery lists and negativity. I need a break so bad. My patience is worn thin, I am about to fall in to a quick sand of anger and frustration and depression. I want to get away, go to Tennessee, meet relatives, take my son to Gatlinburg, hike, get a sun tan, no strike that, knowing me it will be a burn. I am so ready to go, well except that I have like no summer clothes that fit me. Need to find some shorts or something. I have my packing list all ready, I have Parker's stroller, just need to get his new car seat. If May 11 doesn't come soon....oh boy am I in trouble.

I am struggling right now in general. I struggle to enjoy Parker's new found crawling and standing up on things expertise. I thought it was going to be awesome, but I don't know. I think I worry too much. If I didn't worry about every little fall, every little bump or bruise or this stupid H1N1 (which seriously is a dumb name) flu. Why do I worry, I mean really, what's the point in it? I worry about everything, I worry people will judge me and hate me and make fun of me (for what, I don't know!). I worry Parker's little falls will result in a concussion or scrape - a Scrape, big deal right? I worry about Drew, the stress his job is currently causing because of changes that (if you ask me) seem kinda stupid, then again, I am not an Apple employee. I am a worry wart (or as Drew says, I have cancer of the worry!)

I am struggling with my family. I love my family, don't get me wrong, but I really am hurt at times by them. There are certain people in my family that hurt me more than others. Let's just say they are emotionally unavailable. I want to say that I believe they care about me and my family, but at times, I truly wonder. It hurts, to feel like I can't turn to them or that they don't want anything to do with me. In the back of my mind, I know they do care and want to have a relationship, but it's hard to put in the effort when you feel it's all for nothing. I don't know...I just have some deep scars, wounds, seeping boo-boos in this area.

I struggle with my faith and relationship with God. I believe in him 100% - its more about my daily, personal walk with him - or lack there of. I keep telling myself, I am going to start doing daily devotions, read my Bible more, pray, and then I just don't. I am sure if I did have that time, I would feel better. I did decide to get a book from the library, it's called "Ordinary Mom, Extraordinary God" - have any of you read it? It sounds good and maybe it will give me some hope and peace and get me on the write path.

I struggle with personal bubbles. I live in one, I won't lie. (This I think goes back to my fear of rejection and judgement.) I desire so much to put myself out there and get to know other's - especially neighbors. I don't have a play group anymore, which is sad, because it got me out of the house. I want to find something to do. I know one goal of mine is making baby lap time a priority and weekly event. I want to get to know my neighbors here, many have young children and I think it would be nice to be able to just walk over and play. But I am scared too. Most have already existing relationships and I don't want to come in and ruin them.

Sigh....

I just feel heavy and burdened and drained and tired and blah! Very blah! I should go now and work on finishing the lesson for Sunday, especially since Parker is asleep!

Thanks for listening. Sorry I don't have more happy things to post about right now!

10 Things I Wonder...

Today, I have alot on my mind - mostly things I wonder!

1. How did my baby go from this:


To this:


My baby is 11 months old today, I cannot believe it!

2. How do I not lose my mind now that my little man is crawling everywhere and pulling up on everything?

3. Why does Parker always seem to find the hardest surface to pull up on? And how many times can he fall and bump his head before the kid gets a concussion or something?

4. How afraid should I be of the swine flu?

5. Does Jack Hanna live in Columbus since he is our zoo director?

6. Should I go to the library today?

7. Is my son going to say "kitty" before he says "mama"?

8. How do I not over pack for our Tennessee Trip? I don't want to go overboard, but I also don't want to forget anything since we will be gone for a week.

9. Why did I just call my cat Parker?

10. Why do I love blogging so much?

Tidbits - What's on my mind!

Hi friends!

Today on Tidbits I am going to share a little bit of everything on my mind!

March of Dimes Walk
Yesterday was the walk! Because it was the first year that I did it I wasn't sure what to expect. I had these ideas in my head, but you can only be so prepared. Let me tell you, it was way more exciting and long than I expected. I certainly didn't expect 5 miles to be so long...it doesn't seem like it would be long, but holy cow! I am proud to say that we did finish the 5 miles with very few stops (towards the end I did start to get sick, thank goodness for Steak and Shake!) We finished strong and very proud to have been a part of such a great event. Yes, I even shed a tear or two or 70. There were a ton of other's there, though I have clue what the actual number was! My team consisted of Drew, Parker and me, as well as our friends Teresa, Kim and Kara and one of my blogger friends even walked with us (Thanks C.). We ran into one of Parker's nurses from the NICU! That was exciting and unexpected and so good! We didn't get to see anyone else, though she did say there were some others there! It was cool to see other family teams and their posters. Ours was out and I was so excited, I am also excited because we got to keep it if we wanted to! Parker did so so good! I was expecting a meltdown from being too hot or not getting a diaper change - but no, he sat in his stroller with his incredibly cute outfit and played with his toys and talked! I think we finished in an hour and 45 minutes. After the walk we spent the afternoon resting (while Parker spent it playing!). I am not too sore today, my blister on my foot hurts, and the random sunburn I got on only one arm and only on the back! Pictures to come - I haven't dumped the camera!

Saturday
Saturday was a good day too - just really busy. That morning, Parker and I got up early and went to a soccer game to cheer on M. He is the son of my good friend C and B and we promised him we'd come to a game. He adores Parker and visa versa. His team did well and won!!! We came home and our friend Teresa came over to help me make our team shirts! (We were the only team there with hand maid shirts!) After she left I headed to a coupon class hosted by Ellen of ThriftyChicMom. She is an insane (good insane) couponer and she shared her tips! I look forward to getting into it. I have clipped coupons, but I have never been so organized and thoughtful in my shopping. After that I went grocery shopping for a little bit of stuff and came home and relaxed.

Parker
This little man is giving mommy and daddy headaches! He gets into everything, pulls up on everything, bumps his head on everything (nothing serious) and is just running amuck! This weekend he has started crawling more and more and he pulls up on anything he can. It's crazy to think a week ago he barely did anything but roll and now...yah, not so much. He's such a big boy and he is doing so well!

Today I am going to do some spring cleaning! Our house is so cluttered and especially our walk in closet - A MESS! i am planning on getting some new clothes since I can't fit into most of my summer clothes from last year. We are going to tennessee in two weeks so I want to get some new things for that trip. Also, I need to get all the winter clothes put away too. Plus, with how sore I am it will be a good break before I am busy later this week!

I am done, thanks for reading my novel! I hope to get pictures up later today of the walk!

Well Hello There!!!

Parker's 1st Easter - and his special outfit!


Hello there friends,

It feels like I haven't written in a while. This weekend I was busy busy with Easter and choir and family and just never had a chance to sit down and share anything with you. And as far as yesterday - my excuse is I slept in till noon and then attempted to clean, relax and get some grocery shopping done. Plus my mind was in off mode so I am not sure I could have pulled together a comprehensive post.

So here is a much deserved update.

I will go back to Thursday - not such a great day for me because I hurt myself - bad. I was putting something in the oven and ended up having the oven door close on my arm. I burnt it bad...Friday it was blistered and icky! Before all this, I met up with some friends at the zoo and spent the afternoon there. It was a blast!

Friday - we took Parker to the doctor for a follow up on his skin irritation. Basically, we just have to continue with the special cortizone cream we have a prescription for. Do that for 3 weeks and it should be completely gone. I will say, his skin looks almost normal after just a weekend of the stuff - so that's positive. While I was there, I had Dr. D look at my burn and he told me how to care for it. I love that he is my son's ped. but will take the time to look at my arm so I don't have to go to a clinic. Friday evening Drew's parents got here and we attempted to go to the good friday service. Parker had a melt down so we ended up leaving early and coming home.

Sat. - I woke up too early for a Sat. and headed to church for a choir run-through. It was a long rehearsal! But it was so worth it. Drew and I worked hard all week to make a slide show to a song called "I Will Rise" and we got to show it for the first time at the rehearsal and everyone loved it. I loved it! I worked hard on it, I basically spent hours staring at pictures to pick out the perfect ones. Drew really just edited it! After rehearsal I came home (the grandparents had watched Mr. P.) and relaxed and then the four of us hopped in the car and headed to Easton to meet Drew for lunch. It was a good time!

Sun - again, woke up WAY to early for a Sunday and headed to church for our last run through before the actual services. It was awesome to see God work. One of our songs was so challenging and even in rehearsal before the service we were struggling with it. But during the service, it came out great and perfect. I was moved several times to tears during the service...mainly because of I Will Rise! The song gives my goosebumps. Pastor Mike delivered a fun and very insipiring sermon.
Both services were good and Parker was so cute in his little outfit (I will post a picture later once I dump the camera). We had Olive Garden for lunch and then came home for a 4 hour nap!

Speaking of Parker - this kid is getting so big! He can scoot backwards and almost crawl. He eats puffs, even though he doesn't have teeth (well just one) and he loves um. He sits in a high chair now, though he tiny compared to them.

I hope you all had a wonderful Easter!

I have a busy week ahead as I pull together the lesson for the Toddler Room on Sunday! I promise some more posts later too!