PPD, it beckons me

It's been a hard week for me this past week and I needed a break from blogging yesterday as I was simply losing it. And today, while better, has still not been back to normal for me. PPD is really hitting me right now and I am not really sure what exactly might be triggering it. My heart (not physically) hurts right now, I feel very alone and very lost even in my own home. Somedays I wake up thinking, is this it, is this what I am doing with the rest of my life. By "it" I mean, well I don't know what I mean. What I do know is this:

There are days I feel like to worst mother on the face of the earth and days I question why God would entrust my little critter* to me?

There are days when getting out of bed seems to take all day. To force myself to dress and shower and live....takes a lot.

There are days when I feel like I have no one out there to turn to, fully knowing that I do, in fact, have many many people to turn to and one that is more important above all the rest...GOD.

I don't know sometimes how to work through it other than to journal and pray, which of course I do, but I feel I don't do that great of a job at follow through.

I do a great job of pulling away and putting on a happy face and mask. I pull away and then I get mad because I feel like no one cares. I think I mostly pull away because I don't want to have to explain myself and the sadness that is deep inside me.

I really love my son, I don't want anyone to think that I don't. He means everything to me. And I have worked through at lot of the anger inside from his birth. I'm not mad about it anymore, I realize the blessing it has been, even if hard. However, recently I have been upset with myself and feeling let down by my body. I feel like I was robbed. I feel guilty because I feel like I really should have done more to make sure this didn't happen. But truthfully there really isn't anything more I could have done. We didn't know this would be the outcome, no one knew Rh factors wouldn't match and that I would get HELLP. My head knows this, my heart however, has yet to get a clue to this reality! I am good at listening to my heart....it's really really loud!

I am working through this, part of my working through it is this blog post. I need prayer and support. Today at church, Pastor Mike asked people who needed special prayer to come to him and he would pray for us. I got up and moved that way, I am thankful I did it. I cried, it was a good release!

There are days I HATE PPD, ok, I hate it all the time, every day.

*read Parker